Contemplating Logic #2

 Over the last couple of weeks, I have been getting myself into trouble without meaning to, without even being harsh in spirit. When it happens, I am like, oh dang! I didn't want that to happen! It feels like I slip up, but not how I often have before. Before it feels like my spirit becomes dominated by desire and I act selfishly. This is just a mistake of sums. Or a lack of foresight. We can still cause problems even if we are not coming form a bad place, because our actions have consequences that affect others. It makes me kind of sad that I am kind of fully realizing this now. I have understood this for a while, but I feel like I was in a selfish fog that kept it from fully penetrating into my conscience. I still don't see it as clearly as I could because of the same selfish fog. It is just that now I don't feel like the fog is dominating my outlook, whereas before it dominated my outlook while I was unaware that it did. I feel like we behave selfishly until we are strong enough to let go of it. I feel like in the past part of me has been free of selfishness, while part of me has not been. And I feel that there was nothing I could do about this but allow myself to be as I was so that I could grow up. It makes me sad that I have had to struggle so much to become a more mature person. I feel like living in this society has made it more difficult to do so, also just chance that caused a lot of trouble for me. I feel upset that I have been so selfish and what appears now to be so foolish. I wish I could have been a better person. I don't think I would be here though if I didn't make the choices I did. I wonder how much of what I am experiencing is because of my immaturity, or because I have reached a place of clarity and evolution that is not very common. I have done what I have done largely because I felt it was important to clearly see what is right to do, and to sincerely be at the level of your own development. I felt and feel that you grow from where you are, not from where you wish you were and the best way to get there is to start by being honest about what is really going on inside of you. If we have all of these hang ups that don't let us face who and where we really are, then it makes it much more difficult to work on growing up and becoming the person we really want to be. I don't think this is easy at all. But, I think it can be a lot easier if we make it a habit to be sincere and honest with ourselves. To take the time to figure all of this out. We always have this moment to make the effort to realize this and we will always have this moment to realize this. We can always turn to this moment to make an honest effort to improve our lives. To put us and the people around us in a better position. I think we do this by acknowledging our shortcomings, our capabilities, and being honest about what we can do to in this moment to either be less selfish, or more intelligent in the way we proceed to do something. I think more intelligent behavior coincides with less selfish behavior because selfish behavior is narrow and short sighted. It makes more sense for their to be good order in the world around us, because we depend on it for survival and well being. If the world is compromised, we are compromised. If we have the capacity to do more, then it is in our interest to do so. It is being more thorough and taking care of more of the details which are the details that can turn against us and weigh us down. Building ourselves here is building up community. It is acknowledging the value of the shared space between us. As well as acknowledging the reality of many possibly competing interests. And realizing that it is in our best interest to become civilized, restrain violence or intense aggression. We are more likely to survive if as a group we limit violent behavior and have social agreements which are social protections and pathways that we can depend upon because there is a heightened surety that they are well established and lead to things of value. We choose to participate in such systems because of their benefits over other behaviors. I think doing so is not for mere survival though. I think this is the logic that our organism has for participating, where what is considered civil mentality and civil society has an identity in it's own right that transcends survival and selfishness. They whom are civil are not just organisms who exceed at survival tactics, they are people who are individuals in a shared community that wish to participate for the sake of participating, because it is meaningful to do so. It feels good. It is good. Just as it is good to survive and good to what you want. Each in their own right. I think logic and civility are a higher agency that includes both survival and ego. Both survival and ego drives can undermine logic and society, whereas logic can enhance both ego and survival. I think it has more power to than these drives by themselves. It is a broader scope, broader and with more depth, like a reversed triangle pointing downwards with divided by two horizontal lines which split the triangle from top to bottom into three equally long sections. The triangle that is made by the bottom most section alone is survival, the triangle made by the bottom two sections is ego and the triangle made by all of the sections together is logic and sincere social participation. Each section represents and increase in depth and scope. Logic represents something new, new but old. Because here one has just arrived to something that has existed forever. It is of an order that composes the world, the world does not compose it. It is the law that is the fabric of flesh and of desire. The law by which all things work. By which all things are set. It is a mental field driven by logic. Logic is an evenness which I do not understand. It is a fountain head from which the world is set up. All chaos is but an appearance that holds the unperturbed evenness of logic. Logic is unbroken. It is perfect, ideal. I did not think such a thing as this could exist. Perfect lines, perfect shapes. It's really incredible when you think about it. Earth as we see it, is a reflection of a higher order. It's hard to imagine something drawing something perfectly. Perfection picking up the pencil and setting to drawing an image. And succeeding perfectly.