What to do with what you have.
I might not make it through this. At least the way I wish to. Do I really know if I will succeed?
I am optimistic and often full of hope, but am I really sure that I will succeed?
I know that there is much turbulence and chaos in my being.
Perhaps I am gambling with more than I know and my sense of security is not what it appears to be.
There really is a high degree of insecurity in my life. It is only balanced by my great vision and deep positive inspiration.
I've been rushing so much and it has felt largely uncontrollable. Action pops out of my mind before "healthy" consciousness can discern and reapply the energies in harmony. I do feel disconnected from myself and I have for a very long time. Often when I speak it does not feel like myself who is speaking. I don't know who I am anymore. I have so many questions concerning who I am that I find it hard to know where to begin to be myself. I think I become afraid and then lost in all the questions I have. I become overwhelmed by my feelings, then scared, then numb and silent as I shut off to the world living in darkness. Then I despair when I feel heartache at my unfulfilledness and perceived inability. Which makes me furious and wild and mad.
I think what I want most is to be myself and to be grounded in Earth and open to Heaven. I perceive a great deal of chaotic energy and form within my body and mind, and I sense it's release into greater and greater harmony. I also sense my own sense deepening and unifying, though there is still considerable imbalance. I feel it is important to be as mindful as I can of my feelings and thoughts as to bring myself back to center when possible when I sense these thoughts and feelings are disconnected from truth. Also to be mindful of my energies and awakening being as to fully utilize and integrate my power and self. To be here exactly as I am.
I don't have complete control over myself and I often fall into darkness. The possibility of reaching my goals is exciting, yet I know I must be mindful of my excitment and do my best to not be carried away. I think it is here that I truly want to be. Here where everything makes sense. I feel that the more I can be here, the easier it will be to be here. I cannot be overly afraid of darkness and I cannot be overly excited about truth. I rush to this and I rush to that, though I am learning to slow down. This is the most exciting part. It is what I have been yearning for for perhaps more than a decade. I think there will come a time when I will be able to presently clearly step away from rushing and have it leave my bones. This doesn't feel like it is now. I still have some time to walk in uncertainty, frustration and semi-darkness. I awaken at the back of the tiger on its tail, looking for the orange fire to ground my spirit on Earth.
Maybe I don't need to mystify this. Maybe its simple. I do feel fantasy. Can I be objective? Will it help me?
I try to make this epic journey throughout life and I feel blind. I think I am not seeing a lot that passes right in front of my eyes. It feels good to be aware of this blind spot. I can enjoy what I am missing out on. Maybe its Earthly life. Maybe its things as they are. Again being overly concerned of my fantastical nature will only blind me as it is also deluded. That spaz happy Aquarian will is apart of who I am and I actually really enjoy it. I do want to be mindful of it and not let it carry me to far away. The key is balance and a working integration of the parts of my consciousness. To be mindful of what's going on in and outside of me and do the best I can to be safe and wise. To be present and centered as I pass between the nodes of my being and discover deeper unity of myself.
Slow down. Be mindful of this process. Be mindful of what I am doing. I am centered? Is this a healthy direction. Be mindful of the path as it is being created in front of me by being mindful of what I am creating in this moment. Create a path that is true to me and true to the world.
Do I need to be doing this now? Is this a good plan or idea? Is this safe? Can I slow down more? Do I see the way to go. What is heaven telling me? Be connected to heaven as much as I can. Listen to the plan come down from the Gods.
Learn how to be safe. Learn how to be true. This is all I can do and all I wish to do
Aight. Peace
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