Via the rational interface of an orange. This may make sense if you are familiar with Ken Wilber's work, specifically integral theory. But, I don't just want the blues I want everybody!! Not really...perhaps only integrals and higher will be interested in my work. Maybe some greens. Flirty greens. Not sure though. It would be nice to have a sharper mind. To be in a place where the veils of ignorance more easily succumb to the processing powers of my intellect. It would be nice if this understanding scattered the winds of discord with ease. A new path, and a new way. What may I do now to curtail doubt? To establish the supremacy of my spirit and my will in this ever-changing universal flow? New mind, new thoughts, new flow. Shaping these rough hewn programs into delicately balanced landscapes, full of a great diversity of intricately and finely formed features. One landscape that has the capability to quite efficiently operate as an interface to use to navigate the real world, as real as it is. Such is the drive of the Blue conformist agency inherent in us. To create a virtual map of the universe to navigate with. The blue is by himself unaware that he deals with a map, rather than the actual world. He lives by the data of his interface. He uses the programs of his interface to make life work, to process the flow of raw data into workable and meaningful content. He is a computer, whether or not he knows it. Though a computer that is alive, has feeling, and is human. Also one open to and operates on the spectrum of other drives that dwell within human beings. He himself is immersed in his programs, and through his programs he gains more data and his programs evolve, taking shape that as a general arch through time, more and more accurately defines and succeeds his surrounding...
Several hours later-Blues received, sadness uploaded. delirium setting in. I think I feel pretty out of control in my life in general, even when I am doing well. Maybe this is just blues setting in. I don't feel like I have a steady sense of direction. Something I can aim at, use to hold myself up. I feel like I need something like this often while I often don't know what it is. I feel like I lost my center. Or have lost my center and never found it. I may not even be able to get my center back any time soon. I may just be able to prop myself well enough to steadily progress towards it. I like to find out what that is and how to carry myself there. I feel like I am drowning in this downpour coming down outside. I feel like the water pooling over the pavement. Spilling over it. Jesus. Heave-ho! says mother nature. I know often I feel like clinging more when I am upset, and cannot see the way because of upset feelings, still I think there may be a path missing that I can follow that is and will lead me to steadier ground. I feel like I can't see it clearly and I haven't been able to for a while. I see the edges of it. Edges blocked off by inner confusion. I am tired of waiting for it to reveal itself. I feel like forcing it out in the open. There may be need for it. If I can do it in a healthy way I would like to. I am tired of drinking dirt. It's weird because I feel present among all of this, but that isn't enough. Strange.. I always thought presence was the answer to everything. It feels like the presence isn't strong enough to dispel these human problems. How do I shine brighter? I feel like I am choking on myself. Like I am so full of suffocating on myself that I can't take anything good in to fix the core issues. I also feel dejected. I feel pushed aside from my own life, a witness rather than a participant, to a lot of nothing happening. I want to be in control, I want to be in command. I want to be able to wield this power and this force. I am tired of being thrown around. And I don't know what to do...I really don't...I feel like I don't have enough space to think or process this. So I just continue to float along. I am locked in by the work week and don't have enough time to process on the weekends so I am just stuck...at least this is how I feel. I imagine myself breaking out of it, but I wonder if I have the strength. Just think and think and think and do nothing to really fix it. I feel like I do a lot, and also very little...Self-esteem...If I want my life to be good, then I can't let it get down..At least not too much. I have to stay on top of things. How do I do this when I can barely breathe? What weak points do I have power to fix? I feel fucked up, like deeply fucked up...I feel like I am working on this...and I have been...and in ways it has improved...but it remains deeply flawed...I don't like living this way...I really don't and I don't think I ever have...It is raining buckets outside...
20 min later- Mood swing lol. Hard to know where I sit. I remember reaching a point about 6 months ago when I felt like I was falling into the new dimension I was digesting. I felt like up to that point I had been slowly letting go of something, and then it felt like I was immersed in letting go of that thing as a whole. I feel like it may have been striving...kind of also feels like the separate self as well. This goes with something else I just felt. I feel like since I have let go of striving as my core drive, I have been being filled up by something else. It feels like so much hasn't been working because I took the power source away. It has been slowly filled by selfless being, my individual being seems to have suffered the brunt of this...as it has through all previous transformations...ooooh well...
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