Right now I feel tightness in my chest. Its like I'm trying to do something instead of doing anything, because I think I need to do something. I'm anxious and acting from a place of conditioned being. This place will always keep me unsettled. For this to quiet and for something else to blossom is true peace. It may not even be peace, it is just no longer living in delusion. To calm the anxious mind and the anxious body. To try and do this may be an extension of it. The thought that it is bad is anxiety. Self defense, agitation and worry. The doing mind. I guess I think their is a way out, maybe their is not. I don't think their is. This is just how I am right now. This is life happening. Should I try and stop pain from happening? Should I work on engendering positive flow? Is their even positive and negative flow? Maybe the whole ambition of being positive is an illusion. It is based on the supposition that their is a difference between positive and negative. I think this may be an illusion. I know that the anxiety that drives us to be positive is merely a perpetuation of the same negativity your trying to avoid. Can I be negative? Can I allow myself to be worried. I think instead of trying to avoid it, the better option is to feel it more deeply. To allow myself to experience it consciously. This sounds good. I think during the day I am often trying to avoid how I feel, how I am. Trying to escape the dark corner of my mind I frequently inhabit. I never leave it because I never leave it. I don't face how I feel, how I am right now. I think I am going towards light, but I am remaining on the outskirts where I am barely seen, to avoid being seen. The anxious mind. The faux achiever, the faux successful person with all their activities. The anxious mind that can't sit still with itself, the nightmare, the dreamer. Do less do more. Be less be more. The way forward is not out but here where I am. It is alive. Strangely alive. I've been so anxious for so long.
We are drowning in a whirlwind of thoughts. Thoughts about this, thoughts about that. We are asleep in our waking state. Asleep in our incessant thinking. We think about the way things are. We don't experience them. Always asleep, never awake. We run around thinking we are doing important things, we are doing nothing. We have been doing nothing our whole lives. The whole world is asleep. The whole world is suffocating. Struggling to breathe. Do do do, think think think. Many of us don't even feel. Less of us even are. We live in this vacuum of beliefs. We think and think and think we need to be different. We rearrange and rearrange our minds over and over again with urgent anxious thoughts. They all just hold us in the coma of nonbeing. It's this mass nonbeing gravity well or karmic field that nearly all of us are basically completely caught up in. A massive net of anxious thinking, of ego. Of not seeing lol. It's a positive feed-back loop. We think we're growing out of it, yet we just replace object of our ego with something else. It's still egoic, just more refined. I guess we do slowly wake up out of this ego net through this process of refinement, it's just bewildering to realize how subtle it is, to step out of it for the first time and realize the way the world actually is. It's like their is stillness and then their is the rambling chaos of the human world. It's fucking weird. I guess it's totally natural. But, right now it's quite odd. Quite odd indeed.
I still get sucked in so easily, and I am not quite out all of the way, if their is such a thing. I am just beginning to get a grip on the realization that the way I have been going is not the way I want to be going at all. I have been trying to stop for such a long time. I perceived the truth at the bottom of the big lake without knowing what it was. I only knew it intuitively through the dark and cold deep waters. I knew I had to jump out of the row boat and swim into the depths to find it. I had to do the impossible. And I didn't know the way, I just knew that I had to get going. To know that you life is upside down and inside out, but to only have the tools of the upside down and inside out to get you downside up and outside in. Pretty trippy.
Slowly awakening. I'm discombobulated much of the time. My body chemistry suffers from this. My sleep is off, my energy is jammed and twisted up. My body doesn't know what to do. The programs are half re-written. It's trying to use the old code and it just doesn't work. It spins the rest of the body out of control. And the new code isn't strong enough to set the old code into shape. The people around me are so loud in themselves. Their ego's are screaming. It makes mine scream. I really want to work on quieting my mind. I have to be very careful, because I am so sensitive the the energy content of my surroundings. I need peace and quiet to grow. To nurture the sun. I also need to be careful of my ego getting in the way. It like to play God. It's a complete idiot. Lol. To learn how to go about my business and stay centered. To be kind and spacious, participating yet unmoved. I think this is the way to go. Where I can actively pursue bettering myself, while being mindful of the serious debilitating effects of the ego. To remain for the most part outside of it's influence. To live outside of the ego without running away from life. I cannot run to far away and I cannot remain to close inside. I must find a balance. I feel confident that I can do this.
The ego may be a complete idiot, but it's an idiot that I am. I am egoic. This is the truth. I want things and a denial of this is the ego wanting other things. Neglecting the ego will not bring balance in my life. Neither will giving it full reign. Both are unpleasant and unsettling. I do wish to be present. I do wish to be kind. I think I do wish to achieve things. The answer is balance through mindfulness, it's not black and white. This is just delusional thinking. Sleeping thinking. The answer is living awareness. And I don't know where this will go. I just know where I am now. This is the key, the balance of the present. The sense and wisdom in regard to thought and action right now. I think this is where the sensation of being awake comes from. It comes from a balance of awareness and a balance of the senses. This balance allows us to sense the wholeness of the universe. This allows us to be awake.
I learn what is right through what is wrong. I learn what is here and I learn to see through living in darkness. The key is to find a balance between light and dark. We grow through the unknown, but too much of it is dangerous, unsettling. The balance of light and dark is presence and being. Joy and love. We can love the terrain we pass through instead of feeling threatened by it. I think this is what I am trying to find in my own life. A joyful balance of the various pulls on my being. A balance and integration of them into one feeling. It feels to me like their are so many of them that this is difficult. When I reach to integrate one, another falls away. When I reach for that one perhaps the one I just brought into the fold strays again. Lol perhaps this is what my tarot reading suggested in the various appearances of the wands. Some in front and some behind. I guess this is perhaps the root of my desire. To unify the various aspects of my will. To master the fiery energies of life because they have been wreaking havoc on my life. They feel split and uncontrolled. The drive me to exercise and train when part of me wonders if all this is egoic. I think it does become too egoic and unbalancing. Perhaps I can use the will and the ego in a successful way without becoming lost in anxiety. If their is a key. It is finding the right balance between the poles. Perhaps it is a delusion to think that I will soon have them under reasonable control. To believe I will have a healthy grasp over my life.
This makes me wonder if their is some kind of healthy balance I can strike with being and ego. With letting go of the anxious mind and being ambitions. Can this balance be good? Or is the ambition entirely a fiction? Is the ambition a temporary facet of being egoic, more so is it a temporary facet of my life. Is it going to pass away in the coming months as I continue to wake up from egoic consciousness? I think I am trying to properly orient myself. Do I stop completely or do I keep on trying, keep on training, keep on willing? The shift from day to night seems like the ambition is a complete joke. Maybe it is, but maybe that doesn't mean that it will go away.
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