Amen#2

 I had a pretty good day even though I didn't sleep well. I wasn't as lined up with Om as the day before, but I didn't really stray far. I'm glad the weather has been cooler since I work outside a lot. I'm still feeling really good about being at the Yogi/Amen level. It feels like it is lifting me up from the ground. A lot of other development I have gone through doesn't fundamentally shift my center of gravity. It opens up my mind or my heart more, but hasn't really moved me forward. I feel like I have been stuck at this ego striving level even though I have gone through so much changing and awakening. My core hasn't evolved. It feels really good to be moving in a new direction. I have been really sick of being here for a long time. But I haven't really been ready to move on. I haven't understood why I continue making the same mistakes, nor really wanted to change in my core. 

I understood that competitive striving perpetuates mortal creature consciousness and dukkha, but a big part of me still wanted to exist in that space. I think I let it out over the last couple years and it failed as have all the other parts of me that have tried the same thing. I don't think there is a large enough part of me to pull me back into that space. That's what it feels like. I feel kinda like wholly on this level now. At least the bottom part of my consciousness feel good about shifting upwards. Whereas before much of me wasn't interested in the transition and resisted successfully. I feel capable of being a decent human being and learning how to improve. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Probably not since I was a kid. Even then though I had an asshole side of me. But I think I was much more centered on decency. I was more centered as a very young adult, while at the same time I was exploring egocentricity and desire so part of me was really an asshole. 

Now I am feeling stronger and stronger that I don't want to be in any kind of selfish space. I don't want to be ambitious in that way as well. I think that kind of self-serving ambition is ultimately exhausting. It doesn't compare to the peace you can have when you are able to consciously follow God through the Holy Ghost vibration with the whole of your being. It doesn't provide the same security or comfort. Nor the same depth of feeling and experience. It simply doesn't compare. This realization only comes when you outgrow that striving ego-centered nature. In the midst of it, you are infatuated with what it offers and can offer. The real saturating peace of God is unknown. 

I also do not desire complexity in my life. It is also exhausting. I think it is better to live in a simple and unadorned fashion, where one takes care of what they have without over reaching. Moderation can be a noble virtue. I think God is discovered in simplicity. I think simplicity and humility go hand in hand. When we see what we really can do and we let go of what we can't do, we face ourselves and reality as we are. I think we find peace in this sincerity. Here we stop fighting ourselves and really, the world. Somehow in this acceptance we find God by our side supporting us with love and grace. It seems like we have to strive until we get to this point. That we are meant to push and push until we can't push anymore. Somehow we find another part of ourself here. I think we have to examine ourselves until we reach this point. If we give up before we do so, we will never be able to move forward. This is why honesty is so important with ourself. Even though I suffered greatly, I continued to seek, to strive, and to allow myself to be this way. I wouldn't have gotten to a point where I really feel done with Earthly toil if I had not allowed this process to unfold. I think God is with us in our search, especially when it has spiritual roots at its core. He wants us to open all the doors and look into all the rooms so that we will know what is right when we find it. If we don't fully examine our nature, we will never know what is true. We will never learn who we really are. 

Within our creature selves is the Light that shines out from upon the hill. The light of soul and peace. From this, a heavenly brotherhood may be attained on Earth. By it we are rooted on the spiritual path and guided forward through the Heavens. In our mind, and in our chest, beloved God awaits to be born and to reveal the inner kingdom of Paradise. Not in the world or any world, but within Man, within all that is. 

Amen

I'm wondering if things are going to go back to how they were before. Except this time, they aren't exactly the same. Part of me isn't trying to bend the universe to my will...At least not as much of me. It's interesting how things have been occurring. There is still so much I do not understand about what has happened and what continues to happen. I'm not sure exactly what I will do. I just want to go with God completely. I don't want to have my own agenda. It seems like I've continually missed the mark over these last 14 years trying to allow this awakening process to unfold. I guess I've just been learning the whole time. Learning what awakening isn't and what it is. You can't take your ego with you as much as you'd like to. I hold on I think because I'm afraid to let go, afraid to go deep within. I don't know why it scares me, but it does seem like this fear is my main issue. Afraid of really spreading my spiritual wings and flying all by myself. 

I don't think the ground has ever existed that we cling to so desperately. The expanse is always there, we just ignore it with all the distractions of this world. The infinite and the responsibility of the infinite. The weight of our soul. It feels like I have gotten to a point where I am not the same as I used to be. I think I just burned through all the worldly karma I brought with me. Not all of it, but enough that I don't want to go back...It feels like I belong in this space now, I don't feel nearly as split as I did before. My being feels much more united and excited to move into a more Heavenly space. 

I see very clearly that striving by means of aggressively competing against one's own energies and the energies and agencies of the world only can be taken so far. The soul needs more advanced modes of transportation to awaken to its deepest potentials. A creative uplifting building force replaces this form of striving. It draws from communing with and resonating with the vibration of Amen, the Holy Ghost. This brings the astral energies into balance which eliminates negative accumulated karma and generates positive uplifting karma. It essentially purifies the soul. Taking everything on by oneself through aggressive striving may appear noble and courageous, but it perpetuates the limitations of a mortal will. Once the will becomes spiritualized and pacified (peacified) by Amen it expands to supernatural proportions, towards the infinite. This is the expanding/reaching power of the Soul to which mortal striving cannot compare. Neither can mortal striving attain deep and lasting Peace. Only soulful living through Amen resonance can attain this. The peace attained by the mortal soul is superficial and temporary in comparison. Even in this peace a powerful restlessness remains even if one remains largely unconscious of it. 

The Peace of the soul outweighs anything I could gain for myself on this planet. For my soul is greater than my earthly will. It is where my heart resides. What I could gain here would not bring me happiness nor peace, nor provide that for anyone. Not happiness, peace, or security. All goodness must be built with God for it to last. 

I see how our ignorance leads to our the conditions of our profound collective suffering and disorder. The thirst (mortal desire) of human beings, when it dominates them creates karma of chaos. In this state, we are incapable of living in harmony with the Universe, abiding by the Heavenly Will which established order and goodness among us. Until enough of us are sufficiently in tune with this Heavenly body, we will continue to experience powerful currents of negative karma as a civilization. I hope that in this lifetime, many of us will take the steps necessary to establish institutions and ways that undermine these negative currents which have run rampant for millennia. We are on an upward trend, but we have a great distance to go. 

All these currents, uplifting and destroying, are created by God, are His Light, apart of the seamless Play of Creation. We souls are apart of this Play and experience it's myriad changes while we remain ignorant of Truth. The path of God-Realization frees the soul from ignorance, from evil, even while surrounded by it. It is not our job to eliminate evil forever, but to master it within ourselves. 

Update

 I feel  drained by all the activity I am doing even though I am doing good work. I wish it were easier to be. It seems like nothing is important save being who I am. I have so many feelings about how things are and myself. It is easy to get lost in sentiment, especially hurt sentiment. Who I am as an individual, or how I am, doesn't seem to be important. That I am simply the Light of God seems all important. My personal sentiment distracts me from the Radiant God presence Here and Now. It is not about myself, but about who Thou Art. For Thou art the Lord. Only here is my identity important or I am One with Thee here in this space. So many things lead us from what is important, what is real. The truth of this Reality never alters. The demand of any distraction is not as powerful as it suggests. Our primary concern is always the living body of light everpresent in form. It is not our concern. But what is. What occurs is not important, what is occurring is important. When God is seen, the world is undone. For it ceases to be what it was. What is here is God, and God alone.  

Headless Horseman

Busy week. Mood definitely suffered by the end of it. Things continually evolve. It appears that what things or situations are, is not what they appear to be, but surfaces happen all the time catching, "our", attention. There appears to be no surfaces when one is not caught in them. There doesn't appear to be anything. That's what all these surfaces are in the first place, even as we are born being caught in them. 

There is no place we can go when we see anything, for in seeing things we see no-thing. This no-thing shows that the reality of things is not the appearance, even when they appear out of the corners of our eyes. It shows us that no one is seeing, for this self has neither a head nor eyes. Words that are commonly used pull the attention into false beliefs about what is. They give a concrete sense of reality to personhood while the reality of personhood and self is the emptiness of personhood and self from all things. Personhood and self are a temporary expression of emptiness. 

What we call ourselves or "we" is a temporary expression of emptiness. It truly is emptiness. What we call we, the construct of the person, affects to perpetuate the idea of a lasting and permanent We or I that has definite substance. What is called we believes this definite we is in control when this we is fully apart of the self propelling nature of emptiness and requires no volition. 

People places and things do not exist in the way they are perceived to be. 

What I am is fully beyond the I. To see the full nature of self, what is beyond self must be fully seen. This is what I am. This is who I am. 

A self must fully empty itself of itself to fully become itself. 

It is true that no one is in charge, no one is working, and no thing exists. I am both nothing and everything for both are the same thing. Which is beyond ideas. 

Anything that is not a thing. A person that is not a person. A universe that cannot be found except exactly where it is. And is isn't anywhere at all. 

I think what's tricky is that formal expression is One with what is formless. You can't separate the two. They have to be the same. This is what that is. This is who I am. Who you are. There is no real difference between anyone or anything. It's all the same. We are all the same. A fullness that is empty. An emptiness that is full. Many faces with no face at all. 

To be awake I think is to see this Oneness. Or to see that you see it. No thing lies outside of it. No thing lies inside of it. I think we don't think we see it when we do, for it is everything that we experience. 

Enlightenment Now

 I was mowing the lawn earlier today and thinking about consciousness. Thinking about the different dimensions of being interwoven within each other like nesting dolls. The utter mystery of all of this hit me acutely. The utter mystery that all of this is--the way that it is--the fact that it is. We can experience being with total intimacy yet no absolutely nothing about it, never being able to wrap our heads around it. This nature is so vast, the mystery so expansive. There are moments that I believe we all have in which we step out of the hypnosis of our daily routine, our daily rituals, and see the complete mystery of our existence. This is more than wondering at the stars. It's deeper, I think going to the core of our existence, which is far beyond our material universe. It's something along the lines of how all of what we call reality comes out of an indescribable nothingness that no one knows anything about, that we completely forget in the hum drum of life. Yet we among strangers in a gray world are among beings with the same exact mystery at the core of their existence. The same exact unknowingness to the why of their life and their reality, the unfillable hollowness beyond the superficial personality each one of us carries waiting to awaken again. When I have glimpses of this profound mystery I am reminded of the deep distraction that my life is against this deep awareness that is at the root of the purpose of my being. In these moments I know that seeing this, contemplating this is of the utmost importance and interest to myself, that my anxiety over living and dying in this world, all the likes and dislikes of my soul are simply distractions to the ultimate question. Why are we here? What is this? Who am I? The distraction of living beings takes on eons of activity in the universe of creation. 

I don't think our attitudes are appropriate in dealing with such profound material. I think in the West, we are far too casual and analytic to meet this. We keep ourselves at a distance and we are deeply lost in the seemingly perfect comfort and squareness of our practical materialism. More than adopting other belief systems and traditions, I think we need to learn how to step outside of our own experiences, or learn to reorient our experiences in this deep mystery, to recognize how they come from this deep place. Their is a origin to all the common themes and structures of our culture. We don't necessarily need to adopt or start over, or try to go back, if only to go back to remember where we came from, where who we are now came from. 

We try to erase the present because we don't value it. I think it's value is to do more with perspective than it's objective worth. Everything in the present holds the keys to unlocking the mystery of life, the mystery of our suffering, and all the deep questions we have about who we are. Everything in us is oriented because of the way the world is and how we have been shaped. The secrets are written in the patterns of this orientation. We fail to recognize them because of the beliefs we hold about them, about ourselves and our hurt feelings. Great catharsis always lies in our wounds. The antithesis is the solution. It is the mirror image. We have to have be graced with the gift of being pushed through our pain so we are no longer dominated by it. It is not our pain that is wrong, nor the perspective it induces. It is simply that an awareness eventually arises out of the pain that allows us to see. 

We try and try to escape the pain of being because we are deeply afraid of dying. Also deeply afraid of looking out to see where we are. We are afraid of being hurt. Simply afraid and ignorant. Somehow we have fallen from our most basic nature, though only in our own minds and hearts. We become something that we are not, something that cannot be. We become something apparently disconnected from everything else. We try to perpetuate this illusion at all costs even though it creates constant suffering and tension. We have forgotten that we are simply afraid to look at things as they are. 

Everything we hold has power. Power that can be actualized in an instant if we only look at it indiscriminately without any thought of our self, without any thought at all. The shackles around Earth, around the human soul struggling to awaken over the centuries keep us in fear of our power, of the power of our mind and of our suffering. Yet the Light is pouring out, the wall is cracking, and many of us are beginning to escape. Know that all of this occurs within your own mind. Within your own awareness. This awareness is an awareness beyond you or anyone, it is awareness outside of the idea of awareness. If it is in your mind, then you have total power over it. It is your own relationship to what lies in your mind that perpetuates how a thing is expressed. Do not fear this relationship, you fear the thing, yet you fear more the light it may shed on the total experience of your awareness. You fear what you will wake up to, you fear the light. You fear your true self. Your true nature. When you know in your innermost self how deeply you adore who you really are and how false this fear is. 

Let us cast our darkness, let us cast out fear. Not through  the oppression and combat, but through recognizing the symbiotic relationship of all dualities in the cosmos. All dualistic pairs point to the One that lies within. The One that perfectly holds pleasure and pain, triumph and defeat. Holding these, yet unaffected by them. When we see we are the One that does not need to be any way, yet is all ways, what do we have to gain? When we are this, what is there to lose? 

We are the One, We are God, we are Infinite, Infinity. We are perfectly formed as we are. This is our truest nature and the nature of everything that is. We have forgotten that this is our most basic nature, our most basic self. It is always ready to awaken again, all we have to do is look and see. 

The End of the Road

 Wrote this a week ago...not finished, but I'll forget about likely so here it is...

Funny enough, the end of the search for God occurs when one comes back to where they started from without having ever gotten anywhere or anything in the process. The whole search started under the assumption that the truth wasn't what was known and one's true nature was something to be gained. Herein lies the root of restlessness, trouble, and worry. This isn't it. 

Equally producing of humor, there's absolutely nothing anyone can do about this except hit the road. It takes going out to discover that the sparkle of the Northern star pours out of the dust of one's own boot straps. 

With the setting of the sun, a moon may rise that makes sweeping one's own back deck nothing to be traded, a great diamond among lesser jewels. This results from the the fact that our own backyard contains all we could ever need: we can trust our own bacon. In fact, this is it. 

I find it strange that enlightenment isn't anything in particular at all. It doesn't fit the picture one had in mind. The whole game takes the sauce out of our own footsteps when we see just what we are, and aren't. The big tobacco doesn't account to much if anything while everything of deep value slips through our hands and takes the backseat on a trip to nowhere. 

Life goes on, cycles continue, and I wonder what really matters? I guess I still got some melancholy left in me. I don't think it matters if we're up or down, good or bad. I think we just are are what we are and there nothing more to it. We want there to be, we want to dream, to believe in something more, when that's just departing from the unchangeable reality of where and who we are. Much of life amounts to a lot of noise and not a lot of substance. 

Substance comes from seeing where you are and allowing yourself to be and feel just what it is that there is to be and feel. It's always here, but we have a knack for looking the other way chasing our own tail. I think substance comes from many small moments linked together that make a larger impression over a considerable amount of time. We can only appreciate this ever I folding nature if we wake up and grow up enough. 

This involves less rather than more of ourselves. It involves becoming the tapestry as it is woven. 

The interference of our own mind is nothing but ripples in the surface of the pond that we get lost in if they occur frequently enough with sufficient intensity. We say these are my ripples and those are yours when they're all just ripples of no particular significance making waves on the surface of the same silver coin. Enlightenment it seeing clearly that the nature of all the ripples is wholly the nature of the coin, that the nature of the coin is the sole reality in the Universe, being the universe Nature, itself. 

The thing is that as we are, even with our disturbances, we are the silver coin. We are One and Whole. This depends on nothing. We are not what we do not have, we are what we have always been. Simply what we are. What is. Not a small tortilla, not a big tortilla, just a tortilla. 

There is nothing wrong with who we are or how the world is because everything is just nature unfolding. Nature includes the full spectrum of experience and it occurs selflessly. This does not mean as a society we do not need rules or laws. A society needs rules and laws to function when their is a great enough tendency to cause harm and suffering. It does not mean we can behave however we wish. Our duties and responsibilities evolve as nature and our nature evolve. 

Glorious Morning

 Sun is back! Room is warm. I feel good inside. I hope someone is reading this. 

Feeling enlightened lol. It largely resonates with the Oxherding picture from Zen where the man who has been riding the ox finally arrives home  and quietly without need to do anything. I've been here before, perhaps in a different way-like 5 years ago. Still confounded by all the changes happening. It's true that enlightenment is not what you think. It's as simple as a bowl of porridge. It doesn't have to make all your troubles go away. It just puts them in a different perspective where they are not as threatening. It also changes your attitude toward them, towards suffering, towards what is perceived as negativity. It all just is and doesn't need to be resisted in the deepest way. All phenomena, all behavior, is apart and One with nature, which is a kind of good that is beyond the duality of Good and Evil. Things just are, and so are we. The big picture is what we see because there is no division between us and the world and there never was. If you peel back your skin, your fat, your muscle and sinew, you'll find bone. 

We think enlightenment is something other than ourselves, something to be attained. It's exactly like seeing who you are for the first time, seeing a structure that was always there that you haven't seen before, when this structure is your most basic nature. When we grow up, we constantly discover things about ourselves that were hidden to us before. Some of these things are such apart of ourselves that we can't imagine ourselves being any other way, knowing that this quality or thing is me. We may be deeply passionate about drawing, or human rights, or going to the beach. Enlightenment is simply seeing the deepest part of ourself that we have always known to be ourself that we have somehow forgotten. 

Don't have anymore time now. Adios.