The Ego v.s. The Soul and...Fulfillment in Infinity

I've been going in and out of soulful consciousness. I notice how the ego has an agenda when it is in control. It attempts to control things to benefit itself, to gain what it believes is good. When my soul awakens, it becomes clear that this is foolish. Wisdom comes from listening to the soul and giving it space to blossom. The ego is attached to things being a certain way, it manipulates the universe to maintain these conditions, or to acquire them. The soul reaches for deeper Peace and harmony with the Universe. It has faith in the power of Peace and in the promise of providence that comes through pacifying our consciousness and our self. We pacify our consciousness in the vibrations of God. 

The Soul has different values than the ego. The ego wants to perpetuate itself. It wants to attain immortality. It will burn anything to achieve this. The soul is transcendent of the material world and is more concerned about its relationship with the Universe or God than in maintaining the life of the material body or of the ego identity. It sees the life within life, the spiritual life existing within the superficial layer of what appears to be a divided universe. The soul sees this inner reality as paramount, while the ego doesn't. The surface is the ego's only reality. 

Awakening to the soul drastically changes our values and our outlook. It becomes clear that rushing to attain an end is reckless. It is most important that we stay connected to ourselves as we move forward. The pace is not important, the connection and way we operate are. The most important thing is that we are connected to our soul, to God, this is what we value most. We cannot advance if we do not have this connection and if we do not put it first. It doesn't even matter where we end up, it only matters that we are awake to our soul and to God. 

The soul does not value the superficiality of the ego identity. It becomes sick of this identity, this shell or old skin and it wishes to die to it, or to cast it off. The ego gets in the way of the soul being the soul, the soul connecting to the Infinite. The ego tries to burn whatever it can to find God, yet it mistakes every kind of thing for God. It is looking for the infinite in the finite. As soon as God is discovered, the ego no longer is the ego, it dies and there is soul. I can tell you with perfect confidence that the ego cannot be maintained permanently on the path of God-Realization. We only wish to perpetuate it because we believe in it, and what is seen through it's eyes. We value this because we do not understand clearly enough the nature of the ego, the nature of the soul, and the nature of God. 

When we have sufficient realization, we will find God infinitely more valuable than the temporary pleasures of the ego. Infinitely more valuable, and infinitely more a necessity for our wellbeing. The emptiness of the ego becomes more apparent, it's inability to satisfy us and the crudeness and meanness of its character. What is infinite is indescribably satisfying and wonderful. The ego is like dog shit compared to ice cream. 

What's more is that the soul and God fulfill the self when the ego eternally falls short of the mark. This alone is reason to abandon the ego and take up the soul. The soul is where we are going, where we would like to get to, the ego cannot take us there, in the end it becomes clear it is merely a devilish trickster, a distraction from our true purpose and aim, our only real aim in life. We gave eternity and infinity with the soul, we have scraps and hell with the ego. 

We look for Infinity, yet most of us do not dare admit this openly. For we are so lost, the thought of this makes us feel terribly insufficient and lonesome. Truly, all we want is God, yet we have no idea how to get there. We have no idea what that means. Most of us are so utterly lost, so hopelessly lost. We have forgotten that that's what we really wanted so lost are we in time and space. 

The ego is what we get, what we aspire to, when we have lost our way, when we have forgotten God and the soul within that connects to Him. It truly is the way of the Hungry Ghost, or the Angry Titan, the Enflamed Demon. 

Interestingly, these are too expressions of the Soul. Equally Infinite even in their lowness. We simply do not experience them in this way. The are the experience of incredible lack within the Universe of Infinity. I think they may too be beautiful and noble. Perhaps even wonderful. They are expressions and manifestations of Spirit. I think they are beautiful. Incredibly beautiful. That they would come into being, so that life would be all that more interesting. So that what is temporary could be so infinitely moving, touching. 

The Spirit is incredible, marvelous. He created this world, that is so horrible until you awaken from it. Then it becomes so Perfect and beautiful. It is sublime. 

Tracking

 It seems like I'm in between worldly and established soul-consciousness. It's kind of a slog, but I feel like my head is starting to pop through on the other side. I've been seeing egoic-worldly consciousness very clearly. Seeing how it is rooted in my subtle body. Seeing on this level helps to consciously be able to detach myself from it. Instead of trying to handle a vague sense of the ego in the mind, I am beginning to see how it forms in the mind and then is embodied when we act upon it. It first creates tension or disturbance in the mind and feelings, then if we act upon it, it creates tension in our whole body. We essentially become possessed by it. The breath becomes restless and conscious awareness falls into darkness. It is being possessed by the madness of desire for sensory gratification. It completely disrupts clear thinking and ethical judgement. 

Where I've found myself, I don't have the levity to move completely out of it into sustained Peace. So I'm left playing a game of give and take, attempting to move in the direction of Peace. This is often considerably frustrating and agitating. I'm learning that it is only my ego that feels this way, and it is apart of the problem. I don't need to get there. What I am is not what I want. I am not my ego, I am, at this point, the superconscious soul or witness. The determined effort for me to get there is wholly rooted in ego and is or appears at this point to be for lack of a better word, evil. Evil, not as something to be held in deep contempt, but something that by its very nature creates suffering and trouble. Evil is evil because this is it's only nature. This is all that it is, or does. So this is why we call evil, evil and why I call the ego evil. When you look at it clearly, it really just pulls you down and makes you suffer. Its a fucking demon. 

I have a lot more ego than I anticipated. So I have to root it out more deeply than I thought. So I am learning this and working on it instead of being well established in Peace. You can't just power through to Peace. You have to really wake up the superconscious soul or Witness and move beyond ordinary striving. The ego is saying fuck you the whole time too. It doesn't want to leave. The soul awakens, and we form a new dance with the Universe. We open up to the subtle flow of things occurring underneath what most perceive as the concrete material reality. Apart of this new dance is the development of our conscious communion with the Divine or Spirit or God. There seems to be a Divine Plan behind our lives and the process of our awakening soul-consciousness. It is essential that we work with this Agency, this Process, in our efforts of awakening. For it truly is the Master that we become when we first acknowledge it, and then yoke ourselves to it. It is this special relationship at the center of every soul's spiritual awakening. This is paramount. Truly it is everything. 

I think it's important for me to remember that that Peace is still here. Even if I can't live fully from it, it is here. Even if I don't see it, this is it. The Way is here, and it is open. It is available. Accessible. Things aren't as bad as they look. I think a lot of that is my mood, not what is. Not who I really am, nor how I wish to be in this moment. We dwell in Infinity now. We always do, even when we're fucked up. 

This is because we are not really fucked up. This is an illusion. In a way, it can't be. All the fucked up things that happen to us, they also open us up, they help us to see. They are equally God happening to us a much as the good stuff. It's all good, it's all the same. So, things aren't fucked up, they are ok. This isn't real, it is a dream. 

All of this is just our expanding mind, our expanding consciousness, operating on unchanging Universal Law. I think if we can take a step back from it all, we can see how things are being created by mind, by thought, and with wisdom, we let go of what goes against that law. We see how Peace exists within what is Good, and that we are free. We are awake and One and Whole. 

What if we are not broken? What if we are not struggling? What if there is nothing wrong with anything?

We can't fully overcome negativity through resistance. We have to reframe our outlook to see that negativity as part of the whole. Yet also through resistance, Peace is born. Peace will break free. There is no division between Good and Evil. They are one. In them there is no good or evil, simply the One. Resistance occurs when we are at war with our self. When we fully accept our self, there is no room for resistance, there is no war, there is only Peace. Peace is alive in the present moment. It is eternally awake now. No good, no evil, no war, only my self. 

Sorry for any confusion this essay may bring. I believe I am dealing with two separate areas of development in my self. One I believe is moving from ego to soul or Witness, where there is a clear distinction between Good and Evil, right and wrong. The other is moving from the Dominion of Presence where good is in charge, though still at odds with evil, to the Already Existent Fully Established Oneness, the Perfect Form and Reflection of the Unmanifest Formlessness. 

I don't fully understand the interplay of these two developments so my descriptive language is imperfect and I believe I often confuse fundamental structure with each other in my writings. I'm not even sure if I've correctly identified the two areas of development I listed above. They appear so similar at times that I go back and forth thinking they are the same and then that they are different. 

The Witness: Disidentifying with the body-mind

 This is something I have been experiencing over the last couple months. It is changing my perspective about myself a lot. I think I have identified heavily with achieving lasting personal success, including my spiritual goals and I'm seeing now how rooted in ego identification this is. 

Wanting to continue in that way makes me feel sick now. I think I was so infatuated with desire that I wasn't able to see or value what lies beyond it. It's strange how hollow that ambition is. We become so insane for something that does not bring us peace or fulfillment. Yet we hold on so tight that we can't let go. It seems like most of this is do to the inertia of our society and the way we are conditioned as we grow up and beyond. We are taught something inane and it is all anyone knows so it is taken as common sense when it in fact imprisons us in hell. It is just bizarre how ignorant society can be and how different this is from the truth. 

It's strange to see so many people blindly pursuing egoic satisfaction with little to know real understanding of Truth. This loses its weirdness when it becomes clear that there is no they or them. There is ever expanding and evolving consciousness that takes the form of embodied souls or beings. And truly there is only Consciousness. There are no people and there is no self. Or there is only Self. All of what we call this world is maya or illusion. It is unreal. Lol. 

The fulfillment of our little self is its lasting success, but in it's upward dissolution eventually into pure consciousness. The Witness state is the middle of the way between identification with the ego and pure consciousness. It becomes very clear here how transient our world is and how much it is not who we are. It has considerable power to pull us deeper into ourselves going much further than we probably imagined. 

One thing I am curious about is how this state relates to the soul, to Amen, and the path of the shaman or yogi.  I think the Witness is the soul...The awakening of the soul and its superconscious energies. I'm not quite sure how it relates to Amen though. Amen as the lower form of the Trinity of God.  I experience Amen as Peace...It seems that contact with Amen is the catalyst that awakens the superconscious soul, the Witness. 

In my experience this Peace is distinct from the Pure Witness. This Peace leads deeper into itself and I think eventually to Christ Consciousness. I am wondering what happens to the Witness as it deepens. Is it apart of the path of Peace to Christ and beyond, or is it a separate line of development? Does the Witness merge with Peace to form basic Oneness? I'm really not sure. It kind of seems like both of them develop in tandem. 

I think I can use the witness to be less moved by negativity in my life that I don't have control over. I don't have to fight as much, I think I can just let it pass. 

You don't grow just cause you want to

 I had a week where things didn't go as well as I would have liked. I think I wanted more progress than I got. When I sat down about an hour ago I thought about how spiritual growth doesn't come for free, it comes due to the energy that goes into it, that we cannot force into it. As much as we may wish to end all our habits that create suffering, this most likely won't happen over night. Peace comes through peace, not through our aggravation at the conditions of our life. This peace and path is a cooperative one where we learn to work with life and the transrational path of spiritual awakening. And honestly, sometimes the door is open, and sometimes, maybe most of the time, it is not.  

So maybe while we're learning, we just have to wait for things to mellow out, doing our best to get through with as much dignity still intact as possible. Learning to  keep a look out for opportunities to do some good, or make some progress, strengthening our connection with the uplifting power of Spirit. 

I'm learning more about the grace of God or Spirit that comes out to us who are or may be ready to leave the world, the world of matter bound consciousness, behind. I think in this grace we can find our calling by intuitively listening to what it asks of us. I truly think we can find our singular divine purpose here. Which synonymously is our way and path of awakening. I think perhaps God and our soul have a plan for us. 

Hearing this grace is like hearing a chorus of angels with our inner intuitive ear. It doesn't have to be an intense mind altering experience. It can be profound in the force of the truth that comes to us. In the clarity and purity of it's message. A Truth among truths. 

As much as we'd like to make this happen for ourselves, we cannot do it alone. It comes through the angelic bond we consciously form with our own soul and between our soul and the Universe, and within it at its center, God. 

I don't think we enter Heaven without being humbled, because we are not as great as we may think or believe we can be. Not our egos. They are truly nothing. The way upwards only comes through the surrender of these egos, and the Divine support, grace, of what is transcendent and of Perfect Love. The way is His, as much as it is Ours. 

The Whole Banana

 The Infinite whole exists in this moment. This is it. Everything is it, it is everything. Nothing can add to it or take away from it. It is One, complete and whole. It is things exactly as they are. It does not require perfect peace or perfect disposition. It includes all the flaws of the Universe. Perfection is things as they are, not how they could be. The whole is imminent, manifest. It abides. 

It contains all change, all transformation, and as all it changes without changing. It is the nonduality of stillness and movement. It changes endlessly without changing at all. What a beautiful light. 

Here, we have no where left to go, nothing left to do. We have arrived. We are home. It is exactly where we are. Always where we are, it is all that is. The door opened and we entered. 

We have infinity in this moment. We have always possessed it, as it always has possessed us. There is nothing we can improve on. For perfection already exists. We are perfect in it. Perfect and fully formed. I am perfect, and I am fully formed. Perfect as I am. 

The Universe is Perfect. It is One, and it is Whole. What exists is perfection, it is what has always existed. Perfectly existent. Perfectly present. Perfectly formed. We are whole, we are One. Oneness. 

Release from egoic identification

 What an ego dominated consciousness does not understand, is that the desire of the ego unequivocally produces enslaved and tortured consciousness.  As individuals we wish to have all the fruits of the ego, without all the barbs, all of the terror and suffering. We wish and delude ourselves, we wish and delude ourselves, we wish and delude ourselves...and we continually suffer immensely, never attaining what we wish for. We are never satisfied by our ego. We are continually dissatisfied by it. Until we become disenchanted and until we clearly understand how consciousness becomes ensnared by it, we will continue in this way. 

What we don't understand about our soul is that it's basic form is completely different from the ego. It is free of the warlike striving of the ego. It is free of egoic consciousness. The ego doesn't understand this, only the soul can understand this. We don't understand how we are not a we. We are not ourselves, we are simply soul. Our understanding of who I am is severely limited and incorrect. We are not conditioned beings. We are unconditioned awareness. We don't understand the fullness of the limit that we are not who we call ourself, to the point that we are not an ourself. There is no Jake, no Rebecca, no Sergio. We don't understand how deeply and fully spiritual awakening dissolves our identity and reshapes it as something completely different. We don't understand how unsatisfactory is the world and how uniquely and singularly satisfying is God. We don't understand how everything we perceive is unreal except the reality of God. We don't understand how everything, everything is God. To the point that there is only God. 

We don't understand this until we deeply die to what we call our self. Until the world crumbles before our eyes in our inner awareness as it becomes our only awareness. The path is not what we believe it to be. It does not go where we expect it to go. Yet part of us is familiar with what does happen, with what does change. It is this part that becomes stronger the further we go along. That slowly becomes the dominant aspect of our being. What we claim to know and love is a facade. Who we really are is far beyond disturbing. 

When the soul awakens, we renounce the world, because it begins to disappear. This is not a dramatic or heroic personal choice, but the reality of worldly consciousness dissolving in our awareness. It is the choice of someone who recognizes profoundly the unsatisfactory nature of typical human consciousness, the mentally disturbed, physically ill and endlessly suffering conditioned ego. Someone who recognizes the wisdom of spiritual release through soul awakening. Someone who is at the threshold of this change and is capable of passing into it. Someone who knows that without inner peace, what is the point of life? 

Taking a step back

 Progress on the spiritual path is unnecessary and nothing to be attached to. All positive states are equally as undesirable as neutral or negative ones. We should seek righteousness and skillfulness while learning to detach ourselves from identifying with them. Our attachment, desire for, or personal identification with positive states can be a great obstacle from reaching them and perceiving truth. Our personal identification with the condition of the body or mind perpetuates ensnaring karma. All identification with conditioned states perpetuates dukkha or conditioned awareness. 

What's strange is that in the sense that most of us know, there is no us that is saved by spiritual effort or grace. You could say that the soul is saved, or even our soul is saved, but this is the witnessing within us, not really the us that is the conditioned being which is identified with numerous conditioned states. The consciousness of the witness or the soul is released from conditioned awareness and then I believe it too passes as the dominant center of awareness. 

The awakening witness within has the power to release awareness from identification with transitory states. This isn't a numbing or a psychological disassociation with parts of self that are identified with conditioned states, it is rather an internalization of consciousness that results as the natural passing or death of the conditioned mind. It is a deepening or maturing of the general structure of consciousness rather than a lateral movement in the range of the typical egoic conditioned mind. 

This also expands rather than eliminates personal experience. It opens the personal to the transcendental, to the infinite, with it's inexplicable variety. It deepens the personal to the depth of the intimacy of the soul, the petal like softness of the witness, and beyond. While the personal appears to be simplified in this general movement, and is, it equally becomes something vastly more complex and subtle. This deepening speaks of the maturity of being, what we can note as our being if we do so wisely. No loss of feeling occurs. How we feel changes, and our total feeling takes on subtlety, depth and greater intensity. 

This release marks the end of what we knew, not the end of who we are. It means the fulfillment we deeply desire, yet find impossible to communicate, to directly know. In knowing, in communicating this with our self, we do experience death. In death, we go beyond, remaining alive in a way we forgot about. A way we keep without seeing, that in its own way died when our ego began to dominate our awareness. 

So in a way taking a step we take a step forward.