Processing...

 I have been moving into new territory recently. I am always rapidly changing, but this is more substantial. More epochal. A fundamental phase change that happens to me every 3-5 years. This phase change is solidifying its emergence as we speak. Over the last month I have recognized the content and quality of the new phase. It is a developmental phase change into a higher order, it appears to be a more mature ego. Many years ago I recognized that my own personal expression was inauthentic and that what I appeared to be was not what I actually was. My development was far more disrupted, scattered, and immature than what I projected. I sensed that this was an emergence that was deeply rooted in the cultural psyche I was brought up in and that many others exhibited the same behaviors as myself. I understand it better now than I did back then, but what I think it is is projected conformist blue that is not authentic conformist blue, but contains elements of several different developmental levels of consciousness. It is the insincere, "I am a nice person" sentiment and way of interpersonal interrelating that is largely a survival mechanism, a mask to hide egoic impulses, and tribal immersion. I think it generally hides the authentic self, and authentic feelings. Much of this blue can be authentic though, it is just often a heavily distorted and confused expression full of a lot of other material. Authentic self which can be broken up into authentic drives are repressed because they don't fit into the perceived necessary behaviors that make individuals feel safe within their social environment. This may reveal that it is at least perceived that conformist blue is the best way to relate to other human beings. This obviously is not the case for everyone, or the only inauthentic way to express oneself. Keep in mind that here individuals are authentically expressing themselves inauthentically. This inauthenticity is authentically who they are. 

What has bothered me the most about this was the degree of disease present in this distortion of real and valid drives. Especially how the desire to fit the mold blinds us to realities that are necessary for our survival as a species. I sensed that people were aware of greater ways of behaving, but were choosing to be ignorant because it was easy, comfortable, and guaranteed immediate survival and social inclusion. I senses the astounding degree to which we were ignorant of what would be an appropriate response to the circumstances at hand and was deeply disturbed. To be fair, most people to not see as deeply as I do and therefore do not sense the consequences of their behavior as sensitively as I may. But, I know for a fact that their is a widespread culture of compulsively consciously choosing to hide oneself in ignorance in this country. To hide in the fantasy and glamour of commercial/hollywood/corporate hysteria. A hysteria that is a derailed train heading off of a cliff into the abyss. 

I still have a lot of hard feelings towards this behavior, in others and myself, and I think now that my harsh reaction is an overreaction. Genuine  blue conformist dominated individuals are built to conform and in a lot of ways can't do any better. They trust the order and are bound by conforming to it. It is their main mode of engagement. They are locked in in a lot of ways even if it looks bad. The whole situation is incredibly complicated. True blues are manipulated by  true reds and true oranges who are truly self-centered or are so involved in self interest that their lower modes of interaction are corrupted. The red has no established blue order, no sincere care for others, and the corporate orange has forgotten the genuine validity of respecting blue consciousness because they are so immersed in themselves. As we evolve, red is incorporated into blue and blue incorporated into orange so that orange has red within blue within its orange as its overall consciousness structure. These are three of more modes of consciousness. Blue conformist uses tribal ritual as a means of securing conformity. Tribal ritual is so crude and uninformed that it can be quite dangerous. Conformist also allows racism and sexism and all sorts of isms to continue as long as people are still successfully conforming to the social order. In becomes meek in regards to higher truths that blues genuinely experience. 

I think I have gotten a little off track. Originally I was talking about inauthentic blue diseases. Another ghastly disease of the magnetism of conformist blue collective consciousness is the confusion of uroboric or typhonic consciousness (perhaps early membership as well) with conformist consciousness which is transcendent of these and of an egoic worldview which comes out of a tribal worldview which comes out of an instinctual survival worldview. The confusion of tribal with conformist pissed me off. They appear so similar, but are vastly different. People in all appearances true blues, but underneath you can smell the tribal fear ruling their minds. Robots, zombies, etc. Insincere sincerity. The social ideal is the true blue, the individual capacity is tribal sacrifice of higher modes of consciousness including authentic blue sentiment and authentic egoic desires. Its pre egocentrism appearing as post egocentrism. The heroic good guy is really a snake. This really bothered me because I was in many ways a true blue that lost all his comrades in middle school to the dark snake of the abyss. Lol. I was like, "WTF?? Why is everyone being so shitty right now?? Hormones, exposure to less nurturing, more volatile psychic currents. So fucking bizarre. I don't think I ever fulfilled my blue because I denied it when I realized that the American dream was horribly corrupt. I lashed out with my newfound clarity of orange reason, post conformist, post conventional mentality. I confused  the insidiousness of tribal and egoic consciousness with blue meekness: a blue's inability to step out of conformity to deal with threats perceived by a more rational consciousness. They were all bad and I hurt enough to throw them all out. Blue was the best of the lot in terms of it's innocence and degree of genuine care for others. I have mistrusted so much since then and spent a quite deal of time trying to figure this all out. 

I have spent a long time rediscovering these lower drives that I have outgrown (at least as by being centered in them). Rediscovering and reincorporating them. Roughly ten years. Meticulously reintegrating them into my operating system and conscious worldview. Starting from the bottom and building up from there. I am not sure how clean this process has been, but I think it has been fairly clean. If I am correct then now I have made it back to true blue. I feel genuinely here in true blue territory. It feels very good in a lot of ways. I feel genuinely ready to commit to the world order, not to be swallowed by it, but to immerse myself in it so I can fully apply myself in it and be able to fully communicate within it. It is an essential part of who I am. The conventional roles we play and the conventional ways we conform to and engage in so that human society can maintain equilibrium. It's quite necessary because it is a shared language that we agree upon so that we can coexist. Just because the current world order isn't perfect doesn't mean we should throw it out. To desire so is a reaction to its imperfections, not a thought out response. I think we will always need agreed upon rules and behaviors to coexist. I don't think this is a bad thing. It is bad when the rules we conform to are out of balance with the natural harmony of the universe, with our authentic and valid inner drives that determine our health and wellness as individuals and as a collective. Blue isn't bad at it's core, this doesn't mean it is the most advanced way of behaving or being. We don't stop here. There is much more after this. Much more that I personally am looking forward to growing into. 

So basically I let go of my drives and let myself fall into the space that arose after this. This went through a lot of transformation that eventually crystallized into a basic ego, simply clear egoic desire, a sense of me and mine. This has become undesirable as my worldview has expanded into true blue. Where I find myself now. After this is orange reason and self interest, the departure from conformity to fulfill ones own interests, which doesn't necessarily have to sacrifice blue or anything below. I hope to grow healthily out of blue into orange and maintain my strength in both red and in blue as I do so.