I wanted to start meditating instead of watching as much tv and being as loungey. I want to make my life more interesting. Gain more power in my own life. Explore my inner world sort of. I want to build my wakeful energy. I want to be more in command of the flow. I probably should have a day off, or a couple, to let tension dissipate. I want to get on the track to awaken my energies through training. Also to identify and pursue a path towards economic freedom.
I want to make my energy more active. I spend a lot of time and energy being pushed by life. I spend a lot of time and energy managing my energy. Making it (me) able to function properly. I have to do light and energy work on my self constantly and it's incredibly draining. I spend so much of my chi (awareness) holding my life together. I have a lot of rough parts and incomplete parts and parts that are being pushed together that don't fit together. I have the awareness of how to achieve many things for myself, but I lack the power because so much of my power goes to managing the disorder of my being. Part of my being is like an old rusty truck that has been jerry rigged to the max because I haven't been able to replace it. It is ingeniously held together, but it is not the safest and its performance is very limited. Time to get a new truck. Or... time to remodel this bad boy.
Guess I can't get a new truck...yet. We haven't figured out how to transplant consciousness into a different body. The reality is I have been remodeling it for some time now. In the process some key parts broke down and it got a little more than a little messy.
Things are getting up to speed again and time to pull out some parts and replace them. I've got the time and energy and I'll learn how to create the tools I need. Gonna go under the hood, see what I can do.
My grandmother is 93 and she is living with us. She has dementia and it seems like her mind and life is taking a shift. She's been crying more and she never cried before. Crying out of relief and gladness to be out of a retirement home and with her family, and tonight maybe for the first time, she was remembering her past and some hard times she had. It seems like she's processing experiences and feelings she has held onto for a very long time. All of this is mixed with her hallucinating because of her disease so it can be difficult to tell what's really going on. Though, throughout all of this I sense her mind and heart lightening, opening returning to some kind of balance, I think a place of soul that she (and we) inhabit before and after birth. I sense this deeper astral place too. It's like she's preparing to die and go somewhere else, she's forgetting herself, and returning to herself at the same time. I guess death doesn't happen all at once...
Throughout her communication I get a sense of her trying to communicate things, she's still processing things even though on the surface she may be speaking entirely in fiction. I guess it's not entirely in fiction because the content is true to her heart. Just like dreams aren't real, but they are true to who we are and what we feel. She's trying to make sense of her life and make sense of the world. She has so much on her heart from her whole life, so much she probably hasn't said or hasn't had the chance to say. I wonder if she can sense that time is slipping away from her. To me it feels like she is rushing towards the end. Rushing towards some end or door and in great concern, care, and introspection with haste trying to make sense of her past, maybe of her life. All of this through the confusion of dimentia. It will end for her. I don't think she'll get through it all. She is going to bring it back to Earth when she returns again. So is life. So are humans. This is it. Stress, love, aggression, hate, life death, again, again, again, something else...nothing but this...
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