Didn't sleep deep last night. Woke up after a dream where I was bending this monster kind of into a ring or something. And as this was happening there was a voice that said the light and the darkness are the same. Something like that. The dream didn't have anything overtly related to that. The feel of the dream has sort of pervaded the whole day. Maybe I can get to the bottom of that line. Light and darkness are the same. They are the same really. Light and darkness are the same. There is no difference between the two outside of what we imagine. They exist as particular forms, but it seems like ultimately they are the same. Light is darkness. Darkness is light. What else can this mean? Good is the same as bad. This seems true now. Bad is the same as good. Wow. I have never seen this so clearly. I have always been so bothered by my personal attempts to resolve the war between Light dark, good and bad, and their subsequent impulses. Now it appears clearly that they are the same. Good and bad are the same. Wow. I am unsure whether I can be good or bad. I think that I just am. I think the thought that we have departed into one or the other doesn't convey an actual reality. I don't think we depart from this moment, however we think we may.
I think that I am departing from this moment, perhaps from the Light from goodness, into darkness and I think this is entirely happening in my imagination. I don't think I have ever departed from anything. Or reached anything for that matter. I think that I am reaching something good and worthy and departing from something bad, keeping something bad at bay. I have been missing the point. All this thought is a distraction from what is. It is just meaning making. Largely cultural. It has meaning to me personally, but it is not what I think it is. I thought it was necessary. I think that I can gain something. I can't really. Not how I thought. I thought that my heart was the heart, but it is not. It is just a construct. The heart isn't attached to any particulars, nor dependent on them. It's all fucking dreaming. All not real. Jesus fucking christ. This is all a fucking dream. Everything we think about ourselves, who we are. Made up shit. I'm fucking couch. I'm fucking couch...what phenomenal status. Couch-me. I am couch-me. Not even fucking couch-me. Just couch. Couch. If you want to get a hold of me I am not sure you can. Couch. Yup. Meaning and value are personal. They are real to who we are as people, but I am not sure if they are objectively real. Couch. Couch. I don't think these feelings are going away anytime soon. But I don't think they have as much weight as I thought. They don't. They fucking don't. It's a goddamn relief that they don't too. They are so fucking heavy. Heavy bowl of illusions. Heavy bowl of mist. Wait?...where is the bowl? What was I looking for anyway? Hmmm...don't remember. Rock. Tree. Dirt. Mountain. Hill. Thought. feeling. Trippy inner awareness. Lol. No body's home. Yet somehow I am all of this, and I have a hell of a lot of feelings about it. I have a heart. It is one with couch. I am couch-hearted. Obviously you know this, but I feel it is important to clarify. I am this being alive within all this form. Like woah...w..t..f..is going on...Why the fuck am I here? Why is this happening? Omg..?Wtf is that? Holy shit...wtf is that! That is pretty cool. Why is that cool. No fucking clue...Lol. Why does this seem like such a fucking joke? I think it's because it feels like I'm doing it to myself. Like here you go fuckhead. Have some of this. I know what it is going to do to you and I am going to watch and laugh my ass off as you run around in circles like a buffoon. I don't think I could play a better joke on myself. Give myself a sense of superiority and then make myself incredibly limited. Lol. It's a very good way to run into walls. If only these walls didn't appear and disappear like magic?...Or the pathways...I don't like free falling through unknown space...It can be quite terrifying...Lol. It's kind of great that there's nothing I can fucking do about it. Like I don't have a responsibility for anything that happens. I know you can equal sustain the opposite position, but what I say is valid. There is nothing I can do about what is happening. It just is and I am not responsible for it. It is completely out of my control. And I also just don't fucking care what happens. I don't care and I never will. Because I am couch. Couch. It just doesn't fucking matter. Rock. Bird. Clouds. Sky. Yup. This world feels like such a dream right now. I know it has some sort of reality to it, but now it seems like such a wisp of smoke passing through my mind..and I have no legitimate or lasting interest in it. The great beyond is my home. Hence Merlin. Honestly, I think this highlights my desire to live and be in the beyond...and just not be here on this planet in this life. I just don't often believe in this world. Nope.
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