Um...

 You know what doesn't make you happy? Pretending to be someone your not. You know what doesn't help make you happy? Culture that encourages you to pretend to be someone your not. You know what doesn't make the world a better place? Having all these ideas about who you are and who you think you should be that are ridiculous and commercial. I'm a country girl. I'm a city girl. I do these things for fun. It's not necessarily that they don't do these things for fun, or these things aren't a part of their life. It's that they are spoken as if they are true when they really aren't. We create this picture of ourselves with these loose ideas that we present to the world as if they are our own, when they are really just impressed on us by an increasingly deadening commercial culture. What bugs me is that this commercial and detached culture is becoming the interface through which we communicate and interact. We are never going to be these worthless notions, but they become what we are when we slowly lose ourselves in a system that uses them to frame everything. It encourages us to pick some of these frivolous notions instead of actually discovering who we are. None of us do know who we are. We don't look anymore, we don't know how. We're stuck in clouds and clouds of horseshit. The air is polluted with a thousand kinds of madness. I don't think we looked that much in the past, but the miasma of today is just complete garbage. At least in the past the mask we wore had some warmth. People don't know how to define themselves. The world has been broken up into so many fragments, that nothing we can become feels wholesome. It's just a fucking joke. Pretend that this is who I am, when I know it's fucking not. I have no idea to figure out who I am because the system I live in, my whole mentation, is essentially broken. I know it's not this black and white, but this is how it feels a lot of the time. It bugs me how hard it is for me to reach out and have real connections with people. This is probably intensified because I am so sensitive to the commercial fantasy that I tend to stay completely away from it and from behaviors that are driven by it. It has been really hard to have positive connections with the world. Right now I'm kind of like fuck this, I am not going to feel bad anymore because of how the world is in this way. I think it's better if I get over these hurt feelings. Shrug it off. I'm stronger than this, I'm stronger than this culture. I don't even need to think about it. This doesn't mean I have to listen to it more than I like. 

What else. I don't know. Still kind of feel like hating on the world. Fuck that shit. I mean hating, not the world. Here I am. Here. I am. I want to disengage from a lot of these worries I have. I think I can. I want to change. I want to become a different person. A completely different person. Ya. This sounds good. Game over. Here we go! Merlin becomes superman. Let it go. Let it go. Da da da da da da daaaa. Freedom! Just let me be the one to fuck up Mel Gibson. Lol. He kind of looks like a tool. At least in Braveheart, he's a hollywood actor pretending to be a Scottish dude in a Hollywoodian version of real events. Going back to hate land. Not even 2 cents. Merlin Triumphant. Merlin nonexistent. The dream behind the terror of the world is a dream, let's not pretend it is otherwise. I am so angry inside. Angry at the world. Angry at life. At myself. It makes me want to cry. So upset. I don't think I need to be. At least as much as I am. I think I can turn a lot of it into freedom! Without evisceration. I don't really want to be the guys who eviscerate Mel Gibson in the movie, I kind of just wanted to fight him with kung fu and kick his ass. Ya. Here I am. Gotta go. Peace out