Questioning..

 Been down today. Part of me can't believe this is still happening. I guess this stems from not understanding what is happening, or why. I feel responsible for this. Perhaps I am. It sure is a lot of weight to bear. Or at least feels like it..
I have been turning in so many circles, back and forth, back and forth. From one thing to another, around and around and around again. I don't know what the answer is or if their is one. I don't know if there is a way. I think part of me may be in shadow in this moment. Part of me is hurt and angry. This part wants me to take action right now at this moment. To seize it to save myself. To seize the opportunity at least. I do not know if there is one right way. The right way seems to change moment to moment. This has been very confusing. Feeling like I am floating and going nowhere. I think it is very easy to seize upon things much too belligerently. To hold on too tightly when we are afraid. To too quickly seize a path or an idea in hopes it will lead us true. I think we have a very narrow perception of who we are and what reality is. Perhaps some greater design lies in the variety of truth that changes from moment to moment. I know when I am hurting deeply, my vison is often obscured to a great degree. In this pain clutching to anything makes sense. What is right to do here? How do we deal with these deep pains? With these chronic overwhelming hurts? Is it possible to find steadiness here soon through action and willpower? How does this variety of truth fit together, if so? Do I have any identity through all of this? I really don't know now. Need I allow myself to go through such difficulty? It amazes me how much I still don't understand. Perhaps the light is merely covered in this moment. Perhaps what I lack now is belief. What I have is doubt. What is doubt? What is pain? What if there is, is the essence of these things? What is the point of all of this trouble? What is all of this? Why is it happening? I feel like I am hurt and I am pain. Perhaps this is ok. It is ok to feel this way. I think I deny these feelings because they are so unpleasant. I deny this experience. I feel like I fall into shadow. I don't think it is possible to disappear though.. Or to leave where I am. I think I may be beautifully lost in my thoughts..and perhaps be more awake than I imagine. Even if I cannot sustain it, perhaps I am it. I don't see how I couldn't be. Or how anything could be anyway else. I don't think there is anything truly wrong with this pain. I think I am just in pain. This is just how it is. I don't know if there is one answer to all of this. I don't know if I believe in anything that I can perceive or name with my senses, save perhaps God itself. It has been difficult to access this without clinging or striving, and I feel often greatly disturbed by shadow. It is difficult not to cling in these situations..and perhaps even more difficult to see what is right to do, if such a thing exists. What is right? What is true? If all of these things are illusions...Each of them holds part of the quality of each and every other thing, for each are truly one and the same, not what they appear to be..If none of them are real and each one is in part the other, how can anyone be better than the other in an absolutely true way? If there is no absolute truth among these relative forms, then what is Truth? What is real? I think in my doubt, I doubt the legitimacy of this moment. I think it may be legitimate simply because it is. I don't think I can doubt away what is though. I can't doubt it away or change it. None of my striving can do this as well. I can't strive away what is happening. I really can't. I don't have that power because I as a separate entity do not exist. Only I as the naked happening exist. Which I don't think can go away because of anything I do. I am only deeply afraid that I will do this... I can't scare away myself. I can be very scared of myself. But I will never leave or go away. I will always be where I am. I do not have anywhere to go...Or anything I think I can gain here...Things come and go...Colors on the wall...I love not having anything, nor being anyone. I love not depending on anything, yet remaining always where I am. I love being this way...I love how beside this, I am constantly changing and how I appear beautiful in so many different ways.