When your weary

Catch 22 life for days. What do you do?
No sleep. Tough luck
Can't begin to walk towards where you want to go?

What do you do?

Well. Maybe you can't change your life for the better. Maybe you can.

When I do sleep well I feel like shit and I really don't want to. When I chronically can't make the progress I want towards my goals year after year, I get pissed off. Really pissed off. So pissed off you feel violent, you become violent inside. And your so torn up that you can't let it out. So it just builds up year after year. The energy you can't get out drives you mad and your mind splinters off in uncontrollable ways. You lose a lot of control over yourself. Over your life. You can't express who you are personally, fit in socially, or feel or be steady.

When this happens to me, as it has been happening through the last 6 years you do suffer a lot. There's no avoiding that. Fortunately for me, and probably the main reason this happened to me, I have been undergoing a deep waking up process that has not been totally hindered by the imbalance of my sleeping. So when I can't move forward personally in human society, I continue to open up to my deeper nature and to truth. If you can't succeed personally you can instead continue asking how and why is this happening. If you possess a strong truth sense, you can delve deep into the openness of the self, into the impersonality of what seems to be an all encompassing personal experience. But, I don't think anything is given. I don't think there's a set way to do anything. I think you just get what you get. Maybe you get lucky, maybe you don't.

Today I was thinking. What makes us so sure that we will be saved? What makes us so sure that there's a heaven. Even if we can be saved by subtle energies, today I felt that these energies may simply be additional aspects of uncontrollable and perhaps unknowable raw and wild nature. We wish to be free of suffering, what if we can't? What if we can't change what's happening to us. What if it isn't really bad. It just hurts and this is apart of life as we know it. What if life is terrible and hard.

I think he is wiser who doesn't flee from the hard things that he who tries to rise above them. I think a lot of our attempts to purify ourselves are fantastical. Perhaps we can purify ourselves, but can we do it in this moment? Are we missing out on the full spectrum of life with our airy idealism. You can only get to the white shores if you take yourself there from where you are. Even then I think it nearly always with embroidery of chaos, survival, and Earthly life. I find real fulfillment when I embrace all of my life. My wholeness includes my weaknesses and shortcomings. My joy is built on my frailty and ignorance. Most of us aren't saints or gods. I don't think it's are place to expect that from ourselves now. I think the most satisfying thing we can do is to have a realistic sense of what we can do and what we are capable of now and have the heart to embrace the life we are given as it is right now. To be with what is now.

This even is beyond most of us...Pretty funny.
Welcome to life