Write something

 I am going to write something. Hahaha. Aight. Here. We. Go. 

Ok. I am going to flush out some of the contradicting streams of thought going through my head at the moment. Clarify some feelings. Reclaim vision of the way. Ya. So..I was like I'm not gonna see any girls and then wam bam, all about bumble. That first part of me is like what?...are?..you?...doing?...It's afraid its plan is going to be ruined. It had a really nice look at deep awakening and it was like ya, let's just do that. That looks really good. I am totally going to take a shot at that. I don't want to do anything else. I saw that deep awakening didn't include relationships with women probably among other things. I am afraid it will take up too much time and energy and keep me unbalanced. I don't see my journey into God as my journey into relationships with other women or sex for that matter. My experience with God has been so personal and isolated from other people. I am reluctant to open open because of that. I want to be with God and I find that that special connection I have tends to collapse easily when I am around others. Others and women have pulled me away from my dharma in the past. At least what I imagined and felt my dharma to be. It has been such an issue that part of me has completely no issue in completely restricting that aspect of my life for the sake of waking up and being well. I don't know how realistic this path is or how grounded these feelings are in what is real and what is good for me. As much as I am trying to make the best choices concerning what direction I take my life, I am attempting to discover the way I am going. To me we are already on a path of awakening, we already have a trajectory. Discovering this allows your mind to get on with the foot work. It allows your being to open up more to your deeper nature. It really seems like a game that you can't help but play. From this perspective, your going to go there anyway, it's essentially fate, but it seems like figuring out the path is a part of walking it. Figuring out the path is figuring out who you are, and when we don't feel like ourselves we are eager to find out who we are. This brings me to some other feelings.

 I have been feeling more afraid of the path I am on. My inner light isn't as strong. I have had some moments, but I think I am still deeply worried about my safety and wellbeing. I have been for a while and I haven't been able to get to the bottom of these worries at least a lot of the time. Prevalent worries. I have been chronically afraid of what is happening to me. Pretty deeply unsettled matched by perhaps  a stoicism that is a blend of wisdom, apathy, numbness, and disorder of the mind. Kind of cool. I have often been pretty not here. Just waiting for things to change. For things to open up again. There is not much I can do (I think) that I haven't been doing. This part of me is withholding for the right time to apply my inner reserves. To begin to commit myself again to a worthy cause. So far I haven't found the gem. That's why this whole girl thing is fucking unnerving. I just got fucking blown by my last relationship and I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope towards success and security. And I want to pick up that weight? I think deeper within I feel ok, but on the surface ripples manifest constantly and in abundance. I think its gonna be ok. Like really be ok. Maybe it always is and we just lose faith and think the world has gone to shit when it hasn't. I really feel like things are gonna work out for me. I really do. I don't think I have to hold on so hard. I think maybe I can have a little more faith. I think what it really is that I sense that no matter what happens I am almost through the dark ages, so it doesn't matter how much I fuck up, it's gonna work out anyway lol. It kind of feels like a candle burning down low and going out while another kind is just getting going. The first one is this section of troubles I have been going through. The second is the coming and establishment of a deep harmony with life. It's weird how out of my hands this feels. Like I am a pawn on the chessboards of the Gods. And how real it feels. We are taught in the states to make our own luck through hard work and education, yet I feel like this is pure soul. It includes these things, but here these things are made of stardust and starlight. This new candle of reckoning and resolution is such a clear cut departure from the one that has been dominating my life. It's literally a change in the season of my life. Winter to Spring. The King will reign in the Summer. It's like my luck is returning. My godforsaken luck. I have been harboring my doom. The doom of my last life. The harvest I sowed I have reaped. Time for a new dawn. A new Spring. New Life. New potentials. I think it is time to let the light carry me forward. I think it is time to move on again. But, this is what I thought before, and look where it got me...fuck lol. Two + months in the shitter. This is the apparent problem with faith, intuition, feelings, destiny, etc. You better commit when you have something real to commit to, otherwise you may walk willingly right off of a fucking cliff. I won't say I told you so, because I'll say it now. I told you so. Warning to all cheery hearted spiritual seekers setting out into a new world. The universe is vast and beyond your wildest imaginations. Both delightful and terrible in equal scope and depth. It can be utterly merciless. Watch your step, and mind your fanciful thinking. It can easily destroy you when you begin to mettle with deep powers. Realize the scope of the naivety of your society and yourself, the ungroundedness we are taught to relish. Be warned. In the 1981 film Excalibur. the cost to Merlin for bewitching Uther, causing the downfall of Uther's rival, and the birth of Arthur was something like 6 months of slumber where he was unable to awaken in his body on Earth. If you think about it, we are trapped in our own consciousness for perhaps ages as unenlightened human beings. Trapped in darkness and delusion. Your choices affect this sentence. But at the same time, what choice do you have? 

Will and fate are like the yin and yang. Both are truly themselves, yet who they are is one with eachother and who they are individually has some of their other within themselves. Destiny may not be as fixed as we may think. Our will may be able to alter it. And our will is not as much our own as we believe, and we may be fated to make certain choices and behave certain ways. And they are also not what we think they are at all. They are something more. Perhaps something beyond what we are able to reason out in words. Perhaps the path we walk is the same, forever beyond our understanding. What will become of Merlin? A new Spring? Or yet another doom? Here he is now, wondering..