It seems like I'm in between worldly and established soul-consciousness. It's kind of a slog, but I feel like my head is starting to pop through on the other side. I've been seeing egoic-worldly consciousness very clearly. Seeing how it is rooted in my subtle body. Seeing on this level helps to consciously be able to detach myself from it. Instead of trying to handle a vague sense of the ego in the mind, I am beginning to see how it forms in the mind and then is embodied when we act upon it. It first creates tension or disturbance in the mind and feelings, then if we act upon it, it creates tension in our whole body. We essentially become possessed by it. The breath becomes restless and conscious awareness falls into darkness. It is being possessed by the madness of desire for sensory gratification. It completely disrupts clear thinking and ethical judgement.
Where I've found myself, I don't have the levity to move completely out of it into sustained Peace. So I'm left playing a game of give and take, attempting to move in the direction of Peace. This is often considerably frustrating and agitating. I'm learning that it is only my ego that feels this way, and it is apart of the problem. I don't need to get there. What I am is not what I want. I am not my ego, I am, at this point, the superconscious soul or witness. The determined effort for me to get there is wholly rooted in ego and is or appears at this point to be for lack of a better word, evil. Evil, not as something to be held in deep contempt, but something that by its very nature creates suffering and trouble. Evil is evil because this is it's only nature. This is all that it is, or does. So this is why we call evil, evil and why I call the ego evil. When you look at it clearly, it really just pulls you down and makes you suffer. Its a fucking demon.
I have a lot more ego than I anticipated. So I have to root it out more deeply than I thought. So I am learning this and working on it instead of being well established in Peace. You can't just power through to Peace. You have to really wake up the superconscious soul or Witness and move beyond ordinary striving. The ego is saying fuck you the whole time too. It doesn't want to leave. The soul awakens, and we form a new dance with the Universe. We open up to the subtle flow of things occurring underneath what most perceive as the concrete material reality. Apart of this new dance is the development of our conscious communion with the Divine or Spirit or God. There seems to be a Divine Plan behind our lives and the process of our awakening soul-consciousness. It is essential that we work with this Agency, this Process, in our efforts of awakening. For it truly is the Master that we become when we first acknowledge it, and then yoke ourselves to it. It is this special relationship at the center of every soul's spiritual awakening. This is paramount. Truly it is everything.
I think it's important for me to remember that that Peace is still here. Even if I can't live fully from it, it is here. Even if I don't see it, this is it. The Way is here, and it is open. It is available. Accessible. Things aren't as bad as they look. I think a lot of that is my mood, not what is. Not who I really am, nor how I wish to be in this moment. We dwell in Infinity now. We always do, even when we're fucked up.
This is because we are not really fucked up. This is an illusion. In a way, it can't be. All the fucked up things that happen to us, they also open us up, they help us to see. They are equally God happening to us a much as the good stuff. It's all good, it's all the same. So, things aren't fucked up, they are ok. This isn't real, it is a dream.
All of this is just our expanding mind, our expanding consciousness, operating on unchanging Universal Law. I think if we can take a step back from it all, we can see how things are being created by mind, by thought, and with wisdom, we let go of what goes against that law. We see how Peace exists within what is Good, and that we are free. We are awake and One and Whole.
What if we are not broken? What if we are not struggling? What if there is nothing wrong with anything?
We can't fully overcome negativity through resistance. We have to reframe our outlook to see that negativity as part of the whole. Yet also through resistance, Peace is born. Peace will break free. There is no division between Good and Evil. They are one. In them there is no good or evil, simply the One. Resistance occurs when we are at war with our self. When we fully accept our self, there is no room for resistance, there is no war, there is only Peace. Peace is alive in the present moment. It is eternally awake now. No good, no evil, no war, only my self.
Sorry for any confusion this essay may bring. I believe I am dealing with two separate areas of development in my self. One I believe is moving from ego to soul or Witness, where there is a clear distinction between Good and Evil, right and wrong. The other is moving from the Dominion of Presence where good is in charge, though still at odds with evil, to the Already Existent Fully Established Oneness, the Perfect Form and Reflection of the Unmanifest Formlessness.
I don't fully understand the interplay of these two developments so my descriptive language is imperfect and I believe I often confuse fundamental structure with each other in my writings. I'm not even sure if I've correctly identified the two areas of development I listed above. They appear so similar at times that I go back and forth thinking they are the same and then that they are different.
