Doorway to Infinity

 The doorway out of conditioned consciousness is the doorway into infinite consciousness. Into infinity. Which ironically isn't going anywhere but where you already are. This sounds to me like the gateless gate between here and here which are both here. Which you pass through but you don't, never have, and never will. Because your always here and nothing stands in your way from being here. Here without italics is imaginary, the gate that bars our way from enlightenment is the world we perceive when immersed in conditioned consciousness in which everything is separate and limited in form. We think we need to somehow arrive in this world, the world that is the conditioned perspective you may be seeing right now when you look out with your senses, when it is where we wish to arrive and wishing we would arrive there that is the gate blocking our path. This gate that is conditioned consciousness keeps conditioned consciousness, you, in conditioned consciousness, at least in subjective perception. Because seeking it, the way out, to arrive here in the world you see, you are seeking a way into the world you already exist in, which while doing so, you will never leave. While immersed in conditioned consciousness we think we are not here, when we are. Because all we can be is here, because here is the only place than anything can be. Everything else is fiction. When we are immersed in conditioned consciousness the world we see is a conditioned place and wanting to arrive in it means wanting to be conditioned in some way in it. Just a loftier and idealistic version of our current conditioned consciousness, which although prettier, is still contrived, a fancy, not who we are. This is not awakening, this is masturbation. This is unclear perception of the dharma and the way. Often partially true and full of intuition and feeling of awakening, but missing the mark. If the world you see isn't enlightened, then why would you want to arrive in it? It must be something else. Do you want to excel, or do you want to truly be? Do you want to get off, or do you truly want freedom from the prison of your mind? It's alright if you just want to get off, or excel, it truly is, this is just a part of being human, a part and one with the dharma. It just won't get you to what is real, even though it is, when you confuse it with waking up. 

To get to what is real you must let go of this world that you see that is conditioned, you must deeply see how it is flawed and that it is flawed because of your conditioned consciousness and your conditioned perception, so clearly that you no longer desire to live in this conditioned state of being and that you consciously let it go. This can happen over any period of time, in any kind of way, but this is the heart of waking up. We are attached to the conditioned matrix, lustful for it, and terrified to leave it. It dominates our reality. Seeing it for what it is, nothing that can satisfy us, we are moved to free ourselves from it and find true satisfaction. As long as we are deeply infatuated with it, this will not occur. It goes far deeper than we imagine and is much more of ourself than we think. We have many ideas about what enlightenment is, as long as we are deluded in our understanding, we will not see the way and we will not be able to walk it. If we do and our mind is not clear and strongly fixed on the dharma we will be thrown around not to our liking like a ship in a tempest with danger all around. This may be sufficient for you, but it is not for me. It seems like a half-way house to hell. 

Although we may see the dharma and the Buddha as our very selves, if we remain addicted to the conditioned world we will remain tormented by it. This is the true meaning of what is worldly, addiction to the matrix of conditioned being that arises as our perception of the world. It seems to me that we would only desire this halfway in, halfway out if we were mad and being mad did not see that this is not something we truly desire in our hearts. It is not our deepest desire, but desire born from ignorance and the madness it causes. Seeing this deep desire to be completely free from the matrix, we may find ourselves stepping away form the world in ways previously unthinkable. Giving up things we thought we would cherish forever. Such is the power of deep realization. Such is the transformation it engenders. Wholly free is wholly free, and this is that place on the edge of our awareness that we think we will never get to. That captivates our awareness for brief moments and disappears beyond reach. The conscience of our conscience that is unparalleled, both high and low, yet clean, whole, and true. That is sound and clearly dependable, possessing a settled wisdom. I believe this is the conscience that wishes to be free of all madness, that manifests a singleness of being and self that is deeply desired and is the only conscience that can create this without forging an artificial identity for the sake of ease of being. I think although it is ok to be deeply ignorant, and to be mad and possessed by lust for the matrix of conditioned being, but we do not in our heart of hearts wish this. We wish to be wholly free and wholly ourselves consciously right now.