Living in the here and now. Whatever this means. So many thoughts running through my head, like streams of wind blowing through the trees. Except its word wind blowing through my mind. So many feeling too erupting in my consciousness. In my body. Bringing me consciousness. Bringing me deeper awareness. More intricate plays of color and light, feeling ricocheting in my being. In my awareness. Like ping pong balls. Morphing ping pong balls. Is their a place beyond what I feel now?
Am I blind? I feel like my eyes are barely open to witnessing the entirety of what is happening around me. It's really an incredible dance. Lol. So amazing. To witness it and simultaneously be apart of it. What we call ourselves and how we see the world. Lights bouncing around in our awareness. Coloring our experience like fireworks. We call it our own, they seem more like visitors now. Coming and going as they like. Here for awhile then off again. They always bring something different and new. It is this novelty that is so refreshing and stimulating. I think it is what we often miss. We are fixated on certain ideas and ways of doing things, we miss the novelty arriving in us this moment. The sheer novelty of the entirety of our experience. Totally brand new. How exciting. We are this dance. Even in our dullness we are alive. Our dullness is as rich as butter. Exquisite dullness. The whole universe is teeming with life. Everywhere rich. Exuberant. Alive. Everywhere richness and abundance. We don't see this, yet we are this. We are overflowing with life. Everything, everywhere. Incredible. Everything is rich. Everywhere is full. Overflowing.
We are the source of life. Every word is the source of life. Wow. We live in the imagination of a lack. Within us is the imagination of abundance. Within us we are infinitely rich. Life is infinitely abundant. It seems like seeing this would make life abundant on Earth. I think it's all perspective. Life is always abundant on Earth. But, some of it is dying because of the way we imagine things. The way we feel about ourselves, about the world. I think if we could see the infinite abundance within ourselves, we would stop destroying the world, and the world would become more abundant. Life would multiply. Think about the beauty of the natural world. Dolphins and forests. All of the animals and plants and trees. This is the abundance of life. We are apart of this. Our spirit is one with this. How we see the world affects the spirit of the world. In our blindness we kill the spirit of the world. We kill the life of the world. In our clarity we allow the flow of life to spring forth wherever we set our eyes. We become kindred spirits of the Earth. We become divine gardeners. The richness and the spirit of life flows through us always. In our blindness and negativity, and in our sight and our joy. It is a creative spirit. It creates through us. It creates the cosmos through us. It is good. Even when we live in shadow and darkness. I think all life is good. Even the hate. I think all life is rich and free and careful. It is all sweet even in it's bitterness.
Peace!
Wednesday, April 8, 2020
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
Journal Entry # 7 Getting centered, anxious mind, waking up
What to do today? I feel slightly off, as I usually do in the morning. I don't have what feels like a good plan or a good center. Last night before I went to sleep I had the thought that their is no other way for life to be. Everything we want for ourselves or imagine is imaginary. I was thinking that their is just this indescribable moment that we live in. It is the entirety of what is and their is nothing else. This is it right now. Their is no better or worse, just this. And seeing that made me feel good. It was like I was dreaming before then, struggling for no reason. Anxiously being. Maybe I don't need to be a better person. Maybe what would really bring me peace would be to stop struggling. Maybe slightly off is being totally on. This is just how life is.
Right now I feel tightness in my chest. Its like I'm trying to do something instead of doing anything, because I think I need to do something. I'm anxious and acting from a place of conditioned being. This place will always keep me unsettled. For this to quiet and for something else to blossom is true peace. It may not even be peace, it is just no longer living in delusion. To calm the anxious mind and the anxious body. To try and do this may be an extension of it. The thought that it is bad is anxiety. Self defense, agitation and worry. The doing mind. I guess I think their is a way out, maybe their is not. I don't think their is. This is just how I am right now. This is life happening. Should I try and stop pain from happening? Should I work on engendering positive flow? Is their even positive and negative flow? Maybe the whole ambition of being positive is an illusion. It is based on the supposition that their is a difference between positive and negative. I think this may be an illusion. I know that the anxiety that drives us to be positive is merely a perpetuation of the same negativity your trying to avoid. Can I be negative? Can I allow myself to be worried. I think instead of trying to avoid it, the better option is to feel it more deeply. To allow myself to experience it consciously. This sounds good. I think during the day I am often trying to avoid how I feel, how I am. Trying to escape the dark corner of my mind I frequently inhabit. I never leave it because I never leave it. I don't face how I feel, how I am right now. I think I am going towards light, but I am remaining on the outskirts where I am barely seen, to avoid being seen. The anxious mind. The faux achiever, the faux successful person with all their activities. The anxious mind that can't sit still with itself, the nightmare, the dreamer. Do less do more. Be less be more. The way forward is not out but here where I am. It is alive. Strangely alive. I've been so anxious for so long.
We are drowning in a whirlwind of thoughts. Thoughts about this, thoughts about that. We are asleep in our waking state. Asleep in our incessant thinking. We think about the way things are. We don't experience them. Always asleep, never awake. We run around thinking we are doing important things, we are doing nothing. We have been doing nothing our whole lives. The whole world is asleep. The whole world is suffocating. Struggling to breathe. Do do do, think think think. Many of us don't even feel. Less of us even are. We live in this vacuum of beliefs. We think and think and think we need to be different. We rearrange and rearrange our minds over and over again with urgent anxious thoughts. They all just hold us in the coma of nonbeing. It's this mass nonbeing gravity well or karmic field that nearly all of us are basically completely caught up in. A massive net of anxious thinking, of ego. Of not seeing lol. It's a positive feed-back loop. We think we're growing out of it, yet we just replace object of our ego with something else. It's still egoic, just more refined. I guess we do slowly wake up out of this ego net through this process of refinement, it's just bewildering to realize how subtle it is, to step out of it for the first time and realize the way the world actually is. It's like their is stillness and then their is the rambling chaos of the human world. It's fucking weird. I guess it's totally natural. But, right now it's quite odd. Quite odd indeed.
I still get sucked in so easily, and I am not quite out all of the way, if their is such a thing. I am just beginning to get a grip on the realization that the way I have been going is not the way I want to be going at all. I have been trying to stop for such a long time. I perceived the truth at the bottom of the big lake without knowing what it was. I only knew it intuitively through the dark and cold deep waters. I knew I had to jump out of the row boat and swim into the depths to find it. I had to do the impossible. And I didn't know the way, I just knew that I had to get going. To know that you life is upside down and inside out, but to only have the tools of the upside down and inside out to get you downside up and outside in. Pretty trippy.
Slowly awakening. I'm discombobulated much of the time. My body chemistry suffers from this. My sleep is off, my energy is jammed and twisted up. My body doesn't know what to do. The programs are half re-written. It's trying to use the old code and it just doesn't work. It spins the rest of the body out of control. And the new code isn't strong enough to set the old code into shape. The people around me are so loud in themselves. Their ego's are screaming. It makes mine scream. I really want to work on quieting my mind. I have to be very careful, because I am so sensitive the the energy content of my surroundings. I need peace and quiet to grow. To nurture the sun. I also need to be careful of my ego getting in the way. It like to play God. It's a complete idiot. Lol. To learn how to go about my business and stay centered. To be kind and spacious, participating yet unmoved. I think this is the way to go. Where I can actively pursue bettering myself, while being mindful of the serious debilitating effects of the ego. To remain for the most part outside of it's influence. To live outside of the ego without running away from life. I cannot run to far away and I cannot remain to close inside. I must find a balance. I feel confident that I can do this.
The ego may be a complete idiot, but it's an idiot that I am. I am egoic. This is the truth. I want things and a denial of this is the ego wanting other things. Neglecting the ego will not bring balance in my life. Neither will giving it full reign. Both are unpleasant and unsettling. I do wish to be present. I do wish to be kind. I think I do wish to achieve things. The answer is balance through mindfulness, it's not black and white. This is just delusional thinking. Sleeping thinking. The answer is living awareness. And I don't know where this will go. I just know where I am now. This is the key, the balance of the present. The sense and wisdom in regard to thought and action right now. I think this is where the sensation of being awake comes from. It comes from a balance of awareness and a balance of the senses. This balance allows us to sense the wholeness of the universe. This allows us to be awake.
I learn what is right through what is wrong. I learn what is here and I learn to see through living in darkness. The key is to find a balance between light and dark. We grow through the unknown, but too much of it is dangerous, unsettling. The balance of light and dark is presence and being. Joy and love. We can love the terrain we pass through instead of feeling threatened by it. I think this is what I am trying to find in my own life. A joyful balance of the various pulls on my being. A balance and integration of them into one feeling. It feels to me like their are so many of them that this is difficult. When I reach to integrate one, another falls away. When I reach for that one perhaps the one I just brought into the fold strays again. Lol perhaps this is what my tarot reading suggested in the various appearances of the wands. Some in front and some behind. I guess this is perhaps the root of my desire. To unify the various aspects of my will. To master the fiery energies of life because they have been wreaking havoc on my life. They feel split and uncontrolled. The drive me to exercise and train when part of me wonders if all this is egoic. I think it does become too egoic and unbalancing. Perhaps I can use the will and the ego in a successful way without becoming lost in anxiety. If their is a key. It is finding the right balance between the poles. Perhaps it is a delusion to think that I will soon have them under reasonable control. To believe I will have a healthy grasp over my life.
This makes me wonder if their is some kind of healthy balance I can strike with being and ego. With letting go of the anxious mind and being ambitions. Can this balance be good? Or is the ambition entirely a fiction? Is the ambition a temporary facet of being egoic, more so is it a temporary facet of my life. Is it going to pass away in the coming months as I continue to wake up from egoic consciousness? I think I am trying to properly orient myself. Do I stop completely or do I keep on trying, keep on training, keep on willing? The shift from day to night seems like the ambition is a complete joke. Maybe it is, but maybe that doesn't mean that it will go away.
This blog continues on this audio recording:
Right now I feel tightness in my chest. Its like I'm trying to do something instead of doing anything, because I think I need to do something. I'm anxious and acting from a place of conditioned being. This place will always keep me unsettled. For this to quiet and for something else to blossom is true peace. It may not even be peace, it is just no longer living in delusion. To calm the anxious mind and the anxious body. To try and do this may be an extension of it. The thought that it is bad is anxiety. Self defense, agitation and worry. The doing mind. I guess I think their is a way out, maybe their is not. I don't think their is. This is just how I am right now. This is life happening. Should I try and stop pain from happening? Should I work on engendering positive flow? Is their even positive and negative flow? Maybe the whole ambition of being positive is an illusion. It is based on the supposition that their is a difference between positive and negative. I think this may be an illusion. I know that the anxiety that drives us to be positive is merely a perpetuation of the same negativity your trying to avoid. Can I be negative? Can I allow myself to be worried. I think instead of trying to avoid it, the better option is to feel it more deeply. To allow myself to experience it consciously. This sounds good. I think during the day I am often trying to avoid how I feel, how I am. Trying to escape the dark corner of my mind I frequently inhabit. I never leave it because I never leave it. I don't face how I feel, how I am right now. I think I am going towards light, but I am remaining on the outskirts where I am barely seen, to avoid being seen. The anxious mind. The faux achiever, the faux successful person with all their activities. The anxious mind that can't sit still with itself, the nightmare, the dreamer. Do less do more. Be less be more. The way forward is not out but here where I am. It is alive. Strangely alive. I've been so anxious for so long.
We are drowning in a whirlwind of thoughts. Thoughts about this, thoughts about that. We are asleep in our waking state. Asleep in our incessant thinking. We think about the way things are. We don't experience them. Always asleep, never awake. We run around thinking we are doing important things, we are doing nothing. We have been doing nothing our whole lives. The whole world is asleep. The whole world is suffocating. Struggling to breathe. Do do do, think think think. Many of us don't even feel. Less of us even are. We live in this vacuum of beliefs. We think and think and think we need to be different. We rearrange and rearrange our minds over and over again with urgent anxious thoughts. They all just hold us in the coma of nonbeing. It's this mass nonbeing gravity well or karmic field that nearly all of us are basically completely caught up in. A massive net of anxious thinking, of ego. Of not seeing lol. It's a positive feed-back loop. We think we're growing out of it, yet we just replace object of our ego with something else. It's still egoic, just more refined. I guess we do slowly wake up out of this ego net through this process of refinement, it's just bewildering to realize how subtle it is, to step out of it for the first time and realize the way the world actually is. It's like their is stillness and then their is the rambling chaos of the human world. It's fucking weird. I guess it's totally natural. But, right now it's quite odd. Quite odd indeed.
I still get sucked in so easily, and I am not quite out all of the way, if their is such a thing. I am just beginning to get a grip on the realization that the way I have been going is not the way I want to be going at all. I have been trying to stop for such a long time. I perceived the truth at the bottom of the big lake without knowing what it was. I only knew it intuitively through the dark and cold deep waters. I knew I had to jump out of the row boat and swim into the depths to find it. I had to do the impossible. And I didn't know the way, I just knew that I had to get going. To know that you life is upside down and inside out, but to only have the tools of the upside down and inside out to get you downside up and outside in. Pretty trippy.
Slowly awakening. I'm discombobulated much of the time. My body chemistry suffers from this. My sleep is off, my energy is jammed and twisted up. My body doesn't know what to do. The programs are half re-written. It's trying to use the old code and it just doesn't work. It spins the rest of the body out of control. And the new code isn't strong enough to set the old code into shape. The people around me are so loud in themselves. Their ego's are screaming. It makes mine scream. I really want to work on quieting my mind. I have to be very careful, because I am so sensitive the the energy content of my surroundings. I need peace and quiet to grow. To nurture the sun. I also need to be careful of my ego getting in the way. It like to play God. It's a complete idiot. Lol. To learn how to go about my business and stay centered. To be kind and spacious, participating yet unmoved. I think this is the way to go. Where I can actively pursue bettering myself, while being mindful of the serious debilitating effects of the ego. To remain for the most part outside of it's influence. To live outside of the ego without running away from life. I cannot run to far away and I cannot remain to close inside. I must find a balance. I feel confident that I can do this.
The ego may be a complete idiot, but it's an idiot that I am. I am egoic. This is the truth. I want things and a denial of this is the ego wanting other things. Neglecting the ego will not bring balance in my life. Neither will giving it full reign. Both are unpleasant and unsettling. I do wish to be present. I do wish to be kind. I think I do wish to achieve things. The answer is balance through mindfulness, it's not black and white. This is just delusional thinking. Sleeping thinking. The answer is living awareness. And I don't know where this will go. I just know where I am now. This is the key, the balance of the present. The sense and wisdom in regard to thought and action right now. I think this is where the sensation of being awake comes from. It comes from a balance of awareness and a balance of the senses. This balance allows us to sense the wholeness of the universe. This allows us to be awake.
I learn what is right through what is wrong. I learn what is here and I learn to see through living in darkness. The key is to find a balance between light and dark. We grow through the unknown, but too much of it is dangerous, unsettling. The balance of light and dark is presence and being. Joy and love. We can love the terrain we pass through instead of feeling threatened by it. I think this is what I am trying to find in my own life. A joyful balance of the various pulls on my being. A balance and integration of them into one feeling. It feels to me like their are so many of them that this is difficult. When I reach to integrate one, another falls away. When I reach for that one perhaps the one I just brought into the fold strays again. Lol perhaps this is what my tarot reading suggested in the various appearances of the wands. Some in front and some behind. I guess this is perhaps the root of my desire. To unify the various aspects of my will. To master the fiery energies of life because they have been wreaking havoc on my life. They feel split and uncontrolled. The drive me to exercise and train when part of me wonders if all this is egoic. I think it does become too egoic and unbalancing. Perhaps I can use the will and the ego in a successful way without becoming lost in anxiety. If their is a key. It is finding the right balance between the poles. Perhaps it is a delusion to think that I will soon have them under reasonable control. To believe I will have a healthy grasp over my life.
This makes me wonder if their is some kind of healthy balance I can strike with being and ego. With letting go of the anxious mind and being ambitions. Can this balance be good? Or is the ambition entirely a fiction? Is the ambition a temporary facet of being egoic, more so is it a temporary facet of my life. Is it going to pass away in the coming months as I continue to wake up from egoic consciousness? I think I am trying to properly orient myself. Do I stop completely or do I keep on trying, keep on training, keep on willing? The shift from day to night seems like the ambition is a complete joke. Maybe it is, but maybe that doesn't mean that it will go away.
This blog continues on this audio recording:
Monday, April 6, 2020
Journal # 6 Desire for God, Is God Eternal?, Positive Relationships
This is it.
Ok. Walk myself out of this one again. Don't feel like I've been awake all day. Not that the day has been too challenging. Just haven't been on point. How do I get on point form the beginning of the day. That's how I want to be. So far its been elusive. Seems like it takes me all day to warm up. If I do warm up at all. I think the late evenings are when I am most awake. It's like my energies are turned in on themselves in the morning and during the day. The spike of a drive that I am looking for never happens. I've been in the dark for years. Wow. Crazy to realize this and see a potential way out of it. I have been overwhelmed for so many years. Under siege. Felt like I was on my last legs. The possibility of escape or success wasn't really a possibility. Now I can see it on the horizon. I can see the blade I need to forge to cut through this mess. To be free. My deepest goal is complete liberation from delusion. Total transcendence of self. This is all that I live for. All I really care about. To be enlightened. To be perfect.
I've been trying to break this painful pressure in my forehead for years now. It seems to come through my forehead and, if strong enough, spread through my chest and gut and cripple my body. My bodily flow that is. It makes me catatonic. Immobilized. Fear and chaotic energy overwhelming my consciousness and the healthy intelligence of my body system. I've been hit by a subtle tsunami everyday, drowning and sputtering struggling for air and dry land. It keeps on being crushed by waves. I've had to become the ocean to survive. Let go of who I was. Become a titan. All I want to do now is live in perfect unity. To untegrate all of the parts of my being into one fabric. To master the energies of life. To master myself. My feelings, my instincts, my impulses, my life force. Merge my being entirely in the divine. Become completely one with God. This is my single desire. This is what I long for when I am submerged underneath the waves. This is what I wish to be born. The process itself is what I desire. I wish it to flow and flourish. To flower and triumph over my weaknesses. To erase and eradicate them in fiery light.
I am afraid of defeat. I am afraid of darkness. I am afraid of suffering. I just want to go deeper. I wish to stand tall in myself and explore the workings of the innerverse with my hands. With my consciousness. I am so excited about this. My heart leaps for this. Jumps out of my chest. I am learning how to create the path to this end. Focus. I need to see my goal and I need to be able to be inspired by it. My body and my being has to be open to it. I need to prepare myself for this. This is my one true aim. This is what I forget about over and over again. This is the life that we seek. The life that we have. To merge with God. The desire and goal of the soul. Whether or not it is illusory, it is the nature of the soul and it is apart of our lives. I wish to shake off the shackles of my being and merge with this. My fear holds me back. My love pulls me forward. I must learn to discern between foolishness and wisdom to an extent that I avoid most of the pitfalls I encounter today. Desire is so temporary. To be where I am is so beautiful. To see what I see. It feels like grace, but I think we may misunderstand this word. The power of grace is equal to that of darkness. We live for a time in both. Both blossom on the same tree. My question is, is their eternal life? Do our souls live forever? Is grace everlasting? Life feels like a series of structures within structures. We grow through and out of them into bigger and broader structures that contain all of the previous structure we inhabited. Like nesting dolls. I wonder if God and grace are eternal in this way. Forever being stages or structures of life. Will God always be our heart? I believe God is life. But I do not believe that life is everything. I think we can pass beyond what we know as life into a place beyond comprehension, perhaps even beyond being. And before life, their is void. Nothingness. I think perhaps God will always be life, God will always be who we are. We may forget, or pass beyond. But God will always be life. God will always be what is. What a wonderful universe. So much bigger than we imagine when we are lost in our personal strife. I just want to reside in the bliss of this wonder forever. Spiral deeper into it. Deeper into myself. So content in this. This love is perfect and it is mine. Perfectly my own. My own creation my own life. To be one. To be triumphant over darkness. To master temptation, even to be well on the way. Wonderful wonderful. I rejoice in the fulfillment of myself. In victory of Light over darkness. In being over gray and struggle. In strength of being, strength of character and luminous wisdom of divine presence. Divine being in the here and now. So wonderful. My home. Boss. Lol
This is what happens when you return to blogging after a prolonged absence. You get incensed. By ulterior perfumage. Lol oh my goodness.
I was gonna write about something. Aha I renember. I reNember perfectly. Ya, being kind n'stuff. I want to work more on acting and speaking from a place of kindness. I feel like I arrive at this desire and I'm like, omg, this is so obvious, this is totally something I really want to do. This would solve a lot of my problems. Then I sort of forget about it and get into this rough red sort of mean energy. No bueno. Do a lot of stuff that isn't important or what I actually want to do. I have this super clear joyful vision of how I will step away from all that harsh stuff through mindfulness, carefulness and feeling. It's like a deeper way of interrelating. More thoughtful, more conscious, more grounded. More communication. More intentionality. All this compared to being reactive, impulsive, hostile, taking things personally. etc. To me it feels like taking a step towards my goals, being more responsible, thoughtful, reasonable and more connected to myself. A place where I can avoid and outgrow a lot of problems. I feel like now I really now how to be kind and thoughtful. Like I know how to have healthy relationships. More than this, I think I know how to be myself. Still not exactly what I want to say...I can be genuine, present, not incur darkness or negative karma. I can maneuver without getting touched essentially. Have perfect relationships. This is something I need to cultivate, but I feel like it has sprouted in my consciousness. Move without creating ripples on the surface of the water. Essentially, do the right thing. Right speech, right action, right thought. Here we are. Not step into conflict. Be at peace, Be at rest. We think we need to try hard, think a lot, do a lot in our relationships. Or have them be a certain way. Really we need to be at rest within when we interrelate to have positive relationships. We need to let go of people being or acting a certain way, let the relationships be as they are, let go. Let go of effort. If we can simply be fully present and uncompromising in ourselves we will generate peace and accord. People will feel safe to express themselves and they will be listened to. The dharma will be heard and will be alive in the home and in the air around you. Perhaps the key is not to have perfect relationships, but to have present relationships, awake relationships. These are real relationships between people. They have ups and downs. But you are awake while you go through them. I think through this you can overcome a lot of the problems that can arise in relationships. Being fully conscious, fully awake right now...
I got a lot of heat in my body. It's hot! GotTo go somewhere. GotTo channel it somewhere. GotTo build stuff. In the process of bettering myself, I'm gonna get knocked down a lot. So..I'm gonna need to get back up a lot and keep on going. This is just going to happen. But, it's gonna get easier and easier (I think lol) I hope. I think...I'm so excited to go deeper into my energies and into the organization of my being. To create such a powerful harmony of being that I transcend much of the obstacles and troubles of being human. I want this so bad. To master my physicality. To master my energy, to master my being. To be deeply conscious of the complex subtle energies of life. Deeply conscious and deeply immersed and harmonized with them. To have my consciousness flowing in all directions simultaneously, harmoniously, with the whole world, the whole universe. Right now. Just to be out of the pain so I can experience this more. Into it more so it is more effortless. But, I don't want to give up trying. I love experimenting, I love pushing myself, I love bathing in fire. I want to fly like a rocket. So excited.
I am here. I am now. I am the whole universe being born now. I am all of this. I am all of movement. I am
So, how do I be peace in the morning? Is this something I can expect from myself right now? I don't think so, I might be years away. Damn. This sucks. I guess I sort of have to struggle for a while. I am going to make the most of my suffering. I am going to do my darnest to avoid unnecessary conflict. To be at peace, to be present and to tune into my dreams. I am going to focus everyday on bettering myself. Opening up doors. Having a great life. Overcoming hurdles. Be as free as I possibly can be. Because this is all I have. I might not make it to where I want to be. But I will make it to right now. I will always make it here. I always have this. I want to be alive here.
Ok. Walk myself out of this one again. Don't feel like I've been awake all day. Not that the day has been too challenging. Just haven't been on point. How do I get on point form the beginning of the day. That's how I want to be. So far its been elusive. Seems like it takes me all day to warm up. If I do warm up at all. I think the late evenings are when I am most awake. It's like my energies are turned in on themselves in the morning and during the day. The spike of a drive that I am looking for never happens. I've been in the dark for years. Wow. Crazy to realize this and see a potential way out of it. I have been overwhelmed for so many years. Under siege. Felt like I was on my last legs. The possibility of escape or success wasn't really a possibility. Now I can see it on the horizon. I can see the blade I need to forge to cut through this mess. To be free. My deepest goal is complete liberation from delusion. Total transcendence of self. This is all that I live for. All I really care about. To be enlightened. To be perfect.
I've been trying to break this painful pressure in my forehead for years now. It seems to come through my forehead and, if strong enough, spread through my chest and gut and cripple my body. My bodily flow that is. It makes me catatonic. Immobilized. Fear and chaotic energy overwhelming my consciousness and the healthy intelligence of my body system. I've been hit by a subtle tsunami everyday, drowning and sputtering struggling for air and dry land. It keeps on being crushed by waves. I've had to become the ocean to survive. Let go of who I was. Become a titan. All I want to do now is live in perfect unity. To untegrate all of the parts of my being into one fabric. To master the energies of life. To master myself. My feelings, my instincts, my impulses, my life force. Merge my being entirely in the divine. Become completely one with God. This is my single desire. This is what I long for when I am submerged underneath the waves. This is what I wish to be born. The process itself is what I desire. I wish it to flow and flourish. To flower and triumph over my weaknesses. To erase and eradicate them in fiery light.
I am afraid of defeat. I am afraid of darkness. I am afraid of suffering. I just want to go deeper. I wish to stand tall in myself and explore the workings of the innerverse with my hands. With my consciousness. I am so excited about this. My heart leaps for this. Jumps out of my chest. I am learning how to create the path to this end. Focus. I need to see my goal and I need to be able to be inspired by it. My body and my being has to be open to it. I need to prepare myself for this. This is my one true aim. This is what I forget about over and over again. This is the life that we seek. The life that we have. To merge with God. The desire and goal of the soul. Whether or not it is illusory, it is the nature of the soul and it is apart of our lives. I wish to shake off the shackles of my being and merge with this. My fear holds me back. My love pulls me forward. I must learn to discern between foolishness and wisdom to an extent that I avoid most of the pitfalls I encounter today. Desire is so temporary. To be where I am is so beautiful. To see what I see. It feels like grace, but I think we may misunderstand this word. The power of grace is equal to that of darkness. We live for a time in both. Both blossom on the same tree. My question is, is their eternal life? Do our souls live forever? Is grace everlasting? Life feels like a series of structures within structures. We grow through and out of them into bigger and broader structures that contain all of the previous structure we inhabited. Like nesting dolls. I wonder if God and grace are eternal in this way. Forever being stages or structures of life. Will God always be our heart? I believe God is life. But I do not believe that life is everything. I think we can pass beyond what we know as life into a place beyond comprehension, perhaps even beyond being. And before life, their is void. Nothingness. I think perhaps God will always be life, God will always be who we are. We may forget, or pass beyond. But God will always be life. God will always be what is. What a wonderful universe. So much bigger than we imagine when we are lost in our personal strife. I just want to reside in the bliss of this wonder forever. Spiral deeper into it. Deeper into myself. So content in this. This love is perfect and it is mine. Perfectly my own. My own creation my own life. To be one. To be triumphant over darkness. To master temptation, even to be well on the way. Wonderful wonderful. I rejoice in the fulfillment of myself. In victory of Light over darkness. In being over gray and struggle. In strength of being, strength of character and luminous wisdom of divine presence. Divine being in the here and now. So wonderful. My home. Boss. Lol
This is what happens when you return to blogging after a prolonged absence. You get incensed. By ulterior perfumage. Lol oh my goodness.
I was gonna write about something. Aha I renember. I reNember perfectly. Ya, being kind n'stuff. I want to work more on acting and speaking from a place of kindness. I feel like I arrive at this desire and I'm like, omg, this is so obvious, this is totally something I really want to do. This would solve a lot of my problems. Then I sort of forget about it and get into this rough red sort of mean energy. No bueno. Do a lot of stuff that isn't important or what I actually want to do. I have this super clear joyful vision of how I will step away from all that harsh stuff through mindfulness, carefulness and feeling. It's like a deeper way of interrelating. More thoughtful, more conscious, more grounded. More communication. More intentionality. All this compared to being reactive, impulsive, hostile, taking things personally. etc. To me it feels like taking a step towards my goals, being more responsible, thoughtful, reasonable and more connected to myself. A place where I can avoid and outgrow a lot of problems. I feel like now I really now how to be kind and thoughtful. Like I know how to have healthy relationships. More than this, I think I know how to be myself. Still not exactly what I want to say...I can be genuine, present, not incur darkness or negative karma. I can maneuver without getting touched essentially. Have perfect relationships. This is something I need to cultivate, but I feel like it has sprouted in my consciousness. Move without creating ripples on the surface of the water. Essentially, do the right thing. Right speech, right action, right thought. Here we are. Not step into conflict. Be at peace, Be at rest. We think we need to try hard, think a lot, do a lot in our relationships. Or have them be a certain way. Really we need to be at rest within when we interrelate to have positive relationships. We need to let go of people being or acting a certain way, let the relationships be as they are, let go. Let go of effort. If we can simply be fully present and uncompromising in ourselves we will generate peace and accord. People will feel safe to express themselves and they will be listened to. The dharma will be heard and will be alive in the home and in the air around you. Perhaps the key is not to have perfect relationships, but to have present relationships, awake relationships. These are real relationships between people. They have ups and downs. But you are awake while you go through them. I think through this you can overcome a lot of the problems that can arise in relationships. Being fully conscious, fully awake right now...
I got a lot of heat in my body. It's hot! GotTo go somewhere. GotTo channel it somewhere. GotTo build stuff. In the process of bettering myself, I'm gonna get knocked down a lot. So..I'm gonna need to get back up a lot and keep on going. This is just going to happen. But, it's gonna get easier and easier (I think lol) I hope. I think...I'm so excited to go deeper into my energies and into the organization of my being. To create such a powerful harmony of being that I transcend much of the obstacles and troubles of being human. I want this so bad. To master my physicality. To master my energy, to master my being. To be deeply conscious of the complex subtle energies of life. Deeply conscious and deeply immersed and harmonized with them. To have my consciousness flowing in all directions simultaneously, harmoniously, with the whole world, the whole universe. Right now. Just to be out of the pain so I can experience this more. Into it more so it is more effortless. But, I don't want to give up trying. I love experimenting, I love pushing myself, I love bathing in fire. I want to fly like a rocket. So excited.
I am here. I am now. I am the whole universe being born now. I am all of this. I am all of movement. I am
So, how do I be peace in the morning? Is this something I can expect from myself right now? I don't think so, I might be years away. Damn. This sucks. I guess I sort of have to struggle for a while. I am going to make the most of my suffering. I am going to do my darnest to avoid unnecessary conflict. To be at peace, to be present and to tune into my dreams. I am going to focus everyday on bettering myself. Opening up doors. Having a great life. Overcoming hurdles. Be as free as I possibly can be. Because this is all I have. I might not make it to where I want to be. But I will make it to right now. I will always make it here. I always have this. I want to be alive here.
Sunday, April 5, 2020
Journal Entry #5 Not ok. Ok. Okay...(breathe)
I don't think I can do anything right away. I have to slowly build my way out of this hole. One of the main problems is lack of consciousness. Trying to build with mud. Doesn't work very well.
I've fallen again into the shadow. Into negativity. Into what feels like powerlessness. Into fear and running, trying to find somewhere safe. I feel like an idiot. Black white black white. The transition can be so quiet that I suddenly find myself asleep and buried again. Where'd all this sand come from? I'm scared? Why am I so scared? What happened? Just doing stuff at home and the floor slips out right from underneath me. Choices. Habits.
I get so scared. It's a blinding fear, so afraid I can hardly find it. It's hiding away in shrieking silence. Then I get so joyful I forget about it. Ha, so ridiculous. Its these up and downs that are so discombobulating. Whipping back and forth between two very different worlds.
I guess I lost control. I got pissed off because my grandma was being really defiant when I was helping her go to the bathroom. Then I sort of madly cleaned the downstairs bathroom. I forgot myself. I forgot the ground. I don't think I was standing on much of it to begin with, hence falling quickly. When I was down I felt like I was a failure. Ha. Classical music and blogging have saved me. I still feel sluggish, I have for years.
Be positive, stay centered. Only engage in positive ways true to my heart. Stay on track, stay focused. Establish a coherent and manageable vision. The vision is key to success. Without it I am lost and blind. Alone in terror and despair. The vision must be true. And I am done with much of my blundering. Build a strong foundation in health and my security on this planet. Essentially focus on myself as much as possible. Constructive selfishness. I think this is the way forward for humans. We have to take care of our own shit so we don't spill it on each other. So we can be trustworthy and strong. Able bodied. We can't just find God. We have to find ourselves. We have to be human beings. Recognize our weaknesses and limitations. Recognize the reality of our gross natures. Work with them rather than deny them. Grow through and out of them into God and Spirit as God and Spirit. They are no different than the divine. They are divine. Earth born in Heaven. Heaven born on Earth.
Ok to not ok. Ok...Definitely getting better, now that my eyes are clear. So much harmony coming down the pipe and now even thriving on the Plane. The Earth Ship. Such a settled confidence in the way the dharma is unfolding. Like I've seen this before. So natural. Such is the way of life. To see outside of our personal filters. At what life is. What is it? Perhaps we cannot. Perhaps life is merely our personal filters. Without personality it wouldn't exist. It is the limited nature of our being that is being as we know it, as it is to us. Still, I want to see from the outside. If at all possible. I seek resolution. Perfect resolution. What is their to see outside of our limited seeing? What is here?
This is here. This is here right now. What is this? What are we? What are we outside of our limited being? Are we anything outside of our limited being? Is their anything outside of the limits of this natural universe? I guess not. Perhaps. This universe is all their is. There are no boundaries. What am I? Truly? I must be this. I must be to see what I am. I must be to see beyond my limitations. I am this fractured world. This world is not fractured. Is it whole? Is it truly one? This is what I seek. To be perfectly One. To be Whole. Perfectly permanently whole. To be perfectly One with God. Is such a thing possible? To be without fault. Is it simply a matter of perception and realization? Am I merely scratching at an itch that I cannot scratch. Mistaking suffering for incompleteness. To be perfectly one, I must realize that I am perfectly one. If I do not realize it, to me I will not be perfectly one and I will long to be perfectly one. Without the Light I will be in the dark. I will not see the truth. I will stumble and fall. To be free from stumbling. Do I truly desire this? I believe somewhere in my heart I do. I wish to shine without blemish. Without distraction, without fault. Perfectly. I think this is my deepest desire. When will it die? One way or another, it's death is my perfection. Either it ends with complete mastery of my being. Or it ends as I let it pass as something I used to believe when I struggled to better a self already perfected.
I must be perfect now. This is what I wish to establish. One way or another. I guess I am perfect. I still want to be more perfect. Perfectly perfect. Bring the weakness in my mind to perfection. Although I am perfect now, I think it is natural to want to perfect the weaknesses of one's self. Perhaps this is my ego and conditioned thinking. I must be perfect now. Perfectly perfect now. Without a flaw. Their are no flaws. None at all. The idea of a flaw is illusory. What shall I do with my perfect self? What shall I do? I still wish to be perfect. To be perfectly perfect. To break the glass of my struggling self. To be perfectly woke snitches. Woke as a mutha trucker muther fucka. Get that wokeness bay. Get it. The Bay of the bays. Ma bay. She be the bes bay evr wus bra. Er wuz. Er Wuz...Bay...
I've fallen again into the shadow. Into negativity. Into what feels like powerlessness. Into fear and running, trying to find somewhere safe. I feel like an idiot. Black white black white. The transition can be so quiet that I suddenly find myself asleep and buried again. Where'd all this sand come from? I'm scared? Why am I so scared? What happened? Just doing stuff at home and the floor slips out right from underneath me. Choices. Habits.
I get so scared. It's a blinding fear, so afraid I can hardly find it. It's hiding away in shrieking silence. Then I get so joyful I forget about it. Ha, so ridiculous. Its these up and downs that are so discombobulating. Whipping back and forth between two very different worlds.
I guess I lost control. I got pissed off because my grandma was being really defiant when I was helping her go to the bathroom. Then I sort of madly cleaned the downstairs bathroom. I forgot myself. I forgot the ground. I don't think I was standing on much of it to begin with, hence falling quickly. When I was down I felt like I was a failure. Ha. Classical music and blogging have saved me. I still feel sluggish, I have for years.
Be positive, stay centered. Only engage in positive ways true to my heart. Stay on track, stay focused. Establish a coherent and manageable vision. The vision is key to success. Without it I am lost and blind. Alone in terror and despair. The vision must be true. And I am done with much of my blundering. Build a strong foundation in health and my security on this planet. Essentially focus on myself as much as possible. Constructive selfishness. I think this is the way forward for humans. We have to take care of our own shit so we don't spill it on each other. So we can be trustworthy and strong. Able bodied. We can't just find God. We have to find ourselves. We have to be human beings. Recognize our weaknesses and limitations. Recognize the reality of our gross natures. Work with them rather than deny them. Grow through and out of them into God and Spirit as God and Spirit. They are no different than the divine. They are divine. Earth born in Heaven. Heaven born on Earth.
Ok to not ok. Ok...Definitely getting better, now that my eyes are clear. So much harmony coming down the pipe and now even thriving on the Plane. The Earth Ship. Such a settled confidence in the way the dharma is unfolding. Like I've seen this before. So natural. Such is the way of life. To see outside of our personal filters. At what life is. What is it? Perhaps we cannot. Perhaps life is merely our personal filters. Without personality it wouldn't exist. It is the limited nature of our being that is being as we know it, as it is to us. Still, I want to see from the outside. If at all possible. I seek resolution. Perfect resolution. What is their to see outside of our limited seeing? What is here?
This is here. This is here right now. What is this? What are we? What are we outside of our limited being? Are we anything outside of our limited being? Is their anything outside of the limits of this natural universe? I guess not. Perhaps. This universe is all their is. There are no boundaries. What am I? Truly? I must be this. I must be to see what I am. I must be to see beyond my limitations. I am this fractured world. This world is not fractured. Is it whole? Is it truly one? This is what I seek. To be perfectly One. To be Whole. Perfectly permanently whole. To be perfectly One with God. Is such a thing possible? To be without fault. Is it simply a matter of perception and realization? Am I merely scratching at an itch that I cannot scratch. Mistaking suffering for incompleteness. To be perfectly one, I must realize that I am perfectly one. If I do not realize it, to me I will not be perfectly one and I will long to be perfectly one. Without the Light I will be in the dark. I will not see the truth. I will stumble and fall. To be free from stumbling. Do I truly desire this? I believe somewhere in my heart I do. I wish to shine without blemish. Without distraction, without fault. Perfectly. I think this is my deepest desire. When will it die? One way or another, it's death is my perfection. Either it ends with complete mastery of my being. Or it ends as I let it pass as something I used to believe when I struggled to better a self already perfected.
I must be perfect now. This is what I wish to establish. One way or another. I guess I am perfect. I still want to be more perfect. Perfectly perfect. Bring the weakness in my mind to perfection. Although I am perfect now, I think it is natural to want to perfect the weaknesses of one's self. Perhaps this is my ego and conditioned thinking. I must be perfect now. Perfectly perfect now. Without a flaw. Their are no flaws. None at all. The idea of a flaw is illusory. What shall I do with my perfect self? What shall I do? I still wish to be perfect. To be perfectly perfect. To break the glass of my struggling self. To be perfectly woke snitches. Woke as a mutha trucker muther fucka. Get that wokeness bay. Get it. The Bay of the bays. Ma bay. She be the bes bay evr wus bra. Er wuz. Er Wuz...Bay...
Saturday, April 4, 2020
Journal Entry #4 Positivity into plans
So basically my plans will only work if they are based in positivity. To me, this includes spontaneity and intuitive orientation. I am tired of spending what feels like half the time in the dark. Half the time struggling for consciousness and room to breathe. It has been difficult to get on top of my life (my energy) because it has been so complex, subtle and overwhelming. Like having a rowboat in 100ft waves...
Maybe my expectations are too high. It's hard to be positive when your body wants to close its eyes and shutdown. But, I think I can be better about staying in a positive groove. I think/feel like I need to be more positive to be happy and to reach my goals. The key is not to hold on to tight to this and become blinded, ignoring my need for rest, yin energy cultivation. I know it's not all about yang. I just want to keep my head above water more by taking better care of myself now and by anticipating my future needs/direction. I think I want to build towards something. To strategize and carry out actions towards the fulfillment of a plan. The key is figuring out what my goals are and realistically prioritizing them.
So it has to be spontaneous
It has to be intuitive
It has to be based in the here and now
I'm not sure what I'm looking for...lol
I'm looking for light now
Presence is required now to plan effectively
Vision is required
Clear and steady inner vision
Vision grounded in who I am
Grounded in the Way
The Perfect Plan in harmony with Heaven
And Earth
This is what I strive for
Heavenly guidence
Strew over a rough plain
That is my life
It can be rough on the outside.
It needs to be perfect on the inside
1. Be positive
2. Cultivate positivity in the here and now
3. Discover what you need to focus on in the long term
I want to build energy everyday and to better at managing my energy. I want to remain in positive energy 25-30% more. Perhaps even more than this. I don't want to sink as low as I have been. I don't want to work in an environment where I sink this low. I think I am done with this. The key is to remain in my own authentic positive energy. This is clearly the best way to get what I want and the best way to take care of myself. For I will be in a much more level-headed space and I will choose to do things that are more frequently better for my wellbeing.
How to do this?:
I have to be mindful of myself slipping. I have to employ self-restraint, being mindful of what I engage in with my energy. Everytime I engage with the world I open myself up to receive energy. If I engage in negative ways I will receive negative energy. The key is to engage in positive ways in which I maintain and enhance my position. It has been easy for me to slip into what feels like great negativity. It is uncomfortable, unpleasant, and unhealthy. Most importantly, it is not where I want to be. I want to be in a much more positive place. This is much of my suffering. Not being where I want to be, and feeling like I am not doing what I want/need to be doing to get there. Frustration and anger and resentment. A loss of control, overwhelmed and impulsive. Reactionary, ruled by instinct and perhaps conditioning. Not being me. No fun. So the number 1 principle is to make positive choices that keep me in a positive place and open me up to the fulfillment of my life more than I currently am. Gain positive energy, gain positive power. I think this means gaining self confidence and self-esteem. These seem and are hugely important in achieving your goals and having a fulfilling life. If you don't feel like you can do it, how are you gonna be able to do it. You won't even see a path to your dream. You'll see darkness, frustration and paths towards suffering and despair. Grosss..Omg. It's crazy that so much of us live this way when underneath we are such positive beings. We literally have unlimited energy pouring out of our hearts at all times. Wtf. Wow. Anyway, this is about me! But really, it is! It's my turn to get things going. I just got to break this down and then it will be easier. I don't have to go so Braveheart on everything, this is fucking exhausting. Use your head Will! I guess I was wrong, I do need to go Braveheart! Think Think Think!!! I got this boyy!!
Systematically devastate the tyranny of the opposition. Yea. Step out of the quagmire onto dry land and do your thinking. Sweet. It's not so hard when your not carrying so much weight. THE ESSENTIALS!! This is it! Pick good things to do and water them seed plants! Seedums!! I just want to avoid a lot of the conflict I've been getting into. It feels unnecessary. Thank God, it's been awhile. I don't need to solve all the problems now. The key is to take care of myself first. I feel like now is the time to heavily focus on myself. This doesn't mean total abandonment of my family and friends and the world. It just means doing a better job of staying positively within my own influence. Not ignorance, but being in a better space to listen to my feelings, to know the way and the dharma. Yes. This is it. Sounds great. I feel like it's the time to do this. I feel really good about this. Just everyday, doing better about being focused, tuning into the flow. It will tell me what to do, it has plans for me. I can see them in my mind! Genius!! Lol. I get so high on this stuff. So sick boys!! Chasing after the sparkly colors in my mind. Weird being guided/moved by inner-vision. Impossible to describe. Just honing in and honing in on the sense of knowing exactly what is right for me to do right now. Such a heavenly experience. So cool. So sweet. Love being psychic. For real though. I'm all about it. Its amazing. Another topic, another post!
Swag
So, what shall I focus on now.
Ok.
1.Spend more time in the evening meditating. Tuning into the bodily energies in a more conscious/active way.
2. Probably exercise more and regularly. Get the bodies energies going. This goes for numero uno tambien
(I think I have been frustrated with planning just because I wanted to see what was coming next in my life. More like, this seeing was being born and it was getting a little hung up on the way out, causing frustration)
3. Eat more consciously
4. Be more conscious in general
Question? - Do I have any plans for the long term? Like career direction stuff? Money? Money? Money? I gotta pee.
5. Be more intentional in general. Use my powers of intention
All right my dudes. Tired now, Enough for tonight! See you later!
Maybe my expectations are too high. It's hard to be positive when your body wants to close its eyes and shutdown. But, I think I can be better about staying in a positive groove. I think/feel like I need to be more positive to be happy and to reach my goals. The key is not to hold on to tight to this and become blinded, ignoring my need for rest, yin energy cultivation. I know it's not all about yang. I just want to keep my head above water more by taking better care of myself now and by anticipating my future needs/direction. I think I want to build towards something. To strategize and carry out actions towards the fulfillment of a plan. The key is figuring out what my goals are and realistically prioritizing them.
So it has to be spontaneous
It has to be intuitive
It has to be based in the here and now
I'm not sure what I'm looking for...lol
I'm looking for light now
Presence is required now to plan effectively
Vision is required
Clear and steady inner vision
Vision grounded in who I am
Grounded in the Way
The Perfect Plan in harmony with Heaven
And Earth
This is what I strive for
Heavenly guidence
Strew over a rough plain
That is my life
It can be rough on the outside.
It needs to be perfect on the inside
1. Be positive
2. Cultivate positivity in the here and now
3. Discover what you need to focus on in the long term
I want to build energy everyday and to better at managing my energy. I want to remain in positive energy 25-30% more. Perhaps even more than this. I don't want to sink as low as I have been. I don't want to work in an environment where I sink this low. I think I am done with this. The key is to remain in my own authentic positive energy. This is clearly the best way to get what I want and the best way to take care of myself. For I will be in a much more level-headed space and I will choose to do things that are more frequently better for my wellbeing.
How to do this?:
I have to be mindful of myself slipping. I have to employ self-restraint, being mindful of what I engage in with my energy. Everytime I engage with the world I open myself up to receive energy. If I engage in negative ways I will receive negative energy. The key is to engage in positive ways in which I maintain and enhance my position. It has been easy for me to slip into what feels like great negativity. It is uncomfortable, unpleasant, and unhealthy. Most importantly, it is not where I want to be. I want to be in a much more positive place. This is much of my suffering. Not being where I want to be, and feeling like I am not doing what I want/need to be doing to get there. Frustration and anger and resentment. A loss of control, overwhelmed and impulsive. Reactionary, ruled by instinct and perhaps conditioning. Not being me. No fun. So the number 1 principle is to make positive choices that keep me in a positive place and open me up to the fulfillment of my life more than I currently am. Gain positive energy, gain positive power. I think this means gaining self confidence and self-esteem. These seem and are hugely important in achieving your goals and having a fulfilling life. If you don't feel like you can do it, how are you gonna be able to do it. You won't even see a path to your dream. You'll see darkness, frustration and paths towards suffering and despair. Grosss..Omg. It's crazy that so much of us live this way when underneath we are such positive beings. We literally have unlimited energy pouring out of our hearts at all times. Wtf. Wow. Anyway, this is about me! But really, it is! It's my turn to get things going. I just got to break this down and then it will be easier. I don't have to go so Braveheart on everything, this is fucking exhausting. Use your head Will! I guess I was wrong, I do need to go Braveheart! Think Think Think!!! I got this boyy!!
Systematically devastate the tyranny of the opposition. Yea. Step out of the quagmire onto dry land and do your thinking. Sweet. It's not so hard when your not carrying so much weight. THE ESSENTIALS!! This is it! Pick good things to do and water them seed plants! Seedums!! I just want to avoid a lot of the conflict I've been getting into. It feels unnecessary. Thank God, it's been awhile. I don't need to solve all the problems now. The key is to take care of myself first. I feel like now is the time to heavily focus on myself. This doesn't mean total abandonment of my family and friends and the world. It just means doing a better job of staying positively within my own influence. Not ignorance, but being in a better space to listen to my feelings, to know the way and the dharma. Yes. This is it. Sounds great. I feel like it's the time to do this. I feel really good about this. Just everyday, doing better about being focused, tuning into the flow. It will tell me what to do, it has plans for me. I can see them in my mind! Genius!! Lol. I get so high on this stuff. So sick boys!! Chasing after the sparkly colors in my mind. Weird being guided/moved by inner-vision. Impossible to describe. Just honing in and honing in on the sense of knowing exactly what is right for me to do right now. Such a heavenly experience. So cool. So sweet. Love being psychic. For real though. I'm all about it. Its amazing. Another topic, another post!
Swag
So, what shall I focus on now.
Ok.
1.Spend more time in the evening meditating. Tuning into the bodily energies in a more conscious/active way.
2. Probably exercise more and regularly. Get the bodies energies going. This goes for numero uno tambien
(I think I have been frustrated with planning just because I wanted to see what was coming next in my life. More like, this seeing was being born and it was getting a little hung up on the way out, causing frustration)
3. Eat more consciously
4. Be more conscious in general
Question? - Do I have any plans for the long term? Like career direction stuff? Money? Money? Money? I gotta pee.
5. Be more intentional in general. Use my powers of intention
All right my dudes. Tired now, Enough for tonight! See you later!
Friday, April 3, 2020
Journal Entry #3 Training and Grandma with dimentia
I wanted to start meditating instead of watching as much tv and being as loungey. I want to make my life more interesting. Gain more power in my own life. Explore my inner world sort of. I want to build my wakeful energy. I want to be more in command of the flow. I probably should have a day off, or a couple, to let tension dissipate. I want to get on the track to awaken my energies through training. Also to identify and pursue a path towards economic freedom.
I want to make my energy more active. I spend a lot of time and energy being pushed by life. I spend a lot of time and energy managing my energy. Making it (me) able to function properly. I have to do light and energy work on my self constantly and it's incredibly draining. I spend so much of my chi (awareness) holding my life together. I have a lot of rough parts and incomplete parts and parts that are being pushed together that don't fit together. I have the awareness of how to achieve many things for myself, but I lack the power because so much of my power goes to managing the disorder of my being. Part of my being is like an old rusty truck that has been jerry rigged to the max because I haven't been able to replace it. It is ingeniously held together, but it is not the safest and its performance is very limited. Time to get a new truck. Or... time to remodel this bad boy.
Guess I can't get a new truck...yet. We haven't figured out how to transplant consciousness into a different body. The reality is I have been remodeling it for some time now. In the process some key parts broke down and it got a little more than a little messy.
Things are getting up to speed again and time to pull out some parts and replace them. I've got the time and energy and I'll learn how to create the tools I need. Gonna go under the hood, see what I can do.
My grandmother is 93 and she is living with us. She has dementia and it seems like her mind and life is taking a shift. She's been crying more and she never cried before. Crying out of relief and gladness to be out of a retirement home and with her family, and tonight maybe for the first time, she was remembering her past and some hard times she had. It seems like she's processing experiences and feelings she has held onto for a very long time. All of this is mixed with her hallucinating because of her disease so it can be difficult to tell what's really going on. Though, throughout all of this I sense her mind and heart lightening, opening returning to some kind of balance, I think a place of soul that she (and we) inhabit before and after birth. I sense this deeper astral place too. It's like she's preparing to die and go somewhere else, she's forgetting herself, and returning to herself at the same time. I guess death doesn't happen all at once...
Throughout her communication I get a sense of her trying to communicate things, she's still processing things even though on the surface she may be speaking entirely in fiction. I guess it's not entirely in fiction because the content is true to her heart. Just like dreams aren't real, but they are true to who we are and what we feel. She's trying to make sense of her life and make sense of the world. She has so much on her heart from her whole life, so much she probably hasn't said or hasn't had the chance to say. I wonder if she can sense that time is slipping away from her. To me it feels like she is rushing towards the end. Rushing towards some end or door and in great concern, care, and introspection with haste trying to make sense of her past, maybe of her life. All of this through the confusion of dimentia. It will end for her. I don't think she'll get through it all. She is going to bring it back to Earth when she returns again. So is life. So are humans. This is it. Stress, love, aggression, hate, life death, again, again, again, something else...nothing but this...
I want to make my energy more active. I spend a lot of time and energy being pushed by life. I spend a lot of time and energy managing my energy. Making it (me) able to function properly. I have to do light and energy work on my self constantly and it's incredibly draining. I spend so much of my chi (awareness) holding my life together. I have a lot of rough parts and incomplete parts and parts that are being pushed together that don't fit together. I have the awareness of how to achieve many things for myself, but I lack the power because so much of my power goes to managing the disorder of my being. Part of my being is like an old rusty truck that has been jerry rigged to the max because I haven't been able to replace it. It is ingeniously held together, but it is not the safest and its performance is very limited. Time to get a new truck. Or... time to remodel this bad boy.
Guess I can't get a new truck...yet. We haven't figured out how to transplant consciousness into a different body. The reality is I have been remodeling it for some time now. In the process some key parts broke down and it got a little more than a little messy.
Things are getting up to speed again and time to pull out some parts and replace them. I've got the time and energy and I'll learn how to create the tools I need. Gonna go under the hood, see what I can do.
My grandmother is 93 and she is living with us. She has dementia and it seems like her mind and life is taking a shift. She's been crying more and she never cried before. Crying out of relief and gladness to be out of a retirement home and with her family, and tonight maybe for the first time, she was remembering her past and some hard times she had. It seems like she's processing experiences and feelings she has held onto for a very long time. All of this is mixed with her hallucinating because of her disease so it can be difficult to tell what's really going on. Though, throughout all of this I sense her mind and heart lightening, opening returning to some kind of balance, I think a place of soul that she (and we) inhabit before and after birth. I sense this deeper astral place too. It's like she's preparing to die and go somewhere else, she's forgetting herself, and returning to herself at the same time. I guess death doesn't happen all at once...
Throughout her communication I get a sense of her trying to communicate things, she's still processing things even though on the surface she may be speaking entirely in fiction. I guess it's not entirely in fiction because the content is true to her heart. Just like dreams aren't real, but they are true to who we are and what we feel. She's trying to make sense of her life and make sense of the world. She has so much on her heart from her whole life, so much she probably hasn't said or hasn't had the chance to say. I wonder if she can sense that time is slipping away from her. To me it feels like she is rushing towards the end. Rushing towards some end or door and in great concern, care, and introspection with haste trying to make sense of her past, maybe of her life. All of this through the confusion of dimentia. It will end for her. I don't think she'll get through it all. She is going to bring it back to Earth when she returns again. So is life. So are humans. This is it. Stress, love, aggression, hate, life death, again, again, again, something else...nothing but this...
Thursday, April 2, 2020
The Point IV
(continued from The Point III)
We are free right now to create in Love and Goodness. Underneath everything, I think we already do. And this is the point of life...
Regardless of the coming of a new age, we are here now. Right now, this is important, regardless of what it is. This is it. This is what we are looking for. Right now. Right here. This...
We spend our lives searching for something, or many things to fulfill us. We often feel that what we have or what we get falls short of the mark. We think that what we have lacks some elusive quality. Without it, we continue the search whether we consciously know this or not. I think part of us runs down this bone like a raving beast, with an insatiable hunger. It seems like we cannot help ourselves, we are mad. In a way, the remedy lies in the process itself.
This process is the process of choosing thing after thing to fill the void that is our inability to fully consciously face the reality of our lives. We slowly allow ourselves to see a little bit more of ourselves every moment of of our lives. This too we cannot help. The process of being alive is the process of lifting the veil obscuring reality and the truth we can perceive, but cannot wholeheartedly admit to ourselves. This is how the search itself is the remedy or the solution. It is one with the process of "enlightenment" of the mind. A dual dance of denial and gradual acceptance with more and more accurate choices to fill the void. They are more and more accurate because they are closer and closer being the truth of who and what we are. See Ken Wilber's works for this. I think he calls this process the Atman Project. I was just reading Alan Watts and he too describes this process as an eternal game of hide and seek where the hider and the seeker are the same person or entity.
This is why this process of searching for things to fill an unfillable void is itself the fulfillment of that unfillable void. The search itself is enlightenment. We are the God we are looking for. Your True Self with a capital S is your very self right now, blind beaten and battered. Your search for it is it. I find this pretty dang funny. It's so ironic, sort of turns life into a comedy. We try so hard to find something to hold onto...and the answer is right here. Right in front of your eyes. It's always been this, here and now. It's always been who you are right now, what you've been doing right now, where you are right now. No escape, no other place. This...Now...
You've always been boundlessly connected to the Universe. Something totally beyond your individual control, yet totally you. We have always been One with nature, One with all humanity. We've always just been Wakefullness here and now. The undulating of the tides, the blowing of the wind through the trees. We are nothing more than this. This is all that we are, all that we ever have been.
Why are we asleep then in our humanity? We just are. This is just how life is. We blossom like buds on a tree. For a time we cannot see through our thick skin. Then, a crack of light and an unfurling of leaves and petals into the sunshine, the crisp air, the breath of life. And we can see that we are. We breath in life and exhale life. We grow, we rise and they we decay and fall. We pass away and die, never to be again. This is life. This is our life. This is who we are. Birth, breath, life, death. Perhaps something else. Perhaps not. We are the breath of life. We are being right now Being Being Being. It seems like forever being. In the here and now.
To be lost is such a natural part of life. It is life. While we are lost we are so afraid. So afraid of death. Our imagination turns into into so many strange forms. When you can see them clearly, they don't seem to fit into the natural mold of the world. You can tell that they are imaginary, you can tell that people are fearfully clutching at them in their hearts and minds. Avoiding looking at their life as it is. They are too afraid of it. Too terrified.
And much of society is this way. Too terrified to face reality, the consequences of this are upsetting. We don't trust eachother. Who would trust such crazy disconnected people? Crazy disconnected animals? Their are real consequences for messing up. Getting lost deeper in confusion and not getting the social and emotional support you need. We are so self-conscious, so afraid of missteps. So afraid that we freeze the flow of life, and society as a whole stagnates. I think this is clearly a prominent feature in the United States. We are so afraid of doing anything wrong that we don't do hardly anything at all. We just choke on ourselves over and over again. Glancing around fearfully, putting on pretenses. Growing increasingly anxious and disassociated from ourselves. Becoming more and more isolated. I think this is the reality for many of us, and more so the reality for parts of us in all of our lives. Who can you turn to when you've already retreated deep within your own cave?
Their are hot points everywhere. Hot points of critical thought and feeling. Pockets of severe view. Where is the wisdom that can bring these views together? Where is the social discourse and culture to listen to each other and compromise for solution? Where is the community? Obviously it is here, but not enough to make our country feel very safe as a whole. Not enough to make most communities feel like a cohesive fabric. We feel splintered and reduced from something that we once were. This is probably more true for my demographic of being a middle class white person in the United States. But still is very true for the country as a whole.
I find and have found that the best thing I can do is to do nothing. So much of what I have in me is apart of this bureaucratic nonsense, this excessiveness when it comes to doing anything. Thinking, feeling, doing, and being. All clouded by way too much anxious thought, too much dreaming, not enough being or feeling. Not enough sense. The best thing I can do is quiet my mind, quiet my body from the compulsive anxious cloud strongly represented by commercial America, get in touch with my feelings, from my feelings to my body, from my body to my being and from my being to action. Then I come from a place of spontaneous intuitiveness, where I am more or less in harmony with myself. This process has created so much wisdom in my life. Just tuning out of the gray noise of the world and tuning into myself. My own thoughts, my own feelings, my own body, my own being. It's been what I will call around 10 years of doing this, 8 years doing this at an intensity and flow beyond what most can imagine. Not out of discipline, but of a spontaneous and unpredicted awakening of my consciousness.
In this country, and growing in the world, is the culture of massive aggressiveness, do more do more, be the best, be a beast. Fall asleep. Lose yourself in the world of ideas. Ideas disconnected from being, from sense. We try to apply this to the enfolding of our inner space. To the awakening of our consciousness. It will never work. We can only successfully apply ourselves with great discipline and intensity if their is harmony in our being. And this inner flow is more like that of a forest stream than a stream which needs to be commanded ruled and controlled. It flows by itself, without need of thought or action. It simply flows. And this is enough. This is all it really is. Flow.
This is life. Behind our intentions, prayers, struggles, concerns. Flow. Water flowing downstream. To the sea. To the sea. To the sea. This is life. When we quiet our mind and get in touch with our feelings, we can learn to see this. We don't need so much. We can just be here and now. We have faith in this process because we are this process. We can let go of excess. Excess in the mind, in thought and in action. Acquire less, do less, be less, be more. Be here. Now. This is it.
We are free right now to create in Love and Goodness. Underneath everything, I think we already do. And this is the point of life...
Regardless of the coming of a new age, we are here now. Right now, this is important, regardless of what it is. This is it. This is what we are looking for. Right now. Right here. This...
We spend our lives searching for something, or many things to fulfill us. We often feel that what we have or what we get falls short of the mark. We think that what we have lacks some elusive quality. Without it, we continue the search whether we consciously know this or not. I think part of us runs down this bone like a raving beast, with an insatiable hunger. It seems like we cannot help ourselves, we are mad. In a way, the remedy lies in the process itself.
This process is the process of choosing thing after thing to fill the void that is our inability to fully consciously face the reality of our lives. We slowly allow ourselves to see a little bit more of ourselves every moment of of our lives. This too we cannot help. The process of being alive is the process of lifting the veil obscuring reality and the truth we can perceive, but cannot wholeheartedly admit to ourselves. This is how the search itself is the remedy or the solution. It is one with the process of "enlightenment" of the mind. A dual dance of denial and gradual acceptance with more and more accurate choices to fill the void. They are more and more accurate because they are closer and closer being the truth of who and what we are. See Ken Wilber's works for this. I think he calls this process the Atman Project. I was just reading Alan Watts and he too describes this process as an eternal game of hide and seek where the hider and the seeker are the same person or entity.
This is why this process of searching for things to fill an unfillable void is itself the fulfillment of that unfillable void. The search itself is enlightenment. We are the God we are looking for. Your True Self with a capital S is your very self right now, blind beaten and battered. Your search for it is it. I find this pretty dang funny. It's so ironic, sort of turns life into a comedy. We try so hard to find something to hold onto...and the answer is right here. Right in front of your eyes. It's always been this, here and now. It's always been who you are right now, what you've been doing right now, where you are right now. No escape, no other place. This...Now...
You've always been boundlessly connected to the Universe. Something totally beyond your individual control, yet totally you. We have always been One with nature, One with all humanity. We've always just been Wakefullness here and now. The undulating of the tides, the blowing of the wind through the trees. We are nothing more than this. This is all that we are, all that we ever have been.
Why are we asleep then in our humanity? We just are. This is just how life is. We blossom like buds on a tree. For a time we cannot see through our thick skin. Then, a crack of light and an unfurling of leaves and petals into the sunshine, the crisp air, the breath of life. And we can see that we are. We breath in life and exhale life. We grow, we rise and they we decay and fall. We pass away and die, never to be again. This is life. This is our life. This is who we are. Birth, breath, life, death. Perhaps something else. Perhaps not. We are the breath of life. We are being right now Being Being Being. It seems like forever being. In the here and now.
To be lost is such a natural part of life. It is life. While we are lost we are so afraid. So afraid of death. Our imagination turns into into so many strange forms. When you can see them clearly, they don't seem to fit into the natural mold of the world. You can tell that they are imaginary, you can tell that people are fearfully clutching at them in their hearts and minds. Avoiding looking at their life as it is. They are too afraid of it. Too terrified.
And much of society is this way. Too terrified to face reality, the consequences of this are upsetting. We don't trust eachother. Who would trust such crazy disconnected people? Crazy disconnected animals? Their are real consequences for messing up. Getting lost deeper in confusion and not getting the social and emotional support you need. We are so self-conscious, so afraid of missteps. So afraid that we freeze the flow of life, and society as a whole stagnates. I think this is clearly a prominent feature in the United States. We are so afraid of doing anything wrong that we don't do hardly anything at all. We just choke on ourselves over and over again. Glancing around fearfully, putting on pretenses. Growing increasingly anxious and disassociated from ourselves. Becoming more and more isolated. I think this is the reality for many of us, and more so the reality for parts of us in all of our lives. Who can you turn to when you've already retreated deep within your own cave?
Their are hot points everywhere. Hot points of critical thought and feeling. Pockets of severe view. Where is the wisdom that can bring these views together? Where is the social discourse and culture to listen to each other and compromise for solution? Where is the community? Obviously it is here, but not enough to make our country feel very safe as a whole. Not enough to make most communities feel like a cohesive fabric. We feel splintered and reduced from something that we once were. This is probably more true for my demographic of being a middle class white person in the United States. But still is very true for the country as a whole.
I find and have found that the best thing I can do is to do nothing. So much of what I have in me is apart of this bureaucratic nonsense, this excessiveness when it comes to doing anything. Thinking, feeling, doing, and being. All clouded by way too much anxious thought, too much dreaming, not enough being or feeling. Not enough sense. The best thing I can do is quiet my mind, quiet my body from the compulsive anxious cloud strongly represented by commercial America, get in touch with my feelings, from my feelings to my body, from my body to my being and from my being to action. Then I come from a place of spontaneous intuitiveness, where I am more or less in harmony with myself. This process has created so much wisdom in my life. Just tuning out of the gray noise of the world and tuning into myself. My own thoughts, my own feelings, my own body, my own being. It's been what I will call around 10 years of doing this, 8 years doing this at an intensity and flow beyond what most can imagine. Not out of discipline, but of a spontaneous and unpredicted awakening of my consciousness.
In this country, and growing in the world, is the culture of massive aggressiveness, do more do more, be the best, be a beast. Fall asleep. Lose yourself in the world of ideas. Ideas disconnected from being, from sense. We try to apply this to the enfolding of our inner space. To the awakening of our consciousness. It will never work. We can only successfully apply ourselves with great discipline and intensity if their is harmony in our being. And this inner flow is more like that of a forest stream than a stream which needs to be commanded ruled and controlled. It flows by itself, without need of thought or action. It simply flows. And this is enough. This is all it really is. Flow.
This is life. Behind our intentions, prayers, struggles, concerns. Flow. Water flowing downstream. To the sea. To the sea. To the sea. This is life. When we quiet our mind and get in touch with our feelings, we can learn to see this. We don't need so much. We can just be here and now. We have faith in this process because we are this process. We can let go of excess. Excess in the mind, in thought and in action. Acquire less, do less, be less, be more. Be here. Now. This is it.
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