Discernment, letting go, determinedness, dedication to God

 It's so easy just to let go of control. Just to let things happen. To be lulled by the bliss of dropping one's defenses. Perhaps to stop being discerning. Especially when beautiful things are in front of you, within reach. Beautiful delicious things. But, there is the dharma, and the truth, and consequences of our actions. There is fulfillment that cannot be gained through what perhaps are distractions. Fulfillment gained by knowing oneself and taking steps to fulfill one's true self. One's true nature. Where temptations that are distracting are readily perceived and the way to peace as well. Where the truth of these temptations is seen and they are desired less, for it is seen that they do not bring what we imagine. They cannot fulfill our soul. 

I intuit that there is another way to release oneself from the pressures of this world that we can trust. Time and time again. That doesn't steal from us as it gives to us. A way that reveals how things are and how one is. Without the coloring of naive imaginings. I find that this way is not bound to things or beliefs or fixed attitudes. All these things create obsession and imbalance when confused for the truth. Things alone cannot be depended upon. Things are unstable. Things are not the truth, dependence on them for awakening and salvation is misguided. Things are limited, and when we are attached to them they blind us to truth and reason. When we can't let them go, we can't listen to the wisdom of the moment. We are blinded by passion and fear. To let go, we must let go. Let go of our attachments to this world that keep us from realizing ourself. Letting go not to gain an open hand just to grab a more subtle dream, but letting go to remain letting go, to be free of attachment to limited forms. To remain in that uninterrupted unimpeded. 

Here the dharma teaches us to let go, but by bit. I can see that space where I can be free and it seems like a space that I can reach through the practice of mindfulness that gives us the wisdom to discern truth from fiction which illuminates what action we can take to liberate ourselves and what action we can take that puts us this in jeopardy. I have faith in the awakening of this discernment through action and experience. Through conscientiousness. We can discern the way, and in time and with practice I believe we can walk it with surety. I believe it will guide us home and we can be free of our demons. It seems like the notion that we cannot escape and that we do not have the power to be sufficiently organized to liberate ourselves is based on ignorance rather than right understanding dependent on perception of fact. It may be difficult, and it may take a great deal of time and effort, but I believe it must be possible through conscientious intention and action. I think this is a main component of waking up that we experience both passively and actively. Perhaps as passive surrender to God and as activity we consciously perform to awaken our being. A dimension of our life is action. With mindfulness and right understanding, we can direct this action towards liberation. I do not see how we can get around doing this if we wish to fully liberate ourselves. Whether it is brief or extended, it seems that our mind must make a commitment to the truth that we carry out with our will in some way for us to wake up. That we must be deliberate in our pursuit. Consciously engaged and willfully adherent to our intuitions of the core of truth that lead us to awakening. Willfully determined to awaken. 

Much of me has been, much of me has been hesitant and committed elsewhere. Through trial and error, I have learned of the folly of much of my behavior. Misplaced confidence and misshapen expectations. Deluded perspectives and general unfounded understanding. A mountain of assumption engraved in incredible detail on the hard rock of my soul. Meaningless symbols. I thought I could have God and this, but I cannot. This is a dream whose price is blindness and the prison of the duality of pleasure and pain bound by desire and attachment. While I saw it as something worth having, while I see it I should say, worldly desires, I see it as something worth having. When I see the prison that comes with it and the ugliness bleeding through what I saw as beautiful and good, I hesitate. When I see with greater clarity the reality of committing wholly to God and to waking up I see how this appears more to be the answer to the prison of attachment and worldly desire and the only way to free oneself from the torturous cycle of  power and powerlessness that we find ourself in in while confined to this world of limited forms. Because I have not fully committed to God as of yet and made the journey with the whole of my being to Him, I cannot say that I believe this without a doubt to be true. I sense that it is a truth and a part of the path. Whether it brings about what I see now remains to be seen and is likely distorted by my current position. Almost definitely distorted in some way. 

I still long for the world, but I feel its pull less. I feel more eager to return to something true and dependable. I am weary and I wish to be with someone, something I can trust. I am not sure I can trust anything or anyone of this world.