Presence #4

     I have been very afraid lately. It has been really painful. I feel like I am looking through a veil of darkness. Fear overwhelms me. I feel perhaps numb. The world seems sharp and full of violent enemies. I am doubtful and I imagine terrifying circumstances. I am upset. My body feels tense, upset, clotted, angry, and opaque. This somehow feels more real. Anxiety strikes me swiftly and sharply, terrorizing my mind and sickening my body. I think what is good is largely obscured. I sort of don't care that it is. I sort of don't care what is happening at all. The world seems kind of annoying, like I don't fit in and it tries to stick to me in ways that I find uncomfortable. I can't help trying to fit in in ways that I don't like. I find much of how we interact to be superficial and undesirable. As long as I can let it flow over me without getting too attached to it, it doesn't bother me. At this point it seems more like decoration and filling and much less harmful. A human custom or means to communicate through and with. I long to rest in the background as the world passes by. Not stuck on vanity, emotion, or thoughts. Not fixated on anything. Open, exposed and non-existent. Dead to myself. I think our culture has a problem of being over-active and too quick to jump to conclusions. Too quick to get involved. Too concerned about who we are. I don't even want to call it a problem because to heed my own critique our hyper-activeness isn't something I need to be overly concerned about. I am worried about dying and I am afraid of losing my point of reference. I don't think it matters though, in a way. The world is a passing dream. A floating cloud. Much of what I fear I need to save isn't worth saving. I am afraid of letting in fall when in reality there is nothing I can do to prevent it from falling, from ending. I simply exist with what is here now until it passes away. What I am trying to save is my delusory relationship with the world that keeps my ego safe. That keeps me from being burned. I want to preserve the gilded cage. A cage that is even more insubstantial than this world. The cage actually keeps me burning, to let the cage burn is to be free from the anxieties of conditioned thinking. 

     What is my duty to this world? How do I want to interact with it? What do I want to leave behind when I too pass away into dust and memory? What is worth communicating and teaching? What isn't?

The truth is, I believe. I find that nearly all of us are almost always lost in delusion. The ways we go about trying to fix our problems are imperfect and blind. They don't work because they don't solve the underlying problem. A problem which doesn't exist outside our imaginations and feelings. As long as we are identified with the self, we will create our own demons. We will perpetuate hell on Earth. We must die to ourselves to free ourselves. As long as we are lost in the conditioning of the ego, we will not feel fully alive, we will live in torment, however subtle. It is this subtle ego that is so destructive. It forever plants seeds of self-annihilation. Maybe the best thing I can do is not to teach at all. 

     Passing on notions of whimsical realities and responsibilities seems narcissistic and completely unrooted in anything real. I find it difficult to even speak in a way that is free of this. I want to see a world in which people experience genuine joy regularly. In a quiet way that doesn't need attention from others, that doesn't need to continue. I want life to pass as it does for leaves on a tree through the seasons. At this moment, life seems to be such a mystery. So unknowable. So terrifyingly quiet and nonexistent. Time to fall down. Fall with the leaves. Allow myself to be quiet and still as I fall apart on the ground and return to the soil. The funny thing is that I am attached, I am blind. I do care. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. I hate seeing people be so stupid. I wish people would be smarter. I wish they could see more clearly. I wish they made less mistakes. It makes me feel insane watching people burn themselves alive. I often feel helpless to do anything about it. It's infuriating. I feel like I should do something, but I often don't react quickly and intelligently enough to do anything that feels substantial. And I hate myself for it. It's terrible. I often feel caught up in constant blunder, helpless to be wise. And I just want to scream, but I am too afraid to. Too afraid to give someone the wrong idea, meanwhile my soul is tearing itself to pieces and I feel like I am going insane. I actually am and have been going a little insane. We all have. It seems like so many of us are so overwhelmed we are going crazy. It's terrible. It's fucking terrible. I just want to love everyone and often I feel so messed up inside. I am so upset by the way some of our leaders are acting. It seems so reckless and demonic. They seem so lost. So disconnected from what is good. So unaware of how they are blind, how they are wrong. There actions are literally killing us and dividing us. They are so scared though. So afraid of change. So incapable of being anything other than what they are. Most people don't realize how blind they are and the ways in which they are blind. It's incredible for me right now to witness such blindness when I see so much good that can be done. It is terrible watching it and feeling powerless to stop it. I only have so much water to put out fires. 

     My trouble is that I am afraid of what will happen if darkness tears the world apart. I am afraid of democracy dying. I am afraid of fascism rising and I am afraid of the terror that could reign in the streets if things get worse. I am terrified of Americans fighting against each other because of boiled over rage and hysteria. I am afraid that evil will win. It's terrifying and depressing. It makes me forget all of the good in the world and makes me feel like I am going to lose control. I wonder how I am going to support myself financially or even if there is going to be a place for me to live where I feel safe and comfortable. What I forget is that evil cannot wholly conquer good. It can tear away at the world, but God will always be untouchable. And our souls always have a place with God. Our minds are always free of evil if we can overcome delusion. It's ok if we don't save the world. I feel so god damn guilty. I judge myself so harshly, probably because I am so afraid. It just makes me feel worse. I have this feeling that tells me it's ok. It shines light in my life even when I am surrounded by darkness. I feel a sense of purpose, I feel safe and I feel good. This feeling is so reassuring when things seem to be so scary. This feeling feels more real than any of my negative feelings and perspectives. It just feels loving and wholesome. I want everyone to feel this way. I want to be guided by this. I have found it hard to do so when the world seems so unsafe and uncertain. When darkness feels so close and foreboding. 

     We can get through this wave of uneasiness. We can overcome. We can keep the faith. We can transform. We can love and do good. We can be whole and be inspired. God is always with us. We are always with each other. Love will find a way. Underneath we are all brothers and sisters, unified in Light and love. Have faith. Have courage. I believe in you.