What is this? #2

 I'm gonna change my name to ready. Except in spanish so it will be Listos. I think listos is plural as in we or you all are ready, which makes it all the better. Definitely doesn't make sense. That's why it's funny. Merlin Listos. We're ready... oh god. Ok. back to work. umm..Oh ya. I had another point of view of the full extent of personal and impersonal. Neither of them are true because they are both ideas and ideas are not real. This is it. This isn't an idea. It isn't anything at all. We have all these ideas for things and none of them work. None of them fully define what they supposedly define. They are ideas, not reality. This isn't an idea. It's not any idea. What we are isn't a person or a thing. We aren't an idea. We aren't anything at all. We aren't anyway at all. This isn't any way at all. It isn't a this. an it. What is it? What is it? What is this?
What is it? What? Who am I? Who. Who am I. Who am I? It seems personal. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? who am I?  Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?Who am I? Who am I. Who am I. Who. Who. Who am I. Who. who. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I?

I feel like somethings missing in my life and I've felt this way for the last 7 months. Before then I remember feeling like I was succeeding and perhaps had succeed in finding what was missing, if you can say that I found it. I have been working consciously and unconsciously over the last seven months to regain my position and also just to be, to not be attached to the outcome of my attempts and to simply be here as I am. This has been very challenging because I have been in regular pain and torment while my energies have been haywire. I severely doubt almost every day my ability to succeed in my aim and I have been wrought with fear and anxiety over my ability to survive in this world. One of the main driving forces of this state is the ability of my being to deal with the energies passing through it. Being overwhelmed overloads the system and leads to systems malfunction which equates to pain and suffering. This impedes my ability to focus on what I believe I need to do to correct the overall system. The stress makes me paranoid and restless when I need to be rational and calm. Grounded. It makes me want to figit instead of being where I am with what is going on inside of me. What equally impedes my ability to manage this system is the intensity of the chaotic waves and currents of energies. They often outmatch the strength of my concentration, my ability to tame them with intuitive will, and they often hit me from so many angles that it is quite difficult to find my balance and a suitable place to work. I feel like I am coping much more than treating. I honestly wonder if I could have done any better over the last 7 months because in addition to the stress and intensity and multi-dimensionality of the chaotic energy, my consciousness and intelligence has been severely compromised. I haven't been in a state of mind, or have had access to the states of mind required to effectively treat the condition of this being. I still don't think I am, not consciously at least. I feel like I have been rebuilding consciousness, retracing my steps, trying to remember who I was and who I am. I feel like a have made a ton of progress, but it hasn't happened as quickly as I wanted, perhaps or expected. I want to feel good, I actually want to feel great, but it is more important to behave wisely and possibly to rethink much of my approach. Not work I wanting to be doing, or work that I feel I have time to do, but work that seems unavoidable and is probably for the best. The frightening and astonishing thought is that this could go on for another decade or longer. Jesus. 

I still don't have a clear trajectory, something I can trust. I've got a lot of things that appear good and I think are good, but not a deep reassuring direction. I feel and think that where I was before was good, perhaps even where I am now is good, I just can't see this clearly. It feels/seems like I got knocked by to where I was before I moved back to Washington. Where I was at a loss of what to do to help my situation. I couldn't see right from wrong and I feel like that again. Not with everything, but like a hollowness in my heart and a dark void where my vision was that helped me conquer the world. Like before I just felt like I wasn't really here, like a tattered shadow trailing the light of my person and being. It has been frightening to fall so low after gaining such incredible confidence and vision. It has highlighted the incredible power and scope of the mind. It feels on this ascending cycle the terrain that previously gave me inner peace is merely another article to work with, like it can no longer hold my being and be my center. The climb feels longer. I thought that perhaps this was due to the fact that my center changed before I fell and I pursued a higher good then than what I pursued the three years previous. Right before I was defeated I reached what my intuition told me was a new part of the path and of my life, the last one before peace at that. With a new dynamic, a new sense of  purpose, and a deeper conscience and being. It said this was the last rung of the ladder..and then my hands slipped from the rung and I fell again into oblivion. Talk about drama. Jesus.. and when I fell a spiritual gong sounded and said I would rise quickly to continue from this new altitude. Jesus fucking Christ. I knew it with more clarity than perhaps anything else in my life. But first..darkness...Lol, a great plunge into the depths of the sea. Sweet Lord have mercy. It makes this all feel like a great game. The greatest game ever played or the most dramatic play ever composed. One that is my own life.. Knowing all this I allowed myself to fall. I allowed myself to fall into darkness. Perhaps even cast myself into it. Straight into the pit of hell. Like an arrow or a skilled and graceful diver. Into the abyss. Into the deep. Where dark things dwell. I sank slowly to the bottom of the sea. I found my priceless treasure. I return to the surface out of the gloom and darkness.