Yee-Haw

 So much of what I believe in, I am not sure if it is real. I don't know if my relationship towards it is desirable or reasonable. I think having no attitude is the best attitude. Not making any headway into this world. Not having any thought about it. I don't think this is what it may appear to be to most people who read this. I think this is something very deep. Where things we think are given no longer are. Where the ground that we base everything on no longer has substance. As a human being this place seems incredibly mysterious. As that which is neutral, there is no opinion, no mentation. Mentation or individuality doesn't apply to what this is. I do not know if this is everything but to me it feels sturdier than anything else I have come across. It makes this whole interface we call individual human experience seem insubstantial. This substantiality passes without note. What is real is beyond all of this. Not a beyond that and I experiences, not some alternate I that we discover. Something entirely beyond everything we call ourselves. The thing is, I do not need to have a reaction to this. I kind of don't really want to. I don't want to be involved with what isn't real. I don't want to participate in this. It seems like what we call reality is an automation of a matrix of interrelated forces. It doesn't require our personal input to continue. It plays on indefinitely. But even this description makes it appear to have substance. From what I have seen, this is stepping down to confusion to describe something that has no substance. That is not even this matrix, because this world does not really exist. This is how I see it now. There is no need to struggle over how we communicate this if we or I do not exist because from how I see it, there is nothing to be understood or conveyed. In a way, none of this is even happening. What is real is completely beyond individuation. I am simply communicating what I am experiencing now. It seems to me when we fall into the belief of this world, in this world, we fall asleep. When we refrain from being trapped by ideation, from being caught up on things, we can remain awake, we can be here. We are simply here, there is nothing more to it, no way of cognizing it. We assume that the truth depends on an active complicated deep mentation, deep cognizing, deep thinking. The truth is it does not depend on anything. We cling to our intelligence because it helps us survive, because of our culture which appreciates it, because it is a useful tool for succeeding in so many other endeavors. We take it as far as we can. I think we cling to knowing because we depend on knowing to sustain our most basic identity. We are afraid of letting go of knowing into the great unknown that lies beyond. If you see this clearly, you see how stuck we are in our culture and our identities. They are like crutches that become chains and prisons keeping us from realizing our greater being that is beyond all of this. In a way I don't have anything to say about all of this that is happening right now. I have no idea about it and I don't believe in any ideas I may have about it. I can tell you what I think about this world. But I don't know if any of it is real. I personally feel best when I am not caught up in beliefs about this world, here where I do not feel I am actively participating in it. Where I can not say that I am an I and it may appear to most that I am active in it. Honestly, personally, I am tired of this world, tired of being caught up in something that does not feel like it is what it appears to me. I do not believe in this place and I want to stay away from it. I like not being myself when who I am is something that feels distracted from what is real. I think we cling to individual being because we are caught up in it and think it is worth living for. To me it is like the infatuation of adolescents of the opposite gender with each other that makes them lose their heads. We are also terrified of losing our power structure. We are infatuated with what we call the world. I know my tone may be judgmental to some degree, but there is really nothing wrong with any of these things nor are they from my perspective any different from anything else that you or I may deem worthy. All fluff is fluff and from my perspective, all mentation, all worldliness is fluff. In a way, from my perspective, anything I can say and do say is simply water flowing under a bridge, and anything anyone says or does is the same water flowing under the same bridge, none of it is especially significant or especially insignificant. I can believe in these things, I don't know if I want to or if I do. I do not know if there is any reason for this or for anything. I am beginning to think that it really doesn't matter one way or another. I know what I may call a large part of me wants to be here, believes in this and is ready to get on with it. Another part of me is tired of the rodeo and could give a fuck what happens. I don't think I have a choice in the matter, the choice that I do have I am already making and that choice puts me exactly where I am now. I think I am stuck carrying out the dharma simply because this is how the rodeo goes. It seems if there is such a thing as anything then there is suffering, and suffering is just as natural as anything else. So if we can, best learn how to deal with our pain. I don't think for most of us it is going away any time soon. I say this when I allow myself to acknowledge the potential reality of a world. I don't know if I wish to do this at all ever. I do not know if it is wise. At the end of the day, if this is true, then none of this matters at all, because none of this is worth my attention or none of this is even happening.