So much going on within. So much sight. So much movement. Like a ray of light piercing through the clouds and striking the landscape, the Earth, beneath. Beholding in the light. Through the storm comes the ray of light. All is revealed. To go so much further. To go so much further beyond what I see know. To leave it the dust, in the quickly forgotten past. To strike down reoccurring elements with the whip of the wind and a stream of lightening. An old skin, sliding off new flesh, bright eyes and unhindered movement. Weight to dust. Dust to wind. Never again. To change the way with a nearly violent flash of thought. A rockslide. An arrow striking the target. Sinking into wood. To go from coarse to fine and find yourself in the sparkling dust amid the many colors of the Kosmos. The castle thought of rock, made of sand, toppling as its foundations dissolve in swelling water. The sand returning to the beach, to the water, to the sea and nothing is left, but the memory of a unique play of the elements. A memory of play at the beach in the bright sun and blue sky. So light that it does not hold one's attention. One's attention is free to drift and float and mingle where it may. Lifted by the breath and spirit of the birthing of the new in the now. The tie has been cut, the spirit is freed. Much passes. Much passes. Where am I to be found? Where am I to be found? Fear of falling, fear of light, fear of pain and death and torment. Cling to life, cling to death. Cling to shadow. Cling to fear. Lost in thought. Lost in this world. In this life. Lost. Drifting and lost. Alone and forgotten. Fallen under. Swept underneath in the depths. A jewel in the river. A jewel in the sea. Tucked away between rock and soil. Forgotten. This jewel. This life. It shines ever so brightly. Ever so beautifully, but it is covered by mud. It is diminished in the depths. Concealed. Forgotten. But true. But the soul. But the life. But the way. Green and lustrous emerald in the depths. Shining brilliantly of its own light. Calling me home. Calling me back. Filling me with blood, with purpose, with memory. Filling me with life yet again. Do I yet struggle in the depths? Have I not escaped? Am I still beaten and broken? Do I shine now? May I shine again? May I live? Is such real? I am caught beneath the surface of the wave, yet I ride it. It carries me ashore. Slowly we make our way ashore. To land, to self, to purpose, to life. My eyes are still veiled in shadow. I am yet to see. I am beneath the surface, close to the surface, close to my life. Close to freedom. Tied in the torment of thought. Is this a dream? Is this real? Where am I? Who am I? What am I? What is worth seeking, if anything at all? What is my purpose? What is my love? What is my life? It seems I have forgotten again. The strand has slipped from my fingers and drifted away in the currents of the unfathomable universe. The gargantuan expanse. I feel as though I walked freely, again into my death, which is the death of forgetfulness. The painful sea of suffocating delusion. This tide has come upon me. What was revealed has been covered with its return. What can I do but mind the tides? What can I do but watch the changing of the shoreline? What can I do but hope I will awaken again? I can do my best to shine in darkness. To shine brightly in darkness, perhaps bright enough that I will regain my sight. Perhaps bright enough that I will remember strength. I feel that the world is working for me again. Perhaps it always has and I merely scorn it in my ignorance. I am slowly awakening again. I have been for some while. The bliss of where I was leaves scarred pain in my heart. In my memory. The fear and the turmoil surrounding what has happened keeps me in the shadows. Keeps me buried in darkness. Drowning in myself. Some wounds appear so difficult to face. Such pain and fear and emotion. Apparently much to much to bear. To bring again into awareness. What else have I to do? But toil and tend to my shrinking self? My fearful and hurt self? It is the way, the guard, the gate, and the key. As much as I would like to leave this portion of myself in the dust. It seems that I cannot. I must pick it up and take it with me. It is the lantern in the dark. My heart. My feeling. My soul. Without it, I am lost. I remember that there was something more. Something more that I had. It is painful to remember. I shrink from memory. I still wish to be left alone. Something I had. Something precious to me. Something so precious that I have not had for much much time. That I hold so dear that I don't wish to think of it for fear of sending it away with my thoughts. I had a greater sense of self. Death to me for remembering. Twice death. Don't remind me fool. The memory will lure me to agonizing pain in rekindled passion for life that I am too weak to fulfill. Let me lie in the dirt with the dogs. Without memory, without life, and without pain. I do not care for this world without life. I do not care for life without myself. I spurn myself for the destruction of something so precious, so dear. A history of pain, impossible to forget. A blanket of terrorizing shadow and hellfire. The thought that I do not have control over this life. Over this light that can so easily be forgotten, diminished, terrorizes my soul. It cannot bear the thought of returning to hell yet again. Yet the strength I gain from meticulous reconstruction leads to this openness, this doom. I am afraid. Very, very afraid. Yet I have courage and great tenacity. I wish to conquer this darkness. This ocean of unknown obstacles. When I am not afraid, I wish to conquer it. I rally to conquer it. I bend every fiber of my being to deny it. To overcome it. It is a torrent of water and fire. A blistering waterfall of every kind of weakening device. We see it as so many different faces in the world. Call it by so many different names, but it is all the same. It is the black death. It is the undoing. That which unmakes what is made and returns it to darkness. Without proper orientation towards it, it will destroy you. It will use you to destroy yourself. There must be balance for there to be light. It's wickedness festers in our own minds. Viruses. We must sufficiently root it out by rooting out our dependence on what is fiction. On what is faithless, virtueless, groundless. Fear is its heart. To undo it, we must undo our fear. We can only undo our fear in life. In living. In being here with what we have, however painful it may be. It is the only way forward. It is not something we can help. Here we are, awake with our demons. Beset by dangers, troubles, obstacles. On the road that passes through high mountains with sheer cliff side. To make it through we must continue on. Continue on the dark road. The dark road is still and always will be the road of life. It is our faithlessness that sends us into hell. Keep faith, keep strength, stay true to the course. Plod along. Live here. As brightly as you can. Shine out. Fill the world with your heartfire. With your heart light. Fill the world with your song. Breathe deeply, take what you can. Be strong. Be as strong as you can be. Fight against fear. Fight against forgetting. Fight against what keeps you down, what holds you back. Fight for every step of the way. Never give up, never surrender. Hold on to what is true. Fight against everything else. Tooth and nail. Rail against the darkness, rail against your demons, rail against what would undo you. Fight to live and live to fight. Fight back everything that threatens you. Push it back to the wall. Defeat it. Destroy it. Undo it. Conquer it and conquer the world. Conquer yourself. Conquer your fears. Conquer your life. Master everything. Become yourself. Become all that you can be. Never give in. Never surrender.
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