It seems like what I am attempting to do, is to secure myself in meaning. A continual stream of meaningful moments. I feel like right now I am buried deeply in hard feelings. I am not sure if this compromises my ability to see what is real. Nor am I sure if anything is real. I feel that as of late I have been frequenting a place of absent mindedness. It is not wholly good or bad. More in between. I don't feel super bad, but I don't feel good necessarily...I can't quite tell how I feel...Huh...? I am not sure if I want to be in this space, or if it good to be here. I am not sure now if it is good to be anywhere in particular, or if anything is good in particular. It seems like goodness has nothing to do with things. Or with anything that is happening. It doesn't seem like any of these things are real, yet I find myself here often yearning for my life to be certain ways. I have mixed feelings about these yearnings. I often feel at a loss as of how to cope with them and the profound emptiness of simply being here now. I often don't know how I feel about them and wonder if I am missing out. On living my life. I would like to find a steady pace to go at, for my life to be well organized an easy. I think often or want often to be able to control this pace and life, and I am often conflicted about what this control is, or looks like, and if it is something worth pursuing. I think what I am feeling now, is the place between sleeping and waking when you are falling asleep. Dim awareness, yet nothing coherent, not that it is incoherent. I think I overanalyze a lot of things, I look into them to much, giving them too much significance, and in doing so lose sight of coherent meaning, getting kind of lost. I probably give other things much less meaning than they deserve, and end of suffering because of that...We all do these things, under and over valueing things, but I have a long history of reaping the fiery consequences of such activity, so it is particularly significant to me. I think this is apart of my general foolishness that has afflicted me like a plague. A disease that causes great distress to my generation. And I think what is related to this, is that it is difficult for me to stay focused on what is important. I get sidetracked. I think if I could better assign appropriate values to things, then it would be easier to focus on what is more or most important. I think I spend a hellofa lot of time on things that aren't important or helpful. When I am writing, I start a really meaningful train of thought and then lose it when I veer away to other things. It seems like that loss of momentum is a loss of significance, which I sense I depend upon to survive and thrive. I think if you stay focused you can build up to deeper more impactful insight. It seems like the way my mind works is why I lose focus. It jumps around and gets really excited about ideas, or fades into dullness..It is difficult to stay focused when I sleep as well as I do. It feels like my mind is full of corrupted data.
I think another thing that causes problems is my expectations which don't often match up with reality. My imagination and reality. I don't think they do. This doesn't mean that they can't. I don't think I see things always exactly how they work, but rather as how I wish they were to work. I think I have much more to learn about how things work. It seemed like if I didn't work the way I liked, I would just make it work the way I wanted. Rather than making it work the way it wanted to work. I would force it, against it's nature. Rather than learning how things work and going with that flow, I bent things to my own will. I wasn't interested enough in the natural way in which things work, I was interested in what I wanted. One cannot fully bend the will of other things to their own. Also, in forcing something to go against its own will, you create resistance against your own will. You can't actually succeed in what you aim to do. If what you want is to have a steady and dependable supply of energy and power. To establish peace, tranquility, and sound reasoning that you may depend upon. Interest in understanding is based on desire. I think you learn how to force things to work, not how they actually work, and not what they actually are, so you don't really know how they work, only how to manipulate them. The problem with desire is that it blinds you. From reason and sense. Attachment leads to irrationality, and then trouble. When we are attached to something, we are attached to how something is and how we are with it. The quality of attachment is itself irrational. It is clinging to something passionately. When what we are attached to is compromised, we become emotional, and this emotion overrides our reason, and we become unwise. We react emotionally rather than with a level head. To be compromised by emotion, is to lose sight of the bigger picture, the way things are, what is best, what is truly good. We are compromised because we are afraid of losing what we are attached to. This fear overrides our better judgement. Attachment in itself is fear of losing something, attachment itself is compromising of our judgment, even if that thing is not in present threat of being harmed. When it is in danger of being harmed, our bias is heightened. Any attachment compromises our reason. Desire and the pursuit of fulfilling desires for the sake of experiencing the fruit of the desire is attachment to how things are. When we are driven by desire, we are attached to whatever it is that we desire. Our reason is compromised by that attachment. If we weren't attached to things, we wouldn't desire them. This path of being driven by desire is a path of being bound in passion. To be wise, we must let go of attachment so that we can see clearly. So that our judgment is not compromised and we can make wise choices.
I am so used to always trying to manipulate everything. I find it difficult often to stop this behavior. My will is so bent to dominate! Lol. I'm like Sauron going to rehab. What I kind of feel is flow instead of force, or just flow. Letting things flow, kind a however they are. ? huh. Like let things flow, let them get clean. It will turn out eventually. and just kinda..fuck it. Shit happens, I can't stop it all and it's not all my fault. Not everything is gonna be great, but I will probably get there because I'm a nut! Nuuuut!Nuuuut!
I am so attached to things being a certain way, and it really doesn't seem like it matters. So worried about how things are. Oh well! you know? This shit is just HAPPENING. Dog. Like Dog meet dog, dog? Right? Yea.
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