Processing...

 So interesting how all of this is playing out. How certain elements move into different gears becoming automated while new elements move onto the center stage. How old elements come back into play when you thought they were out for good. How things happen, but not at all as you anticipated, yet they happen nonetheless. How your identity is mixed up in all of this. How good things get sidelined, dreams get derailed, intuition and vision and manifestation perturbed. Then it resurfaces in a new way, further along the track. How some things you spent so long trying to acquire have much less meaning once you see things with greater depth and clarity. I really believe that the philosophy of clinging is a broken philosophy. That it is irrational and not true. That it is not functional. If any philosophy is true, it is the philosophy of the release of clinging through insight into the nature of things. Without insight, clinging can not be released. There is no improper release of clinging, this is still clinging, just clinging disguised as releasing. Release from clinging accompanies insight. They are one and the same. When we have a deepening of insight, our grip naturally releases and the space is filled with transcendent awareness, that which fills gaps without ego. This is not supernatural or exceptional, it is ordinary and common. The philosophy of the wisdom of release I believe is the path of liberation from suffering. I really believe this, and I may in several ways err. I do not know if this relief is permanent, I merely believe it is mechanically possible, and that there is a science to achieve this. I believe that nothing in this world is what it appears to be, yet we must travel through this world to realize our dreams. I feel like I am here to fulfill a destiny. I feel like this destiny is apart if not one with the path of liberation. I feel that we are liberated through fulfilling our personal destiny as a human being. That this destiny is one with the processes through which we mature into full enlightenment. I do not know if our destiny is fixed. I believe certain elements of it transcend the lifespan we have now and come from deeper soul currents, but I do not believe that these currents are necessarily fixed and that the future is necessarily fixed. I believe full enlightenment transcends all the karma of our soul and that we have to consciously process all of this karma, all of our souls depth to be fully enlightened. We have to fully open up and fill the chamber of our soul. A chamber of chambers. This transcends this lifetime. The forces of our soul transcend our understanding of time and probably space. So fully processing and fully awakening the soul in this lifetime means encountering extraordinary dimensions of time and space that we typically associate with the term destiny. To become fully enlightened I believe we have to fulfill these dimensions or soulful currents which I think we may properly label as destiny. I think we need to be careful when we use this word. Careful how it is received and careful how we relate to it. I think it can make us very stupid because it is full of a lot of make-believe connotations. I think destiny may be better understood as an extraordinary force of will that lies within us. One that is extremely complicated and in many ways very difficult to understand. Yet also one that can be so clear and simple. I think destiny is ultimately one with this moment because everything is Soul. I think this becomes more apparent the more we directly perceive the will of God and are personally in alignment with the will of God, which is really a relative experience I think because everything is God. I think destiny is God's will and when we clearly see God and His will, we see that all things move in accordance with Him and that this movement is Destiny. Destiny isn't something extraordinary, but the force behind all movements. As humans we often fall into states of consciousness where we are ignorant of this sublime movement that always occurs. We resist and cling and avoid and divorce from reality, or God, and find ourselves in an unfriendly darkness in which things are subject to chance and our ability to fend for ourselves. 

All this at least, I believe is a great part of understanding destiny. I think as individuals with apparently limited consciousness we often feel like we are not living up to our potential, that we are out of line with our destinies. This is a genuine dimension of our experience, as is the drive to gain alignment with purpose or our personal truth. I think this drive is very important. Very very important and should not be overlooked. We can become too fixated on it, so that it gets in the way of other perhaps more important truths or dimensions of our experience. For instance, if we are clinging to our lives too tightly because we are overly concerned about fulfilling our destiny, so much that we are strangling ourselves from the very lifesource that is essential to fulfill these destinies. I think once we realize what our destiny is, we have to let it go. Because if we don't have faith, we won't realize who we are that is the full realization of that faith. 

I think I have just unwittingly diagnosed myself. I think perhaps the heart of my struggle is a lack of faith and not have faith in the right things. Our world is full of so much that is unworthy. We become full of so much that is terribly confusing. We become cold and brittle because we are hurt so much. I think it is easy to go down many wrong paths, and that most of us do. I know that the right ways can set us free and that we must intend to find them if we wish to walk them. I think the truth is that God is here right now and that God is love. That love is the heart and the truth of everything. That love is wise and doesn't mean reckless abandonment of sense. True love is masterful. Letting go can happen and it isn't foolish. It is the same as rising up. I think we can let go of everything when we are open to being fully conscious of how all of this is now. I think clinging is turning away from how things are as much as it is turning towards. We can only change as much as we can. Everything else is out of our control. In a way, I think everything is out of our control and who we are is beyond what we cling to. Who we are is so much more. I think we are simply alive in this moment and that we don't need anything at all to be ourselves. When we cling to things we forget this natural state of being and we become in our own minds divorced from what is real. I think the truth is that we don't need to gain anything at all, and that we have nothing to gain at all. I think each of us is fully enlightened as we speak, yet we live in a world approaching enlightenment. I don't think there is anything wrong with suffering or clinging and that we don't need to transcend them. I think it is human to seek to end suffering through ending clinging and that we don't need to stop this either. I do not think there is anything we can gain that we do not already have. I think what we have is everything, full and complete as it is. We don't need to stop thinking we are not ok, or not enough, or that things aren't right. We don't need to stop anything. Nor does anyone or anything need to change. I think this is infinity. Infinity is suffering. There is nothing wrong with this moment.

 I think I am trying to express my frustration with how I feel and how I see things now. I am frustrated with how I feel and how I think. It is painful and confusing. I want to express how I feel, this, properly so I feel better, but I don't know exactly what to do. I am struggling to express myself and it is frustrating. I feel like my approach is fractured and it is very uncomfortable. I don't know how to fix it and it is frightening. The way seems so long that I am terrified of traveling it. I am reluctant to move forward when I feel so much pressure to do so. I feel that I may have to learn how to navigate and experience these new emotions. It is very scary. How I feel is overwhelming. I often bottle up how I feel because I don't feel comfortable expressing it. It is terribly uncomfortable. This is so unhealthy though. It makes me sick and overloaded. My body is exhausted from being so backed up and under-powered. I am daunted by the work I see that I have to do and the way I will have to do it. I often find it impossible to see better ways to do this. This is scary and I feel personally defeated here. I have this habitual reaction to the way I imagine things, this habitual disbelief in myself and perception of doom and failure which coincides with low self esteem. To the point of being maddened by it. It is reinforced by choices that I have made which make me believe how I perceive things even though they are very distorted perceptions. I feel like I haven't been able to control these attitudes, like they have been outside of my power which is dependent on a sensitive understanding of all these components. I feel like I have been barricaded by fear into a corner. Crippled by it. Now I feel like the world depends on all these factors which have pushed me into a corner. I know I am capable of learning, the environment just feels hostile to me because I don't feel that I can learn at a rate that will get me out of this tight situation. It feels like it is going to throw me over the edge. Which I just think would be a panic attack rather than any real threat manifesting. I feel overwhelmed by the pressure of everything in my life. I don't feel like I can release this pressure. Which makes me feel more overwhelmed. Which makes the work I can do slow down even more. Like balloons pressing in on all sides and slowing down movement. I want to figure out how to better manage this. Recently I have been working on cultivating worldly security to make my life more steady and comfortable...