This is it.
Ok. Walk myself out of this one again. Don't feel like I've been awake all day. Not that the day has been too challenging. Just haven't been on point. How do I get on point form the beginning of the day. That's how I want to be. So far its been elusive. Seems like it takes me all day to warm up. If I do warm up at all. I think the late evenings are when I am most awake. It's like my energies are turned in on themselves in the morning and during the day. The spike of a drive that I am looking for never happens. I've been in the dark for years. Wow. Crazy to realize this and see a potential way out of it. I have been overwhelmed for so many years. Under siege. Felt like I was on my last legs. The possibility of escape or success wasn't really a possibility. Now I can see it on the horizon. I can see the blade I need to forge to cut through this mess. To be free. My deepest goal is complete liberation from delusion. Total transcendence of self. This is all that I live for. All I really care about. To be enlightened. To be perfect.
I've been trying to break this painful pressure in my forehead for years now. It seems to come through my forehead and, if strong enough, spread through my chest and gut and cripple my body. My bodily flow that is. It makes me catatonic. Immobilized. Fear and chaotic energy overwhelming my consciousness and the healthy intelligence of my body system. I've been hit by a subtle tsunami everyday, drowning and sputtering struggling for air and dry land. It keeps on being crushed by waves. I've had to become the ocean to survive. Let go of who I was. Become a titan. All I want to do now is live in perfect unity. To untegrate all of the parts of my being into one fabric. To master the energies of life. To master myself. My feelings, my instincts, my impulses, my life force. Merge my being entirely in the divine. Become completely one with God. This is my single desire. This is what I long for when I am submerged underneath the waves. This is what I wish to be born. The process itself is what I desire. I wish it to flow and flourish. To flower and triumph over my weaknesses. To erase and eradicate them in fiery light.
I am afraid of defeat. I am afraid of darkness. I am afraid of suffering. I just want to go deeper. I wish to stand tall in myself and explore the workings of the innerverse with my hands. With my consciousness. I am so excited about this. My heart leaps for this. Jumps out of my chest. I am learning how to create the path to this end. Focus. I need to see my goal and I need to be able to be inspired by it. My body and my being has to be open to it. I need to prepare myself for this. This is my one true aim. This is what I forget about over and over again. This is the life that we seek. The life that we have. To merge with God. The desire and goal of the soul. Whether or not it is illusory, it is the nature of the soul and it is apart of our lives. I wish to shake off the shackles of my being and merge with this. My fear holds me back. My love pulls me forward. I must learn to discern between foolishness and wisdom to an extent that I avoid most of the pitfalls I encounter today. Desire is so temporary. To be where I am is so beautiful. To see what I see. It feels like grace, but I think we may misunderstand this word. The power of grace is equal to that of darkness. We live for a time in both. Both blossom on the same tree. My question is, is their eternal life? Do our souls live forever? Is grace everlasting? Life feels like a series of structures within structures. We grow through and out of them into bigger and broader structures that contain all of the previous structure we inhabited. Like nesting dolls. I wonder if God and grace are eternal in this way. Forever being stages or structures of life. Will God always be our heart? I believe God is life. But I do not believe that life is everything. I think we can pass beyond what we know as life into a place beyond comprehension, perhaps even beyond being. And before life, their is void. Nothingness. I think perhaps God will always be life, God will always be who we are. We may forget, or pass beyond. But God will always be life. God will always be what is. What a wonderful universe. So much bigger than we imagine when we are lost in our personal strife. I just want to reside in the bliss of this wonder forever. Spiral deeper into it. Deeper into myself. So content in this. This love is perfect and it is mine. Perfectly my own. My own creation my own life. To be one. To be triumphant over darkness. To master temptation, even to be well on the way. Wonderful wonderful. I rejoice in the fulfillment of myself. In victory of Light over darkness. In being over gray and struggle. In strength of being, strength of character and luminous wisdom of divine presence. Divine being in the here and now. So wonderful. My home. Boss. Lol
This is what happens when you return to blogging after a prolonged absence. You get incensed. By ulterior perfumage. Lol oh my goodness.
I was gonna write about something. Aha I renember. I reNember perfectly. Ya, being kind n'stuff. I want to work more on acting and speaking from a place of kindness. I feel like I arrive at this desire and I'm like, omg, this is so obvious, this is totally something I really want to do. This would solve a lot of my problems. Then I sort of forget about it and get into this rough red sort of mean energy. No bueno. Do a lot of stuff that isn't important or what I actually want to do. I have this super clear joyful vision of how I will step away from all that harsh stuff through mindfulness, carefulness and feeling. It's like a deeper way of interrelating. More thoughtful, more conscious, more grounded. More communication. More intentionality. All this compared to being reactive, impulsive, hostile, taking things personally. etc. To me it feels like taking a step towards my goals, being more responsible, thoughtful, reasonable and more connected to myself. A place where I can avoid and outgrow a lot of problems. I feel like now I really now how to be kind and thoughtful. Like I know how to have healthy relationships. More than this, I think I know how to be myself. Still not exactly what I want to say...I can be genuine, present, not incur darkness or negative karma. I can maneuver without getting touched essentially. Have perfect relationships. This is something I need to cultivate, but I feel like it has sprouted in my consciousness. Move without creating ripples on the surface of the water. Essentially, do the right thing. Right speech, right action, right thought. Here we are. Not step into conflict. Be at peace, Be at rest. We think we need to try hard, think a lot, do a lot in our relationships. Or have them be a certain way. Really we need to be at rest within when we interrelate to have positive relationships. We need to let go of people being or acting a certain way, let the relationships be as they are, let go. Let go of effort. If we can simply be fully present and uncompromising in ourselves we will generate peace and accord. People will feel safe to express themselves and they will be listened to. The dharma will be heard and will be alive in the home and in the air around you. Perhaps the key is not to have perfect relationships, but to have present relationships, awake relationships. These are real relationships between people. They have ups and downs. But you are awake while you go through them. I think through this you can overcome a lot of the problems that can arise in relationships. Being fully conscious, fully awake right now...
I got a lot of heat in my body. It's hot! GotTo go somewhere. GotTo channel it somewhere. GotTo build stuff. In the process of bettering myself, I'm gonna get knocked down a lot. So..I'm gonna need to get back up a lot and keep on going. This is just going to happen. But, it's gonna get easier and easier (I think lol) I hope. I think...I'm so excited to go deeper into my energies and into the organization of my being. To create such a powerful harmony of being that I transcend much of the obstacles and troubles of being human. I want this so bad. To master my physicality. To master my energy, to master my being. To be deeply conscious of the complex subtle energies of life. Deeply conscious and deeply immersed and harmonized with them. To have my consciousness flowing in all directions simultaneously, harmoniously, with the whole world, the whole universe. Right now. Just to be out of the pain so I can experience this more. Into it more so it is more effortless. But, I don't want to give up trying. I love experimenting, I love pushing myself, I love bathing in fire. I want to fly like a rocket. So excited.
I am here. I am now. I am the whole universe being born now. I am all of this. I am all of movement. I am
So, how do I be peace in the morning? Is this something I can expect from myself right now? I don't think so, I might be years away. Damn. This sucks. I guess I sort of have to struggle for a while. I am going to make the most of my suffering. I am going to do my darnest to avoid unnecessary conflict. To be at peace, to be present and to tune into my dreams. I am going to focus everyday on bettering myself. Opening up doors. Having a great life. Overcoming hurdles. Be as free as I possibly can be. Because this is all I have. I might not make it to where I want to be. But I will make it to right now. I will always make it here. I always have this. I want to be alive here.
No comments:
Post a Comment