Running into walls.

 Pain. Pain again. Life goes on. The challenge continues. As does the confusion and the fear and the worry. Disoriented. Lost. Beyond rage at recovering again. Terror at the thought of losing what I had. Sadness. Upset. Mentally ill. Pain and fear. Pain and fear. The pain might be the worst. Feeling severed from life. Burned in the mind. Feeling weak and helpless. Vulnerable. Wanting to open up. Trapped inside myself. At odds with the world. Relationships suffer, heartache. Economic insecurity. Bitterness. 
Violence. Venom. Fatigue. Apathy. Depression. Do I have the heart to carry on? I kind of fucking hate everything right now. I hate the fucking world. I hate my life. I fucking hate this place. I hate myself. I feel so weak and fucked up. Just exhausted from this. Tired of bleeding. My mind is fucked. I can't trust how I feel. I just want to be strong and safe. Capable and in control. Able to deal with my feelings in a healthy way. But I don't think I often am right now. Derailed. nailed to the floor. Agony.                           My feelings dominate my life. They overwhelm my ability to function and be sane. They are often out of control and I am out of control because of them. The way I relate to them. They way I let them into my life. I need to establish better boundaries. Get my priorities straight. I need to take better care of myself. I need to be a hellofa lot smarter. A hellofa lot more engaged. Start asking the right questions and find the right answers. Maybe get some help. Find a way to get some help. I'm really unstable. I have to deal with all of these loose ends or they will continue to suffocate me. I can't do things the way everyone else does. I have to be different. I am different. I have special needs. I doubt if I can do this by myself. As much as I may want to. I get so stupid when I feel good. It fucking sucks. I don't know if I'm capable of staying balanced. Figuring things out by myself. And yet I am such an independent person and I love figuring things out by myself. I don't want anyone interfering. I don't know if this is healthy..I love it just being me and the world, but when I lose control this is terrifying. I love following my own inner compass, but I am afraid it will destroy me. When I feel confident I feel like nothing can stop me. I can do literally anything, achieve anything. Be anyone. I have these weak spots which sneak up on me constantly and topple my castle. Drugs, women. Insecurities. Illness. Do I double down or do I change my ways?                                                                                                                                   From my perspective now, there is so much that threatens my well-being. So much that I don't have a good hold of. But, I already feel stronger just writing everything in this post up to this point. Before I crashed, my feelings were telling me that this is it. This is the last hoorah, the last push before I get my shit together. That I was on top of it and in the zone. I felt like I was becoming a new person. I changed my name inspired from a place of such deep truth, the deepest truth I have encountered thus far in this life. There was so little doubt and the feeling I had of the righteousness of my actions was perfect if not nearly perfect. The kind of surety that comes from divine inspiration, from fulfilling one's destiny. But then my heart broke. It broke again. It's almost spring and I don't know if I can pick myself up again. I don't know if I can do this again. Side note, I absolutely love tobacco. When my heart broke it brought up feelings that were lost to me when I was 20 years old. I think it opened up a doorway to my old life. Before everything broke down. Maybe it touched my soul that I lost then. That I have lived without for 8 years. That has been buried within my mind scratching and clawing to get out. It has felt like I haven't been able to breath, let alone see. Like I haven't been myself and I haven't been able to do anything with my life. I have felt terrible and terrorized. Lost and broken. Confused, disturbed, ill and seriously injured. I felt like I haven't been able to get help. So terrified. Nearly stricken with terror. Stuck in my own mind. Trapped in my own self. Alone in an alien universe. Cold and distant. Out of reach. Stuck on the fringe. So cold. So alone. Yet it has been wonderful as well. Far out with nothing in between me and anything else. In places I cannot describe. So incredible and different and interesting. Who this has made me, the life it has shown me. The depth of my feelings and sense of self. The distance I have covered. The universe I have witnessed. The vastness of the universe and so much of which isn't touched by most people in the way I have touched it. The things I have seen. The places I have been. The things I have done. They mark me and make me so different. So strange and in my eyes so wonderful. I carry the pattern of distant lands in the way I hold myself. In the way I speak and move through the world. This is so valuable to me. This vastness of knowledge and experience. How it shapes me and how it shapes the world now that it is apart of who I am. I understand how things work with such great detail. I have such a profound sense of right and wrong. I see how things are held together and I am learning how to make things whole. With sheer will and vision. How the world is held together. How it is broken and how to mend it. How to love and how to be loved. That we are Love itself. That everything is Love. Forgetting this is the terror of the world. Faith. Faith is all that is asked of us by God.