Didn't realize how many layers there were to this recuperating shit. Not quite sure entirely what happened. Another puzzle on a heap of puzzles. I do feel stronger and wiser within. I don't feel as terrible about what happened, or as guilty. I feel more capable of doing better the next time things come around. Hopefully I won't get rocked as hard for a long time. I had a cool experience on Easter. My energy was swinging up and down a lot during that week and on Easter, which I barely remembered was Easter, I didn't have a lot of what let's call personal energy. I was feeling tight and trapped in my body and life, but not too much. It was bothering me less than it has in the past, but it still was bothering me. A feeling of lightness returned to me after a while and I felt it was time to eat. I ordered and picked up some food from a Mexican restaurant, and although I was still tired and hungry, my mood had much improved. When I started eating, I believe I gave thanks for the food and to Jesus for all the work that he's done for us, and my consciousness and energy and being opened up to him and the field of ascended masters and enlightened consciousness. I realized that I had not experienced this in months and I remembered that before it was a significant part of my life. I felt so much love and it felt like home. They felt nearly beside me as I ate and I felt so blessed. That's where my heart is. That is where I want to live from. That is where I find myself and my life purpose. I know it. They are my family and that is where my soul rests. I won't be content until I live from that space moment to moment in my life. In a sense I already do, I just forget that I do. We all do. We fall into the knots of fixed attention and deluded conditioned thinking, under and within veils of illusion and darkness. Or shadow. Shadow cast by the light. Let's make love our purpose. It's funny how easy it is to be convinced that our fixed ways are the way. To think it's vitally important that we hold ourself in aggressive and worried postures towards particular aspects of our lives. It is easy for most of us to fall into these patterns. And apparently quite difficult to break free from them in a deep way. We think this is true, and because we think and believe it so strongly perhaps it is. On the other hand, it may be very false to think so. From a place of enlightened perspective, there is infinite power everywhere to do whatever we want. We merely have to wish for anything to be so. Perhaps we experience such stuckness because we don't wish for better things. We don't think we can. We don't think it's possible. But have we actually examined ourselves objectively to see if this is possible? I think we feel so terribly about ourselves that we imagine our path in life as one full of suffering in which someday we may find peace and happiness. We have so much doubt over our ability to truly succeed in fulfilling our hearts desires and so much hurt feelings over this and the fact that we are not doing it, that we don't actually see what we are or aren't truly capable of. What we are capable of becomes dependent on these hurt feelings and doubts rather than on our true capacity for personal fulfillment. The veil becomes the standard when we have all this power within us all the time. So when enlightened beings say all you have to do is wish for it to be different ,they mean it and they are speaking they truth. We have just forgotten who we are and the power we hold within us. Maybe instead of focusing on what's wrong with us as much, we should focus on what is right. I think we are too critical of ourselves. To critical in general. We can lighten up. Simpy by realizing that we are lighter than we think we are. What is true about us? What is fully true about who we are? What is the truest way we can define our experience? All spiritual seekers are searching for God because they intuit that who they are in the deepest most truest sense is God or is divine. Perhaps instead of focusing on the obstacles real or imagined between us in realizing or approaching God and working on those so hard, we can focus more instead on how if that is what we intuit we are most deeply, in the most real way, then don't we have the power right now to be free of all those obstacles? Aren't many if not all of them not real aspects of ourself? Aren't we truly the perfect embodiment of Light and enlightened consciousness with infinite levity, grace, and power? With perfect control, perfect love, and perfect wisdom? Is this not who we really are? Must we struggle so against what may simply be our own imagination? Are we not wholly divine now? Are we not one with the Creator? Are we not God perfectly embodied in human form? Is this not so? I believe that this is the truth. And this is reason to have faith in who we are instead of what we are afraid of.
When do we stop playing games? When do we acknowledge the simply reality that what we are looking for is truly who we already are. All the wisdom traditions say so. Our initial realizations as spiritual seekers confirm this. Then we set out to gain Godhead like we set out to do everything else. Stop! You are God, you know this. You make all these plans to realize God when you know you are God instinctively. You start taking all this action to realize God and you forget what you first learned. You are God right now. So how can anything you are doing to get to God serve any purpose? If you have made this deduction that God is truly who you are right now maybe you can save yourself some time and energy. So if you are God right now then what does this mean for you? What does it mean about you? Perhaps you see this great gap between you and fully experiencing this truth. Well if there is a gap, and you are God. Can't you just instantly cross it? If you really are God, then how can there be a gap at all. If you really are God then everything you experience right now, everything you think, feel and perceive, everything you do, is God doing, being, perceiving, feeling, and thinking these things. I say is. Not veiled in any way, not distant or remote in any way, not anything that we can't truly realize, see or experience, or know. If everything is One and you are ultimately truly One with everything, then how can anything you are experiencing, anything about you not be not be One right now? Think about it. If you are One with everything and everything is One. What the flying squirrel tipped fuck is the point of doing anything in anyway for the sake of becoming one, or making the world One, whole, etc? It's stark raving madness to do so, and yet nearly every spiritual seeker does. WTFF? We don't take the time to think these things through. Or we do over years and years of time and effort. Fortunately, the way is shortening for many of us as more and more truth is distilled with every waking moment. Although I searched for God in various ways and with various compulsive methods, I had a strong sense early on that I was already God and that I was wasting my time trying to attain God. Instead of trying to attain God through some kind of meditation or mindset, my practice became telling myself that this is it over and over again. In all situations when I noticed (still when I notice) myself reaching in compulsion and anxiety and fear to try and solve my problems I chided myself and said within, no, it is here, now. This is it. This is God, this is whole. This must be truth, however horrible and unworthy it appears. Reaching in anxiety and fear, reaching compulsively, is turning away from what is arising in this moment, it is sacrificing what is real for what is hoped to be attained for the non-real self through conditioned and dead thinking and being. This is the definition and heart of sin. It is the act of losing faith in what is, the whole, that is here and now, and abandoning oneself in the darkness and unrighteous sin of delusion. When you abandon the whole, you abandon life, and you give in to madness. You become a destructive alienating force however subtle your turning of face. God knows what you are doing, and more importantly, you know what you are doing.
We perceive it to be far easier to continue striving for betterment and self-improvement that to except this fact. To do so would mean giving up that which makes us feel secure. It would mean abandoning your compulsive will which is the heart of your conscious self. It would mean facing your incredible insecurities. It would mean facing the terrible void welling up within you, that grows each day you turn away from yourself, each day you don't have faith in what is real and you abandon truth for the nightmare that is the separate self sense and our soulless way of Western living. School. Degree. Job. Work. Family. TV. Loads of worthless shit. Doing doing doing everything we are told to do. The heart slowly slips away. Being slowly rots and decays into the maw of the terrible void. The living death. Where are you? Where is God? Right here. But you won't look here. Because here is the reality of your empty life and the empty world we live in. Here is the reality of your faithlessness. You are terrified of faith because society is terrified of faith. We have sold out to corporate fancies. Obviously not entirely, obviously we are not entirely soulless. But you get the picture. You see the monster I am pointing to. God, you, knows that the way you are living is wrong. God knows better. God knows you are completely wasting your time and that you are sinking lower and lower. God knows this is destroying the world bit by bit, choice by choice and God knows how to fix it. Simply stop giving in to compulsive death eating impulses. Be here and now. Face your fears, face what you know is true. Carry the weight consciously. You carry it anyway even if you think you have successfully fled from it and hidden yourself in the various pleasures rewarded to you by this world and this society for successfully denying your conscience. Your conscience which is a truer survival instinct than herd mentality mind you. Good luck with madness. I'm sure that will work out. For you and everyone else. Good luck with that.
In reality, how much of a choice do we have? Between accepting that yes I am God, and no I am not God, I am this stricken isolated self. Well it depends on who you are. Maybe we always have the power to do whatever we wish. How many of us will use it if things remain as they are now? Where perhaps the most dominant conscious force is egoic consciousness? I think in reality, we won't make the choice to do otherwise until the reality of Godhead is much more apparent. Which thankfully, it is becoming. Thanks to all of us, slowly chipping away at the web of Maya and to the big guns in the Sky, making waves with super-love. They are like, "I fucking love you, stop being a dolt, you have infinite power, I touch you in the brains." And then they touch you in the brains with angel's wings and give you funny inspirations that cascade into impossibly life changing currents. Bespoken by the God's bitches! They be workin us. Just fuckin sky playas. Like flip, tip. Damn son. Wakin souls bitches. Basically....
Alright. I'm done. Merlin Out!!
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