The way

 I think I know now that forcing it is not good, that it won't work. I have to find something that is light and that works. Bending to my own will is not the way. I think it is hard for me to accept this and to adapt. Especially when I see that I have the power to do what I want with it. It is hard for me to stay open. While it doesn't seem that there is any other way that works. I think the universe may be more open to my disposition that I think. The thing is, I get an idea that I like, and then I seize upon it much to tightly and become lost. This is not the direction I want to go. I get upset because I think I can't have what I want or like, that I have to give it all up, when I really think what I am giving up is attachment to it, giving up that attitude and way of being. This I think may be most important. And perhaps has been the most difficult for me to maintain. I have succumbed easily to temptation in the past, and I distrust Christ and this wisdom. Turning to darkness instead for personal gain. I don't think there is really any other way that works, and I think the way of light is almost definitely the most fulfilling way. We distrust it in our ignorance. In our fear of losing out. There is a way in Christ, perhaps many ways. Stay light, stay open, and a path will come to you. Non-attachment. It seems like the mind may have to grow stronger so that it can focus more readily. It seems like now when I try to use it, it almost instant breaks down into egoic striving and is useless. In a sense building up the power of non-attachment. Otherwise any effort seems futile. This seems to be the way. Not anything else, as much as I may want it. It almost sounds nice because it frees me from the pains of desire and attachment. Of having to be a certain way. Desire and attachment seem like wisdom, but they are not. The body does not want to accept this. It wants what it wants right now. It is really easy for me to get caught up in what I want, and lose sight of this. To get caught up in desire. That personal power is a distraction. It is lust for desire. Lust for power. Really losing sight of what is real. Losing sight of the way. I am not sure I know what a balance looks like. Between the two. Because it seems like I can only do so much of one right now. It feels like I am stuck between the two. And I want to go more towards one, but I don't think I will be giving up the other. At least altogether. I don't think I need to. I don't think that is my destiny. I think I just need to do enough, to strike the right balance between the two and this will move me in the right direction. I don't know what that is yet, I think I may be getting closer to figuring it out. I am eager to do so. Eager and impatient. Tired of being stuck where I am. But, I can't get going until I am pointed in the right direction, otherwise I will get stuck again. It seems like it is intelligence, intellect that is growing that is making it easier to figure this out, that is clearing the way and increasing the processing ability and operation. Intellect helps me be wiser by navigating the terrain more effectively. I feel I still have a great deal to learn. That a great deal remains holding me up. It is complicated beyond my ability to deal with in a way that I can be as successful as I would like to be. I can learn very quickly, as I believe I am, and it still doesn't feel like enough. I don't think there is anything else I can do...Because non-attachment is a complicated thing, with many dimensions and degrees of operation. Many inter-dependent factors. Many things upon which wisdom is founded. I think I have a lot of room to become more intelligent. I think I have a lot of viewpoints that are incorrect and because of this are troublesome. I fear I am much more of a fool even then I realize. I am afraid of the trouble that will be cause by my remaining deep attachment to things. I hope that I will be able to walk a way of relatively calm waters soon. It really does seem to depend a great deal on how I use my intellect to improve my intellect through self-examination and scholarly study. I am afraid of how easy it is for my mind to be clouded by desire. I am afraid that I will not find a satisfactory way through this cloudedness. I am afraid that I won't want to. I am afraid there is no middle way. I don't want to be a Saint now. I also don't want to be a devil. I would like a clean path to travel from one to the other. From where I am to Saintliness. I really just want to be human, to be a normal human being. 

I think I have a lot of attitudes that need adjustment. So that I can tighten down the hatch and make this boat sea worthy. Running towards other solutions out of mad passion and fear is not going to work, it does not make sense. It makes more sense to be able to manage well what I have now, and then start looking for other, better options, if what I have is something I can manage well. Which I think it is, and I think that I can. If a better way starts opening up and I can pursue this wisely in tandem or in addition to what I have without become personally unsteady, then it makes sense to allow it to blossom. It seems like, almost certainly, that the way forward, a real healthy way forward, involves the tempering of this mad despair and fitful emotion and the emergence of a well developed reasoning. A tempered intelligence that is in control of this being, who can keep emotions and feelings in check, remaining level headed, grounded in practical sense that only comes from tried and tempered perspectives and attitudes. One that is skilled enough to successfully navigate the many dimensions of this world.

There is a lot that can go badly, yet there is also a lot that can go well. A lot of good that may be coming, that seems to be coming to meet me now. I am afraid, but there is a lot I can do that is good, that can strengthen my position. If I am wise enough and fortunate enough to see it. I will get upset again and the best thing I can do is to remember where and who I am. My aim now seems to be cultivating skillful action through developing my intellect and managing my desire. The development of general intelligence seems to be a direct result of properly restraining one's desires and emotions: The skillful mastery of desire and emotion produces more intelligent perspectives.