Logic # 5

 The daily struggle to bring myself to do what I am called to do. Not a dramatic heart wrenching struggle. Just a moderate resistance to the act of facing the way before me. It hasn't felt like a struggle that I can win in a day. It has been one that is long and drawn out. It has been personally difficult to bear this without a regular system of exercises designed to harmonize my energies. I have felt that the drive to create such a plan has been driven by a will insufficiently suited to create the harmony that I believe I may need to as steady as I would like to be. It has been driven more by cleverness than by appropriateness. This makes in inappropriate. I think I am focusing too much on my own feelings at this point, perhaps giving them too much power over my wellbeing. I think I still am being too selfish. I often find it difficult to recognize this in the moment. It's like I can't help but sink my teeth into a rotten apple. I guess it's a learning process and I am doing something that is new to me. So my expectations are off. I feel like I need to shed an old skin. It has been somewhat difficult for me to find a new reference point. If it's not about me then who is it about? How do I orient myself? What is my life going to look like? It is strange. I guess I feel like I am coming at this at an odd angle. I am unsure how much attention I should give it. I am often not sure how much attention I should give anything. It feels like my touch has been off...and I had it down so well. Lol. I kind of feel like I really don't need to worry about this as much as I do, but I don't think I can help it. I haven't been able to recognize who I am or how much I have changed...and this has caused a lot of anxiety. There are so many interesting things that appear to be throwing me off, and I think I find it all considerably unusual...I am not sure what things point to...Or what it means by what they do point to. My mind feels very squirrely and I haven't been able to put my finger on it. So many things confuse me and I believe send me spiraling. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, discombobulated. Disoriented. Very disoriented...I don't seem to be able to trust many of the feelings I did before..and I am not sure which feelings to trust now...I feel like I am flying in circles and in multiple directions at once...Like my eyes are looking in different directions. But I don't feel as bad as I did before. I feel like generally I am suffering less. I guess I am still processing things. It is very clunky. I feel hot and then cold, back and forth. I don't see another way to proceed...It makes me want to rush forward, but I think this is just stupid. I think it is important to have faith in the way I am going, and this is kind of the point of it all. This would be easier if I wasn't heading into all of it so fast. It feels like I am running full speed at it. Lol. It is kinda scary how it is all unraveling. I feel like I don't have any control...Like I feel mostly ok on the outside, but like 33% of me is going on a constant emotional roller coaster. It is kind of absurd. I don't think much of what I am experiencing is real...Like it has much depth or bearing on how things really are. It is just like a mind show from all of the malfunctioning processes in my brain. Consciousness is trippy. It's almost like a bubble that could pop and I would realize how meaningless all of it has been. I think my anxiety makes me take all of it too seriously. It makes it difficult to see how ludicrous it all is. I guess I am maybe tired of playing along with all of the insanity. I just want to be myself. I want to be free. It often seems like the only way forward is to press play and hold on for dear life. What a joke. I kinda feel like I have become a girl on the inside. And I am working through this side of my being. Ya...like not all of me, like what I have gone through is still there as a solid foundation...it is just allowing me to develop this side of myself. I kind of forgot about this..So strange..It is a different way of being. I guess I am working on being soft...and probably gentle...It seems to me that these are both such powerful forces. It is difficult being so vulnerable. Being so open. To give so much so quietly..It is pretty wonderful. Softness and sweetness combined with wisdom...Our culture is so homophobic..It is sad. Men are cut off from experiencing so many parts of themselves because they are taught to be afraid of them. I am not sure if we have good examples of people who are open to both sides of themselves, masculine and feminine. It is just kind of old school..Obviously things are changing. I don't think it is necessary for anyone to be any way, I just think it is healthy to be able to express yourself and to grow as an individual. To be able to grow freely and in a way that is respected and respectful of others. I think we are the way we are and this is not going to change. In the moment we just have to accept this about ourselves and others. It is clear to me that this all boils down to love. Because love is the deepest respect. This isn't a blind love, but a deep and abiding love. 

I think that everything we can talk about points to the same truth. I think this is the profound emptiness of being. I think everything we recognize as separate things are not in fact separate, but one, that none of these things in fact exist. I don't think there is anything going on but this. What this is is that. This isn't any way at all, but the way that it is. And it is not a way that we can cling to. It is not anything that we can hold on to. Everything that we see is this. And there is nothing else but this. There is nothing we can take from this. It simply remains as it is and is unaffected by the world, because the world does not exist to affect it. Everything that we see and experience is it. Everything that we feel is it. Just as a mirror is composed of millions of grains of sand. We cannot step outside of ourselves. It isn't going anywhere. Ever. So neither are we. Or anything.  Nothing is going anywhere. Things leave, but they never really do. Nothing is separate, their is nothing that is born. What we imagine is born, is not really born. There is no difference between anything. What passes is not passing away. There is no thing that can come and go. There is no other space that what is this, so how can anything leave this? There is no other world. There is no other life. The whole universe exists in this moment. In this space. This space is everywhere. it is everything. Each space is every space and every thing, because every space is everywhere. There is no other space than this. This space is everything. It is whole and complete. It contains everything. We can not gain anything by going outside of ourself, because there is no outside of ourself to go. We have never been outside of ourself. We will never be outside of ourself. There is no room to be anything but who we are in this moment. We have always been ourselves. We have always been fully perfectly who we have always been and this is who we are now. There is no past or future. The present is the living moment, it is all that is real. This moment is reality. There is nothing outside of this. This moment is awake and alive. Each thing in this moment is every other thing. We can not take anything out of the whole. There is simply the whole. There is no difference between anything we do because everything is Love.