Journal #20

 Had some interesting developments last night. Not sure if I can remember them. I think I woke up  in the middle of the nightand felt this budding pressure in my hara, which I think is my solar plexus. It felt like the life force was returning to fill my body, surfacing from deep inner energetic unknotting. It was followed immediately by the thought, "Here we go again." "Time to be really careful" Like the energy is picking up starting to reach out and shape the world again. Pull me into all kinds of new relationships. It felt fresh and good and vitally charged. Like it was rooted in the whole of my body and being. A very unified drive. Yesterday perhaps when I was doing some stretching and energy work I thought that what was missing and perhaps what I needed was fresh energy and new experiences. New feelings, new energies, newness in my life. I remember how I had that before and how rich and enjoyable it was. It kept me moving forward. I have been trying to reclaim what I have been lost. But in a lot of ways, what I lost is dead. I need to pave a new way. I am different now than I was two and a half months ago. I do want to build on much of what I had then, but I think to be alive is to be in the new, to be in the frontier of experience. This is where I feel at ease, flying around and dancing on the wind. Interestingly I have been reclaiming old feelings and currents of development that I lost. Very happily so. Things that were very good and were burgeoning with life. Things that I think are integral to who I am and perhaps are not too far gone to reclaim in a healthy way. It's pretty cool. I look at something and say, "That's how I used to see that" I remember something that I was doing before that I totally forgot about that still feels really good. It has only been two months. To just reclaim the past isn't enough. You have got to connect to who you are now, how you are now, body and mind and soul. Your body has new connections to the world, new impulses, new desires, new passions. Same with your mind. It sees the world in a new way that you may be missing in your focus on the past. You have changed, you are different. Finding out how and living from there is the key to getting going again. Your heart and feelings are different. You want different things and feel different things. Perhaps what you want out of your relationships can't be how it used to be. Maybe holding onto those old perspectives is holding you back from living fully in the present. From being happy, from thriving. Usually this is fear from new things and fear of loss of what is dear to you, or what provides you with security. I had this other experience last night as well. I think this was after this budding in my solar plexus. It is more difficult to remember because it was a feeling and experience with much novelty. It was more visionary. A feeling rooted strongly in my physiological orientation and energy at the time. I felt very present, I saw very clearly. I was very confident in my ability to move through the troubles that I have and foresee in my life. It was like seeing the wave as a whole that is carrying me and will mount as I move forward, and knowing that it is more than sufficient to do what needs doing. I think perhaps it was a feeling of the immediacy of this wave, it's coming much sooner and much stronger than anticipated, the feeling of it coming strongly into my life now. And my being was like, YES in a quiet and subdued way. Like it was composed and prepared for what was coming down the pipe. Quiet, subdued but powerful and roaring within. Fuck. What made this all the more profound is everything that led to this experience, of which I could account in much greater detail than I care too. I have been having really energetic and wonderful experiences with dance where this awesome talent and skill is right beneath the surface and pouring out in spurts. I have been having this knottedness in my gut for perhaps a month and a half, with chronic diarrhea in the morning when I wake up. The knottedness is accompanied by a flashing and lightly sharply striking blackness of energy located in my abdomen and also in my head. For the same time my head has been stormy with racing dark clouds and in a sickening sky of orange, red, grey, and black. Caught up in swelling heat and tightness, sharp jagged thoughts racing like the clouds and vision out of control that knots up my insides with it's great and uneven pace. I truly have felt sick and enshrouded in veils of shadow and darkness, gloom. But not thoroughly depressed, just tossed on the sea and caught up in keeping my balance as best as possible. Too much movement to sink fully into despair. Too jarring and too much lightening. Moving through a strange land. Fortunately through the darkness of Winter. I feared for the combination of this orchestration with the heat and energy of warmer weather. It had much abated by last week and had been noticeably on the upswing in fairer climate for the last two weeks or so. Even so, through deep and energetic taichi/martial arts movements and explosive dance movements after a hike, I developed a sever tightness in my lower back that left me walking like an old man with a cane on and off for a week during the first three days of which I was unable to do anything but sit around my home. This happened roughly two and a weeks ago. This tightness and the events that led to it felt like the awakening of energies that I had lost two months ago, that poked their head out of the shell, but largely remained within it. Strong enough to pull my lower back into a twisted mess. If I was worried, I was barely worried. I had a feeling that it would unravel quickly. It had a certain lightness to it. This tightness has decreased until the present where it is barely noticed, undulating in its severity along the way. It too seemed apart and helped define the stormy and rocky terrain I have been passing through. A lightning bolt of uneven transformative change. If we go back even further. One of the last great feelings and visions I had before the collapse was that I would collapse, as I had in the past, but not in the same way. What led to this fall was a striking of a bell that although momentarily deafening would lead me forward into reclaiming my life and my way, and even eventually fulfilling this episode of my destiny. Very portentous. I had lost the stature which supported this vision and I have been in the described climate, more or less, since. Doubting greatly if what I saw and felt was true. Before I was on a trajectory of great transformation, that until recently I had largely forgotten in the confusion of my mind. Lastly, two nights ago, I experienced slightly greater anxiety and tightness upon going to bed which led to shallower and sharper sleep which left me tired and spiked in the morning. I had been sleeping much better over the last week until this night. It was a sharp accent in the progress I had made. It felt like it was leading to something. The racing clouds returned stronger than they had been throughout the last week last night and were contained in a minor head ache. I haven't had a headache in months and I took ibuprofen which I often don't take. It helped and I went to bed still feeling a tighter edge in my energy, yet well. I woke up a few hours later with the budding in my solar plexus and perhaps later with the vision and heightened presence. I stayed awake for an hour or so with this presence until it faded and I slept. The tightness has returned slightly and it colored my sleep and my feeling upon waking, making the episode I experienced last night more distant than I would have liked. All of the storminess of my past and present shifted into that presence last night. The contrast made it profound. The vision was stronger than what I had in the past. Stronger than perhaps anything else I have experienced. I am definitely on a path. A path of greater transformation than I imagined. The batter has hit this ball and it is headed out of the park. Going, going, gone.