Ahem

 Regardless of my present shortcomings, it seems that I have gained an incredible degree of intelligence over the past couple years. An intelligence still burgeoning. I feel brighter than before. I feel much smarter, even though by appearance much looks the same. I don't think it is. I think a lot is the same, but more is different. I feel different, I think, deeper within myself. I think happened and continues to happen as the surface forms continue to exist much as they have for the las ten years. I think I feel wiser, and perhaps, ready for more. Ready to continue, however this may play out. I have found it very difficult to judge how things are going because of the great disturbances I experience regularly and because of the depth and subtlety of the development I believe occurs within me. It often lies beyond my ability to consciously perceive. I trust in feelings rather than a steady conscious knowing because my movements often take me into deep pools of darkness. Additionally we are trained to see strength in such a superficial way which leads us to devalue the kinds of strength that matter the most. Thus, we devalue our own actions and quality of being. A society that highly values wisdom would not have this problem nearly as much. My self-esteem has suffered greatly due to my inability to succeed in ways that I have been taught to value and that I perceive that society values. When in truth, my efforts are worth far more esteem than most individuals merit, and my achievements are on a scale that most cannot fathom. While society cannot readily perceive what I have been doing, I can better value it and this will enrich my life. All of this being said, I have done much that I am not proud of, and have in several ways fallen from grace. For this, I believe I deserve the shame that I feel, and I feel it is healthy to feel this shame, so I can learn from my mistakes. I am not perfect and can improve in many ways. I think it is important to aim for such improvement. It is important also for me to mature where it is most needed, where I feel that I am most immature, and to continue to strive for a healthy balance. I should be forever mindful of becoming too proud and conceited, for which I will feel justified in behaving unethically. I have had to sacrifice much more than I would like to sustain the growth of my being, much I believe has not been avoidable. I feel that my immaturity is a result of the immaturity of the society I was raised in, in combination with some of my inherent character flaws largely not the cause of anything society did to me. As smart as I am, I am not yet smart enough to avoid major catastrophe's or to put myself on a path straight and narrow. I feel between the open arms of God and many pointed blades of death. But, things may not be as they seem, as I have said. I think perhaps for better than for worse.