Logic #4

 Once the creature will realizes infinity, it realizes the fantasy of it's own existence, an existence that never was. It is clearly realized that effort taken to gain for the self is impossible. There is no growing self. No self that can gain. This whole motive is no longer essential. It deflates like a popped balloon. Or like an organic life form whose spirit has passed on. It crumbles into dust. Except that this all occurs in the arena of the mind, of perception and the organic life form was a life form at a point, this self which can gain through effort never existed and never had anything to do with anything real. There's no point in talking about it like it was or is anything, because it isn't. The creature perception disappears into the expansive infinite space here and now. That whole non reality reality is wiped from the windshield with one pass of the wiper blade. Being takes on a new prerogative. Everything becomes secondary to it. Life is the natural unfolding of Spirit manifested in the form of the human being. Enlightenment may have been attained, yet the human being remains. I think we can attain enlightenment and still have a great deal of maturing as a human being to go through. This has been my experience.  It seems to me that there is the inward arc towards the infinite and an outward growth towards it. I think we can realize infinity, but not embody it fully as a human being. I think we can only embody it fully if we grow up as a human, becoming more mature. We have to change our center of gravity to do this. From more selfish to less selfish, from impulsive, to logical, to rational, and beyond. All the way to soul, and God, and Christ then finally to Spirit. 

This is how I have been looking at things now. To me I see it as a form of mastery. I feel that I have imperfectly maneuvered through the ladder of being and I have been working to clean up my mess and fundamentally change my center of gravity. I didn't start this process when I realized the infinite. I started it probably going back to when I was passing through integral consciousness and begin to realize the value of all the levels of being, and of cleaning up what I had already moved through. I still find myself considerably perplexed by this whole evolution process which includes waking up, growing up, and cleaning up as I have mentioned. I don't think I fully or always accurately depict what is going on in my condition. I chip away on it as I go along. It seems to me that when I left school after a profound spiritual experience, several intense self evolutionary projects were kicked into gear as they manifested into deep divine movements. One arc, one movement was a soul-rocketing journey towards GOD, another is a bottom up remastering or mastering of all the terrain I have moved through. A redevelopment and reorganization according to a dharma guided intuition of the exact way things work, are built and should be rebuilt. It seems that as this cleaning up process is taking place, my center of gravity, my level of personal maturation elevates. The cleaning up is also a discarding of conditional being to spontaneous natural unconditioned being at every state and level of being. It's fuel is the funeral pyre of a dying ego. It seems that as the ego is transmuted into direct awareness, my human being gains more power to mature. The shackles and the ignorance that hold me back developmentally give way to insight and understanding. 

When I made it through to the arena of Christ Consciousness, a greater way materialized before me. I knew from this point that I would be cultivated my outward human self as well as my inward realization and that the two were inter-related, apart of the same dharmic current. The development of each was essential to progress forward in my life. I sensed that both dimensions of development, both arcs were essential to the full awakening and mastering of my being. I also sensed very clearly that this is where I was, my position in the evolving universe. I knew where I was headed and what I had to do. The details were not apparent all at once, but the way was clearly set before me. When I inwardly fully united with Christ I also reached the full maturation of my personal will or ego. Fate would have it that I did not get to fully employ those egoic powers and was set in a different direction. I also did not get to bask in the glory of Christ-Union. I was speedily moved along both currents towards Emptiness/God the Father, and blue conformist/logic. Both of these are upward movements, the former inwardly, the latter outwardly. 

To my knowledge Emptiness is the most radical Emptiness, the highest, the Infinite Consciousness of God the Father that is transcendent whereas blue conformist is one ladder rung above red impulsive ego. I know I am awakened or awakening to that Emptiness, what I don't understand is if my outward development is genuinely at blue conformist, or if I am merely consolidating my energies here to clean up and master this dimension of being. I know that as a child I passed through this level of being. I also know that my development seems to be greatly damaged by the toxicity of my upbringing, particularly the general toxicity of the culture in the US, not pointing a finger at my parents or family life. It seems that a lot of my being remained on the egoic level even though I may have grown up to other levels of being. I feel like I have been stuck deeply in my ego for a long time, toiling to alleviate it's heaviness. Another dimension of this general dynamic is how when I left school, I started a dark night of the soul episode that dropped my being directly into the pool of darkness that exists on the other side of our conditioned consciousness. It is a pool that is what reality looks like when you directly face it for the first time and have yet to process it into direct awareness. I think this is an experience that is specific to a dark night of the soul awakening. When the soul is barred to the kosmos for the first time in such an experience and the soul decides to let go of the heart of it's conditioned consciousness or ego. It is taking away the restraints that this ego has. I think this can make the soul much more susceptible to temptation because until the ego is put in its place and the soul has good grounding, the ego still has influence over it, and the soul without the ordinary restraints of a ego can be blind or naive, or ignorant of the true nature of things, and be subject to great temptation and great danger. The ego strikes up as great as it can because it faces death. The soul inexperienced and new to directly experiencing the kosmos, may find it alien and if the ego is not cleanly dropped, catastrophe can ensue. If the soul is not firmly grounded in goodness, it can become corrupted, and sent far off course. The combination of this, toxicity as a child, and the cleaning up movements towards mastery make it difficult to pin point what is what in my own experience. I think that although I grew up to the soul level as a young adult, I was still very hung up at lower levels, and still highly egoic. I think this existing corruption made me more susceptible to problems once the dark night of the soul occurred (as I said a process that may amplify the ego) The dharma which led to this dark night was an initiative to clean up my being an to attain mastery, through dropping conditioned being so as to learn how things are through directly facing reality. I think this cleaning up-mastery led to the eventual resurrection of my will power, yet one not governed by conditioned perspectives, but by divine inspiration and direct awareness of reality. It seems like the matrix reloaded, going back through the same system, yet this time with enlightened perspective. It's almost like even though I grew up through this already, I kind of didn't because it was so broken...This makes the cleaning up process look and feel like growing up. Still not totally sure on all of this....

The cleaning up mastery takes up so much of my being that I outwardly appear at the level that I am currently working through. It becomes half of the environment that my universe arises in. Before I was Christ/Ego now I am Emptiness/Conformist. I see the world through eyes of Emptiness and through blue vision. It seems that outwardly now my focus now is developing and mastering Logic and also service through realigning my willpower from egoic desire to God. This all has something to do with the solar plexus and becoming conscious of the multitude of forms in the universe, which are the data bits that inform Logic. It's all very interesting to me, but has been very tedious. It seems to be taking a long time to get going. Bogged down with loads and loads of minutia. I feel that my main strength has been indisposed, my Christ Center, which had the skills and the mastery to get through a lot of this stuff much easier. The whole course shifted unexpectedly which threw me deeply off balance. I have been regaining my balance using a new modality, Logic blue conformist, and I have moved past Christ to Emptiness, which is learning another new dimension with a new set of rules to add on top of everything else. 

It seems that things have been beginning to clear up. To become lighter. I think I feel more of a sense of purpose. I think I sense more clearly what is right and wrong, where I am headed. I think I may even be coming into my power, which isn't really mine, but what God gives me to serve Him. I am starting to see that all power is His bestowed upon us provisionally and according to our due. That there is no power outside of Him and that all of this is His work. I cannot gain anything by myself, nor is it wise to gain anything for myself that is outside of His grace. I should not seek to gain selfishly because it will corrupt my spirit and take me further not closer from God. My happiness is in Him not in this world. In essence and in the core of my heart Yes but not in actuality where I am a mixed bag full of a great deal of desire. I feel that I may be over the hill, so to speak, and more in the bosom of God than in not. I feel that more of my being wants Him than wants the world and that perhaps that which has mastery of my being has shifted to a will that serves God. From this point, in this lifetime I do not think there is any going back to my previous infatuation with worldliness. I am far from perfect, yet I do not know if I have ever been this clean in my life. I feel sick that I was so lost. I feel guilty for how I have been. I feel very content that I am here now. I feel like I have passed through so much evil. It has been terrible. 

I feel like before I have been deeply interested in God, but I also have been deeply invested in myself. I thought it was wise to pursue my self-interest and to promote my self. Now I feel that this is no longer the case. I feel like I don't have a life outside of God that is worth living. It feels like that is darkness and with God I have life. That God is Truth and real. I feel that the way forward with me is with God.