Merlin's yogic awareness

 I had a profound spiritual awakening when I was in college. With it came an exact intuitive vision, the yogic awareness that I described in the last post. After this experience I knew without a doubt that I was going to leave college. I knew that my life was forever changed. I could see into what appeared to be an entirely new universe, the universe exposed, without the blanket of conditioned perception augmenting my reality. I wasn't entirely enlightened. I just popped the lid of of the bottle. This human vessel was still full of delusion, there was now just a gaping whole in the top of it to the beyond which is the real. And I, perhaps suffered some sort of ego death. My life still lie there, but now as an abstraction within this vast raw expanse, it was something like a broken mirror waiting to be further fractured and ground down by the forces of the kosmos. My soul or something like it, was still tied to and invested in it emotionally, but kind of in a way that one holds on to love lost that won't return. This may be somewhat beside the point. From that experience on I have had at times certainty in knowledge that certain things were meant to be, were right, or wrong for that matter. My intuitive sensitivity was drastically heightened from that moment and has been regularly improved in the time since then. With this new awareness my will and life direction have had a paradigm shift. Now in addition to choosing goals that I think are best through reason and perceived practicality, I search for perhaps a universal calling to guide me. This supersedes conventional mentation. This may sound different from what I described in the previous post, an awareness of exactly what it takes to achieve a particular goal: pure objectivity. I think perhaps as I have described it, it is. But the two are both aspects of yogic awareness. The yogi can not truly succeed in God-union unless he is following the will of God which orients him in a particular way unique to each yogic. The will of God combined with the meticulous exercises informed by the yogic objectivity allow the yogi to steadily progress towards the miraculous. The yogic objectivity used for egoic aims without the will of God can prove disastrous. In my own experience discovering the true will of God has been very difficult given the deep and complex way that our society is deluded with it's manifold snares. It has been the process of undoing a monster ball of knots, or undoing a spool of ribbon in which each half circumference of ribbon unwound reveals a different face of relative truth to wrestle with. Over and over and over and over again. Nonetheless, the Will of God, God being the Universe, or the One, or even Being, shines resplendent within an apparent universe of chaos and confusion. Against all doubt and cynicism it extends within us perfectly and masterfully. And thank God it does, otherwise the universe would have no meaning. We could have no real life. Hopefully as time passes here on Earth more and more will continue to deeply awaken and make the way easier for those upcoming individuals. I do not doubt it will be so. For the time being, pray earnestly for salvation. There are many who are listening. 

After all this time my vision is still spotty. My adherence to God's will seems frail, perhaps at least on the surface. Yet I feel that this is changing. I feel more capable of establishing myself on the Divine path and much less likely to be ensnared by what in my case has been devastating delusion. So much that I thought was important seems much less so, and it seems that the only thing that can provide me true meaning is to serve a higher purpose, fulfilling the dharma set out before me. It seems that personal ambition is riddled with delusion and in consequence without merit. The self that I wish to serve and uplift is the great self within us all. My personal ambition seems largely misguided and now more than ever undesirable. Almost as if it was I trap that I lived in yet couldn't get rid of so I had to make do with it for the time being. It always seemed to burn me and make me suffer like holding a hot coal. Perhaps I can still want things for myself, but I want to want things that are good for all. That are good in the eyes of the Lord. That are free and full. Now I am content in merely seeking the will of God. Another thing about egoic ambition. Perhaps two things. Be wary of how you approach transcending the ego. You must do so with grace if you wish to truly leave it behind, and behind you may never fully leave it. If you compulsively attempt to throw it off, through dogma or half baked reasoning, you will fail and will cast yourself into some kind of perhaps subtle prison. In this case it seems to be the ego attempting to throw off the ego. You must be guided by some more subtle force that undermines and transforms its structure. For me outright denial seemed much too compulsive misguided. I found that embracing it and allowing it to be worked the best. I think perhaps we must both embrace it as it is, allowing ourselves to be egoic and also use our higher consciousness to transmute it into soul. I think this is the way that we grow in our hearts, yet this way can take many different forms in outward expression. We do grow through our egos. It is when they are fully developed that we can clearly see that they are not enough for us. If we deny what we truly want because we believe we need to be something other than we are, then we will never make any progress. 
Peace out. Merlin