Processing the light

 It seems that problems arise when we do not process incoming sense data sufficiently. This seems to create a back up of unprocessed data which, decreases the processing power of the cpu, which then diminishes the capability of the programs on the cpu. It seems that since all the programs are live, they depend upon fresh data to support their operation. It seems that certain programs are responsible for processing and filtering sense data as it is translated into conscious awareness. It seems that a certain health in the overall organism is necessary for these programs to function well enough to sustain conscious awareness and healthy conscious activity. Disorders in healthy functioning and balance of organic systems disrupts ability to process sensory input into meaningful data, which is the fuel for healthy and wise activity of the individual/organism. The organism must be able to process sensory input into meaningful data for the organism to thrive in it's ecosystem. Sensory input reflects the nature of the ecosystem which within the organism dwells. Without healthy processing of sensory input into meaningful data, the organism cannot successfully operate within it's ecosystem/environment. Sensory input translates into organic impulses, which are the electric messages or currents that trigger activity throughout the organism. The impulses must be processed by the mind so they can be turned into meaningful data, so that consciousness can be sustained, and the organism can intelligently operate in its environment. The organism is a conscious organism, consciousness is necessary for healthy activity. Consciousness is necessary for awareness of the dharma, which is how the organism successfully navigates it's environment. Consciousness is necessary for the awakening of the soul. It is necessary to read the terrain accurately, so as to navigate it. This universe is not a universe with organisms with consciousness, it is consciousness, that has organisms in it. Organisms are consciousness to every degree. The material universe is consciousness. Everything about this universe is consciousness, even that which does not appear to be consciousness. It is. Such is the nature of things. For the organism and the individual to sustain this awareness, their must be health between the organism and the mind. A unity of mind and body. It is the dream of darkness that the individual desires to banish, and that plagues the healthy operation of the physical organism. Organisms with a high degree of consciousness depend more on that consciousness to sustain the health of their organic systems. Unwavering focus on the dharma is necessary to sustain the longevity of the organism. The organism exists within a vast Universe that transcends both physical and mental dimensions. Both of these are truly Mind or Spirit, unconditioned being. To sustain the continual healthy harmony between organism and environment, the organism must be in harmony with the Dao, which itself is empty. For consciousness to be sustained, the programs of the individual must be harmonized with the Dao. The conscious activity of the individual must be guided and informed by the Dao. 

To enhance ones standing in health and consciousness, the individual must use Light, to create more Light. He must use programs that are grounded sufficiently enough in Light, that they create more Light. 

Programming and impulses

What exactly are impulses, and how do they relate to mental programming?

I believe impulses are born of sense desires. An impulse is a bodily current that activates the body to perform actions. They are conditioned by the interaction of the senses and the environment they inhabit. They appear subconscious to me know. Perhaps even organismal. The mind operates on programs. What is the relationship between these programs and impulses? Does the mind receive feedback through the senses? The programs of the mind are constructed out of data. Data is bits of consciousness or awareness of the Universe. It appears that Data is fragmented. Does Data depend on impulses? Does data convert sense awareness into consciousness?  It seems that the stream of awareness from the senses is subconscious at best, it is mind that turns these sensory streams into conscious awareness. It seems that the body-organism operates on instinct, the mind or intellect operates on consciousness or data. It seems that the body-organism is blind to the awareness of the mind or intellect. Whereas the mind or intellect is aware of body instinct and impulse, but not ruled by it. If a man is driven by his ego, he is driven by his impulses, if a man is driven by his mind, then he has subdued his impulses, and rules by his intellect, by his conscious awareness, which at this point is mental images. (FYI I think I am making some fundamental flaws with my assertions, I am ok with this because I am furthering my understanding...) I am not sure if man ruled by impulse and desire is a conscious man. He has a consciousness in a way, one that is less conscious that he who has subdued his desire by his conformist drive which is rooted in mental images, mental data, and the intellect. I am not what region in the human being this drive is tied to, I think it may be the solar plexus. I think this is where consciousness of the universe of the multitude resides. It seems to me that Data contains impulses. Mental programs which govern the willful activity of a man at this level are constructed of data, which contain impulses, which drive the organism to perform action. This man is governed by his intellect, what he knows, rather than what he desires, and is not yet by reason, which is a subset above intellect. Egoic impulsive desire is not enough to establish the fulfillment of the human being. The human organism and human being are participants in a much larger universe. To fully awaken to this universe we have to leave our impulse-desire bound will behind. We must join as participants the grander movement of existence. The degree to which we successfully participate is determined by the degree to which we have processed this vast solar body, which is a mental image. An image that contains organisms which contain impulses and senses. It is through our senses that we gather Data. I am not sure exactly how this works, but the solar plexus constantly and apparently instantaneously converts sense input into data which we experience as a holographic image that we inhabit. The better this mental image reflects Reality, the better we do as participants in this Universe. Which at this point is a mental universe. Here our will operates with programs that are activities that we engage in. It is important that the mental will we have, the mental image we have of the universe, composed of mental programs, accurately reflects the content of our physical organism, or else the organism and individual will develop disease. The new mental will works to distribute the bodily impulses as best as it can into its programming. These impulses include the instincts that keep the organism alive, well, and the individual ego content. These become subsets in this new will, quiet components integrated and diminished in the background. I believe the solar will has a greater capacity to fulfill the individual being. It can use a far greater degree of intelligence to behave. The physical world is a subset of a larger mental universe. It itself is mental. The solar will can interact directly with this larger mental or perhaps astral universe. The impulse-desire-ego cannot. It can only use its will to strangle the greater universe to give it what it wants, it cannot operate consciously or directly beyond its scope which seems first to be the larger mental universe that the physical universe dwells within. The solar will participates in the constructs of the mental universe as to survive, and enhance it's own being. The data it collects are constantly augmenting it's programs or activities, on an arc that is generally enhancing their quality, but specifically makes both good and bad changes. Here the solar will depends upon it's rendering of the Universe, which is improved with the processing of Data. It itself is a processing power or CPU, which is fucking hilarious and awesome. We literally have a CPU within us, and I think it dwells in and as our solar plexus, somewhere down there...lol. The Blue Conformist, is both happy participant and cold robot mental processing. The more we process this data, the more we process the image of the Universe, which I think may be Light. There isn't an unlimited amount of processing we can complete, it is finite, which is very interesting. Here we are working to create an image, that is The Image. The complete image of the Universe. Which is interesting if you have ever heard of the idea of the Image of God that is the whole composition of the universe. I think this image may be the fully awakened solar plexus. The solar plexus really being the Solar Sun, but I am still working on these ideas...When the identity of the individual expands, the reach of his programs expands. He can process data and satisfy impulses from many other beings. When his mind is able to reach out via psychic intuition he can do this from within his own thoughts. His programs have to be real enough to carry this weight. And, his ego subdued enough that this isn't just another pursuit of power. Pretty much talking about myself.. 

The conformist blue really is creating an image that works well for themselves. Having a self image that they can sustain and that sustains them, mind and body. The image is a collection of programs that compose their sense of self, which has become mental at this point. Apart of this living image is the cold dry robotic processing intellect, another part is the warmth that naturally comes from the solar plexus. The initiate here should focus on tying down their ego so they can focus on building programs that best process Light or consciousness, or mine data. It seems that here, Goodness of the Old Book is the best guide. Here, we are limited by our processing power, and lack of established reason, as well as the knee-capping of our own self-survival instinct. We need something to guide us that we can trust, in comes old religion. Morals and Faith. Here, the universe is Vast and Unknown, pitfalls everywhere, signs difficult to read. What do we do? Trust in the old ways. Common sense and Jesus. And the Commandments. I am joking and definitely not joking. I think what I often lack, where I often fail, is in Faith. I don't Believe. Where belief is truly that which summons the Solar Image. Can't hold onto faith with fear and selfishness though. Got to be a true believer. I think I want to depend on my own skill to much and I keep out life and the universal flow too much. Part of this is due to my love of independence and self-resilience. Yet, I am a self who depends and comes from God. My wisdom is His. So many things tie together to make this image. So many pieces. It seems like it is the strength of our mind that holds them all together. Our ability to integrate them into one whole cohesive model. The holes in our minds and in our thinking that hold us back. The One Light, a remedy for all blocked, clogged, or broken pathways. The link and bridge between all things. The Light is the whole image and all of its content, which is the through and through of all of the world we inhabit. What I want to do, is to sustain a strong enough awareness of this Light, the truth, that I can maintain consciousness well enough to build myself up in it, by dismantling myself in it. When I lose focus, I cannot see, and I am blind. I need to maintain focus, maintain intelligence, maintain capability. Without grasping, without seizing, with a light hold. Create room to discover this space. Utilize programs, I believe, that make this so. I can stay on top of this, I can, this doesn't mean I will, but it is possible. The main question is why do I keep on getting into so much trouble? I think I lose myself too much, and everything gets mixed up and has gotten mixed up. Self-control. Mixed with highly volatile energies. Boom!! It really seems like I have got to clean things up. Clean, clean, clean, clean, clean!!!!! and sharpen my mind so I can see through this mess and work with it. Right now its beating me down. Got to be able to cut through these nasty energies. They are working me down. Cut through them. Be able to hold it all in focus so it doesn't get away from me. Clean up, sharpen up, stand up. I have to permanently move myself into a blue space. Migrate. Which basically keeps things flowing well. Clear the flow. I want to stay connected to this purpose at all times. From sun up to sun down.  I do lose sight of it often, like very very often. I just idle or whatever. I want to clean things up so this doesn't happen. It's really hard to stay on top of things. My life is so messy. I don't know what to do about more than just waiting it out and working on it when I can...I don't like losing sight, but it just happens. There are so many variables that seem out of my control. It seems like darkness and chaos are inevitable. How do I ride this out? I don't want to give up as much, but I do. It overwhelms me then I get frightened and the world becomes not what it is. I find it very difficult to focus on what is important, yet I want to focus on it right now. It seems like I have to do other things for this to all work out. I am not sure what they are yet. Things to help me focus. To keep me energized. I am overwhelmed by the thought of what I have to do, yet I still feel like I have to do it. This doesn't feel good enough. I feel like I can meet these challenges. I can rise to the occasion, but my skills seem sorely limited. I guess I just need to shape up. Don't know how much I am gonna be able to do this week. Or the next, wish I had a better plan. It seems like my mode of time may be changing. Which makes sense. Going from moment to moment or day to day of impulsive egoic, to long-term planning of the conformist. I haven't been able to see this far clearly yet. Not what is good anyway. Kind of funny considering my age, but oh well. Some things take time. A good deal of it. I didn't feel like the plans people were making before were good, so I didn't want to make them too. Didn't like where they were going. Felt very dead to me. Very unadventurous. Very dull. But hey, they are not me, nor mine. Not my way, not my path. If anything, I am glad I set out on my own, just because I freed myself in doing that. I did something for myself, which I didn't see a lot of other people doing, not in a big way atleast. Probably projecting some. I felt like if I didn't leave, I never would. I was tired of being stuck in a cage. I still don't think people live for themselves or anyone really, they seem to live for their survival instinct. I don't think people really go for it. Yet I guess you don't have to go for it all at once.. I think most people are afraid to go out on their own. To really be themselves all the way. They hold back. I think people who even are entrepreneurs, don't. They stick to the beaten way. I don't think many people do much that is new. I don't think people get outside of the box. Which is sad, because the whole world is out there. And everything is so bottled up now. People don't know how to live, or what life is. I know this is harsh, and maybe I'm too much of a critic. I think what I am talking about, is the soul. The soul takes risks. The soul is bigger than this world. It has shrunken and withered away. It is what makes life worth living. It doesn't give a damn about how anything is done, it is looking in deep waters.  

Ponderings...

 Thinking about how to make this blog popular. I don't know if that is something that I want.. I think it is. I feel pretty good about that. I'm not quite sure how that would happen..It seems like once it gets a few solid followers, it could branch out pretty quickly.. I think this means I need to write consistently and then interact with people who comment. Which means first I need to write consistently and get into a good groove. I think this could mean having a good direction, having good development, having the thought being active and vital. Figuring out ways to branch out to broadcast more, that will naturally develop as forms of self-expression develop. So now it's about writing more. This could take some time. Like a while...for things to clear up and get steady...That's ok. Like years maybe. Maybe not. It seems like things will naturally clear up in time, while that path is very uncertain.  Seems like this process is largely hands off, albeit how it demands that I become more and more active. It seems like all of this is apart of the emptiness of being. It seems to me that the world moves all by itself, unfolding effortlessly as wind blowing through the air. I think life is so beautiful in this way. It is so open, like a crisp and cool Fall day after a night of heavy rain. No need to cling to this process, it appears to unfold all by itself, effortlessly, yet an effortlessness that includes a great deal of individual effort! Form is empty of form, yet perhaps remains form nonetheless, while emptiness may be the greatest fullness of activity. 

I think one things that depresses me greatly is feeling inactive, in not have a clear and steady direction towards good things. Not being able to see this path. I really like things clean and clear, transparent almost. Well organized. So you can see everything and how it flows together, so you can easily work with it and work through it. Clean and bright. Going from one thing to the next as needed. Yet, nothing remains worth clinging to, not even my likes. Emptiness is the bottomless depth of the stream that no object can aspire to fill. There is no hope for any lingering attachments to satisfy the thirst of my soul, save that of the draught of God which has no lasting place in this world. But, for now, it seems that the path of cleanliness unfolds before me, and I am very excited and delighted to proceed. So happy to be here in this calm clear place. To settle here among the many drifting lights. In my blue room with glass walls that let in the clear light of the Sun. I look forward to staying afloat amid the flow, steadily enhancing my integrity and capability, steadily progressing towards the fulfillment of my goals and dreams. Lol it is nice to have no dreams though, to just stand in this moment with nothing to hold onto. Nowhere to go. And not depend on anything. Just doing what seems natural. Not going anywhere, not doing anything. It seems like clinging is the death of the self.  

It is the pure emptiness of being that satisfies our feeling. 

Ego and Devotion

 Just sitting here. Having some thoughts about my ego resurfacing. About being downright bastard. I feel that I have been, and that nearly everyone is, in part a downright bastard in their core. I think a lot of us don't have the strength to face that part of ourselves. Perhaps largely rightly so, for it could consume us and our society if not handled carefully enough.  I think we do mature through this egotism, but now I think it may be dangerous to handle it without some higher guidance. I think through our mortal egoic consciousness we can discover our inner divine being, but it feels reckless to the extreme to allow it to be as it may if we have the option of also living a life guided by God. I think in lands with wide Godless spaces many unfortunately must deal with the devil before they come to the Light. I do not think it has to be so, nor is it a prerequisite that an individual  must fall into extreme darkness in this lifetime in order to mature. I think what keeps us from liberation is not lack of fulfilling our desires, but lack of wisdom. Specifically the wisdom of salvation through guidance and dependence on the will of God the Father. Now I wonder if the natural unfolding of human evolution is unnecessarily tedious, whereas the path of the devotee may be expedited It seems to me now that my infatuation with fulfilling mortal desires has kept me from clearly seeing this wisdom. Satan is the former, Reason the later. Satan belief in infatuation, Reason the wisdom of renunciation. Reason is the wisdom of God-realization and knowledge of the true nature of the universe, which is God-consciousness. This I believe in practice is the turning towards God in each moment, from the World to Him, from Satan to Light. Satan is the power that pulls us to our desires, to create more karma that binds us to the experience of our mortal consciousness in which we are separated from the universe and our source, God. This so called worldly consciousness is not limited to Earth and what is gross, it extends to any an all apparent forms in the universe, it's essence is the duality of man and environment which is and perpetuates egoic or mortal  consciousness.  This environment can be gross/material, subtle/astral, or causal, subtle light. The ego is only undone in realization of the Absolute, the transcendent beyond the World or Three Worlds. The World is truly the vast Multitude, or Maya, illusory perception of an infinite universe of separate forms. You could probably equally deem this Creation. Devotion is the dissolution of this illusion, following the wisdom of our senses and sense desires is Satan, it pulls us deeper in the darkness of the illusion that we exist in a universe full of separate competing forms. Devotion and Faith lead the realization that all is He and Him alone. He is the Father, He is Truth, Here He Is, Here He remains

We come into Creation for a time, through devotion to Him we can have lasting peace and security here amid the inherent turmoil. I believe we also come here with divine purpose, and Faith and devotion are the ways in which we carry out this purpose. 

God

 Feeling a lot different today lol...I slept well. I got into a good groove last night before I went to bed. Had some good feelings about a half an hour ago..Forgot exactly what they were...Things are always changing. It's a whole lot to keep up with. I believe in God and His power to lift us out of darkness. I trust in Him. I don't really believe in anything else. I think by noticing God and His power we can come under His protection and live in a Haven of His blessings. Wisdom in trusting in Him and being able to interpret His will. To follow it. Having the courage to do this, to fully let ourselves be bound up in His power, is the best we can do as human beings. To do so is to have true faith. To move beyond the darkness that plagues our mortal consciousness. I believe God is always Here for us, open to us, ready to deliver us from the darkness that is Sin. He is the Revealer. The great healer. The healer of our hearts. He can lift us from anything, to anything. He remains pure. God is apparently a force apart from all other force. A Will set aside. A will from the taint and limitations of this world. He is more like a vision, or our vision unmarred by our deep ignorance. He is life as it is, as we rarely see it, if ever. An alien world that is the only real world. We have faith in the unreal and unfaith in the real, believing in the power of Darkness over Light. This is a fantasy an impossibility. For as God is set apart, He truly stands alone as the sole Power in the universe. His Life and His Force. There is no real mortal consciousness, only the infinite mind of God. 

Merlin's quest to get the blues!

 Via the rational interface of an orange. This may make sense if you are familiar with Ken Wilber's work, specifically integral theory. But, I don't just want the blues I want everybody!! Not really...perhaps only integrals and higher will be interested in my work. Maybe some greens. Flirty greens. Not sure though. It would be nice to have a sharper mind. To be in a place where the veils of ignorance more easily succumb to the processing  powers of my intellect. It would be nice if this understanding scattered the winds of discord with ease. A new path, and a new way. What may I do now to curtail doubt? To establish the supremacy of my spirit and my will in this ever-changing universal flow? New mind, new thoughts, new flow. Shaping these rough hewn programs into delicately balanced landscapes, full of a great diversity of intricately and finely formed features. One landscape that has the capability to quite efficiently operate as an interface to use to navigate the real world, as real as it is. Such is the drive of the Blue conformist agency inherent in us. To create a virtual map of the universe to navigate with. The blue is by himself unaware that he deals with a map, rather than the actual world. He lives by the data of his interface. He uses the programs of his interface to make life work, to process the flow of raw data into workable and meaningful content. He is a computer, whether or not he knows it. Though a computer that is alive, has feeling, and is human. Also one open to and operates on  the spectrum of other drives that dwell within human beings. He himself is immersed in his programs, and through his programs he gains more data and his programs evolve, taking shape that as a general arch through time, more and more accurately defines and succeeds  his surrounding...

Several hours later-Blues received, sadness uploaded. delirium setting in. I think I feel pretty out of control in my life in general, even when I am doing well. Maybe this is just blues setting in. I don't feel like I have a steady sense of direction. Something I can aim at, use to hold myself up. I feel like I need something like this often while I often don't know what it is. I feel like I lost my center. Or have lost my center and never found it. I may not even be able to get my center back any time soon. I may just be able to prop myself well enough to steadily progress towards it. I like to find out what that is and how to carry myself there. I feel like I am drowning in this downpour coming down outside. I feel like the water pooling over the pavement. Spilling over it. Jesus. Heave-ho! says mother nature. I know often I feel like clinging more when I am upset, and cannot see the way because of upset feelings, still I think there may be a path missing that I can follow that is and will lead me to steadier ground. I feel like I can't see it clearly and I haven't been able to for a while. I see the edges of it. Edges blocked off by inner confusion. I am tired of waiting for it to reveal itself. I feel like forcing it out in the open. There may be need for it. If I can do it in a healthy way I would like to. I am tired of drinking dirt. It's weird because I feel present among all of this, but that isn't enough. Strange.. I always thought presence was the answer to everything. It feels like the presence isn't strong enough to dispel these human problems. How do I shine brighter? I feel like I am choking on myself. Like I am so full of suffocating on myself that I can't take anything good in to fix the core issues. I also feel dejected. I feel pushed aside from my own life, a witness rather than a participant, to a lot of nothing happening. I want to be in control, I want to be in command. I want to be able to wield this power and this force. I am tired of being thrown around. And I don't know what to do...I really don't...I feel like I don't have enough space to think or process this. So I just continue to float along. I am locked in by the work week and don't have enough time to process on the weekends so I am just stuck...at least this is how I feel. I imagine myself breaking out of it, but I wonder if I have the strength. Just think and think and think and do nothing to really fix it. I feel like I do a lot, and also very little...Self-esteem...If I want my life to be good, then I can't let it get down..At least not too much. I have to stay on top of things. How do I do this when I can barely breathe? What weak points do I have power to fix? I feel fucked up, like deeply fucked up...I feel like I am working on this...and I have been...and in ways it has improved...but it remains deeply flawed...I don't like living this way...I really don't and I don't think I ever have...It is raining buckets outside...

20 min later- Mood swing lol. Hard to know where I sit. I remember reaching a point about 6 months ago when I felt like I was falling into the new dimension I was digesting. I felt like up to that point I had been slowly letting go of something, and then it felt like I was immersed in letting go of that thing as a whole. I feel like it may have been striving...kind of also feels like the separate self as well. This goes with something else I just felt. I feel like since I have let go of striving as my core drive, I have been being filled up by something else. It feels like so much hasn't been working because I took the power source away. It has been slowly filled by selfless being, my individual being seems to have suffered the brunt of this...as it has through all previous transformations...ooooh well...

Questioning..

 Been down today. Part of me can't believe this is still happening. I guess this stems from not understanding what is happening, or why. I feel responsible for this. Perhaps I am. It sure is a lot of weight to bear. Or at least feels like it..
I have been turning in so many circles, back and forth, back and forth. From one thing to another, around and around and around again. I don't know what the answer is or if their is one. I don't know if there is a way. I think part of me may be in shadow in this moment. Part of me is hurt and angry. This part wants me to take action right now at this moment. To seize it to save myself. To seize the opportunity at least. I do not know if there is one right way. The right way seems to change moment to moment. This has been very confusing. Feeling like I am floating and going nowhere. I think it is very easy to seize upon things much too belligerently. To hold on too tightly when we are afraid. To too quickly seize a path or an idea in hopes it will lead us true. I think we have a very narrow perception of who we are and what reality is. Perhaps some greater design lies in the variety of truth that changes from moment to moment. I know when I am hurting deeply, my vison is often obscured to a great degree. In this pain clutching to anything makes sense. What is right to do here? How do we deal with these deep pains? With these chronic overwhelming hurts? Is it possible to find steadiness here soon through action and willpower? How does this variety of truth fit together, if so? Do I have any identity through all of this? I really don't know now. Need I allow myself to go through such difficulty? It amazes me how much I still don't understand. Perhaps the light is merely covered in this moment. Perhaps what I lack now is belief. What I have is doubt. What is doubt? What is pain? What if there is, is the essence of these things? What is the point of all of this trouble? What is all of this? Why is it happening? I feel like I am hurt and I am pain. Perhaps this is ok. It is ok to feel this way. I think I deny these feelings because they are so unpleasant. I deny this experience. I feel like I fall into shadow. I don't think it is possible to disappear though.. Or to leave where I am. I think I may be beautifully lost in my thoughts..and perhaps be more awake than I imagine. Even if I cannot sustain it, perhaps I am it. I don't see how I couldn't be. Or how anything could be anyway else. I don't think there is anything truly wrong with this pain. I think I am just in pain. This is just how it is. I don't know if there is one answer to all of this. I don't know if I believe in anything that I can perceive or name with my senses, save perhaps God itself. It has been difficult to access this without clinging or striving, and I feel often greatly disturbed by shadow. It is difficult not to cling in these situations..and perhaps even more difficult to see what is right to do, if such a thing exists. What is right? What is true? If all of these things are illusions...Each of them holds part of the quality of each and every other thing, for each are truly one and the same, not what they appear to be..If none of them are real and each one is in part the other, how can anyone be better than the other in an absolutely true way? If there is no absolute truth among these relative forms, then what is Truth? What is real? I think in my doubt, I doubt the legitimacy of this moment. I think it may be legitimate simply because it is. I don't think I can doubt away what is though. I can't doubt it away or change it. None of my striving can do this as well. I can't strive away what is happening. I really can't. I don't have that power because I as a separate entity do not exist. Only I as the naked happening exist. Which I don't think can go away because of anything I do. I am only deeply afraid that I will do this... I can't scare away myself. I can be very scared of myself. But I will never leave or go away. I will always be where I am. I do not have anywhere to go...Or anything I think I can gain here...Things come and go...Colors on the wall...I love not having anything, nor being anyone. I love not depending on anything, yet remaining always where I am. I love being this way...I love how beside this, I am constantly changing and how I appear beautiful in so many different ways.