Fuck If I know

 Met some new people. They are from the Church of the Latter Day Saints. They are really nice. Wonder if I will be able to maintain friendship with them. Meeting some girls too. Afraid of big trouble. Lol. Tired today after a very good day with my new friends. Kind of had troubled sleep. Kind of felt like shit all day. Great. Been doing well. Some things have been clicking well. Was able to be myself with some new people and have an insightful meaningful conversation. As much good things are happening, I think I still feel heartless. Obviously more so today. I still feel a bit off. A bit maybe being more than a bit. And perhaps the only time I've been on is when I was truly being Master Merlin, which apparently got crushed in its infancy. That seemed like me. Can't totally say for sure now when I don't have it. Currently observing the rage storming within me. Fear. Doubt. I know I want to be myself and who I am, I think, is Master consciousness. It kills me that I can't see this clearly, that I can't see my self or my path clearly. I think I feel like I am missing something that I think I should have. I don't think I need to be suffering, yet I am. I feel perhaps ashamed that I am ruled by something that I perceive to be better than. But so far, being better hasn't made me better. It doesn't make me overcome this karma. This karma that may not even exist. I feel like a weak and frightened child and I abhor it. I don't accept this position and it holds me here. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of weakness. I am afraid of appearing weak. Of being vulnerable, of being taken advantage of. I am afraid of being hurt, attacked, wounded, blinded, defeated. This mixed with egoic pride, feelings of superiority, and vanity. I am caught up on images, imaginations, delusions. To the point that I truly become afraid and lose the power to see reason. Yet I am here, in this void. Existing. I think I need to be nicer to myself. Somehow gentler amid the torrent of flames. Somehow more patient and caring amid my fears and pressures. Yet I am often so afraid. Overwhelmed by fear. I think perhaps a part of this that really bugs me, that keeps me from settling with it, is that I sense the complete unreality of all of it. It's not fucking real. None of this is fucking real. I am lost in my misperceptions, all of this is transpiring in my mind. It doesn't correspond to anything in the world. For this matter, I don't exist as a separate self to suffer in the first place. My ego can't be hurt because it doesn't exist. Bollucks! My main problem stems from confusion and ignorance, both which overwhelm my ability to appropriately deal with my universe. I guess if I am going to respond appropriately to this dilemma then I need to find a way to make more sense out of what's going on to likewise respond better to my environment. I already do this automatically. But, I think I can respond more consciously to the situation than I have been. Not that I could or should have done this in the past, I see that now I am more capable than I was. I turn off my conscious mind so that I can bring myself to bear on what I feel/sense that I need to do. This moves me forward, but it sacrifices an element of awareness which is necessary for true fulfillment. I can't become myself If I am behaving subconsciously all the time. I need to have conscientious vision, awareness, intention. This is the way that we penetrate through the mire into our true feelings. I've been in autopilot to navigate through the shit storm. I think the weather is improving enough that I can turn on some of the systems that couldn't be supported during autopilot. Autopilot is also like energy saving settings on your computer. Turn off the stuff you don't need so you can keep the ship going until you reach the harbor and can refuel and repair. I have been too afraid to use these systems as well because they caused a massive system failure several months ago. I think it's time to try again. Alright. (cracks knuckles). All I have to win is everything. All I have to lose is everything. I think I have more to gain than I do to lose. I think the odds are in my favor. Bottoms up.