Musings

 I continue to change a lot. It feels like I am getting a better feel for what I am doing. It feels good. There appears to be a great quantity to process, which can be daunting, but, this process seems to be governed by forces that can be known and depended upon. It seems that the more clearly I perceive this, the steadier my hand will be. The more certainty I will have about the consequences of my actions, and the results of my efforts. Certainty that what I am doing will bring about what I think it will. It appears that manipulation of elements for selfish gain creates a blindness which inherently upsets the efforts made to reach particular goals. It makes the fulfillment of the goals unavoidably uncertain, which renders this approach unfitting if one wishes to have security in their endeavors. If one wishes to be able to depend upon their efforts. Otherwise, it is always a gamble, which eventually will end in ruin. They whom are ruled by their ego continue in their pursuit of power and mastery because they fail to see this and believe they can outwit the universe, they by their time until they are powerful enough to challenge the powers that be, they may succeed for a time, yet their sole trust in themselves will be their undoing, because in doing so they fail to see the greater order at work. They are blinded by their own power and wit. They fail to recognize that their personal power is a subset of a greater order to which all of this power and personal intelligence belongs and is governed by. This selfishness itself is the act of turning away from this greater order, which is it's ignorance, and it's doom. It is belief in the wisdom of turning to one's own cleverness and spurning the order and will of the greater world. It is drunk in the pursuit of personal power. It is yet ignorant of much that lies outside and beyond it. 

Moving beyond, one turns from this draught to the light of the existent order of things, and the light flows through the mind and the body as it hasn't before. Here, it seems, that intelligence takes precedence over want. Want is subject to the way things work. It is seen that this order cannot be bypassed by desire. It is something to navigate, not to dominate, this is impossible and undesirable because the light of the order is far more tolerable than the dark prison of selfish desire. This selfishness can only beat off suffering at best, while the light of order allows one to rise out of it with increasing certainty. Certainty that comes with knowledge and trust. Here one learns to transform selfish desire into consciousness. And with consciousness comes skillfullness. With intelligence it seems that you can do anything. There is no end to what the mind can achieve with intelligence. The aim isn't to eliminate the base, but to grow out from it. To carry it further than ever before. 

Operation Get Votes

 Operation steer to the colony, entering the hive. Sending out bee-vibrations, ticking out the codes, antenna deployed. Gather the honey like Sunday money. Steer the beer to the thirsty throng. Make amends for all the wrongs. Turn it on like Donkey Kong. Nuff said, tough stuff, for reels. Reels for days. Not only green light go, green light stay bright, with steadfast daylight. Tough work, make jerky work. Roughneck leather head, steadfast daybed, soft light, standstream, mellow gold, make believe, strataverse the underwear, daffodil and teddy bear, tall up, sundown, shoe box, motown, great seed for grape king, make me, my meddly, mopey no show me only, make the mad knee care for unkee-doo, he be best knot for top sun dog. Turn sideways for golf feed, next to me you say CHEESE! Smelly smiley rectified, cast betwen two mountain sides, Randy James get liquified, some good pears got sunshine, The stratoverse opens before a hearse, dark doors to Earth birth, condensed and turned, upheaved and burned, toasted sweet, carmel coffee treat, Halloween Happy Days, sugar pains, mind bleed, star feed, make believe, stolen cheese, playing in these colors, swirling on the wall, coming up to Sundown, where I know it all. Day past, stray cage, one stand, night play, curly cue, marrow bay, call the people, set it straight, sacrifice, bite by bite, make tomorrow, live today, work the work, spinning the light, spinning the light, spinning the light..

Creative power of now

 We can use the will to create anything we wish, for ill or good. It is a creative power that we direct with our thought and attention. From within us, it is ceaselessly participating in the creation of the universe, creating that which is in accord with our energy signature. Much of what we will, we are not conscious of, the key to controlling and guided what we create is to pay attention to how our inner individual universe is related to the exterior worldy universe. By understanding the subtle relationship between the two, we can alter inner currents to manifest outward changes. The two are ultimately One and eventually it is seen that inner feeling is equal to exterior reality. Still from here, we experience this shaping of reality as an interior feeling/creating, except that here, there is no barrier between creator and created. This I believe is the highest form of creation and of existence. By understanding mind and feeling we can shape the world consciously with our will. We can be fully conscious of what we create and have full control over the outcome of our creations/endeavors. The power to create is always here and it is always infinite. Lack is imaginary, it is one way in which infinity expresses itself. Everything in our mind is an expression of infinity that we experience as human beings in a multitude of ways. We often forget that we are One with the creative process as we fall into the belief of negative thoughts and feelings. We forget that all of this is coming out of us right now. That we have total control if we choose to have it over what is going on. It is all in the mind. I think it is very true that what we experience is a choice, even if we are unaware of it, or feel powerless to change what is happening. I think deep within we choose to see what we want and to ignore what we want. I think when we are very mindful of how the creation of the universe comes from within, we may feel highly motivated to be more conscious of how we lead our lives. Forgetting this is like slipping into a watery dream. We have the power to shape our lives right now, and for many more often than not, we are not living the life that we wish to be living. We feel the choice is out of our control. I think it is most intimately within our control. A kind of intimacy unfortunately very alien to us, even though is is more us than we are now. We shy away from this power because we are comfortable in our relative darkness, but we will never be happy here. We will never be happy postponing living fully in this moment. There is no life but what is happening right now. I think it really is all or nothing. It is really amazing to think that our fullest life is right here, not anywhere else. We don't have to do anything to get it. The funny thing is that it already is here, it is the only things that is. 

The way

 I think I know now that forcing it is not good, that it won't work. I have to find something that is light and that works. Bending to my own will is not the way. I think it is hard for me to accept this and to adapt. Especially when I see that I have the power to do what I want with it. It is hard for me to stay open. While it doesn't seem that there is any other way that works. I think the universe may be more open to my disposition that I think. The thing is, I get an idea that I like, and then I seize upon it much to tightly and become lost. This is not the direction I want to go. I get upset because I think I can't have what I want or like, that I have to give it all up, when I really think what I am giving up is attachment to it, giving up that attitude and way of being. This I think may be most important. And perhaps has been the most difficult for me to maintain. I have succumbed easily to temptation in the past, and I distrust Christ and this wisdom. Turning to darkness instead for personal gain. I don't think there is really any other way that works, and I think the way of light is almost definitely the most fulfilling way. We distrust it in our ignorance. In our fear of losing out. There is a way in Christ, perhaps many ways. Stay light, stay open, and a path will come to you. Non-attachment. It seems like the mind may have to grow stronger so that it can focus more readily. It seems like now when I try to use it, it almost instant breaks down into egoic striving and is useless. In a sense building up the power of non-attachment. Otherwise any effort seems futile. This seems to be the way. Not anything else, as much as I may want it. It almost sounds nice because it frees me from the pains of desire and attachment. Of having to be a certain way. Desire and attachment seem like wisdom, but they are not. The body does not want to accept this. It wants what it wants right now. It is really easy for me to get caught up in what I want, and lose sight of this. To get caught up in desire. That personal power is a distraction. It is lust for desire. Lust for power. Really losing sight of what is real. Losing sight of the way. I am not sure I know what a balance looks like. Between the two. Because it seems like I can only do so much of one right now. It feels like I am stuck between the two. And I want to go more towards one, but I don't think I will be giving up the other. At least altogether. I don't think I need to. I don't think that is my destiny. I think I just need to do enough, to strike the right balance between the two and this will move me in the right direction. I don't know what that is yet, I think I may be getting closer to figuring it out. I am eager to do so. Eager and impatient. Tired of being stuck where I am. But, I can't get going until I am pointed in the right direction, otherwise I will get stuck again. It seems like it is intelligence, intellect that is growing that is making it easier to figure this out, that is clearing the way and increasing the processing ability and operation. Intellect helps me be wiser by navigating the terrain more effectively. I feel I still have a great deal to learn. That a great deal remains holding me up. It is complicated beyond my ability to deal with in a way that I can be as successful as I would like to be. I can learn very quickly, as I believe I am, and it still doesn't feel like enough. I don't think there is anything else I can do...Because non-attachment is a complicated thing, with many dimensions and degrees of operation. Many inter-dependent factors. Many things upon which wisdom is founded. I think I have a lot of room to become more intelligent. I think I have a lot of viewpoints that are incorrect and because of this are troublesome. I fear I am much more of a fool even then I realize. I am afraid of the trouble that will be cause by my remaining deep attachment to things. I hope that I will be able to walk a way of relatively calm waters soon. It really does seem to depend a great deal on how I use my intellect to improve my intellect through self-examination and scholarly study. I am afraid of how easy it is for my mind to be clouded by desire. I am afraid that I will not find a satisfactory way through this cloudedness. I am afraid that I won't want to. I am afraid there is no middle way. I don't want to be a Saint now. I also don't want to be a devil. I would like a clean path to travel from one to the other. From where I am to Saintliness. I really just want to be human, to be a normal human being. 

I think I have a lot of attitudes that need adjustment. So that I can tighten down the hatch and make this boat sea worthy. Running towards other solutions out of mad passion and fear is not going to work, it does not make sense. It makes more sense to be able to manage well what I have now, and then start looking for other, better options, if what I have is something I can manage well. Which I think it is, and I think that I can. If a better way starts opening up and I can pursue this wisely in tandem or in addition to what I have without become personally unsteady, then it makes sense to allow it to blossom. It seems like, almost certainly, that the way forward, a real healthy way forward, involves the tempering of this mad despair and fitful emotion and the emergence of a well developed reasoning. A tempered intelligence that is in control of this being, who can keep emotions and feelings in check, remaining level headed, grounded in practical sense that only comes from tried and tempered perspectives and attitudes. One that is skilled enough to successfully navigate the many dimensions of this world.

There is a lot that can go badly, yet there is also a lot that can go well. A lot of good that may be coming, that seems to be coming to meet me now. I am afraid, but there is a lot I can do that is good, that can strengthen my position. If I am wise enough and fortunate enough to see it. I will get upset again and the best thing I can do is to remember where and who I am. My aim now seems to be cultivating skillful action through developing my intellect and managing my desire. The development of general intelligence seems to be a direct result of properly restraining one's desires and emotions: The skillful mastery of desire and emotion produces more intelligent perspectives.  

Musings...

 Mountain of magic. This white back ground is killing me.  I am not sure if I can change it. Oh well. I wish I could write with the background of the actual blog. This is so plain and uninspiring. Ok, this is better now. I minimized the page and changed my desktop background. Still not the best, but better. Ocean good!! Strange week! Strange and interesting. Heavy programs churning mind like butter. Consciousness is a strange thing. What is the difference between despair and joy? Or between powerlessness and power? Why do some stand so long in powerlessness and others in power? What is the difference? True power. At the moment it appears that I don't understand this and what is happening to me. It has been very confusing. It has been so easy to fall into pits of the mind, and perhaps to fall out of them. With no apparent rhythm or design I am able to recognize. Just falling in and out, repetitiously. I don't understand why this is happening, or what it is. It seems like holding onto perceived patterns too tightly keeps me in this cycle of unsteady consciousness. It keeps me falling into unconsciousness. At this moment, I find anything that keeps me in this cycle undesirable. I don't think I have been able to see clearly enough to keep myself from regularly falling into pits of darkness. I don't think I have been able to do anything about it, but simply pass through it..It feels like my actions have continually put myself back into darkness, trapping me in a cycle of darkness. There hasn't been enough light within my being to lift myself out of this. -The next morning... I don't think I need to understand why this is happening, it just is. I don't think I need to understand anything about this, I'm not sure if in a way I ever will. Darkness makes you want to seize what you can not grab, for there is nothing there to grab, nothing to hold onto, the river merely passes by. A vision of us seizing in the darkness, is likewise a vision, without anyone seizing at all. The mirror is empty. Light born in darkness, darkness born in light. Light among Light. Sweetest of all wines. I think the heartless end of seizing is the birth of something real. For which real is seen among real, as real is all there is. The end of one road is the beginning of another. Seeing this, it is seen that this new beginning never begin at all, for it never ended. What was not sight was seeing all along. The sight has always been, pulling away at the soul. Breathing breath into the body of the world. A world without itself, merely a great Spirit and a great body. A living moment that is Soul. That which has always been. Singing sadness into a song of the most moving passion, to the greatest delight of all living beings, known or unknown to them. Singing beneath the shade of willow trees in the late Summer afternoon, while a long day's heat presses the mind to unrest. Unknown is the sweet singing. The sweet singing behind all the woes of the world. The singing is the water itself lapping against the dock in the stormy night. The water and the night which carry the deep cold and stillness of the Earth. There I found my Soul. I knew myself wonder mixed with unnameable bliss. There is no other moment than this one in the passing light of the Earth. The Earth moves me with such a stirring passion, it's long history of great feeling all contained and pressing out in this moment. A moment that in it's entirety is my life and feeling. The deep pressing mystery of my being, Light carrying me ever outwards and ever inwards. Singing a song that is the world. But here, I never want to leave. It is most precious. God has given it to me, above all else, as my own. It is my life, my most precious life. A life beyond life. Most precious Lord. Ceaseless savior of living beings. The highest lord above present in lake waters lapping against the dock in the night. Living light, bastion of the world. Many lords, living among men, toiling in the world, thinking of naught but themselves, will quickly come into their own and rule, outstanding most, with minds as high and sharp as jagged mountain peaks, Hearts that contain horizons, The great equalizers of our time, sensitive the pressing call of the Earth as it speaks in the mold and the body of each Man. A great many people of this light. Healers of life and land. Many lords and ladies in many countries, returning the law to the land. Healing the Earth with Wisdom and Divine Love. Spreading Love through Love. Wisdom through Wisdom. Light through Light. What great destiny awaits us. What praise and joy. What power we have to heal and to become whole. The land desires to sing and the people desire to sing with the land. In such a singing that is altogether wholesome and good. Such a light that shines through all changes, guiding, grounding, and upholding. A sturdiness that life can be built upon, that goodness can depend upon, a sturdiness to uphold the world and each one of us in it. Such a light is already here. It is within each of us and composes the very fabric of our being. It takes seeing it for the world to be full of it, the world that we know. It takes seeing it for it to come to others and for it to spread within humanity. The thing is, the light is already here, it is already shared amongst us, seeing it, we do not recognize it as it is. For we are not without, we are fulfilled, by the grace of God, forever and ever. This is fulfilledness. Such is the power and majesty of God. To create such a thing as this, it is beyond praise. His glory and power. Light among lights within light. Everything thing we have is a gift. Amen. Light amongst lights, everything given for the uplifting of everything else, hidden in plain sight, the greatest gift of all is free will. We are free to live our lives however we wish. Perhaps life itself and free will. Which go hand in hand. God's infinite mind, infinite being, and infinite nature are the most precious things in the universe. God's mind and His life are the life of all life, the source of all things. 

Life is empty of all things save His intelligence, which is supreme and unfathomable. This life alone is His mind, His being. This is God. Infinite being. Which is what Emptiness is, Supreme Being. Nothing else exists but this unfathomable emptiness. It simply is, I know it as Light and rejoice. We cannot be without the greatness of God. We cannot be without the Light of His being. It is his nature. He is supreme, and we are supreme in Him. His life is One end eternal. He is One and all. All things are One in Him. Supreme Lord of Being. Father. The Lord God, your land is blessed Father, you alone, Supreme One. We are supremely blessed in you, this supremely blessed kingdom. Of the highest peace and nature. Such are your ceaseless gifts to us. Turning to you, I regain myself. Endless, boundless you are, we dwell in a supremely blessed kingdom. We dwell in a supremely blessed kingdom, this is a supremely blessed kingdom. Blessed by your light and power, we awaken to your nature. Which is Supreme. You are the Supreme One. Your being stands alone, stretching far and wide, forever, endlessly stretching. You are the One, Supreme Lord. Your power and your nature. The Father has arrived. This is his infinite being. The bosom of his love. Supreme and endless bliss. Bliss upon bliss, forever, stretching forever. His nature, our nature, infinite supreme, undying bliss. This is Light, Being. He is here and I am One. I am Light, Being, Bliss, Infinite Bliss. This is Light, infinite being, and Bliss. Bliss eternal. Bliss, undying, unending bliss. Here I am, amongst all of this, as this, I AM. I AM. HERE I AM. 

Ahem

 Regardless of my present shortcomings, it seems that I have gained an incredible degree of intelligence over the past couple years. An intelligence still burgeoning. I feel brighter than before. I feel much smarter, even though by appearance much looks the same. I don't think it is. I think a lot is the same, but more is different. I feel different, I think, deeper within myself. I think happened and continues to happen as the surface forms continue to exist much as they have for the las ten years. I think I feel wiser, and perhaps, ready for more. Ready to continue, however this may play out. I have found it very difficult to judge how things are going because of the great disturbances I experience regularly and because of the depth and subtlety of the development I believe occurs within me. It often lies beyond my ability to consciously perceive. I trust in feelings rather than a steady conscious knowing because my movements often take me into deep pools of darkness. Additionally we are trained to see strength in such a superficial way which leads us to devalue the kinds of strength that matter the most. Thus, we devalue our own actions and quality of being. A society that highly values wisdom would not have this problem nearly as much. My self-esteem has suffered greatly due to my inability to succeed in ways that I have been taught to value and that I perceive that society values. When in truth, my efforts are worth far more esteem than most individuals merit, and my achievements are on a scale that most cannot fathom. While society cannot readily perceive what I have been doing, I can better value it and this will enrich my life. All of this being said, I have done much that I am not proud of, and have in several ways fallen from grace. For this, I believe I deserve the shame that I feel, and I feel it is healthy to feel this shame, so I can learn from my mistakes. I am not perfect and can improve in many ways. I think it is important to aim for such improvement. It is important also for me to mature where it is most needed, where I feel that I am most immature, and to continue to strive for a healthy balance. I should be forever mindful of becoming too proud and conceited, for which I will feel justified in behaving unethically. I have had to sacrifice much more than I would like to sustain the growth of my being, much I believe has not been avoidable. I feel that my immaturity is a result of the immaturity of the society I was raised in, in combination with some of my inherent character flaws largely not the cause of anything society did to me. As smart as I am, I am not yet smart enough to avoid major catastrophe's or to put myself on a path straight and narrow. I feel between the open arms of God and many pointed blades of death. But, things may not be as they seem, as I have said. I think perhaps for better than for worse. 

Clinging and attachment

 It is not wise to cling to things. It is wise to let go of clinging as a result of realization of the wisdom of non-attachment. Clinging does not bring about the results we desire. It cannot. It distorts our vision so that we see what does not exist. What we gain by it is not what we think it is, what merit we think it brings, truly brings darkness. It weakens us, rather than strengthening us. It is not a solution, it is a disease. Resulting from perspectives born from ignorance. It will consume us, deceived as we are by our own guile turned against ourself, for the sake of fulfilling desire. Giving into this temptation means ignoring sense, and allowing ourselves to be seduced by the opportunity to receive pleasure. Darkening the mind, our reason diminishes and we see the world in a half-light. All our decision making and prioritizing is skewed and we do not have a clear sense of what is right and wrong. So deeply embedded in ignorance and attachment, we do not see the light of day. The dharma is the single force that can bring us out of this darkness, into the light of reason. Everything else is fundamentally flawed and cannot be depended upon. No matter how good a thing may appear, if it is not Goodness itself, it is unwise to depend upon it. Seeing this wisdom clearly, one recognizes the insubstantiality of the form that we call this world. Regardless, nearly all of us are imperfect human beings. We succumb to delusion. God, and the dharma are merciful, ever open and ever aware of our shortcomings, Ever ready to receive us. They recognize that it may take much to free us from delusion and they are willing to both wait and work with us as we gradually awaken. We do not need to rashly abandon our way of life to pursue Christ. We may, yet I think it it perhaps more prudent to recognize the reality of our situation, the degree to which we see and that we don't and strike a middle way. I think it better to think of the long road and to first seek to come under the protection of God, so that our path may be blessed by His virtue. I think we should first seek security in Him so that we can safely and securely delve into the vast expanse of Illumination. I think what this means is temperance and a development of a relationship of Faith. Until we see that He alone is the way, we will not seek to live by Him and we will not succeed in our endeavors, nor pursue what truly brings fulfillment. Recognizing that He is the way, we recognize that all our shortcomings, however specifically they can be attributed to personal shortcomings, all result from a lack of Faith and observance of His will. We equally recognize that this world is not under the power of dark, cold, insensitive, or malicious forces, but under Him. When we feel a sense of lack, or of abuse, it is not due to any real trouble in the world, it is rather due to our lack of Faith, our dependence on Worldly things, rather than on Him. The world itself is a vast swath of lack. Although imaginary, it is imagined finitude. Which in no way can satisfy or guide the Soul. We will continue to experience lack as long as we continue to depend upon finite things of finite virtue and finite Wisdom. We turn away from God, because we imagine that he will take away what we love. I do not think this is the case. I think God wants to give us what we love, just in a way that frees us from suffering and delusion. I don't think he asks as much as we think. We just are so far away from Him in our hearts that we imagine he is like us: cold, insensitive, and distant. We are so lost that we have forgotten what Goodness looks like, we are afraid in believing it exists. Recognizing these truths, I think we can come to see that here in this moment, God is already giving us the best opportunity to take care of ourselves, it is not a lack of anything that keeps us from fulfillment, but a lack of seeing that God has already given us everything we need, especially created for us in this moment, right now. We are always looking away, if we could see what we really have, we would know that God loves us. He has never abandoned us, we have abandoned ourselves and God still holds us up. When I have clear enough judgment and enough strength, I can begin to see this truth. It presents a very different world from the one most of us see. Not a place of darkness and fear and trouble, constant anxiety, but a place that God has created for us to learn, not where we need to learn how to rule over others, but to perceive His will within Creation. Soul takes precedence over survival, survival is apart of the arena of the Soul, not the other way around. The real power here is the wonder of Light, God's mercy, and His mind blowing Wisdom and intelligence. The day to day struggle is the surface of the water, it's rules and laws are only skin deep, the power and way of Faith and of God, carry all of the potency and the Mastery. If we are struggling, look to Him. Look within, see what He says. This world can only provide so much, and all of this also comes from Him. To find security here on Earth, we must develop this relationship with God and with Faith, so that our insight into Him is firm. When we see His will clearly, we can walk this world in peace. 

This is not simply getting what we want, for what we want often isn't good for us. It is transforming who we are into a being who is in line with Universal Law and who lives in Light, rather than in darkness. Simply living to fulfill our desires will not really give us what we want, because what we want is so much more than impulsive lusting after things. Thinking this is what we want, we will spurn the Order of God, but here we are deceived. The only way to actually get what we want, is to participate in the Order of God. The other way is up and down, inconsistent, troubled, very unpleasant. It doesn't end anywhere or go anywhere, it stays where it is, down in the bowels of the Earth. We are Souls, much greater, we are a spectrum of consciousness, of needs, drives and desires. I think the only way to really get what we want is to go up! We don't just want the drudgery of sense pleasures, we want so much more! Yet these are apart of our being, I do not think we have to monkishly exclude them!!! Yay! But, we also won't succeed by fully giving ourselves over to their power. We have to strike a balance, at least for the time being!!! I think we really can have everything that we want, we just have to do it according to His Order!! Which includes the temperance of ourselves and Harmony with Him!!! Then we can open the doors, we can go to places!!! This is the Way!! For Merlin!!! We don't have to suffer one or the other. We can have peace through activity!! I can almost see the way. I tend to see things in extremes, it is rather silly. But I haven't been able to help myself!! There is far more room than I expected! Far more room to do a great deal of many things. I think it requires giving up giving into lust, giving up impulsive egoic desire. Really I do. But this does not mean we have to give up all carnal appetites, at least immediately. Thank God!!! I think it also means recognizing God's Will and Wisdom. A great wide open World! Here I am, stuck right in the middle of it! The World has arrived dear Mr. Bilbo! The Road stretches on before you, as it ever does. It is alive, active! 

It seems like the World plays its own fiddle, that is to say, it strums itself. It plays it's own feet down the road. We are merely in it walking, as it goes, whither it leads us..Lol. The Great Wide open World. Where it goes, I am going. So it is, so is the way. No use in fighting, the path is set before us. Blue and clear in the Heavens. No use clinging to anything. We can't take anything with us. We can't use anything we don't have. Just us and the road. Doing what you want doesn't work. What works is something else. What works is being intelligent, learning how things work, and refraining from using might to solve your problems. Merlin. Duh duh duh. I try and use power to overcome everything lol. When I am already so intellingent. I guess it worked well enough...Lol..not really, but I didn't know better...Power does not overwhelm everything. I am very excited to use my intelligence more. It seems like a good skill tree. Lol. It seems like it will actually work. It seems like my actions are limited by my intelligence. The more I am aware of, the more I can do. The more and the better I understand how things work, the easier it is to navigate them. Succumbing to impulsive desire is foolishness, it is turning off the lights. Being ruled by my emotions same thing. Use your head Samwise Gamgee! I am so used to letting my feelings flow and being ruled by them, so that I can understand them and my desires. Now it seems like to to snap out of the stupor and keep my head above water. It feels good. Like a breath of air after drowning. What can I achieve with this intelligence? To what ends can I go? To what ends shall I set myself? If not desire for the sake of desire then what? It seems like I can truly set my mind to anything, which is very exciting. Though it is most important, it seems, at this time, to maintain vigilance with respect to the great capacity of my desire to overwhelm my better judgment. To hold down the fort as the storm passes. It does appear that the storm is great and mighty, and that I am still far too susceptible to the lure of disastrous impulses. My head is not strong enough to carry such a burden. The weight of the swimming snakes would be far too overwhelming. Build the mind! Protect the self! My goodness, the threat is frightening..!.and still so insensitive  I am of this danger. So dull I am to many things. It seems wise also to build up the capacity of the body, so it may better bear the weight of the world. Much to do! So much the fool I have played! Better the fool that lives, than the one who is dead! Light in a dark place is better than no light at all! The flame still burns! It has passed through great peril! Yet here I am! Fishing in the dark! Progress it seems, much it seems, has been made, despite all shortcomings! Great works I sense whose roots are growing within. Patience, temperance, steadiness needed here. The fire is hot, the wood is dry! I must be steady for some time to pass through this. In truth I may not. I have not many times before. The fire has gone out, and has had to painfully be relit. The World turns again and again, and again. 

The Fire it burns
The World it turns
And Merlin strains to Stand

He looks afar
He looks in front
What has he in hand?

The meadow calls
Sun shining down
An errand on the way

To what end
Doth he go
Merrily, or crazed? 

 I have yet to see fully what great work I have yet here to achieve. I am ever eager of this prospect. Obsessed it seems with settling on it. Yet, much about this is learning how to relax. To not be so caught up with jumping on ahead, to be much more settled into the passing moment of the process, it seems that this is a necessary component of efficient processing, and something I have found it very difficult to do. As of late..I was much better at not hurrying up to much as a child. I instinctively knew that it lead to errors.  Though I probably only applied it to certain things in school. It seems that there is only so much one can do in the process in the moment. Nothing more can be done to hurry it up. Hurrying it up in this fashion slows it down. Get busy, but not too busy. A very good point of character development and of work ethic. It can lead to all sorts of good things. It makes it easier to stay on task. Cuz your not fighting with yourself to get the work done. Things are always changing...right and wrong with them...Only so much I can do now, and only so much good I can achieve. I guess what I want is to put myself to work. To fully employ myself, this is paralleled by a full range of like and appreciation, dream and heart fulfillment. Much as of late I have thought about using magic in this process, magic and the power of mind for manifestation. Too much it has been caught up in desire and the desire for power. Not enough in Harmony. It seems like processing is compulsive. It just mindlessly computes...whatever it has to compute. And this is the light that I live in. It seems like by computing, it shines brighter, and my intelligence grows. It seems like the more I process, the more I get to the heart of things, the greater power I have to process and the closer I am to fulfilling my goal, whatever it is. Weary I am of this at present tedious computation. The balance of my energies makes it so. My feelings are wearing on me. Feelings not met by the powers of my current system. Feelings that make me doubt the way, as well as cloud it. Yet, I think this is the way, and it time it probably will become much more clear that this is so. The intelligence will probably make my life easier, likely more grounded and steady. Which will likely make it more wholesome. I will find a way to use my deeper powers. Yet for the time being, I agree that it is best to wait. I must steer clear of being intoxicated by feeling, emotion, impulse, and desire as much as possible and keep myself established in the brightness of my mind. I am weary of so much in this world. Weary of not being able to keep up with it, and being dragged and beaten down by it. It clouds much of my judgment and impedes much of my activity. Much of this is do to not being able to process the information coming to me, the experiences I have been going through. I have been so backed up in so many ways, so many times. It seems like I am always fighting to keep up with processing the flow of life, both coming into me and that already exists within me. Now, it seems is the time that I may be able to catch up, by becoming bright enough. It seems like I have finally entered into the arena in which I can work on this directly.  

Change of the Seasons

Studying the Dharma as it blows into my mind on Fall winds, and seeps into my being with the heavy rains. Looking out I see people, things, moving. Thinking, talking, feeling, worrying. The sun shining in the sky. Time passing gently in the background. Who notices this? Caught up in ourselves, we forget that all of this is passing. It cannot be held forever, but comes briefly then vanishes. Nothing stays the same, nothing can be forced to remain the same. The power over this life is not our own, nor does it cling to things. Clinging to things as sentient beings, it remains empty of attachment, as impassive as the natural world. We exist in this world, yet this world is empty of self. And selfishness is suffering. Peace is not personal victory, but awakening into Emptiness which is beyond self. We are not free to fully dispose ourselves to eliminate suffering when we cling to our individual egos and let them dominate our existence. Dominion by the self paralyzes the movement of consciousness towards liberated perspective. Ignorance of the reality of Peace and the way to peace lead us on countless paths of endless egoic striving. Which is striving born out of attachment. When we realize the truth of the way to Peace we drop this striving like a weary soldier drops his sword and abandons the field of battle. Ignorance of this truth is an ignorance that is belief in the wisdom of the self or of selfishness. This is the same as the dominating view of a heart being that conditioned forms are real, and that we as and individual are one of them and can live forever as one of them. So attached are we to this narrative that we endure all kinds of suffering to bring about the Supreme Victory of this illusory being. How can any conditioned form have Supreme Victory? As it exists, it exists in perpetual conflict with the imagined multitude of other conditioned forms. For it to exist, a universe of opposing forces and competing wills must exist. It is the belief in the Reality of one's own separate existence. Separate from what? Something else that is separate from it. Something it can never be, for it is it's own self and divided from the world. It's own selfishness will keep it from understanding the Other, from being interested in doing so, so it will forever be ignorant of the nature of the Other and the true relationship between the Other and itself. In it's pride it will believe in it's own superior ability to dominate the Other. This blinds it and it advances blindly and foolishly. It does not recognize that the Other has just as much power as itself, and that in seeking to dominate, it gives the Other the same power to dominate it. For it does not recognize that the Other is itself, and the each are empty of self, and are truly Empty. In the darkness of it's own awareness it experiences the world as other and a boundary between it's feelings and those of the world. It does not see that it's heart has no boundary and is rather living itself than any particular living entity. It is apart of the World which is alive and it's mind and will are one with this World. It's feelings of selfishness are the worlds feelings of selfishness, when it dominates the World, it is ignorant that it is also dominating itself, its own feeling, and is creating misery and disease within itself, it's own mind, flesh and feeling. For it's feeling, which contains both mind and flesh, are One with the feeling that is the mind and flesh of the living world. The world is alive and is more like one living thing with many centers of feeling and consciousness than a collective of disparate organisms with competing wills. Many organisms do not realize they are apart of this expansive feeling, yet it exists there nonetheless. Home is where the heart is, and this home is the wide open world. Frodo Baggins is highly sensitive to this living field, which is why he is the ring bearer of the One ring, which is a perversion of this feeling into a belief that something so precious as the living, feeling world, could be contained in one object by one individual will. Frodo's  great sensitivity of this feeling allows him to master his own selfish impulses to the extraordinary extent necessary to deliver the ring to it's own undoing. Thus the worth of the Shire and all it's green abundance, is truly the abundance of this sensitivity to feeling that Frodo has. I think the Hobbit's at heart are Green Communitarians, which gives rise to their surprising sturdiness and capability. Not just in thought, but in heart, which is both much more powerful and much more difficult to achieve. It makes them greater than perhaps even elves. I don't think the hobbits harbor any serious hatred for anyone. They wouldn't want it, if they could avoid it. I think the power of Tolkien's world come from the accuracy from which his narrative accurately reflects the living centers of drive and consciousness within living being and the dynamics of the interplay between individuals and different groups of beings as they overlap in the world. In this reflection, he captures the genuine picture of people and societies that have risen and strive to rise above selfish impulses. The heart of his book, I think, is the wholesomeness represented by Hobbits and their way of life that is this feeling in it's healthiest state, that to me, feels superior than any other feeling or community present in Middle Earth in it's inherent Goodness. This sentiment is shared by many characters and communities throughout Middle Earth, this awareness of the greater living feeling of the World. Gandalf loves the Shire, and Aragorn and the Dunedein protect it, because it is an embodiment of the One living life that is the World and is of the World. The Elves seek most to expand the Order of and behind the World, Gandalf to protect it, Men are greatly driven to Order, yet also to impulsive selfishness, as is their and Isuldor's Bane. The Dwarves love Order, yet for their own designs, and also succumb to wickedness, yet perhaps less than Men. Sauron is obviously the perversion of the merit of Order and the ignorance of the reality and wisdom of the One living feeling of the World and of the Law and Order that protect it. 

Seemingly against all odds, goodness prevails over evil, perversion and malice. By all appearances the most weak, defeat the most Mighty. It takes a Wizard to know the difference, between true power, true ability, and the apparent power and ability of the Mighty that ultimately comes to nothing. The Lord of the Rings are born from an English soldier facing the Abyss of Evil as it threatens the Order of his World and the balance of life that sustains it. He writes of the dynamics of Power as well as the wisdom that it takes to both see what is good and to walk down the Road that is in line with it. Hobbits it seems, most love their comforts and their good life, but are least attached to them, willing to give it all up to do what is right and just, both because it is Good and because they are wise and see the Way clearly knowing what can, and what can't be avoided. Beyond the appearances of the World lies the Way or the Road as Tolkien puts it, and beyond the Road at it's very core is Emptiness and it's Wisdom of Non-attachment, the greatest light of them all. 

gator rade!!

 Rock n' roll'n down the street. Is this shining the light of intelligence? Shining the light to see what is here.? I am not sure how to describe how I like it. It may be refreshing. Like stepping out of your own shoes. Out of your own skin. Into perhaps, a brighter world. The same world, with more light in the sky. What I like about it, is that I can sit here and this can happen. Just turning up the brightness. Ah yes, this is what this is...This is how this works..It just feels so good. It just feels good inside. So nice. So crisp. So clean. Taco Bell...lol Those bastards! Ha, I just had some really cool thoughts about the Universalized conformist blue drive. It is a will in itself towards order, which makes sense if you think about it, because order is what Reason gives, somehow....I was imaging an order of Will and intelligence beyond my thought, which now newly awakened to the capability of having a will centered upon creating order in the universe can only imagine the possibility of having a will truly centered on Reason. Pure reason. This makes me wonder if when I left school I was not departing a will centered on Tribal consciousness, rather than a will centered on conformist consciousness...yet I think that latter is true. I think I lamented leaving behind the joy of participating in society for the thrill and freedom of radically pursuing my own interests, and Reason above what society deems as reasonable and practical. What I don't understand is how this development relates to this current development of will that I speak of..? It feels like I am uprooting and dissolving the lower stages of consciousness and deeply unraveling them as I go along my way...unlocking their secrets and mastering their content. It feels like in school I was held back by conformist codes, until I gained the heart perhaps to move beyond them. Perhaps there are other fundamental ways of interacting with these dimensions that I am unaware of. Wake up, grow up, clean up, show up...It feels like I am awake by far the most, delving somewhat into the realms of the Absolute. My heart may be at Green sensitive communitarian, and perhaps I am cleaned up to Blue conformist..? It feels like I am showing up on this level to. Like this is the way that I interact with others and the center of gravity where I feel healthiest and most like myself. My life feels very much here, but, it is very important to note the kind of comformist that I am. I conform with Order, not with American society as diverse as it is. Order contains the order that is the established ways of American society, but so much more than this. It is the Order, the Universal Order, all of the programs and their Harmony that I am conforming to. This is why I called it the Universalized conformist blue drive. For it is conformist, and it is blue, yet awakened to the the fullest extent it can reach. I don't fully understand this, this is what I perceive and what I experience. I progress by instinct, and intuition, filling in as much blank space with my limited intellect. Attempting to create a complete picture and understanding of this sprawling universal body and the way in which human beings awaken and evolve, grow and develop on it, which I find perhaps to be the most fascinating of all subjects. God alone may surpass this, yet this is God, at least my development and mind on it. It feels like what I am doing is shining the light of Wisdom, or rather pouring the light of Wisdom, into my being, or being, and illuminating the scope of my being from the lowest to the highest. This may have begun when I left school and the dharma set me on my path after taking me off another. It said to leave behind all that you know and build from the ground up, letting go of conditioned consciousness, for true authentic drive and being. I first fell into darkness...then things got messy, and more, and more messy...until now I find myself here today. It seems now that the light has reached Ego impulse drive, filled it up, spilled over into Conformist blue where it is now properly establishing itself. This is why this whole maneuvering sounds like cleaning up. I think it is cleaning up, but it is also perfecting and mastering I believe. Fulfilling as well. It seems like the scope of these dimensions extends to the extent that I can be humanly awake, which may end at Christ as a Universal body and being. Here, Order is so heavenly beautiful. Order is Celestial. It is Beauty and Harmony, perhaps Ideal, yet an Ideal that may be realized and perhaps become incarnate. I didn't realize it was possible to express oneself with such purity. To will and create in such a way, so free from the heavy grossness that one expects to endure for much of their humanity. 

Everything that is wrong with me...:(

 It seems like what I am attempting to do, is to secure myself in meaning. A continual stream of meaningful moments. I feel like right now I am buried deeply in hard feelings. I am not sure if this compromises my ability to see what is real. Nor am I sure if anything is real. I feel that as of late I have been frequenting a place of absent mindedness. It is not wholly good or bad. More in between. I don't feel super bad, but I don't feel good necessarily...I can't quite tell how I feel...Huh...? I am not sure if I want to be in this space, or if it good to be here. I am not sure now if it is good to be anywhere in particular, or if anything is good in particular. It seems like goodness has nothing to do with things. Or with anything that is happening. It doesn't seem like any of these things are real, yet I find myself here often yearning for my life to be certain ways. I have mixed feelings about these yearnings. I often feel at a loss as of how to cope with them and the profound emptiness of simply being here now. I often don't know how I feel about them and wonder if I am missing out. On living my life. I would like to find a steady pace to go at, for my life to be well organized an easy. I think often or want often to be able to control this pace and life, and I am often conflicted about what this control is, or looks like, and if it is something worth pursuing. I think what I am feeling now, is the place between sleeping and waking when you are falling asleep. Dim awareness, yet nothing coherent, not that it is incoherent. I think I overanalyze a lot of things, I look into them to much, giving them too much significance, and in doing so lose sight of coherent meaning, getting kind of lost. I probably give other things much less meaning than they deserve, and end of suffering because of that...We all do these things, under and over valueing things, but I have a long history of reaping the fiery consequences of such activity, so it is particularly significant to me. I think this is apart of my general foolishness that has afflicted me like a plague. A disease that causes great distress to my generation. And I think what is related to this, is that it is difficult for me to stay focused on what is important. I get sidetracked. I think if I could better assign appropriate values to things, then it would be easier to focus on what is more or most important. I think I spend a hellofa lot of time on things that aren't important or helpful. When I am writing, I start a really meaningful train of thought and then lose it when I veer away to other things. It seems like that loss of momentum is a loss of significance, which I sense I depend upon to survive and thrive. I think if you stay focused you can build up to deeper more impactful insight. It seems like the way my mind works is why I lose focus. It jumps around and gets really excited about ideas, or fades into dullness..It is difficult to stay focused when I sleep as well as I do. It feels like my mind is full of corrupted data. 

I think another thing that causes problems is my expectations which don't often match up with reality. My imagination and reality. I don't think they do. This doesn't mean that they can't. I don't think I see things always exactly how they work, but rather as how I wish they were to work. I think I have much more to learn about how things work. It seemed like if I didn't work the way I liked, I would just make it work the way I wanted. Rather than making it work the way it wanted to work. I would force it, against it's nature. Rather than learning how things work and going with that flow, I bent things to my own will. I wasn't interested enough in the natural way in which things work, I was interested in what I wanted. One cannot fully bend the will of other things to their own. Also, in forcing something to go against its own will, you create resistance against your own will. You can't actually succeed in what you aim to do. If what you want is to have a steady and dependable supply of energy and power. To establish peace, tranquility, and sound reasoning that you may depend upon. Interest in understanding is based on desire. I think you learn how to force things to work, not how they actually work, and not what they actually are, so you don't really know how they work, only how to manipulate them. The problem with desire is that it blinds you. From reason and sense. Attachment leads to irrationality, and then trouble. When we are attached to something, we are attached to how something is and how we are with it. The quality of attachment is itself irrational. It is clinging to something passionately. When what we are attached to is compromised, we become emotional, and this emotion overrides our reason, and we become unwise. We react emotionally rather than with a level head. To be compromised by emotion, is to lose sight of the bigger picture, the way things are, what is best, what is truly good. We are compromised because we are afraid of losing what we are attached to. This fear overrides our better judgement. Attachment in itself is fear of losing something, attachment itself is compromising of our judgment, even if that thing is not in present threat of being harmed. When it is in danger of being harmed, our bias is heightened. Any attachment compromises our reason. Desire and the pursuit of fulfilling desires for the sake of experiencing the fruit of the desire is attachment to how things are. When we are driven by desire, we are attached to whatever it is that we desire. Our reason is compromised by that attachment. If we weren't attached to things, we wouldn't desire them. This path of being driven by desire is a path of being bound in passion. To be wise, we must let go of attachment so that we can see clearly. So that our judgment is not compromised and we can make wise choices. 

I am so used to always trying to manipulate everything. I find it difficult often to stop this behavior. My will is so bent to dominate! Lol. I'm like Sauron going to rehab. What I kind of feel is flow instead of force, or just flow. Letting things flow, kind a however they are. ? huh. Like let things flow, let them get clean. It will turn out eventually. and just kinda..fuck it. Shit happens, I can't stop it all and it's not all my fault. Not everything is gonna be great, but I will probably get there because I'm a nut! Nuuuut!Nuuuut!

I am so attached to things being a certain way, and it really doesn't seem like it matters. So worried about how things are. Oh well! you know? This shit is just HAPPENING. Dog. Like Dog meet dog, dog? Right? Yea.