Journal Entry #2 The Way to Peace

Building integrity: Last night I had several insights, I believe as I lie before sleep. They concerned the material, K'un, from the I'ching reading I read earlier that evening. I saw how inspiration comes from within. I saw how strongly and deeply I wish to live in harmony with the Heavens. Also how acting in tandem with divine inspiration is the key to my happiness. I calm the body and then I calm the mind so that I can release the heart, my soul, to God and truth through the third-eye. Connecting to heaven, God and Spirit I can wholly express myself finding joy in my own being and intuit what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. This is where my heart wishes to be. I suffer when I do not see the Unity of heaven and Earth: when I am not inspired by the Spirit of God. This may be the Kingdom of Heaven. This is the position I desire to act from and the harmony I seek. Living here I can be at peace and know my purpose.

Journal Entry#1- Walking the Path

What to do with what you have.
I might not make it through this. At least the way I wish to. Do I really know if I will succeed?
I am optimistic and often full of hope, but am I really sure that I will succeed?
I know that there is much turbulence and chaos in my being.
Perhaps I am gambling with more than I know and my sense of security is not what it appears to be.
There really is a high degree of insecurity in my life. It is only balanced by my great vision and deep positive inspiration.

I've been rushing so much and it has felt largely uncontrollable. Action pops out of my mind before "healthy" consciousness can discern and reapply the energies in harmony. I do feel disconnected from myself and I have for a very long time. Often when I speak it does not feel like myself who is speaking. I don't know who I am anymore. I have so many questions concerning who I am that I find it hard to know where to begin to be myself. I think I become afraid and then lost in all the questions I have. I become overwhelmed by my feelings, then scared, then numb and silent as I shut off to the world living in darkness. Then I despair when I feel heartache at my unfulfilledness and perceived inability. Which makes me furious and wild and mad.

I think what I want most is to be myself and to be grounded in Earth and open to Heaven. I perceive a great deal of chaotic energy and form within my body and mind, and I sense it's release into greater and greater harmony. I also sense my own sense deepening and unifying, though there is still considerable imbalance. I feel it is important to be as mindful as I can of my feelings and thoughts as to bring myself back to center when possible when I sense these thoughts and feelings are disconnected from truth. Also to be mindful of my energies and awakening being as to fully utilize and integrate my power and self. To be here exactly as I am.

I don't have complete control over myself and I often fall into darkness. The possibility of reaching my goals is exciting, yet I know I must be mindful of my excitment and do my best to not be carried away. I think it is here that I truly want to be. Here where everything makes sense. I feel that the more I can be here, the easier it will be to be here. I cannot be overly afraid of darkness and I cannot be overly excited about truth. I rush to this and I rush to that, though I am learning to slow down. This is the most exciting part. It is what I have been yearning for for perhaps more than a decade. I think there will come a time when I will be able to presently clearly step away from rushing and have it leave my bones. This doesn't feel like it is now. I still have some time to walk in uncertainty, frustration and semi-darkness. I awaken at the back of the tiger on its tail, looking for the orange fire to ground my spirit on Earth.

Maybe I don't need to mystify this. Maybe its simple. I do feel fantasy. Can I be objective? Will it help me?

I try to make this epic journey throughout life and I feel blind. I think I am not seeing a lot that passes right in front of my eyes. It feels good to be aware of this blind spot. I can enjoy what I am missing out on. Maybe its Earthly life. Maybe its things as they are. Again being overly concerned of my fantastical nature will only blind me as it is also deluded. That spaz happy Aquarian will is apart of who I am and I actually really enjoy it. I do want to be mindful of it and not let it carry me to far away. The key is balance and a working integration of the parts of my consciousness. To be mindful of what's going on in and outside of me and do the best I can to be safe and wise. To be present and centered as I pass between the nodes of my being and discover deeper unity of myself.

Slow down. Be mindful of this process. Be mindful of what I am doing. I am centered? Is this a healthy direction. Be mindful of the path as it is being created in front of me by being mindful of what I am creating in this moment. Create a path that is true to me and true to the world.

Do I need to be doing this now? Is this a good plan or idea? Is this safe? Can I slow down more? Do I see the way to go. What is heaven telling me? Be connected to heaven as much as I can. Listen to the plan come down from the Gods.

Learn how to be safe. Learn how to be true. This is all I can do and all I wish to do

Aight. Peace

When your weary

Catch 22 life for days. What do you do?
No sleep. Tough luck
Can't begin to walk towards where you want to go?

What do you do?

Well. Maybe you can't change your life for the better. Maybe you can.

When I do sleep well I feel like shit and I really don't want to. When I chronically can't make the progress I want towards my goals year after year, I get pissed off. Really pissed off. So pissed off you feel violent, you become violent inside. And your so torn up that you can't let it out. So it just builds up year after year. The energy you can't get out drives you mad and your mind splinters off in uncontrollable ways. You lose a lot of control over yourself. Over your life. You can't express who you are personally, fit in socially, or feel or be steady.

When this happens to me, as it has been happening through the last 6 years you do suffer a lot. There's no avoiding that. Fortunately for me, and probably the main reason this happened to me, I have been undergoing a deep waking up process that has not been totally hindered by the imbalance of my sleeping. So when I can't move forward personally in human society, I continue to open up to my deeper nature and to truth. If you can't succeed personally you can instead continue asking how and why is this happening. If you possess a strong truth sense, you can delve deep into the openness of the self, into the impersonality of what seems to be an all encompassing personal experience. But, I don't think anything is given. I don't think there's a set way to do anything. I think you just get what you get. Maybe you get lucky, maybe you don't.

Today I was thinking. What makes us so sure that we will be saved? What makes us so sure that there's a heaven. Even if we can be saved by subtle energies, today I felt that these energies may simply be additional aspects of uncontrollable and perhaps unknowable raw and wild nature. We wish to be free of suffering, what if we can't? What if we can't change what's happening to us. What if it isn't really bad. It just hurts and this is apart of life as we know it. What if life is terrible and hard.

I think he is wiser who doesn't flee from the hard things that he who tries to rise above them. I think a lot of our attempts to purify ourselves are fantastical. Perhaps we can purify ourselves, but can we do it in this moment? Are we missing out on the full spectrum of life with our airy idealism. You can only get to the white shores if you take yourself there from where you are. Even then I think it nearly always with embroidery of chaos, survival, and Earthly life. I find real fulfillment when I embrace all of my life. My wholeness includes my weaknesses and shortcomings. My joy is built on my frailty and ignorance. Most of us aren't saints or gods. I don't think it's are place to expect that from ourselves now. I think the most satisfying thing we can do is to have a realistic sense of what we can do and what we are capable of now and have the heart to embrace the life we are given as it is right now. To be with what is now.

This even is beyond most of us...Pretty funny.
Welcome to life

Thoughts of the day #2

How do you deal with feelings that are regularly overwhelming? How do you deal with aspects of life that continually make you afraid? Do you have to slowly work your way out of these feelings by changing your environment, or can you change your outlook to solve your problems?

We often experience the same psychosomatic conditions in the same situations on a regular basis. We may feel stuck experience the same traumatic stress and feel like there's no way out. We feel like and believe that we don't have the strength to find a better job or a better whatever. We are fatigued enough and not threatened enough that we settle with the mundane and unfulfilling. How do you actually get out of the rut? I'm starting to wonder about and experiment with the process of radically changing my speech and thought to reflect the experience that I want to be living rather than the experience I am having. I know thoughts are heavily tied to the psychosomatic conditions we experience, so why keep on thinking and speaking out of harmony with what you truly desire.

Feeling and thoughts are interchangeable. They are different aspects of the same thing. Thoughts having a feeling and feelings can be summed up in thoughts. Speech is simply vocalizing feelings and thoughts. They are all the same thing. Aggregated data concerning your experience of life. They are simply relayed in different formats. Feelings are more intuitive, Thoughts concrete, and speech more interpersonal. Most of us aren't telepathic yet.

So your afraid. The thought, "I am afraid" or , "This is scary" may heighten the fear. It may just acknowledge it. Either way your thoughts are maintaining and perpetuating a fear relationship. What if instead when you first recognize the fear, you instead face it and tell yourself, I enjoy this. This is fun. The degree to which you believe yourself is the degree to which your psychosomatic condition changes. I think you could do this and seriously get into trouble if your overstepping your ability to master yourself with the alternative declaration. I don't suggest doing it in a truly dangerous situation in which you are ill equipped and ill trained. Rather experiment in lower key situations. Like when your chilling at your house and you notice you are having a negative reaction to something mundane. See if you can change your psychosomatic response just by changing your thoughts and speech concerning the subject.

I think you can use your intuition, imagination, willpower and vision to redirect any psychosomatic experience or reaction to any other experience or reaction. I think this is a practice and takes time to develop. But I do think it is a legitimate way to change your life. A way that I think may work best in tandem with other methods such as; diet, exercise, changing your environment, learning, therapy, whatever...

I am an Aquarius sun sign with a great deal of inner joy that always seems to be there even in the shittiest of situations. I don't always enjoy it, but I think I can draw from it even when I feel shitty to change my mood. This last week I have been tired and upset and I just spontaneously said, "I feel great". At first it felt like I was lying, but after a while, it pretty much changed my mood after I said it several more times. I got excited about feeling great. I still felt a heavy background of tired and stress, but I wasn't lost in it that much anymore.

I have spent a great deal of time deeply studying emotions, feelings, thoughts, and the nature of reality in general so I have a solid understanding of how things interplay within myself. I also have spent years shifted my center of consciousness to pure intuition and now towards pure being. As well as a solid understanding of how to manifest in the present moment. All this helped me truly feel and actually be great when I said I am great.

The key with reprogramming your thoughts, feeling, and speech is to do it in a positive way. You have to truly believe you are making the changes towards where you want to be. If you don't, you will simply build more resistance to positive flow.

You have to truly change how you feel about yourself. Your feelings are the content of who you are. Your thoughts and speech won't change who you are unless they begin to change the content of your heart.

My telling myself, "I am great" is one step of many I have taken in the process of transmuting my heart towards radiance. I truly believed it in some way when I said it. It tapped into real feelings that were strong enough to put me in a decent mood.

So basically, you can't overdue it. And you have to get to know yourself well enough to know when your bullshitting and when your attempts at self growth are really fear based, compulsive and not what you truly wish to be focusing on. I don't think this kind of change is easy for like 99.999 percent of the human population.

That being said. It can be done. And it's pretty amazing when it starts taking off. You realize you can do anything with your imagination, vision, and will.

This is true magic and alchemy.

Just think, wow, I don't have to be afraid of anything. I don't have to be nervous about anything. What if I start telling myself that I'm fearless, unstoppable, super-inteligent, super-capable. What if you don't have to be afraid? What if, if your not afraid, you will live in a world where it makes sense not to be afraid of anything. And its simply fear that is keeping you in a dangerous world and anxiety that is keeping you in insecurity.

What's it like to live in joy most of the time? Not to worry about money, or relationships, your health, or the future. Sounds fuckin nice!

That's where I'm checking out. Fuck the regular way of looking at things. I'm gonna fly and dance and army crawl through life. I'm gonna make apples out of bananas and treasure out of small spaces.
Peace!

Thought of the day #1

-Reality is an extremely complicated constantly changing image that is manipulated by the mind and can be altered by intention, imagination, and thought in any way-

Basically I was looking in the mirror at the dark depressions under my eyes from not getting enough sleep and I thought that everything in my body is a highly complicated orchestrated image. An image that is no different from any other image in mind or imagination. This body or Earth Universe image is just more dominant in this moment than most other images. When you are manifesting the life you desire (bringing health the flesh under my eyes), your really just altering the content of the hologram we live in via your psychic connection to everything. Lol... Everything may not in fact be solid, it may be perceived, in what I think is a very workable way, as a ever-changing 3-dimensional image that contains infinite depth and complexity. Imagine that you are the intelligent light composing all dimensions of the body. The cells, the energies, the blood, the tissues, the muscles, the skin, the hair and teeth, all are composed of light. You are an intelligence that can alter these forms by basically processing them, understanding them, and having a strong enough intention of what you want them to become. Nothing in your body is fixed. Nothing in your mind is fixed. It's all wavering light strewn together over the millennia in such an incredible way that we know as the body. It still isn't fixed. Its a temporary play of light. A play that we can alter however we wish if we have the proper understanding and direction of thought and intention.

It seems like the more you understand reality, the less boundaries there are to what you are capable of...
To the point where you uncover the secrets to the most unbreakable bonds of human thought....
This bond being the imminence of death...

What holds you back from immortality is the unknown, fate, the next moment and deeper insights that move you beyond your desires for an Earthly life.
The crazy thing is, you may in fact someday have the power to not only keep death at bay, but master the energies of life and live in eternal youth...
I know this is possible...but will it happen?

We only have this moment to find out...

At the bottom of being a person

     The other day my consciousness moved deeper than I have perceived before. I saw that it didn't really matter what happened to me as and individual, or to anyone or anything, because at the base of who I am I am not anyone or anything at all. This is how I felt, if I can say that I felt it, at the time. Now I wonder if both I am and I am not. At the time it appeared that who I am is something temporarily arising. I saw that the whole sensation of being was temporary and without any eternal form. I saw being as something inside of something else. I felt that all of my drives and ambitions were temporary and that I wasn't myself at all. I wasn't who I thought I was, I wasn't anyone really.
     Who I thought I was was someone or something permanent. I thought I was the center of the universe, or connected to something real. I thought that what I knew was everything. And I realized that being had a limit. Where I was joy was no different than suffering. I was not I. I was a temporary form and it had nothing to do with me because I didn't really exist at all. I wasn't separate from life, I just wasn't anything. All of life seemed like a shell. A shell that I didn't arise out of or transcend, a shell that held me and outside of it there wasn't me.
     It was a true end of personhood and being. An end not seen before. The self is afraid of this because it sees it as death. It cannot be there, it is not there. This place is where there is no self. It is off the edge of a map. The self tries to sustain life and joy because it is afraid of oblivion. As long as it is afraid of oblivion, it will not be fulfilled. Accepting oblivion truly is the end of the self. At least partially. The self occupies its space in the kosmos like a tree occupies its proper space in a field. It has its trunk coming off the ground extending into branches and leaves that fill the sky, along with roots that dig into the earth. But beyond this, it is dirt, grass, air worms and birds. This is the same with being. It is the tree. It has its place, but it is only one of many things that exist outside of it and are clearly not it. These things have completely different natures. nature's we may not be able to describe. I thought this tree was my heart, but when the air was felt and the birds were heard I felt that I was in fact heartless.
   The life of the tree was the heart of my whole universe. Life always exists in this universe. But this was not life and in not being life, life was not everything. And if life is only 1 grain of sand then it is not the heart of the universe, it is merely an aspect of an infinite universe. I saw "my life" and all life as one grain of sand, one moment of change, in a sea of something else. A sea that is not being.
     It is not necessarily void. It makes sense if you think about it. Do you really think that the universe is limited to being? The universe is not limited to anything. Sense moves beyond I and being.
     It makes you wonder if life is what we really think it is. Is being really what we think it is. This outside of being lies within the heart of life. Perhaps being is not at all. Perhaps there is no being. Everything we think we are experiencing personally may be an illusion. I think it is. I think it's the fact that we are personally experiencing it which makes us inherently blind to objective truth. It may be this blindness that is necessary for being to exist at all. Perhaps being is real, but only in the veil of ignorance.
     

Qi (chi): The Fundamental Particle

     Everything is made of chi and everything is chi. Chi is synonymous with energy, spirit, body, and matter. It is the fundamental building block of the universe and it is the universe. As you build with chi, as chi evolves, forms change, but the essence of the form remains the same. They are still composed of chi; they still are entirely chi. Chi is the mustard seed and the Cosmos. It is the multitude of form and the Oneness of form. It is the difference and uniqueness of forms and the commonality between forms. All form and all life is united and divided by chi.
     It is the force that animates life. It is consciousness and awareness. It is intelligent and it is intelligence. It can be contained and it cannot be contained. It can be known and it cannot be known. It is beyond us, yet it is us. It is the medium through which we sense and understand the workings of the universe. We sense the variations in chi through chi; and learn to understand these variations intellectually and communicate them effectively. We sense and learn about the chi that surrounds us and is us.
     Why is it important to understand chi? We have many notions of how to lead our lives well. Many of these ideas are ungrounded from direct perception and exact understanding. If we can perceive chi directly, we can begin to comprehend the universe exactly as it is, rather than rely on beliefs that are dim flashlights in the dark. The better we understand chi, the better we can manage our own lives and the more effectively we can organize and govern ourselves socially.
     In order to cultivate exact understanding, you must base your understanding off of direct perception of the senses. You must see chi as it is, flowing and changing, opening and closing: letting the unknown be the unknown. You must understand your assumptions as assumptions, beliefs as beliefs. They are not exact understanding or absolute truth. At best they are good approximations. At worst they are totally false. You believe in things you can't totally prove exist. You believe in them because believing them gives you something to stand on and hold onto in life. You have beliefs because your beliefs take you towards truth. They are not necessarily true. And if they are, beliefs still aren't perceiving truth directly. They are you deciding that something is true that you don't 100% know is true. We decide to believe because of what we sense. But, we don't need to have beliefs to sense the truth.
     Reality is an infinitely complicated and frequently, if not always, an indescribable sea of what we call form. Our senses tap into the universe in its raw comings and goings. Our minds filter our senses into coherent and meaningful information. We perceive this information as judgement, thoughts, and subjective experience. Our beliefs often strangle our senses into deluded perception of reality. We attempt to force circles to be squares. We see circles as squares. We see every unique shape as a square. They turn raw sensory data into what we believe or assume the world is like. We perceive the world through the filters of our beliefs, and see a world and live in a world that is largely imaginative.
     To see reality as it is, to see qi as it is, we must refine our beliefs and thought. We must refine them to the point of pure awareness. We must cultivate pure awareness and apply it to all of our thought and mind. We must test ourselves in the field of awareness to measure the validity of our self and thought. Through the examination of our thought in pure awareness we distill direct perception of the senses and direct perception of reality. We must examine our self to distill truth. We must examine our beliefs through the light of reason and conscious reflection to know if what we believe is true. We must cultivate direct perception of the senses to accurately judge the nature of the universe, the nature of qi. Our thoughts become living awareness of form rather than beliefs that distort our perceptions of form.
     Beliefs are not bad or always wholly untrue. They are attempts to understand the world we live in. They are based in sense and tradition that can be very helpful and meaningful. They may be the best tools we have to make sense of the world and keep our lives in order. They have a place in the evolution of our consciousness and should not be rejected wholly because of the intuition that there is a better way to perceive reality. They should be carefully examined and discarded only when a deeper truth is clearly realized.
     When you cultivate exact understanding you begin to see how everything is composed of radiating energy fields and currents. This energy is qi. The world is an incredibly complex matrix of interconnected and layered qi fields. Layers withing layers within layers of interconnected and interacting qi. Every particle of qi radiates itself (energy) in all directions at all times.  Every particle of qi vibrates and emits light. This subtle light is the energy that is radiated. So energy, subtle light, and qi are all the same thing. Qi is also sound. Sound is emitted by the vibrating qi as well. Qi is the subtle energy that permeates through all the phenomena we sense. Its the component that unifies what we sense through our various senses into coherent perception.
     Qi is much like water and air as well. It is fluid. It coalesces into streams and pools, yet because it is light it can travel in all directions. Although it is light, it is often dependent on form and fixed to specific locations. Even when it is fixed it radiates itself. When people see auras, they are seeing the radiating fields of qi emitted from the body. Every particle emits light or qi. The different combinations of particles creates unique atoms and thus unique energy signatures from the emitted light. Atoms compose molecules and molecules compose cells and cells compose tissues, so every layer of our physiological composition radiates unique frequencies of light. This light is not merely a spectacle. It is also intelligent and affecting. The intelligent light and energy (qi) emitted by different layers of our physiological composition informs the system of its degree of health. The system (body and organs and tissues and cells) can read (sense) its components and status because it too is intelligent and governed by intelligent energetic qi fields. Qi fields both emit intelligent light and receive intelligent light.
     The nervous system is the main way in which the body understands its composition. The qi(intelligent energy/light) of cells, tissues, and organs is sensed through the nervous system. The cells, tissues, and organs possess quasi-autonomy and awareness. This autonomy and awareness is essential for the functioning of the living structure. Each layer of physiological composition includes the awareness and intelligence of the structures within it and the structures within those structures. Each structure is semi-independent and self-possessing and relied on by the super-structure it lies within. The awareness/intelligence of each structure is included in the structure subsuming it which is why the body can sense the functioning within its cells and we can sense the condition of our organs. Each structure has a different way of being aware of its composition and condition, but each way is dependent on the awareness of qi. Each way transmits information through subtle energies.
     These subtle energies radiate infinitely outwards and can be perceived from anywhere in the universe. Their influence also reaches the furthest extent of the universe. This is why there is karma.
Because what you do literally affects the whole universe, and the whole universe responds. The qi that radiates from your being uniquely pushes and shapes the universe in a way that in tandem uniquely pushes and shapes you. Your thoughts and feelings(your overall energy signature, psychic sum of your radiation) contain emotional and structural imprints and commands. Your body and being, regardless of your awareness of it,  send out intelligent energy to get what they want and need from the world and universe. The universe is composed of intelligent structures which sense this outreach and respond given their disposition to your energy signature. Deeper cosmic forces sense your output and instantly respond through the web of form.
     Our heavenly form lies within what we call our physical bodies. Really our astral (heavenly) form  is simply a finer energy construct that operates within and surrounding our physical energy systems(cells, nerves, tissues, organs, bones muscles). I call them physical energy systems because the physical body is really not solid. We experience it as solid because of our relative, subjective, dualistic and personal-sensory experience. Our physical body is more like an intricate living system of condensed light. What we see as the material components of our bodies are really just condensed qi. The essence of this organic, material qi is the same essence as the essence of the qi that composes our astral bodies. Our physical bodies depend on our astral forms to exist. We need heavenly qi(energy) and heavenly connection to sustain them.
     Our astral body is Light channeled through an incredible complex system of chakras. Chakras are like consciousness machines that create unique structures of life such as the material universe, the sexual creative universe, the universe of form, the universe of individuality, the universe of communication, the astral universe, and the universe of spirit. All of these universes/structures/dimensions are connected to each other in complex ways through the chakra system and are ultimately one with each other existing in one seamless universe.  When we are sick, our physical body is affected, our subtle energy body is also effected. Our chakras are connected to our organs and body components. They work in synergy with the organs and the body to sustain the life of the body and its components/systems. If the chakras aren't flowing in healthy ways the body suffers and can even die.
     When we are cultivating exact understanding of the world, we are not simply learning accurate knowledge of the world's processes. We are cultivating direct awareness of our senses and the world. We are cultivating the ability to see the qi that composes and travels through our bodies and the bodies of the world. With this awareness, which itself is a field of qi, we can perceive the layers of intelligent energy and learn how they interact by direct observation. We learn to see the qi of the chakras and the subtle ways they interact with the body. With this awareness we can actually manipulate our energy and chakra fields. We can ramp them up or slow them down; channel them through different parts of our body; and integrate them in any kind of expression or art. We do this subconsciously or unconsciously already. The more we become conscious of chi and our subtle energy systems the more we can manipulate them: freeing ourselves from sickness and ignorance; and expanding our abilities and personal expression.
     It feels good to uncover new parts of yourself. It feels good to overcome challenges and have a firm grasp of what you need to do to go where you want to go. It feels good to see the world unmasked from ignorance and delusion. When I see the same energy flowing through and composing all things in such a broad and intricate way I feel great joy and wonder. I am less afraid of sickness and death; and I feel much more confident in becoming who I want to be by mastering myself. I am more confident because I can see directly how my actions generate harmony or illness in my body and being. I can see the small flows of qi within myself and know how to direct them to be in harmony with Life. And its not only harmony with my life, but with all Life. Qi is the micro and the macro. It is the mustard seed that mystics seek, the indivisible particle and essence of all form. It cannot be divided because even in its smallest form it is one with the Universe. To understand qi, you must realize that all forms are indivisible from each other. That all qi lives in a seamless vibrant sea of energy, being, and consciousness. That as each form is itself, it is also the universe. The form cannot be without the universal background. And the universe would not be without form. When you can see the big picture you can begin to put all of the smaller pieces together in a way that really works. You can begin to rearrange qi in ways that are truly good because you see exactly how things fit together. You realize that this good is Good because all is One and One is All. You begin to understand exactly how things work because you can only see the smallest particle when you can see the whole universe at once. The big picture is not only a space, it is a way of being. It is a way of being that is the essence of form. And the essence of form is the fundamental particle that composes all forms: Qi