Journal #19 Couch-me

Didn't sleep deep last night. Woke up after a dream where I was bending this monster kind of into a ring or something. And as this was happening there was a voice that said the light and the darkness are the same. Something like that. The dream didn't have anything overtly related to that. The feel of the dream has sort of pervaded the whole day. Maybe I can get to the bottom of that line. Light and darkness are the same. They are the same really. Light and darkness are the same. There is no difference between the two outside of what we imagine. They exist as particular forms, but it seems like ultimately they are the same. Light is darkness. Darkness is light. What else can this mean? Good is the same as bad. This seems true now. Bad is the same as good. Wow. I have never seen this so clearly. I have always been so bothered by my personal attempts to resolve the war between Light dark, good and bad, and their subsequent impulses. Now it appears clearly that they are the same. Good and bad are the same. Wow. I am unsure whether I can be good or bad. I think that I just am. I think the thought that we have departed into one or the other doesn't convey an actual reality. I don't think we depart from this moment, however we think we may. 

I think that I am departing from this moment, perhaps from the Light from goodness, into darkness and I think this is entirely happening in my imagination. I don't think I have ever departed from anything. Or reached anything for that matter. I think that I am reaching something good and worthy and departing from something bad, keeping something bad at bay. I have been missing the point. All this thought is a distraction from what is. It is just meaning making. Largely cultural. It has meaning to me personally, but it is not what I think it is. I thought it was necessary. I think that I can gain something. I can't really. Not how I thought. I thought that my heart was the heart, but it is not. It is just a construct. The heart isn't attached to any particulars, nor dependent on them. It's all fucking dreaming. All not real. Jesus fucking christ. This is all a fucking dream. Everything we think about ourselves, who we are. Made up shit. I'm fucking couch. I'm fucking couch...what phenomenal status. Couch-me. I am couch-me. Not even fucking couch-me. Just couch. Couch. If you want to get a hold of me I am not sure you can. Couch. Yup. Meaning and value are personal. They are real to who we are as people, but I am not sure if they are objectively real. Couch. Couch. I don't think these feelings are going away anytime soon. But I don't think they have as much weight as I thought. They don't. They fucking don't. It's a goddamn relief that they don't too. They are so fucking heavy. Heavy bowl of illusions. Heavy bowl of mist. Wait?...where is the bowl? What was I looking for anyway? Hmmm...don't remember. Rock. Tree. Dirt. Mountain. Hill. Thought. feeling. Trippy inner awareness. Lol. No body's home. Yet somehow I am all of this, and I have a hell of a lot of feelings about it. I have a heart. It is one with couch. I am couch-hearted. Obviously you know this, but I feel it is important to clarify. I am this being alive within all this form. Like woah...w..t..f..is going on...Why the fuck am I here? Why is this happening? Omg..?Wtf is that? Holy shit...wtf is that! That is pretty cool. Why is that cool. No fucking clue...Lol. Why does this seem like such a fucking joke? I think it's because it feels like I'm doing it to myself. Like here you go fuckhead. Have some of this. I know what it is going to do to you and I am going to watch and laugh my ass off as you run around in circles like a buffoon. I don't think I could play a better joke on myself. Give myself a sense of superiority and then make myself incredibly limited. Lol. It's a very good way to run into walls. If only these walls didn't appear and disappear like magic?...Or the pathways...I don't like free falling through unknown space...It can be quite terrifying...Lol. It's kind of great that there's nothing I can fucking do about it. Like I don't have a responsibility for anything that happens. I know you can equal sustain the opposite position, but what I say is valid. There is nothing I can do about what is happening. It just is and I am not responsible for it. It is completely out of my control. And I also just don't fucking care what happens. I don't care and I never will. Because I am couch. Couch. It just doesn't fucking matter. Rock. Bird. Clouds. Sky. Yup. This world feels like such a dream right now. I know it has some sort of reality to it, but now it seems like such a wisp of smoke passing through my mind..and I have no legitimate or lasting interest in it. The great beyond is my home. Hence Merlin. Honestly, I think this highlights my desire to live and be in the beyond...and just not be here on this planet in this life. I just don't often believe in this world. Nope. 

Journal # 18 If we are God, wtff is the point of striving for God

 Didn't realize how many layers there were to this recuperating shit. Not quite sure entirely what happened. Another puzzle on a heap of puzzles. I do feel stronger and wiser within. I don't feel as terrible about what happened, or as guilty. I feel more capable of doing better the next time things come around. Hopefully I won't get rocked as hard for a long time. I had a cool experience on Easter. My energy was swinging up and down a lot during that week and on Easter, which I barely remembered was Easter, I didn't have a lot of what let's call personal energy. I was feeling tight and trapped in my body and life, but not too much. It was bothering me less than it has in the past, but it still was bothering me. A feeling of lightness returned to me after a while and I felt it was time to eat. I ordered and picked up some food from a Mexican restaurant, and although I was still tired and hungry, my mood had much improved. When I started eating, I believe I gave thanks for the food and to Jesus for all the work that he's done for us, and my consciousness and energy and being opened up to him and the field of ascended masters and enlightened consciousness. I realized that I had not experienced this in months and I remembered that before it was a significant part of my life. I felt so much love and it felt like home. They felt nearly beside me as I ate and I felt so blessed. That's where my heart is. That is where I want to live from. That is where I find myself and my life purpose. I know it. They are my family and that is where my soul rests. I won't be content until I live from that space moment to moment in my life. In a sense I already do, I just forget that I do. We all do. We fall into the knots of fixed attention and deluded conditioned thinking, under and within veils of illusion and darkness. Or shadow. Shadow cast by the light. Let's make love our purpose. It's funny how easy it is to be convinced that our fixed ways are the way. To think it's vitally important that we hold ourself in aggressive and worried postures towards particular aspects of our lives. It is easy for most of us to fall into these patterns. And apparently quite difficult to break free from them in a deep way. We think this is true, and because we think and believe it so strongly perhaps it is. On the other hand, it may be very false to think so. From a place of enlightened perspective, there is infinite power everywhere to do whatever we want. We merely have to wish for anything to be so. Perhaps we experience such stuckness because we don't wish for better things. We don't think we can. We don't think it's possible. But have we actually examined ourselves objectively to see if this is possible? I think we feel so terribly about ourselves that we imagine our path in life as one full of suffering in which someday we may find peace and happiness. We have so much doubt over our ability to truly succeed in fulfilling our hearts desires and so much hurt feelings over this and the fact that we are not doing it, that we don't actually see what we are or aren't truly capable of. What we are capable of becomes dependent on these hurt feelings and doubts rather than on our true capacity for personal fulfillment. The veil becomes the standard when we have all this power within us all the time. So when enlightened beings say all you have to do is wish for it to be different ,they mean it and they are speaking they truth. We have just forgotten who we are and the power we hold within us. Maybe instead of focusing on what's wrong with us as much, we should focus on what is right. I think we are too critical of ourselves. To critical in general. We can lighten up. Simpy by realizing that we are lighter than we think we are. What is true about us? What is fully true about who we are? What is the truest way we can define our experience? All spiritual seekers are searching for God because they intuit  that who they are in the deepest most truest sense is God or is divine. Perhaps instead of focusing on the obstacles real or imagined between us in realizing or approaching God and working on those so hard, we can focus more instead on how if that is what we intuit we are most deeply, in the most real way, then don't we have the power right now to be free of all those obstacles? Aren't many if not all of them not real aspects of ourself? Aren't we truly the perfect embodiment of Light and enlightened consciousness with infinite levity, grace, and power? With perfect control, perfect love, and perfect wisdom? Is this not who we really are? Must we struggle so against what may simply be our own imagination? Are we not wholly divine now? Are we not one with the Creator? Are we not God perfectly embodied in human form? Is this not so? I believe that this is the truth. And this is reason to have faith in who we are instead of what we are afraid of. 

When do we stop playing games? When do we acknowledge the simply reality that what we are looking for is truly who we already are. All the wisdom traditions say so. Our initial realizations as spiritual seekers confirm this. Then we set out to gain Godhead like we set out to do everything else. Stop! You are God, you know this. You make all these plans to realize God when you know you are God instinctively. You start taking all this action to realize God and you forget what you first learned. You are God right now. So how can anything you are doing to get to God serve any purpose? If you have made this deduction that God is truly who you are right now maybe you can save yourself some time and energy. So if you are God right now then what does this mean for you? What does it mean about you? Perhaps you see this great gap between you and fully experiencing this truth. Well if there is a gap, and you are God. Can't you just instantly cross it? If you really are God, then how can there be a gap at all. If you really are God then everything you experience right now, everything you think, feel and perceive, everything you do, is God doing, being, perceiving, feeling, and thinking these things. I say is. Not veiled in any way, not distant or remote in any way, not anything that we can't truly realize, see or experience, or know. If everything is One and you are ultimately truly One with everything, then how can anything you are experiencing, anything about you not be not be One right now? Think about it. If you are One with everything and everything is One. What the flying squirrel tipped fuck is the point of doing anything in anyway for the sake of becoming one, or making the world One, whole, etc? It's stark raving madness to do so, and yet nearly every spiritual seeker does. WTFF? We don't take the time to think these things through. Or we do over years and years of time and effort. Fortunately, the way is shortening for many of us as more and more truth is distilled with every waking moment. Although I searched for God in various ways and with various compulsive methods, I had a strong sense early on that I was already God and that I was wasting my time trying to attain God. Instead of trying to attain God through some kind of meditation or mindset, my practice became telling myself that this is it over and over again. In all situations when I noticed (still when I notice) myself reaching in compulsion and anxiety and fear to try and solve my problems I chided myself and said within, no, it is here, now. This is it. This is God, this is whole. This must be truth, however horrible and unworthy it appears. Reaching in anxiety and fear, reaching compulsively, is turning away from what is arising in this moment, it is sacrificing what is real for what is hoped to be attained for the non-real self through conditioned and dead thinking and being. This is the definition and heart of sin. It is the act of losing faith in what is, the whole, that is here and now, and abandoning oneself in the darkness and unrighteous sin of delusion. When you abandon the whole, you abandon life, and you give in to madness. You become a destructive alienating force however subtle your turning of face. God knows what you are doing, and more importantly, you know what you are doing.  

We perceive it to be far easier to continue striving for betterment and self-improvement that to except this fact. To do so would mean giving up that which makes us feel secure. It would mean abandoning your compulsive will which is the heart of your conscious self. It would mean facing your incredible insecurities. It would mean facing the terrible void welling up within you, that grows each day you turn away from yourself, each day you don't have faith in what is real and you abandon truth for the nightmare that is the separate self sense and our soulless way of Western living. School. Degree. Job. Work. Family. TV. Loads of worthless shit. Doing doing doing everything we are told to do. The heart slowly slips away. Being slowly rots and decays into the maw of the terrible void. The living death. Where are you? Where is God? Right here. But you won't look here. Because here is the reality of your empty life and the empty world we live in. Here is the reality of your faithlessness. You are terrified of faith because society is terrified of faith. We have sold out to corporate fancies. Obviously not entirely, obviously we are not entirely soulless. But you get the picture. You see the monster I am pointing to. God, you, knows that the way you are living is wrong. God knows better. God knows you are completely wasting your time and that you are sinking lower and lower. God knows this is destroying the world bit by bit, choice by choice and God knows how to fix it. Simply stop giving in to compulsive death eating impulses. Be here and now. Face your fears, face what you know is true. Carry the weight consciously. You carry it anyway even if you think you have successfully fled from it and hidden yourself in the various pleasures rewarded to you by this world and this society for successfully denying your conscience. Your conscience which is a truer survival instinct than herd mentality mind you. Good luck with madness. I'm sure that will work out. For you and everyone else. Good luck with that. 

In reality, how much of a choice do we have? Between accepting that yes I am God, and no I am not God, I am this stricken isolated self. Well it depends on who you are. Maybe we always have the power to do whatever we wish. How many of us will use it if things remain as they are now? Where perhaps the most dominant conscious force is egoic consciousness? I think in reality, we won't make the choice to do otherwise until the reality of Godhead is much more apparent. Which thankfully, it is becoming. Thanks to all of us, slowly chipping away at the web of Maya and to the big guns in the Sky, making waves with super-love. They are like, "I fucking love you, stop being a dolt, you have infinite power, I touch you in the brains." And then they touch you in the brains with angel's wings and give you funny inspirations that cascade into impossibly life changing currents. Bespoken by the God's bitches! They be workin us. Just fuckin sky playas. Like flip, tip. Damn son. Wakin souls bitches. Basically....

Alright. I'm done. Merlin Out!!

Whole

 Whole. Whole. The whole is the whole. Whatever it may be, that is it. Whole everywhere. Complete. Whole. Whole. Whole. 

Fire on the Mountainside

Fire on the mountainside
Fire in the plains
Fire in the tundra
Fire in the way
Fire over water
Fire over land
Fire through the city streets
Fire in the mind of man
Fire burns for tomorrow
Fire burns for today
Fire burns away the flesh
Fire burns away the life
A mad fire driven by the light of the sun
I have forgotten this blazing heat
Burning at my side
I have forgotten the unrelenting flames
That will not die
They have burned away my name
They have burned away my life
I cannot reach within them
For they are much too strong
I stand here in the furnace
Burning at my flesh
Locked in the furnace
With not but fire to digest
I have done my best to conceal
This from my mind
The fact that I am burning
Burning all the time
Numb to the fire
Numb to the heat
Numb to feeling
To my destiny
My soul is locked in shadow
Hidden by smoke
Where my body is burning
Where my life is spent
Trapped in fire
Trapped in pain
Trapped in torment
Again and again and again
I did not know I would go to the land of burning
But there I find myself
Where light shines strongest and sets the world ablaze
Fueled by fear
And fueled by terror
Fueled by hunger
Of ravaging desire
Driven by lust
For what life holds
I dwell in the flames
Within the soil
Within the life
Within the light
Fire and might
Battle unending
Fight for control
Fight for possession
Fight for occupancy
To escape depression
Bent and beaten
Covered in dirt and rags
Climbing in the pit
Death to all that stand before me
Burning fire glows in my eyes
Surrounded by flame and magma
I will consume the Earth
Leveling it in my power
Tying all to my will

There is so much I want to say, but I don't know where to begin. I can't seem to reach my life. This life trying to live. Trying to be. Struggling in the noose. Struggling with chains around it. Suffocating in the flames in the hollows of the Earth. How do I give life to thee? How do I make peace with thee? How do I bring thee into the world? How do I make thee a place to grow and to live? I am afraid I cannot. I am afraid the task is to great and I am too weak. I am so tired of being weak. So tired of struggling so seemingly against the world. Tired of such weight depressing me and blinding me. Tired of being muted. Of being stilled. Tired of the fire and the flames. Tired of burning like a smoldering log. Tired of this way. Of this path. I am tired of being blind. Tired of flailing so. I want to stand tall and true, present yet free and unobstructed by the way. 

Power

 Waiting for the power. The power ebbs and flows like the tides. It waxes and wanes like the moon. From thought and feeling to raw power to ritual. The power shapes the world. It moves through most like a trickle of water running down a hillside. It is used spread out and bound in the many thoughts of I am this and not that. Where are the teachers to show us otherwise? It is caught up in limiting beliefs and low self-esteem. It is simply poured out down the drain into the corporate consumer fantasy. It is contained in flowers. In the soil. In all living things. In all things. It is always channeled through us. Yet we often are unskilled in channeling it. We use it to accomplish what we do. It is what binds us to life, it is the alchemy which manifests the union of ourself and what we desire. It is the power of the alchemy which is the ordinary transmutation of the universe. Intelligence means vision which means intention. Will so to speak. The universe is endowed with will. Everything. Including atoms and protons and whatever is here. It all has a will to be and to be something more. It is this will which shapes the universe. Everything around you is willing the universe to be other than it is. Everything around is a swirl of the natural force of transmutation. A beating vital force of creation. All drawing on the power to continue to exist and continue to change. Awareness of this power and skill in using it can lead to great things. To heightened power. To heightened ability. If misused, it can lead to your death. Or it can drive you mad. To sustain it, you must find a way to balance the power in your body and in your life. You must find balance between yourself and the world. Between yourself and the universe. 

The reality is that you are already balanced because you are the universe. You are not just the body mind nexus you call yourself. The universe is already perfectly balanced as it is right now and you are it. It is not seeing this that makes us feel out of balance. We are the whole not the part alone. We have infinite power at our disposal at all times to do whatever we wish. This is the truth. How we experience this truth is most often different for mostly all of us most of the time. There is some kind of subjective unraveling of experience which leads to this realization to the nature of life as it is always. A transformation of our personal perception which is largely illusory. It is a transformation that we undergo and we carry out. In a sense that we are responsible for. In which the way to balance, which appears to be a term with meaning perhaps only in a subjective relative sense within our human experience, we must behave a certain way to discover certain things about ourself which allow us to live in harmony with life. It is through our feelings that we discover a greater sense of self which when missing leads to all sorts of trouble. These feelings eventually lead to the realization that things have always been perfectly balanced as they are and that ourselves, the universe, needs nothing to be added to it to make it whole. In a way the term balance may have no significance because it's meaning appears only to apply to the perception of a separate self that does not in reality exist. It is synonymous with God, nature, reality, universe. As a word it points to the true nature of reality, which very simply is reality. It is our separate self sense which makes us have to delineate between real and not real, when in fact all there is is reality, the whole, everything, here and now. Words words words. Silly words. Balance in its truest sense points to a harmony between oneself and the world which in fact is a complete singleness of self and world, which is not often how we perceive balance, but it remains to be the heart of it. Waking up is simply realizing that all our virtues and ideals point to reality as it is now. We simply stutter along we confused heads clutching these things because it's the best we can do as we pass the domain of ego consciousness. They all point to this whole that we live in, which is not a word. The best I can do is point very effectively at it. I can say that power is infinite everywhere, but this just points to a cursed smudgling of what is going on. But it may be meaningful to state because of how we as humans experience the universe and understand what we call power.

 If we have all this power all the time then why don't we use it? Again we are failing to see the big picture. We are using it because we are the universe. Which from our frame of understanding is always infinitely active. We think that our egos must somehow wield this power for this claim to be true. I must be all powerful. I Rhonda must be all powerful. Who we think we are is not who we actually are. We think we are these limited bodymind beings when in fact we are everything that we can perceive and more. The category of bodymind being is hilariously a subcategory to the main category of who we are. However we imagine ourself to be doing, the universe is fully operational. The universe is the eternal infinite power, we are the universe, we are not who we think we are. We feel powerless. How much of this is imagined? Are we ever truly powerless? How much of what you think about this do you know to be true? 

Sandcastle, memory, forgotten, fear, darkness, fight

 So much going on within. So much sight. So much movement. Like a ray of light piercing through the clouds and striking the landscape, the Earth, beneath. Beholding in the light. Through the storm comes the ray of light. All is revealed. To go so much further. To go so much further beyond what I see know. To leave it the dust, in the quickly forgotten past. To strike down reoccurring elements with the whip of the wind and a stream of lightening. An old skin, sliding off new flesh, bright eyes and unhindered movement. Weight to dust. Dust to wind. Never again. To change the way with a nearly violent flash of thought. A rockslide. An arrow striking the target. Sinking into wood. To go from coarse to fine and find yourself in the sparkling dust amid the many colors of the Kosmos. The castle thought of rock, made of sand, toppling as its foundations dissolve in swelling water. The sand returning to the beach, to the water, to the sea and nothing is left, but the memory of a unique play of the elements. A memory of play at the beach in the bright sun and blue sky. So light that it does not hold one's attention. One's attention is free to drift and float and mingle where it may. Lifted by the breath and spirit of the birthing of the new in the now. The tie has been cut, the spirit is freed. Much passes. Much passes. Where am I to be found? Where am I to be found? Fear of falling, fear of light, fear of pain and death and torment. Cling to life, cling to death. Cling to shadow. Cling to fear. Lost in thought. Lost in this world. In this life. Lost. Drifting and lost. Alone and forgotten. Fallen under. Swept underneath in the depths. A jewel in the river. A jewel in the sea. Tucked away between rock and soil. Forgotten. This jewel. This life. It shines ever so brightly. Ever so beautifully, but it is covered by mud. It is diminished in the depths. Concealed. Forgotten. But true. But the soul. But the life. But the way. Green and lustrous emerald in the depths. Shining brilliantly of its own light. Calling me home. Calling me back. Filling me with blood, with purpose, with memory. Filling me with life yet again. Do I yet struggle in the depths? Have I not escaped? Am I still beaten and broken? Do I shine now? May I shine again? May I live? Is such real? I am caught beneath the surface of the wave, yet I ride it. It carries me ashore. Slowly we make our way ashore. To land, to self, to purpose, to life. My eyes are still veiled in shadow. I am yet to see. I am beneath the surface, close to the surface, close to my life. Close to freedom. Tied in the torment of thought. Is this a dream? Is this real? Where am I? Who am I? What am I? What is worth seeking, if anything at all? What is my purpose? What is my love? What is my life? It seems I have forgotten again. The strand has slipped from my fingers and drifted away in the currents of the unfathomable universe. The gargantuan expanse. I feel as though I walked freely, again into my death, which is the death of forgetfulness. The painful sea of suffocating delusion. This tide has come upon me. What was revealed has been covered with its return. What can I do but mind the tides? What can I do but watch the changing of the shoreline? What can I do but hope I will awaken again? I can do my best to shine in darkness. To shine brightly in darkness, perhaps bright enough that I will regain my sight. Perhaps bright enough that I will remember strength. I feel that the world is working for me again. Perhaps it always has and I merely scorn it in my ignorance. I am slowly awakening again. I have been for some while. The bliss of where I was leaves scarred pain in my heart. In my memory. The fear and the turmoil surrounding what has happened keeps me in the shadows. Keeps me buried in darkness. Drowning in myself. Some wounds appear so difficult to face. Such pain and fear and emotion. Apparently much to much to bear. To bring again into awareness. What else have I to do? But toil and tend to my shrinking self? My fearful and hurt self? It is the way, the guard, the gate, and the key. As much as I would like to leave this portion of myself in the dust. It seems that I cannot. I must pick it up and take it with me. It is the lantern in the dark. My heart. My feeling. My soul. Without it, I am lost. I remember that there was something more. Something more that I had. It is painful to remember. I shrink from memory. I still wish to be left alone. Something I had. Something precious to me. Something so precious that I have not had for much much time. That I hold so dear that I don't wish to think of it for fear of sending it away with my thoughts. I had a greater sense of self. Death to me for remembering. Twice death. Don't remind me fool. The memory will lure me to agonizing pain in rekindled passion for life that I am too weak to fulfill. Let me lie in the dirt with the dogs. Without memory, without life, and without pain. I do not care for this world without life. I do not care for life without myself. I spurn myself for the destruction of something so precious, so dear. A history of pain, impossible to forget. A blanket of terrorizing shadow and hellfire. The thought that I do not have control over this life. Over this light that can so easily be forgotten, diminished, terrorizes my soul. It cannot bear the thought of returning to hell yet again. Yet the strength I gain from meticulous reconstruction leads to this openness, this doom. I am afraid. Very, very afraid. Yet I have courage and great tenacity. I wish to conquer this darkness. This ocean of unknown obstacles. When I am not afraid, I wish to conquer it. I rally to conquer it. I bend every fiber of my being to deny it. To overcome it. It is a torrent of water and fire. A blistering waterfall of every kind of weakening device. We see it as so many different faces in the world. Call it by so many different names, but it is all the same. It is the black death. It is the undoing. That which unmakes what is made and returns it to darkness. Without proper orientation towards it, it will destroy you. It will use you to destroy yourself. There must be balance for there to be light. It's wickedness festers in our own minds. Viruses. We must sufficiently root it out by rooting out our dependence on what is fiction. On what is faithless, virtueless, groundless. Fear is its heart. To undo it, we must undo our fear. We can only undo our fear in life. In living. In being here with what we have, however painful it may be. It is the only way forward. It is not something we can help. Here we are, awake with our demons. Beset by dangers, troubles, obstacles. On the road that passes through high mountains with sheer cliff side. To make it through we must continue on. Continue on the dark road. The dark road is still and always will be the road of life. It is our faithlessness that sends us into hell. Keep faith, keep strength, stay true to the course. Plod along. Live here. As brightly as you can. Shine out. Fill the world with your heartfire. With your heart light. Fill the world with your song. Breathe deeply, take what you can. Be strong. Be as strong as you can be. Fight against fear. Fight against forgetting. Fight against what keeps you down, what holds you back. Fight for every step of the way. Never give up, never surrender. Hold on to what is true. Fight against everything else. Tooth and nail. Rail against the darkness, rail against your demons, rail against what would undo you. Fight to live and live to fight. Fight back everything that threatens you. Push it back to the wall. Defeat it. Destroy it. Undo it. Conquer it and conquer the world. Conquer yourself. Conquer your fears. Conquer your life. Master everything. Become yourself. Become all that you can be. Never give in. Never surrender. 

Awakening to greater vision and power, Realizing the wetness of all things

 I have been feeling a lot better over the last week or so. A lot better. I feel more confident in my life and I am seeing a positive trend again. Mindblowing how everything happens the way it does. Each day I get a little bit stronger and gain a slightly better position. I regain some more of myself. So many little steps. I see so much possibility in the future if this trend can be maintained. I see how my will can learn how to do the impossible. How I can shape things with thought, feeling, and intention by being so minutely in tune with the way things are now. It's such a place of intimate and personal feeling and being. Like the world has been and is being unmasked and your mind runs out to it like roots running out of a tree into the soil. When you find the way that is truly absolving your ego, and you let go of your life into truth on this perfect path, the degree of precision and vision you gain is incredible. The complexity, depth, and breadth of the world are so subtle and profuse. Your knowledge and awareness of yourself is so acute and your vision and therefore power is so penetrating and expansive that the unseen impossible opens up to you. One of my most valuable skills is the ability to ignore compulsive and egoic impulses. To have the gumption to wait in discomfort and anxiety for a truer way to appear. If this ability becomes a constant imagine the depths of yourself that become apparent. Imagine depths you never could have imagined, and depths beneath these depths, and depths beneath these depths. Is there an end to the depth? To the profundity of the self? It seems not. With increased depth arises the potential for increased maneuverability. Lines of power increasingly subtle appear in the mind. I don't think it is destined for all to reach such depths, even for those who are awake. It seems like my heart and soul quake with anticipation at unlocking such power and such presence. Is seems like this is where I dwell and where I find solace. In great depth, in great power, in great vision, in vast being. I want to anchor myself here, in the place of anchorless presence. All I desire is to rest here, to make it my unbroken awareness. To ride it where it may lead, free from that which would hold me back. This place is not fixed. It is open. Here our heart is not tied down to the jetsam. To the drift wood. It is exquisitely engaged, but it is not tied down. I think one of the hearts, or one thing that points to the heart of awakening is the change of the apparent center of gravity of consciousness. From fixation on particulars to a relaxation of this fixation to a place of openness where particulars come and go freely. The ego, the separate self, seizes on what it desires, the awakened consciousness does not in a way that can only be experienced. Form and the ego are waves on the sea, awakened consciousness is the Sea or Water itself. In all places yet not limited to any place at all. Fixated mind is limited mind. Awakened mind is unlimited placeless mind. We are afraid, so deeply afraid of unlimited placeless mind and unlimited placeless attitude. It is contrary to fixated mind which believes at it's heart that it must hold onto what it loves to keep it, to have it. It believes letting go to unlimited placeless mind is an uncertainty that opens the door to death. It does not have faith. It has fear, compulsion, and egoic perception in which the world is separated into this and that, this and not that. Yet it is the Sea as well. It is made entirely of water and water is its true nature. It is water believing it is not water. It is water believing it is wood. Water is the true nature of reality. It has never not been. The ego, the fixated mind, is as fluid as anything else. The trick is to see that it is water, and that even in its clutches we are in the sea. For the ego resists the ego because consciousness believes that it must return to the sea. When we accept the ego as another wave of water we can fully relax into the depths of the ocean. Yet this still is unimportant and necessary. Sea everywhere. Water everywhere. Everything is wet.