I don't think I can do anything right away. I have to slowly build my way out of this hole. One of the main problems is lack of consciousness. Trying to build with mud. Doesn't work very well.
I've fallen again into the shadow. Into negativity. Into what feels like powerlessness. Into fear and running, trying to find somewhere safe. I feel like an idiot. Black white black white. The transition can be so quiet that I suddenly find myself asleep and buried again. Where'd all this sand come from? I'm scared? Why am I so scared? What happened? Just doing stuff at home and the floor slips out right from underneath me. Choices. Habits.
I get so scared. It's a blinding fear, so afraid I can hardly find it. It's hiding away in shrieking silence. Then I get so joyful I forget about it. Ha, so ridiculous. Its these up and downs that are so discombobulating. Whipping back and forth between two very different worlds.
I guess I lost control. I got pissed off because my grandma was being really defiant when I was helping her go to the bathroom. Then I sort of madly cleaned the downstairs bathroom. I forgot myself. I forgot the ground. I don't think I was standing on much of it to begin with, hence falling quickly. When I was down I felt like I was a failure. Ha. Classical music and blogging have saved me. I still feel sluggish, I have for years.
Be positive, stay centered. Only engage in positive ways true to my heart. Stay on track, stay focused. Establish a coherent and manageable vision. The vision is key to success. Without it I am lost and blind. Alone in terror and despair. The vision must be true. And I am done with much of my blundering. Build a strong foundation in health and my security on this planet. Essentially focus on myself as much as possible. Constructive selfishness. I think this is the way forward for humans. We have to take care of our own shit so we don't spill it on each other. So we can be trustworthy and strong. Able bodied. We can't just find God. We have to find ourselves. We have to be human beings. Recognize our weaknesses and limitations. Recognize the reality of our gross natures. Work with them rather than deny them. Grow through and out of them into God and Spirit as God and Spirit. They are no different than the divine. They are divine. Earth born in Heaven. Heaven born on Earth.
Ok to not ok. Ok...Definitely getting better, now that my eyes are clear. So much harmony coming down the pipe and now even thriving on the Plane. The Earth Ship. Such a settled confidence in the way the dharma is unfolding. Like I've seen this before. So natural. Such is the way of life. To see outside of our personal filters. At what life is. What is it? Perhaps we cannot. Perhaps life is merely our personal filters. Without personality it wouldn't exist. It is the limited nature of our being that is being as we know it, as it is to us. Still, I want to see from the outside. If at all possible. I seek resolution. Perfect resolution. What is their to see outside of our limited seeing? What is here?
This is here. This is here right now. What is this? What are we? What are we outside of our limited being? Are we anything outside of our limited being? Is their anything outside of the limits of this natural universe? I guess not. Perhaps. This universe is all their is. There are no boundaries. What am I? Truly? I must be this. I must be to see what I am. I must be to see beyond my limitations. I am this fractured world. This world is not fractured. Is it whole? Is it truly one? This is what I seek. To be perfectly One. To be Whole. Perfectly permanently whole. To be perfectly One with God. Is such a thing possible? To be without fault. Is it simply a matter of perception and realization? Am I merely scratching at an itch that I cannot scratch. Mistaking suffering for incompleteness. To be perfectly one, I must realize that I am perfectly one. If I do not realize it, to me I will not be perfectly one and I will long to be perfectly one. Without the Light I will be in the dark. I will not see the truth. I will stumble and fall. To be free from stumbling. Do I truly desire this? I believe somewhere in my heart I do. I wish to shine without blemish. Without distraction, without fault. Perfectly. I think this is my deepest desire. When will it die? One way or another, it's death is my perfection. Either it ends with complete mastery of my being. Or it ends as I let it pass as something I used to believe when I struggled to better a self already perfected.
I must be perfect now. This is what I wish to establish. One way or another. I guess I am perfect. I still want to be more perfect. Perfectly perfect. Bring the weakness in my mind to perfection. Although I am perfect now, I think it is natural to want to perfect the weaknesses of one's self. Perhaps this is my ego and conditioned thinking. I must be perfect now. Perfectly perfect now. Without a flaw. Their are no flaws. None at all. The idea of a flaw is illusory. What shall I do with my perfect self? What shall I do? I still wish to be perfect. To be perfectly perfect. To break the glass of my struggling self. To be perfectly woke snitches. Woke as a mutha trucker muther fucka. Get that wokeness bay. Get it. The Bay of the bays. Ma bay. She be the bes bay evr wus bra. Er wuz. Er Wuz...Bay...
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