OMG..This is so interesting...

 Gotcha mutherfucker. Read my blog

Read my blog

 Maybe if I tell people to read my blog, they will. "Da da da da da!" Each in a higher successive tone. "Da da da da da!" Again starting a little higher. "Da da da da da!" Again starting a little higher. "Da da da da da!" "Da da da da da!" "Da da da da da!" "Da da da da da!" "Da da da da da!" Now descending. "Da da da da da! A little higher still descending. "Da da da da da!" same "Da da da da da!" "Da da da da da!" "Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da" now up and then down "Da da da da da da da" a little higher up and then down "Da da da da da da da" same "Da da da da da da da" "Da da da da da da da" lower same "Da da da da da da da" up same "Da da da da da da da" Up "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Down "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" What a beautiful voice! You can sing!! Lol the last dream I had that I woke up from I was singing in a choir and I think we were singing, "Sing! Sing!" over and over again. It was really fun. "Joy, joy, joyful singing, joy, joy, joy" "Joy, joy, joyful singing, joy, joy, joy" "La la la la la la la" "Joy, joy, joyful singing, joy, joy, joy. "Joy, joy, joyful singing, joy, joy, joy" "La la la la la la la la la" "Joy, joy, joyful singing, joy, joy, joy" "Rejoice, joyful singing, joy, joy, joy" "Rejoice, joyful singing, joy, joy, joy!" "Joy, joy, joyful singing, joy, joy, joy!" "Joy, joy, joyful singing, joy, joy, joy!!!!!" Nice!!!

God this world is so fucked! It just seems so wrong how we feel and how we are. Like something great spoiled. It makes me feel awful when I feel awful. Like how did it get this bad? "Joy joy joy joy joy joy joy!" I'm going outside to the best weather we've had all week! Peace and God bless!

Feeling the Love

 My heart goes out to all of you, however you may find yourselves. Peace to the broken hearted. Uplifting and protecting love. Here I am. Here We Are. Freedom Abounds. 

At the end of the day, in the middle of the morning

 Cliche? Random catchy title? Lol. But some real twist in the mind. Where the dharma comes. Comes. To Island Reggae beats. Island feva ya. Alright. Dharma feva bra. When da dharma come? All time. All time. Where not be da dharma? Nowhere. Dharma be all-where, all da time. Speakin, breathn da dharma. Come like fast bird speed cross window. Like season slow approachin. Sneak up like hidden riva. Come wit da great strength. Come to make da changes. Changes in da season of da flo. Come to take ye away. New way. New journey. Already down da path. Already caught in da wind. Blowing across the sand towards da river, towards da dream. Towards newa being. New light. Dharma. All day, er day. New being, New birth. Er moment-ah. Dharma be breathin. Dharma be comin. Fresh light. Fresh way. Dharma way. Smoke blowin in da wind. Thoughts racing apart from fears. Sky comin up within. Raisin higha. Clear da mind with high skies. Rolling in da deep way up above. Twistin and rollin in da sky. Approaching da dharma gate. Gate gate, paragate, parasamgate, bodhi svaha. Gone, gone, gone to the other shore, completely gone to the other shore, awakening, svaha. Nirvikalpa samadhi. Gone, gone, gone to the other shore. Gate, gate, paragate. Gone to be here, Awake to be nothing at all. Here I Am. Always, Here I Am. Dharma-boi. Rivers and currents of dharma whispering to me in torrents. Telling me of the Buddha. Enlightening me with Buddha wisdom, filling this vessel with skillfulness, with Buddha breath. Becoming the buddha, becoming the vessel of Light. The overflowing waters of Light from the vessel of Aquarius. Spill out onto the soil of the world. Breathe Buddha bodies. Breathe buddhas. Rising buddha-stalks from the soil. Buddha dynasties in the dharma field, walking hand and foot with da people. Towards the sun. In the sunlight. Hail Buddha! Hare Krishna! Alight!Ascend!Rise!Within the Buddha, as the Buddha, towards the Buddha. The Dharma flowing into the ears and the eyes, through the body, the breath and the body, the guide, the stair. Amen. The power of Christ compels us. We are driven by the Lord. We are His creatures. We are of His body, are of His flesh, His power. His voice. His thought. The Dharma is the flesh of the Lord, the flesh and the Spirit. We live in the Dharma, we live in the body of the Lord. Amen. Carry us to the other shore, oh Great Lord. Oh Great Buddha. Him. Into the 5th and beyond. Take us from this broken place. Restore us in You. Walking together. All people, in Your light. Towards a new way. Shake off the mantle of the past. Step out of the rubble. Hail Dharma! Hail! Hail the way! Hail the Light! Hail the Way! New Dawn!

Fuck If I know

 Met some new people. They are from the Church of the Latter Day Saints. They are really nice. Wonder if I will be able to maintain friendship with them. Meeting some girls too. Afraid of big trouble. Lol. Tired today after a very good day with my new friends. Kind of had troubled sleep. Kind of felt like shit all day. Great. Been doing well. Some things have been clicking well. Was able to be myself with some new people and have an insightful meaningful conversation. As much good things are happening, I think I still feel heartless. Obviously more so today. I still feel a bit off. A bit maybe being more than a bit. And perhaps the only time I've been on is when I was truly being Master Merlin, which apparently got crushed in its infancy. That seemed like me. Can't totally say for sure now when I don't have it. Currently observing the rage storming within me. Fear. Doubt. I know I want to be myself and who I am, I think, is Master consciousness. It kills me that I can't see this clearly, that I can't see my self or my path clearly. I think I feel like I am missing something that I think I should have. I don't think I need to be suffering, yet I am. I feel perhaps ashamed that I am ruled by something that I perceive to be better than. But so far, being better hasn't made me better. It doesn't make me overcome this karma. This karma that may not even exist. I feel like a weak and frightened child and I abhor it. I don't accept this position and it holds me here. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of weakness. I am afraid of appearing weak. Of being vulnerable, of being taken advantage of. I am afraid of being hurt, attacked, wounded, blinded, defeated. This mixed with egoic pride, feelings of superiority, and vanity. I am caught up on images, imaginations, delusions. To the point that I truly become afraid and lose the power to see reason. Yet I am here, in this void. Existing. I think I need to be nicer to myself. Somehow gentler amid the torrent of flames. Somehow more patient and caring amid my fears and pressures. Yet I am often so afraid. Overwhelmed by fear. I think perhaps a part of this that really bugs me, that keeps me from settling with it, is that I sense the complete unreality of all of it. It's not fucking real. None of this is fucking real. I am lost in my misperceptions, all of this is transpiring in my mind. It doesn't correspond to anything in the world. For this matter, I don't exist as a separate self to suffer in the first place. My ego can't be hurt because it doesn't exist. Bollucks! My main problem stems from confusion and ignorance, both which overwhelm my ability to appropriately deal with my universe. I guess if I am going to respond appropriately to this dilemma then I need to find a way to make more sense out of what's going on to likewise respond better to my environment. I already do this automatically. But, I think I can respond more consciously to the situation than I have been. Not that I could or should have done this in the past, I see that now I am more capable than I was. I turn off my conscious mind so that I can bring myself to bear on what I feel/sense that I need to do. This moves me forward, but it sacrifices an element of awareness which is necessary for true fulfillment. I can't become myself If I am behaving subconsciously all the time. I need to have conscientious vision, awareness, intention. This is the way that we penetrate through the mire into our true feelings. I've been in autopilot to navigate through the shit storm. I think the weather is improving enough that I can turn on some of the systems that couldn't be supported during autopilot. Autopilot is also like energy saving settings on your computer. Turn off the stuff you don't need so you can keep the ship going until you reach the harbor and can refuel and repair. I have been too afraid to use these systems as well because they caused a massive system failure several months ago. I think it's time to try again. Alright. (cracks knuckles). All I have to win is everything. All I have to lose is everything. I think I have more to gain than I do to lose. I think the odds are in my favor. Bottoms up. 

Things are what they appear to be

 When you get to a point where you can't dig any deeper, far after the critical mind has discovered its own ineptitude and you have long abandoned it, long after intuitive feeling came to dominate direction, after the self passes into the infinite, when it comes again to fill this body, fill these senses, perhaps when it is full, things are as they appear to be. I think the most beautiful part of spiritual awakening is realizing that it has two part. The departure to God, the infinite, and then perhaps unexpectedly the return to the world, to life. Death and rebirth. This return is so defeating to purist spiritual notions we may have. I do not need to eliminate my ego. This world though full of suffering, deceit, and greed is not flawed and I am a part of it. I am selfish as perhaps I am divine. I am limited as I am infinite. I am human as I am a God. This may be frightening to those of us who wish to be forever removed from what we imagine can taint our being. But, it also is the avenue to a maturity of character and self that truly grounds one in what is real for us humans. It provides a real relief from what I find is more terrible and disturbing, the fanciful delusions that proliferate in the naive mind. It provides the, "Thank God, I can finally see that I was walking towards the edge of a precipice." It gives us the ground work to do real good here on Earth. Good for today, not tomorrow. Good for right now, where we actually live. A tree becomes a tree, and a lake becomes a lake, again. What is hidden I cannot see. There will always be that which lies beyond what we can perceive, yet there is also always that which lies here right before us. This is where we live. This is where we are. For all intents and purposes, this is it. 

I guess I'm supposed to write something here

 Here too...? The hills are alive with the sound of...dubstep!! Let's go!! Wooooooodeewooodeeewooooo!!! Oh god, don't know if I have anything to write about. If you ever want to watch some cool back and forth between two awesome actors watch To Have and Have Not starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. Yup. Things are as they appear to be. The most enlightened phrase. That my friends, is a lake. Lol

The Whole

 I am not alone. Unless I am alone as myself, being all. My thoughts do not belong to me alone, neither do my feelings. My body does not belong to me alone, neither does my sense of self. Who I am is no different from who you are. Not an extension of yourself, but your very self. What you feel as my feelings occur in my body as well as yours. They occur in my heart and my mind as well as in your heart and your mind. Our minds and our hearts are one. Not one as in a part of a greater whole, but one as in one and the same. It is the very same self that dwells in you as dwells in me. Not a distant Atman or higher self. But yourself as you are is literally the same exact person as myself, to the full extent that my life and my self is a self composed of many bodies, as is yours. You and I mean the same thing, they point to the being of the universe, which is amazingly single. It is not something to attain, not something remote. It is as it is now, regardless of all your thoughts and feelings which incline or tear you away from this idea to varying degrees. This is the simple incredible truth. We are not distinct beings. There is one self, one being. Only one. In fact this being extends through all life and all that is. This being is everything. There is no distinction between it's body and its soul. It's body is it's soul and it's soul is it's body. The same relationship exists between mind and body, feelings and body. Between anything and everything. 

We see often see things as how they are different from each other. We miss how they are the same. We don't see them for themselves because of this. Things become lifeless when they are perceived to be separate from everything else when this is impossible. There is no difference between anything. Everything is the same. Everything is the whole. Good, bad, up or down. Contrived distinctions, contrived meanings. No real difference. This world is a dream. It is not real. It is not what we think it is. We are not who we think we are. We are no different from rocks, trees, dirt, asphalt, it is not different from us. Everywhere we look we see impositions and limitations where they do not really exist. This is a field of illusory boundaries. Illusory distinctions, where the illusion is in the mind as well as in the very body of what we perceive. The illusions create the field we inhabit. It is so total, so immersive, that we totally overlook it's non-reality. Our very bodies are a part of the illusion. The illusion penetrates the very fabric of creation. We don't think of our physical environments as mind when they are. We don't think of them as being endowed with illusion or ignorance, but they are. This field we inhabit is a mind field of creation inherently limited in it's imagination, inherently created illusory limited forms. We don't think illusion is this deeply penetrating that the very objects we see are mind creations in a field of illusion, but they are. Everything we see is a field of mind. Everything here is subject to the same potentials of illusion as the mind that contains our thoughts is. They are both in fact the same mind. And living beings and all forms we see are beings however small and minutely intelligence: all endowed with the ignorance of what is real which projects their image, their form and body, as something that it is not. Nothing can be limited in power and scope except for an illusion. Because everything is the whole. Everything is infinite in power and scope. We fail to see at every turn, at every insight, that this entire reality we dwell in is a field of illusory projection. It is a giant sandbox, we fail to see that everything is sand. Everything is an image. The illusion is our reality. 

So much of our life is the play of illusion. The illusion is our reality. It's all we know, all we see, all we experience. It's fucking weird. It bothers me. I wonder what is actually real if none of this is. What am I if all of this is illusion? It can make it difficult to have a stance. What's the point of doing anything if all this is illusion? What is real? Is anything real? Or is everything contrived and imagined? Is there a self at all? This makes me afraid. Makes my mind turn off. Who is afraid? Whose mind is turning off? Afraid to look. Afraid to feel. Afraid to be. Be what? Afraid to figure out the truth? Who's looking? Who's puzzling this all out? I don't think I see right now. I am afraid of finding out. If I don't exist then why does it matter? I am not here at all to suffer anything. It frightens me that I often go to places consciously where I don't know if I am or if I am not. It terrifies me. I think I feel that if I am not that I won't be able to protect myself from suffering. Who's here to suffer? I am so terrified of the truth, it tears me up inside. So frightened of what is that I keep myself from looking. I keep myself in prison. In hell. I guess there is the power in truth to destroy me. I have keenly experienced this. But what is being destroyed if not illusion? What can hurt me but what I am afraid to face that is twisted into terrorizing and debilitating illness when it is avoided? What do I really have to lose? What do I really stand to gain? This half life is clearly not working. I am too awake to work within these fragile confines. I need something more real, something far more expansive and penetrating. Being terrified isn't going to save me in the long term. I eventually have to face my fears to move forward. Hopefully in a healthy way. I sense that my mind is still burned from previous encounters. I sense also that regardless of what life is, or what my life is, I have a life to live.

At least I did a moment ago. I have things to do and people to meet, places to go. This is happening regardless of what it is. Regardless of whether or not is is real. It is important to me to do this. This is what I am looking for. I am looking for the life I am meant to live, who I am supposed to be. It feels so real that a huge part of me ceases questioning it. It fills a massive void in my life. It feels much of me with a genuine sense of purpose and this seems to be enough. I am inclined to say that it is enough. Why I do not know now. It seems to be real, as real as real can be, and this makes me supremely happy. It makes me feel like someone and this is a wonderful feeling. When I feel this way, it feels like I am breathing into a body that I have always had, yet often don't have the chance to experience. Light is life I guess. This is what I am looking for. I do not know exactly what it is right now, but I know it when I see it. It is my life whatever that means. It is my life. And god bless it. Without it I am lost and miserable. Dejected and terrible. For whatever reasons this life seems extraordinarily difficult for many of us to find and to live. Bollocks. It seems that though this is, it is truly a part of the life we live. Whether it feels like it or not, it is the life we are living and it has meaning and importance even if we cannot see it or feel it. I think it is meaningful to us even if we cannot perceive or experience it at the time. I think life is always here. Whether or not we feel it, it is where we are. I don't think I know what it is or why it is meaningful, but I am drawn to it like a moth to the flame. There are things about it which I think are good, worthwhile. Things I fervidly determine to seize upon and to make my own. The dullness of my perception of my life is at least half of what drives me mad. I feel my life burning within me like a hot coal, but beneath layers of dull perception. It burns me up, but from an obscure distance. I strain to reach out to it, but this reaching is also dull and vague. I grow weary of this interplay. My inner filling desires immediate and robust experience, which it seems I often cannot give. It becomes impatient and violent, beating against the walls of it's existence, my body and mind. It doesn't have anywhere to go so it burns me out from within. Yup. Peace

Flow

 Get up..Get down.. All right. Let's go. Ok. What to write about today? I haven't been having a lot of deep thoughts lately. Focusing on exercising. Speaking of which, I could stretch this morning..See what happens with that. Let's talk about something cool. Something enlivening. Hmmm..I have no idea at the moment. Hmmm..It would be cool to take on the perspective of Atman again. Wow that was dope. Fuck I feel like such a loser now. Lol. There's nothing going on in my head. I guess that's not such a bad thing. I am not overly worried about anything. Or obsessing over anything that I can think of. It's kind of a nice quiet. I feel a little off center, but it's not enough to worry me. More like my energy is occupied and my thoughts are a little off base. They don't seem to be rooted in my feelings. They are like little slivers that escaped, that have myself in them, but no longer represent the whole. It's kind of annoying. Like a dull wall. But my energy is pretty solid so I don't care that much. Can't tell half the time if what I am doing is in line with my spirit. Ya. Think it's ok. Think worrying over it too much is missing an opportunity to just go with it. Still feel pretty aggressively attached to outcomes. Resistant to what is and disconnected from the ground a little. But closer to deeper harmony. I think I may need to let go more. Continue letting go and maybe deeply letting go. This sounds good. Ya let go. When I'm not letting go it's often because I lack faith in how things are. It prevents me from being here with how I truly feel and what is. Which is a good recipe for not succeeding. Alright. Think I am going to peace. See you later.

Um...

 You know what doesn't make you happy? Pretending to be someone your not. You know what doesn't help make you happy? Culture that encourages you to pretend to be someone your not. You know what doesn't make the world a better place? Having all these ideas about who you are and who you think you should be that are ridiculous and commercial. I'm a country girl. I'm a city girl. I do these things for fun. It's not necessarily that they don't do these things for fun, or these things aren't a part of their life. It's that they are spoken as if they are true when they really aren't. We create this picture of ourselves with these loose ideas that we present to the world as if they are our own, when they are really just impressed on us by an increasingly deadening commercial culture. What bugs me is that this commercial and detached culture is becoming the interface through which we communicate and interact. We are never going to be these worthless notions, but they become what we are when we slowly lose ourselves in a system that uses them to frame everything. It encourages us to pick some of these frivolous notions instead of actually discovering who we are. None of us do know who we are. We don't look anymore, we don't know how. We're stuck in clouds and clouds of horseshit. The air is polluted with a thousand kinds of madness. I don't think we looked that much in the past, but the miasma of today is just complete garbage. At least in the past the mask we wore had some warmth. People don't know how to define themselves. The world has been broken up into so many fragments, that nothing we can become feels wholesome. It's just a fucking joke. Pretend that this is who I am, when I know it's fucking not. I have no idea to figure out who I am because the system I live in, my whole mentation, is essentially broken. I know it's not this black and white, but this is how it feels a lot of the time. It bugs me how hard it is for me to reach out and have real connections with people. This is probably intensified because I am so sensitive to the commercial fantasy that I tend to stay completely away from it and from behaviors that are driven by it. It has been really hard to have positive connections with the world. Right now I'm kind of like fuck this, I am not going to feel bad anymore because of how the world is in this way. I think it's better if I get over these hurt feelings. Shrug it off. I'm stronger than this, I'm stronger than this culture. I don't even need to think about it. This doesn't mean I have to listen to it more than I like. 

What else. I don't know. Still kind of feel like hating on the world. Fuck that shit. I mean hating, not the world. Here I am. Here. I am. I want to disengage from a lot of these worries I have. I think I can. I want to change. I want to become a different person. A completely different person. Ya. This sounds good. Game over. Here we go! Merlin becomes superman. Let it go. Let it go. Da da da da da da daaaa. Freedom! Just let me be the one to fuck up Mel Gibson. Lol. He kind of looks like a tool. At least in Braveheart, he's a hollywood actor pretending to be a Scottish dude in a Hollywoodian version of real events. Going back to hate land. Not even 2 cents. Merlin Triumphant. Merlin nonexistent. The dream behind the terror of the world is a dream, let's not pretend it is otherwise. I am so angry inside. Angry at the world. Angry at life. At myself. It makes me want to cry. So upset. I don't think I need to be. At least as much as I am. I think I can turn a lot of it into freedom! Without evisceration. I don't really want to be the guys who eviscerate Mel Gibson in the movie, I kind of just wanted to fight him with kung fu and kick his ass. Ya. Here I am. Gotta go. Peace out  

Multitude and Reality

We have this existence in the temporal which is largely if not completely illusory. Here things appear separate and are treated so. I am this organism and you are that organism. This is this thing and that is that thing. Within this we find a sense of unity and singleness. And deeper still and more on the surface, the whole itself. Do parts exist or are they completely illusory? What is the nature of the whole? It seems like this universe only exist as long as there is egoic consciousness. It also seems like this universe may be a playground for the divine. Which is a wild notion. It seems like the notion that what we see and experience is just a part and not the whole is definitely an illusion. I think the nature of reality is in fact spaceless and timeless. We imagine the whole as this space with parts in it, that are somehow not separate. I think at least one of the main aspects of the whole, of what is real, that makes real real is not something tangible. I am taking this in leaps, bear with me. What we see as the separate part is not actually a separate part. It must also be what is real, what is intangible. What we see if it is illusion or not is a real phenomena, it is, even if it appears to be other than it is. There is the saying, "Confirmed by the 10,000 things." We are confirmed by the multitude because we see each thing as what is real. We see the part as truth. Yet at this point is the part still illusory. We wake up as truth within a field of illusion it seems. What does it mean to be real? What the fuck is reality? I guess what is here as opposed to what is not. It seems that I feel real when I see things as they are. I guess what I am wondering is, is everything I see illusory? Chair, table, computer, peanut butter jar. Are my eyes bewitched? Is this whole plane of existence an illusion? I think it is. It doesn't seem to have any body that we imagine it to. It seems lighter than air. Thinner than air. It almost feels as if it is made to be this way and not any other way. Like it is perfect as it is. Like it is ok to be contained within it. It's like I am contained within it, yet I am certainly not contained within it because it has no reality. I guess the real question is, is peanut butter really peanut butter? Maybe yes and no. I don't think me waking up is going to eliminate peanut butter from the world, but maybe it will in the way. Maybe peanut butter won't be the same peanut butter that it used to be. If everything I am saying is true then peanut butter is actually God. Table is God. Couch is God. Is it God and also itself? Does it remain a couch? Does it remain peanut butter? Or are these unique formations merely a play of light and darkness and nothing tangible is real? Hard to say. If it weren't real then how could we get to a point where we think that it is. How can we perceive otherwise? How can we see colors and how can there be different atomic structures? What is our brain translating into perception? How could there be bodies and animals and such? If none of this is real then how could any illusion come into existence? How could there be thought? How could there be an illusion at all? WTF? Well if time and space aren't real than nothing we perceive as time or space is actually bound by any of the laws that govern time or space. If they aren't real then the law of reality is beyond understanding. Damn. So what is real may not be anything that we can reason out, but may be so just because it is. Damn. So what is real is real because it is, not because of any reason, unless reason happens to be the reason it is real, but it doesn't have to be. Lol. What I am sensing is that much of what I perceive about the world is an illusion. An illusion being something that appears to be other than it is. Also that there is something real about all of this. I may not be able to define what is real or if this is real, but I think that in some way it is. Right-o 

Releasing the ocean

 The light and the darkness are one. We try to hold onto the light.To uphold it at the expense of darkness. The light is the darkness. In seeking to uphold the light, we uphold the darkness. In clinging to the light, we cling to our fears. We cling to what we dislike about ourselves. Turning the true light, to illumination, is accepting deeply and embracing all that is. Embracing everything. Opening up to everything. We do not know ourselves in fear of ourselves. We strengthen our fears by lashing out at them and keeping them at bay. We have fears deeply rooted in our psyche that are rarely if never examined. Things that are taken for granted that we should repress. Much of this content keeps us from being awake in the here and now. This content masks what is going on. We take the mask for reality because it is all we are fed. This is not enough for me. When I do not see clearly I feel like something is wrong. I feel like I can't see and I can't breathe. I don't have any desire to do anything. I feel well when I can see clearly that I am on a path of awakening. Our lives are damned up inside of us. Years and years of walled up feeling and emotion. Energy and power. To be awake is to be free of these walls. To release the ocean and all of its power into our lives and into the world. We are not who we think we are. We are not beings of light. We are beings of light and darkness. We are unmasked power. We are wild. Life is wild. Life is free. So are we. We are not separate or different from it. We are it. It runs where it may. We direct it as we will, as we may. We are currents in the universe. Running along the edge of time, running along the deep. Sowing seeds, twisting and turning. We are raw power. We are often undefined. Undefinable, yet we breath, we walk, we see, there is thought and feeling, vision, insight. We are at the mercy of the sea within us. We cannot possibly hope to save ourselves by containing it. This is illusion. It always contains us. We are in the places we do not wish to be. We are outside the comfort of what call our securities. We have never been damned up, walled up. We think we are, but we are always the sea. The fortress of the ego is an illusion. It's selfdom is a non-reality. We are not it, it is not us. It is only us as it is one of the infinite forms within the universe that we are. Like a cup of tea or a pillow, the ego is an object or a feature within us, animated with it's own unique qualities that make it what it is and not what it is not. It is a fleeting idea that inhabits human consciousness, I am only this, this alone. It is natural to be afraid of ourselves, to be afraid of life. Being so is not unnatural, is not wrong. It is natural for humans to experience fear. Like it is natural for us to do everything that we are doing. It is natural for us to be fearful, foolish, and blind. To make mistakes, to get hurt, to be born, and to die. It is the thought that something is unnatural that makes us feel uneasy. That something is alien and does not belong. When we are caught up in ideas of how the world ought to be we lose sight of how it is and what is real. Humans are weak, are foolish, are incredibly limited in perception and mentation. We may not want to be, but we are. We are incredibly limited. We also have an infinite capacity for change, for growth, for awakening. We are limited in what we can do, yet we are full of immense power, like all living things. I feel like this ordinary organism within a vast sea. I feel mortal, temporary, unsure of myself. This is who I am. It feels good to be alive even though I will not last forever. I am this part within the vast infinite reaches of something unimaginable. Yet I am. I am this organism here. I am this life. I do not need to live forever. I do not want to at this moment. Death is a release from the bondage of being such a limited unique form. I am not meant to live forever. I am not designed to. Nothing is. Everything is temporary, in flux. Everything comes and goes. Here, there, then gone. Like leaves passing you in the river. Clouds racing across the sky. Stars coming in and out of existence. Flowers coming and going in the Spring. These are the parts of the universe. It seems to me that the whole is timeless. It is beyond all of this although it is all of this. These parts are themselves, but not just themselves. I am this organism, this person, yet this person and this organism are also the whole. The entirety. They are and they are not themselves. The are finite and have there existence in space and time, yet they are also the fabric of the eternal. They are also timeless because they are the infinite, they are the whole. We are parts within this illusory dimension of time and space, and we are the infinite eternal, both at the same time. The temporal is a part of the eternal. The two are not separate. For the time being it seems that we have equally real temporal and eternal existences, both of which are inseparable. Although the true nature of live is eternal, we somehow remain in a temporal universe. We somehow exist here although we are truly, and everything is truly, eternal. I don't know why or exactly how, but it seems to be the case. Even though I know all of this is illusory, it is still here. I am still here. Lol. It's kind of nice. At least for now. 

Man oh man..

There is so much happening within me it's crazy. It's incredible. It's just exploding out of me. I am cursed focused on getting everything organized. It's bubbling out like a pit demon. Lol. I'll do anything to move the ball forward. Anything I can at least. All I look for is positive ways to open up my mind and my being. To harmonize and deepen my energies. To see myself more clearly and to stay on the edge of the game. Ha this is great! If I'm pinned down, to get up. If I am walking, to run. If I am running, to fly. If I am flying, to soar. Let's fucking go. Take on the world. Do it all. Go the distance. Make it happen. Brute force. Will it. Power, presence, perfection. Let's fucking go. I have been knocked down and afraid to get up. Afraid of myself and afraid of my dreams. Afraid of myself. But that's where my love is. That's where my purpose is. This is where I want to be. Everyday, doing my best, being my best, discovering who I am and being who I am with everything I've got. I love being alive. Sometimes it fucking hurts, but what can you do? Get up and try again. Beat down the opposition, leap over hurdles, race to the finish. Triumph over weakness. This is what life is about. Winning. Winning for yourself by being yourself without compromise every moment of every day. Having the courage to stand your ground against whatever odds and rise to the occasion. Fight back the darkness, establish your being, and conquer everything. I mean it. Conquer everything. Everything you are afraid of. Everything that holds you down. You don't have to be immortal. You live to be fearless. Fearlessness is conquering yourself. Mastering who you are. Mastering life. Why the fuck not? What else do you have to do? Sit around and twiddle your thumbs? Life will come to you if you get out there and meet it half way. You don't have to know everything, you have to know enough to stay on your feet long enough to figure out what to do next. Long enough to improve, to secure your position, and set out again. Deeper and further and more challenging. Let's fucking go. Burn that fat, lift those weights. Get it into higher gear. Lock it down and work it out. Take a chance and make your place in the world. Gotta get that territory. Physical, personal, mental, spiritual. Make space for who you are so that you can be yourself. You need breathing room. Sometimes it's not easy to get. You can do it. Just gotta go for it. Hands up, eyes ready, back straight, feet set. Let's go. Time to go. Time to get out there and get it!!!!Let's fucking go mutherfucker!!!

Sunshine

 Another day not another dollar. Slept like 9 hours plus last night. Had a nice stretch session this morning. Have some honey in my hot oatmeal. Waiting for it to cool down. Yum. Ok. So what is the whole, and who are you and I in it? The whole is everything. Everything that is now. This. Here. Now. Whatever it is, it is. It is the whole. You and I are not who we think we are. We are this. We are the whole. We are not in it. We are it. We are not individual selves. There is the whole and we are all it. Not among ourselves, or as ourself, simply as the whole. It is who we are. It is what we are. I don't think it has any specific way that it is. Any standard. It is simply the whole and it is simply what is. When we do not see it, I wonder if we are seeing at all. I wonder if we are at all. It is the base point of reality that when we lose track of we fall into delusion and madness. We have so many ideas about what the whole is, basically any idea about what is true and right. We cling to these ideas as if they were the whole. They do there best to point to the whole, but they fail often when they take on the impression that they are the whole, almost always at the expense of something else. We fervently wish to cling to these ideas because we are so insecure about who we are and we are afraid of death and suffering. We blindly cling to anything that will keep our heads above the thrashing waters of the sea. Because we do not know what is real, we don't know if what we cling to is real or not and often we are too afraid to assess if it is so, because the act of assessing may undermine the strength that it gives us in the world and we may fall again into the frightening uncertainty of the sea. It becomes the greatest assumption that what is here is something we can cling to, because if it is not, then we will have nothing to keep us above water. What is real must be something we can cling to because I am so afraid and everyone is so afraid of not having anything to cling to, that we imagine can protect ourselves. So it cannot be something that I cannot name, it cannot be something that I can always hold onto, it cannot be something that takes me to and beyond my deepest insecurity. It must be a thing, an idea, a particular way that is supreme. I will not look anywhere else because anywhere else has the potential to completely undermine my existence, anywhere else has the potential to take away all my protections. So I won't look there. There has to be something here that can protect me forever. I am afraid to let go of control over my life. I am afraid to look at this moment and be completely open to see what it may be. In fact I have nearly completely forgotten how to do so, how to see without the filter of my fears. I will search for anything else but this. When this is the only thing that can free me from my suffering. From my constant fear and anxiety. This is the only thing that can let me be myself here and now. Thus is the dilemma of the human being. Terrified of death when facing death is the only way to live fully in the moment. Death is suffering and torment. It is the unknown. Our society and our lives are filled with immortality constructs. They and we are filled with ideas that promise freedom and salvation when they really are imaginary rafts that we cling to in an infinite and perhaps unpredictable sea. They are distractions that keep us from really looking at who we are and what is going on. This will save you. No, this, will save you. This is real. There are many real things about much of these ideas, but it is their heart that is the distraction, that is founded on perpetuating ignorance of what may be. They keep us turning away from what may be here. We can't say what may be here because we don't look. We cling to ideas that this is what is good for me and this isn't good for me, we cling to these ideas instead of actually looking to see what is good for me. From really deeply examining the reality of everything in our mind. Part of us is always looking for what is real, but so much of us is dominated by fear and egoic clinging to that which we imagine will keep the world at bay. We become more aware of what is real and what is not, but this heart of fearful turning away and clinging remains the center and heart of our experience. We may become spiritual, become seekers, become meditators. Begin asking deep questions about the nature of life, yet we still cling to this heart of fear and turning away and clinging. We slowly open up to the uncertainty of the world, yet this heart remains and becomes more and more subtle. What I am saying is that it is this heart of clinging and fearfully turning away that must be penetrated completely through with insight, and something else must be found, a new yet ancient and eternal awareness, if we are to be free, if we are to truly be ourselves. We must learn to recognize this clinging within us and develop sincere effort to eliminate it from ourselves, or simply develop the sight that penetrates through it and beyond it. I say all of this because so much of the input, nearly all of it, we get from the world is overtly directed at perpetuating clinging. So much of the attention is compulsively perpetuating anxious awareness. However close the input may be to letting go of this clinging, most of it distracts us however subtly from the realization that we are clinging and turning away from truth and that what is real is not an idea and does not depend on any particular form or organization. We search and search and try and think until we realize that all we are doing is perpetuating the idea of the separate self, which is at this moment entirely who we think we are, however spiritual we may claim to be, and that this notion, who we are, is entirely a construct of thought, and is in no way real. Everything we think about ourself is false. Not real. We are not this construct that we are entirely devoted to. We realize the fiction of ourself, the complete and utter fiction of Hannah, James, Esteban, Janell, and we realize that we have completely no power to hold onto it. Because any power we may have to hold onto these constructs is a construct in itself and is completely contrived and not real. What if everything you think about yourself and the world, everything that you perceive and experience is a mental construct that you personally embody to such a degree that you totally believe it is actually real? And you haven't actually looked out at the world in perhaps decades? Or your entire life? You have been looking, but all you see and know is the total immersion filter of you mental construction which you complete embody in your life. Imagine seeing and feeling the edge of this filter for the first time, and seeing and experiencing your entire sense of self, everything that you thought was real up until this point, as a floating idea/image in your awareness. And there's a space in between that and who is looking at it, and who you are is not that at all. That you, (insert name here) are not in fact yourself. That you (your name) are not (your name). Who you are is a complete and total fucking fiction. There is nothing you can cling to, however you imagine yourself doing so. The paradigm you live or lived in never existed. Never ever existed in any way, shape, or form outside of it being a completely contrived notion, an image in your head. Nothing else. This has always been the case. You have never been yourself. You have never been anything you imagined yourself to be. It is a story you tell yourself and the world tells itself. Sorry if this hurts, just trying to help. If you made it this far in this post then your probably seriously examining your life. That space and whatever is looking at (your name) is the whole looking at an ego construct within itself. That space and that awareness is who you are. And don't fucking think this is an idea it's not, it's not a thing. Not. Not. Not. That space and awareness is literally everything everywhere. Everything seen is that. Everything seen in any way. There is no difference between what we may call dimensions or levels of being. That's all horshit. It's just seeing, Just awareness, which is no other than form. And these are just fucking words. You have to see it for yourself. See that everything you are doing is totally imagined in your mind, is totally a mental construct, is not real, and the entire mode of your being, your entire perceived consciousness is totally missing the point. What is outside of who you are is all there is. And there, there is nothing else. 

Write something

 I am going to write something. Hahaha. Aight. Here. We. Go. 

Ok. I am going to flush out some of the contradicting streams of thought going through my head at the moment. Clarify some feelings. Reclaim vision of the way. Ya. So..I was like I'm not gonna see any girls and then wam bam, all about bumble. That first part of me is like what?...are?..you?...doing?...It's afraid its plan is going to be ruined. It had a really nice look at deep awakening and it was like ya, let's just do that. That looks really good. I am totally going to take a shot at that. I don't want to do anything else. I saw that deep awakening didn't include relationships with women probably among other things. I am afraid it will take up too much time and energy and keep me unbalanced. I don't see my journey into God as my journey into relationships with other women or sex for that matter. My experience with God has been so personal and isolated from other people. I am reluctant to open open because of that. I want to be with God and I find that that special connection I have tends to collapse easily when I am around others. Others and women have pulled me away from my dharma in the past. At least what I imagined and felt my dharma to be. It has been such an issue that part of me has completely no issue in completely restricting that aspect of my life for the sake of waking up and being well. I don't know how realistic this path is or how grounded these feelings are in what is real and what is good for me. As much as I am trying to make the best choices concerning what direction I take my life, I am attempting to discover the way I am going. To me we are already on a path of awakening, we already have a trajectory. Discovering this allows your mind to get on with the foot work. It allows your being to open up more to your deeper nature. It really seems like a game that you can't help but play. From this perspective, your going to go there anyway, it's essentially fate, but it seems like figuring out the path is a part of walking it. Figuring out the path is figuring out who you are, and when we don't feel like ourselves we are eager to find out who we are. This brings me to some other feelings.

 I have been feeling more afraid of the path I am on. My inner light isn't as strong. I have had some moments, but I think I am still deeply worried about my safety and wellbeing. I have been for a while and I haven't been able to get to the bottom of these worries at least a lot of the time. Prevalent worries. I have been chronically afraid of what is happening to me. Pretty deeply unsettled matched by perhaps  a stoicism that is a blend of wisdom, apathy, numbness, and disorder of the mind. Kind of cool. I have often been pretty not here. Just waiting for things to change. For things to open up again. There is not much I can do (I think) that I haven't been doing. This part of me is withholding for the right time to apply my inner reserves. To begin to commit myself again to a worthy cause. So far I haven't found the gem. That's why this whole girl thing is fucking unnerving. I just got fucking blown by my last relationship and I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope towards success and security. And I want to pick up that weight? I think deeper within I feel ok, but on the surface ripples manifest constantly and in abundance. I think its gonna be ok. Like really be ok. Maybe it always is and we just lose faith and think the world has gone to shit when it hasn't. I really feel like things are gonna work out for me. I really do. I don't think I have to hold on so hard. I think maybe I can have a little more faith. I think what it really is that I sense that no matter what happens I am almost through the dark ages, so it doesn't matter how much I fuck up, it's gonna work out anyway lol. It kind of feels like a candle burning down low and going out while another kind is just getting going. The first one is this section of troubles I have been going through. The second is the coming and establishment of a deep harmony with life. It's weird how out of my hands this feels. Like I am a pawn on the chessboards of the Gods. And how real it feels. We are taught in the states to make our own luck through hard work and education, yet I feel like this is pure soul. It includes these things, but here these things are made of stardust and starlight. This new candle of reckoning and resolution is such a clear cut departure from the one that has been dominating my life. It's literally a change in the season of my life. Winter to Spring. The King will reign in the Summer. It's like my luck is returning. My godforsaken luck. I have been harboring my doom. The doom of my last life. The harvest I sowed I have reaped. Time for a new dawn. A new Spring. New Life. New potentials. I think it is time to let the light carry me forward. I think it is time to move on again. But, this is what I thought before, and look where it got me...fuck lol. Two + months in the shitter. This is the apparent problem with faith, intuition, feelings, destiny, etc. You better commit when you have something real to commit to, otherwise you may walk willingly right off of a fucking cliff. I won't say I told you so, because I'll say it now. I told you so. Warning to all cheery hearted spiritual seekers setting out into a new world. The universe is vast and beyond your wildest imaginations. Both delightful and terrible in equal scope and depth. It can be utterly merciless. Watch your step, and mind your fanciful thinking. It can easily destroy you when you begin to mettle with deep powers. Realize the scope of the naivety of your society and yourself, the ungroundedness we are taught to relish. Be warned. In the 1981 film Excalibur. the cost to Merlin for bewitching Uther, causing the downfall of Uther's rival, and the birth of Arthur was something like 6 months of slumber where he was unable to awaken in his body on Earth. If you think about it, we are trapped in our own consciousness for perhaps ages as unenlightened human beings. Trapped in darkness and delusion. Your choices affect this sentence. But at the same time, what choice do you have? 

Will and fate are like the yin and yang. Both are truly themselves, yet who they are is one with eachother and who they are individually has some of their other within themselves. Destiny may not be as fixed as we may think. Our will may be able to alter it. And our will is not as much our own as we believe, and we may be fated to make certain choices and behave certain ways. And they are also not what we think they are at all. They are something more. Perhaps something beyond what we are able to reason out in words. Perhaps the path we walk is the same, forever beyond our understanding. What will become of Merlin? A new Spring? Or yet another doom? Here he is now, wondering..

Master D Money Maker

 Like that hook? This one's about the $$. Not really. At least I don't think so. Money money money!! Last night I went to bed thinking that I wasn't going to pursue women and I was going to delete bumble. I get up and see that I have two messages and that plans already out the window. Lol. To be fair, I thought that I didn't know for sure what the hell I would do or how my feelings would change. C'est la vie. Yesterday was harder than I thought. Probably sleep again. Got to dance though, that was cool. Harder in shoes. I'll get better though. Didn't have a lot of deep thoughts yesterday. Just tried to make it through the day. Supposed to be 83 on Saturday. Wtf. In April in the Northwest. Cra-cra. Oh well. My anxiety will not stop global warming. And change is just bound to happen in a lot of ways that I may not like. This doesn't mean that we aren't headed towards deeper love. When I notice myself feeling really bad about logging or more houses and more people I remind myself of the total and deeper movement of life. That I don't think it is as bad as it is. It is just the flow of God. I think I got it from Yogananda. It's like reminding yourself to remember your true self. Somehow it is just ok. I think part of why it feels good is because it brings me to a place where I feel this deeper movement on the planet towards that. It's like my life purpose becomes more clear and I feel like all of this change needs to happen and is a part of the process towards unity. Even if we were headed towards a dark age. I wonder if I would need to worry. I don't think that would be bad. It seems like in those hard feelings we lose sight of our true self and what is real. I lose sight of my place. It feels like when I find my vision, I am filled with contentedness and I think things are going well. I think we can rejoice. I think the planet is waking up. I feel that path and I am so happy. Hmm. I still feel like I have so much to learn. I look forward to being more grounded in the master. There I feel like myself. I feel like I already have a plan and I am already ceaselessly working on fulfilling it. When I am not there I feel lost and adrift. The truth is its always here and now. The master doesn't live in the past and the future. At least in the sense that when we are looking back and looking forward and missing the heart in the present. Right here is always where we find ourself. We think we have lost ourself in the past, or anticipate finding ourself in the future, but these will never suffice. We find ourself by turning to ourself in the here and now. This past and future focus is part of what keeps us from being complete. We are turning away from who we are now because we don't like how we are now. We want to be something different, but we will never be something different because all we are is what we are now. As long as we strive for something else and turn away from ourself now we will stay away from who we are. We find ourself by being with ourself right now. When your motivated by fear you will always miss out on life. Always. You will always be turning away from life no matter how good you think your intentions are. You will always be running away. This happens when you strive to possess particulars. We fixate on them at the expense of the whole because we think it is worth it. We don't realize we are undermining our own being, which without we are nothing. Our culture tells us that things must be a certain way for us to be ok. Being ok really means simply to be. We think we cannot be without these things. We strive for these things in ways against our better judgment, against our conscience which is the only standard we can trust. We believe so strongly that we need to possess these particulars and that these particulars are the way to success and survival, yet they will always keep us from sanity and fulfillment if we strive for them in a way that contradicts our conscience. Our conscience is blinded by conditioned culturization. Our conscience, our deepest, truest, and only self is not dependent on particular conditions. It is free and whole. Its sense comes from awareness of the whole because it is the whole. Because of this it is obviously the best judgment we have. It is also what we truly want. The only way we can be satisfied is if we listen to it and are capable of acting on it. Conditioned beliefs are inherently blind to our truest conscience, the whole. They tell us that life must work in this way and that life must not work in that way. They are just false. Not wholly true. Practiced beliefs that are regiment rather than based off of realities. They are based off the realities of the perceived needs of a culture whether or not those needs are real or whether they are actually good for the people within the culture or outside of it. 

Its so easy to follow these conditioned beliefs. Everyone is or we imagine everyone is following them. They must be right, right? Depends on what you mean by right. The true true. Na dog. Na. It gets really fun when you start to get spiritual with it. Really funny and really confusing. It just gets more and more subtle in our minds the more we wake up. But the reality of what is right, is always incredibly simple. Are you turning away from yourself or not? Are you listening to you conscience or not? This conscience I am talking about is actually more than your conscience. It's being able to see from a place of freedom from the interference of conditioned beliefs. Most peoples consciences are racked with all kinds of ideas which render them incapable of seeing who they really are. Nearly everyone is ruled by their conditioned conscience, even very spiritual people. When you are not ruled by it, you are awake. Being awake is the life that is always within all life and is all life, all consciousness yet it is rarely recognized for what it is by humans. We always see it and we cover it with layers and layers of illusory clothing. What is, is incredibly simple, the way most people look at life makes them look like clowns. Masquerading with all this ridiculous gear on.

I want so badly for people to see how simple it is and how far from it we often are. We just look in all the wrong ways because we believe in what we believe in. We don't know how to look for it. We carry all this weight that we don't need. Anyway. I want to write more, but I gotta get going. 

When you turn away from who you are and how you feel, you turn away from a chance to see more clearly what is real. To find what is real, you have to continually face yourself, face how you feel when it is unpleasant. You have to sift through all of your feelings until you find who you are that is not masked by any of them. Your feelings and your thoughts. If you want to be free, you have to get through all of it. 

Journal #20

 Had some interesting developments last night. Not sure if I can remember them. I think I woke up  in the middle of the nightand felt this budding pressure in my hara, which I think is my solar plexus. It felt like the life force was returning to fill my body, surfacing from deep inner energetic unknotting. It was followed immediately by the thought, "Here we go again." "Time to be really careful" Like the energy is picking up starting to reach out and shape the world again. Pull me into all kinds of new relationships. It felt fresh and good and vitally charged. Like it was rooted in the whole of my body and being. A very unified drive. Yesterday perhaps when I was doing some stretching and energy work I thought that what was missing and perhaps what I needed was fresh energy and new experiences. New feelings, new energies, newness in my life. I remember how I had that before and how rich and enjoyable it was. It kept me moving forward. I have been trying to reclaim what I have been lost. But in a lot of ways, what I lost is dead. I need to pave a new way. I am different now than I was two and a half months ago. I do want to build on much of what I had then, but I think to be alive is to be in the new, to be in the frontier of experience. This is where I feel at ease, flying around and dancing on the wind. Interestingly I have been reclaiming old feelings and currents of development that I lost. Very happily so. Things that were very good and were burgeoning with life. Things that I think are integral to who I am and perhaps are not too far gone to reclaim in a healthy way. It's pretty cool. I look at something and say, "That's how I used to see that" I remember something that I was doing before that I totally forgot about that still feels really good. It has only been two months. To just reclaim the past isn't enough. You have got to connect to who you are now, how you are now, body and mind and soul. Your body has new connections to the world, new impulses, new desires, new passions. Same with your mind. It sees the world in a new way that you may be missing in your focus on the past. You have changed, you are different. Finding out how and living from there is the key to getting going again. Your heart and feelings are different. You want different things and feel different things. Perhaps what you want out of your relationships can't be how it used to be. Maybe holding onto those old perspectives is holding you back from living fully in the present. From being happy, from thriving. Usually this is fear from new things and fear of loss of what is dear to you, or what provides you with security. I had this other experience last night as well. I think this was after this budding in my solar plexus. It is more difficult to remember because it was a feeling and experience with much novelty. It was more visionary. A feeling rooted strongly in my physiological orientation and energy at the time. I felt very present, I saw very clearly. I was very confident in my ability to move through the troubles that I have and foresee in my life. It was like seeing the wave as a whole that is carrying me and will mount as I move forward, and knowing that it is more than sufficient to do what needs doing. I think perhaps it was a feeling of the immediacy of this wave, it's coming much sooner and much stronger than anticipated, the feeling of it coming strongly into my life now. And my being was like, YES in a quiet and subdued way. Like it was composed and prepared for what was coming down the pipe. Quiet, subdued but powerful and roaring within. Fuck. What made this all the more profound is everything that led to this experience, of which I could account in much greater detail than I care too. I have been having really energetic and wonderful experiences with dance where this awesome talent and skill is right beneath the surface and pouring out in spurts. I have been having this knottedness in my gut for perhaps a month and a half, with chronic diarrhea in the morning when I wake up. The knottedness is accompanied by a flashing and lightly sharply striking blackness of energy located in my abdomen and also in my head. For the same time my head has been stormy with racing dark clouds and in a sickening sky of orange, red, grey, and black. Caught up in swelling heat and tightness, sharp jagged thoughts racing like the clouds and vision out of control that knots up my insides with it's great and uneven pace. I truly have felt sick and enshrouded in veils of shadow and darkness, gloom. But not thoroughly depressed, just tossed on the sea and caught up in keeping my balance as best as possible. Too much movement to sink fully into despair. Too jarring and too much lightening. Moving through a strange land. Fortunately through the darkness of Winter. I feared for the combination of this orchestration with the heat and energy of warmer weather. It had much abated by last week and had been noticeably on the upswing in fairer climate for the last two weeks or so. Even so, through deep and energetic taichi/martial arts movements and explosive dance movements after a hike, I developed a sever tightness in my lower back that left me walking like an old man with a cane on and off for a week during the first three days of which I was unable to do anything but sit around my home. This happened roughly two and a weeks ago. This tightness and the events that led to it felt like the awakening of energies that I had lost two months ago, that poked their head out of the shell, but largely remained within it. Strong enough to pull my lower back into a twisted mess. If I was worried, I was barely worried. I had a feeling that it would unravel quickly. It had a certain lightness to it. This tightness has decreased until the present where it is barely noticed, undulating in its severity along the way. It too seemed apart and helped define the stormy and rocky terrain I have been passing through. A lightning bolt of uneven transformative change. If we go back even further. One of the last great feelings and visions I had before the collapse was that I would collapse, as I had in the past, but not in the same way. What led to this fall was a striking of a bell that although momentarily deafening would lead me forward into reclaiming my life and my way, and even eventually fulfilling this episode of my destiny. Very portentous. I had lost the stature which supported this vision and I have been in the described climate, more or less, since. Doubting greatly if what I saw and felt was true. Before I was on a trajectory of great transformation, that until recently I had largely forgotten in the confusion of my mind. Lastly, two nights ago, I experienced slightly greater anxiety and tightness upon going to bed which led to shallower and sharper sleep which left me tired and spiked in the morning. I had been sleeping much better over the last week until this night. It was a sharp accent in the progress I had made. It felt like it was leading to something. The racing clouds returned stronger than they had been throughout the last week last night and were contained in a minor head ache. I haven't had a headache in months and I took ibuprofen which I often don't take. It helped and I went to bed still feeling a tighter edge in my energy, yet well. I woke up a few hours later with the budding in my solar plexus and perhaps later with the vision and heightened presence. I stayed awake for an hour or so with this presence until it faded and I slept. The tightness has returned slightly and it colored my sleep and my feeling upon waking, making the episode I experienced last night more distant than I would have liked. All of the storminess of my past and present shifted into that presence last night. The contrast made it profound. The vision was stronger than what I had in the past. Stronger than perhaps anything else I have experienced. I am definitely on a path. A path of greater transformation than I imagined. The batter has hit this ball and it is headed out of the park. Going, going, gone.

Journal #19 Couch-me

Didn't sleep deep last night. Woke up after a dream where I was bending this monster kind of into a ring or something. And as this was happening there was a voice that said the light and the darkness are the same. Something like that. The dream didn't have anything overtly related to that. The feel of the dream has sort of pervaded the whole day. Maybe I can get to the bottom of that line. Light and darkness are the same. They are the same really. Light and darkness are the same. There is no difference between the two outside of what we imagine. They exist as particular forms, but it seems like ultimately they are the same. Light is darkness. Darkness is light. What else can this mean? Good is the same as bad. This seems true now. Bad is the same as good. Wow. I have never seen this so clearly. I have always been so bothered by my personal attempts to resolve the war between Light dark, good and bad, and their subsequent impulses. Now it appears clearly that they are the same. Good and bad are the same. Wow. I am unsure whether I can be good or bad. I think that I just am. I think the thought that we have departed into one or the other doesn't convey an actual reality. I don't think we depart from this moment, however we think we may. 

I think that I am departing from this moment, perhaps from the Light from goodness, into darkness and I think this is entirely happening in my imagination. I don't think I have ever departed from anything. Or reached anything for that matter. I think that I am reaching something good and worthy and departing from something bad, keeping something bad at bay. I have been missing the point. All this thought is a distraction from what is. It is just meaning making. Largely cultural. It has meaning to me personally, but it is not what I think it is. I thought it was necessary. I think that I can gain something. I can't really. Not how I thought. I thought that my heart was the heart, but it is not. It is just a construct. The heart isn't attached to any particulars, nor dependent on them. It's all fucking dreaming. All not real. Jesus fucking christ. This is all a fucking dream. Everything we think about ourselves, who we are. Made up shit. I'm fucking couch. I'm fucking couch...what phenomenal status. Couch-me. I am couch-me. Not even fucking couch-me. Just couch. Couch. If you want to get a hold of me I am not sure you can. Couch. Yup. Meaning and value are personal. They are real to who we are as people, but I am not sure if they are objectively real. Couch. Couch. I don't think these feelings are going away anytime soon. But I don't think they have as much weight as I thought. They don't. They fucking don't. It's a goddamn relief that they don't too. They are so fucking heavy. Heavy bowl of illusions. Heavy bowl of mist. Wait?...where is the bowl? What was I looking for anyway? Hmmm...don't remember. Rock. Tree. Dirt. Mountain. Hill. Thought. feeling. Trippy inner awareness. Lol. No body's home. Yet somehow I am all of this, and I have a hell of a lot of feelings about it. I have a heart. It is one with couch. I am couch-hearted. Obviously you know this, but I feel it is important to clarify. I am this being alive within all this form. Like woah...w..t..f..is going on...Why the fuck am I here? Why is this happening? Omg..?Wtf is that? Holy shit...wtf is that! That is pretty cool. Why is that cool. No fucking clue...Lol. Why does this seem like such a fucking joke? I think it's because it feels like I'm doing it to myself. Like here you go fuckhead. Have some of this. I know what it is going to do to you and I am going to watch and laugh my ass off as you run around in circles like a buffoon. I don't think I could play a better joke on myself. Give myself a sense of superiority and then make myself incredibly limited. Lol. It's a very good way to run into walls. If only these walls didn't appear and disappear like magic?...Or the pathways...I don't like free falling through unknown space...It can be quite terrifying...Lol. It's kind of great that there's nothing I can fucking do about it. Like I don't have a responsibility for anything that happens. I know you can equal sustain the opposite position, but what I say is valid. There is nothing I can do about what is happening. It just is and I am not responsible for it. It is completely out of my control. And I also just don't fucking care what happens. I don't care and I never will. Because I am couch. Couch. It just doesn't fucking matter. Rock. Bird. Clouds. Sky. Yup. This world feels like such a dream right now. I know it has some sort of reality to it, but now it seems like such a wisp of smoke passing through my mind..and I have no legitimate or lasting interest in it. The great beyond is my home. Hence Merlin. Honestly, I think this highlights my desire to live and be in the beyond...and just not be here on this planet in this life. I just don't often believe in this world. Nope. 

Journal # 18 If we are God, wtff is the point of striving for God

 Didn't realize how many layers there were to this recuperating shit. Not quite sure entirely what happened. Another puzzle on a heap of puzzles. I do feel stronger and wiser within. I don't feel as terrible about what happened, or as guilty. I feel more capable of doing better the next time things come around. Hopefully I won't get rocked as hard for a long time. I had a cool experience on Easter. My energy was swinging up and down a lot during that week and on Easter, which I barely remembered was Easter, I didn't have a lot of what let's call personal energy. I was feeling tight and trapped in my body and life, but not too much. It was bothering me less than it has in the past, but it still was bothering me. A feeling of lightness returned to me after a while and I felt it was time to eat. I ordered and picked up some food from a Mexican restaurant, and although I was still tired and hungry, my mood had much improved. When I started eating, I believe I gave thanks for the food and to Jesus for all the work that he's done for us, and my consciousness and energy and being opened up to him and the field of ascended masters and enlightened consciousness. I realized that I had not experienced this in months and I remembered that before it was a significant part of my life. I felt so much love and it felt like home. They felt nearly beside me as I ate and I felt so blessed. That's where my heart is. That is where I want to live from. That is where I find myself and my life purpose. I know it. They are my family and that is where my soul rests. I won't be content until I live from that space moment to moment in my life. In a sense I already do, I just forget that I do. We all do. We fall into the knots of fixed attention and deluded conditioned thinking, under and within veils of illusion and darkness. Or shadow. Shadow cast by the light. Let's make love our purpose. It's funny how easy it is to be convinced that our fixed ways are the way. To think it's vitally important that we hold ourself in aggressive and worried postures towards particular aspects of our lives. It is easy for most of us to fall into these patterns. And apparently quite difficult to break free from them in a deep way. We think this is true, and because we think and believe it so strongly perhaps it is. On the other hand, it may be very false to think so. From a place of enlightened perspective, there is infinite power everywhere to do whatever we want. We merely have to wish for anything to be so. Perhaps we experience such stuckness because we don't wish for better things. We don't think we can. We don't think it's possible. But have we actually examined ourselves objectively to see if this is possible? I think we feel so terribly about ourselves that we imagine our path in life as one full of suffering in which someday we may find peace and happiness. We have so much doubt over our ability to truly succeed in fulfilling our hearts desires and so much hurt feelings over this and the fact that we are not doing it, that we don't actually see what we are or aren't truly capable of. What we are capable of becomes dependent on these hurt feelings and doubts rather than on our true capacity for personal fulfillment. The veil becomes the standard when we have all this power within us all the time. So when enlightened beings say all you have to do is wish for it to be different ,they mean it and they are speaking they truth. We have just forgotten who we are and the power we hold within us. Maybe instead of focusing on what's wrong with us as much, we should focus on what is right. I think we are too critical of ourselves. To critical in general. We can lighten up. Simpy by realizing that we are lighter than we think we are. What is true about us? What is fully true about who we are? What is the truest way we can define our experience? All spiritual seekers are searching for God because they intuit  that who they are in the deepest most truest sense is God or is divine. Perhaps instead of focusing on the obstacles real or imagined between us in realizing or approaching God and working on those so hard, we can focus more instead on how if that is what we intuit we are most deeply, in the most real way, then don't we have the power right now to be free of all those obstacles? Aren't many if not all of them not real aspects of ourself? Aren't we truly the perfect embodiment of Light and enlightened consciousness with infinite levity, grace, and power? With perfect control, perfect love, and perfect wisdom? Is this not who we really are? Must we struggle so against what may simply be our own imagination? Are we not wholly divine now? Are we not one with the Creator? Are we not God perfectly embodied in human form? Is this not so? I believe that this is the truth. And this is reason to have faith in who we are instead of what we are afraid of. 

When do we stop playing games? When do we acknowledge the simply reality that what we are looking for is truly who we already are. All the wisdom traditions say so. Our initial realizations as spiritual seekers confirm this. Then we set out to gain Godhead like we set out to do everything else. Stop! You are God, you know this. You make all these plans to realize God when you know you are God instinctively. You start taking all this action to realize God and you forget what you first learned. You are God right now. So how can anything you are doing to get to God serve any purpose? If you have made this deduction that God is truly who you are right now maybe you can save yourself some time and energy. So if you are God right now then what does this mean for you? What does it mean about you? Perhaps you see this great gap between you and fully experiencing this truth. Well if there is a gap, and you are God. Can't you just instantly cross it? If you really are God, then how can there be a gap at all. If you really are God then everything you experience right now, everything you think, feel and perceive, everything you do, is God doing, being, perceiving, feeling, and thinking these things. I say is. Not veiled in any way, not distant or remote in any way, not anything that we can't truly realize, see or experience, or know. If everything is One and you are ultimately truly One with everything, then how can anything you are experiencing, anything about you not be not be One right now? Think about it. If you are One with everything and everything is One. What the flying squirrel tipped fuck is the point of doing anything in anyway for the sake of becoming one, or making the world One, whole, etc? It's stark raving madness to do so, and yet nearly every spiritual seeker does. WTFF? We don't take the time to think these things through. Or we do over years and years of time and effort. Fortunately, the way is shortening for many of us as more and more truth is distilled with every waking moment. Although I searched for God in various ways and with various compulsive methods, I had a strong sense early on that I was already God and that I was wasting my time trying to attain God. Instead of trying to attain God through some kind of meditation or mindset, my practice became telling myself that this is it over and over again. In all situations when I noticed (still when I notice) myself reaching in compulsion and anxiety and fear to try and solve my problems I chided myself and said within, no, it is here, now. This is it. This is God, this is whole. This must be truth, however horrible and unworthy it appears. Reaching in anxiety and fear, reaching compulsively, is turning away from what is arising in this moment, it is sacrificing what is real for what is hoped to be attained for the non-real self through conditioned and dead thinking and being. This is the definition and heart of sin. It is the act of losing faith in what is, the whole, that is here and now, and abandoning oneself in the darkness and unrighteous sin of delusion. When you abandon the whole, you abandon life, and you give in to madness. You become a destructive alienating force however subtle your turning of face. God knows what you are doing, and more importantly, you know what you are doing.  

We perceive it to be far easier to continue striving for betterment and self-improvement that to except this fact. To do so would mean giving up that which makes us feel secure. It would mean abandoning your compulsive will which is the heart of your conscious self. It would mean facing your incredible insecurities. It would mean facing the terrible void welling up within you, that grows each day you turn away from yourself, each day you don't have faith in what is real and you abandon truth for the nightmare that is the separate self sense and our soulless way of Western living. School. Degree. Job. Work. Family. TV. Loads of worthless shit. Doing doing doing everything we are told to do. The heart slowly slips away. Being slowly rots and decays into the maw of the terrible void. The living death. Where are you? Where is God? Right here. But you won't look here. Because here is the reality of your empty life and the empty world we live in. Here is the reality of your faithlessness. You are terrified of faith because society is terrified of faith. We have sold out to corporate fancies. Obviously not entirely, obviously we are not entirely soulless. But you get the picture. You see the monster I am pointing to. God, you, knows that the way you are living is wrong. God knows better. God knows you are completely wasting your time and that you are sinking lower and lower. God knows this is destroying the world bit by bit, choice by choice and God knows how to fix it. Simply stop giving in to compulsive death eating impulses. Be here and now. Face your fears, face what you know is true. Carry the weight consciously. You carry it anyway even if you think you have successfully fled from it and hidden yourself in the various pleasures rewarded to you by this world and this society for successfully denying your conscience. Your conscience which is a truer survival instinct than herd mentality mind you. Good luck with madness. I'm sure that will work out. For you and everyone else. Good luck with that. 

In reality, how much of a choice do we have? Between accepting that yes I am God, and no I am not God, I am this stricken isolated self. Well it depends on who you are. Maybe we always have the power to do whatever we wish. How many of us will use it if things remain as they are now? Where perhaps the most dominant conscious force is egoic consciousness? I think in reality, we won't make the choice to do otherwise until the reality of Godhead is much more apparent. Which thankfully, it is becoming. Thanks to all of us, slowly chipping away at the web of Maya and to the big guns in the Sky, making waves with super-love. They are like, "I fucking love you, stop being a dolt, you have infinite power, I touch you in the brains." And then they touch you in the brains with angel's wings and give you funny inspirations that cascade into impossibly life changing currents. Bespoken by the God's bitches! They be workin us. Just fuckin sky playas. Like flip, tip. Damn son. Wakin souls bitches. Basically....

Alright. I'm done. Merlin Out!!

Whole

 Whole. Whole. The whole is the whole. Whatever it may be, that is it. Whole everywhere. Complete. Whole. Whole. Whole. 

Fire on the Mountainside

Fire on the mountainside
Fire in the plains
Fire in the tundra
Fire in the way
Fire over water
Fire over land
Fire through the city streets
Fire in the mind of man
Fire burns for tomorrow
Fire burns for today
Fire burns away the flesh
Fire burns away the life
A mad fire driven by the light of the sun
I have forgotten this blazing heat
Burning at my side
I have forgotten the unrelenting flames
That will not die
They have burned away my name
They have burned away my life
I cannot reach within them
For they are much too strong
I stand here in the furnace
Burning at my flesh
Locked in the furnace
With not but fire to digest
I have done my best to conceal
This from my mind
The fact that I am burning
Burning all the time
Numb to the fire
Numb to the heat
Numb to feeling
To my destiny
My soul is locked in shadow
Hidden by smoke
Where my body is burning
Where my life is spent
Trapped in fire
Trapped in pain
Trapped in torment
Again and again and again
I did not know I would go to the land of burning
But there I find myself
Where light shines strongest and sets the world ablaze
Fueled by fear
And fueled by terror
Fueled by hunger
Of ravaging desire
Driven by lust
For what life holds
I dwell in the flames
Within the soil
Within the life
Within the light
Fire and might
Battle unending
Fight for control
Fight for possession
Fight for occupancy
To escape depression
Bent and beaten
Covered in dirt and rags
Climbing in the pit
Death to all that stand before me
Burning fire glows in my eyes
Surrounded by flame and magma
I will consume the Earth
Leveling it in my power
Tying all to my will

There is so much I want to say, but I don't know where to begin. I can't seem to reach my life. This life trying to live. Trying to be. Struggling in the noose. Struggling with chains around it. Suffocating in the flames in the hollows of the Earth. How do I give life to thee? How do I make peace with thee? How do I bring thee into the world? How do I make thee a place to grow and to live? I am afraid I cannot. I am afraid the task is to great and I am too weak. I am so tired of being weak. So tired of struggling so seemingly against the world. Tired of such weight depressing me and blinding me. Tired of being muted. Of being stilled. Tired of the fire and the flames. Tired of burning like a smoldering log. Tired of this way. Of this path. I am tired of being blind. Tired of flailing so. I want to stand tall and true, present yet free and unobstructed by the way. 

Power

 Waiting for the power. The power ebbs and flows like the tides. It waxes and wanes like the moon. From thought and feeling to raw power to ritual. The power shapes the world. It moves through most like a trickle of water running down a hillside. It is used spread out and bound in the many thoughts of I am this and not that. Where are the teachers to show us otherwise? It is caught up in limiting beliefs and low self-esteem. It is simply poured out down the drain into the corporate consumer fantasy. It is contained in flowers. In the soil. In all living things. In all things. It is always channeled through us. Yet we often are unskilled in channeling it. We use it to accomplish what we do. It is what binds us to life, it is the alchemy which manifests the union of ourself and what we desire. It is the power of the alchemy which is the ordinary transmutation of the universe. Intelligence means vision which means intention. Will so to speak. The universe is endowed with will. Everything. Including atoms and protons and whatever is here. It all has a will to be and to be something more. It is this will which shapes the universe. Everything around you is willing the universe to be other than it is. Everything around is a swirl of the natural force of transmutation. A beating vital force of creation. All drawing on the power to continue to exist and continue to change. Awareness of this power and skill in using it can lead to great things. To heightened power. To heightened ability. If misused, it can lead to your death. Or it can drive you mad. To sustain it, you must find a way to balance the power in your body and in your life. You must find balance between yourself and the world. Between yourself and the universe. 

The reality is that you are already balanced because you are the universe. You are not just the body mind nexus you call yourself. The universe is already perfectly balanced as it is right now and you are it. It is not seeing this that makes us feel out of balance. We are the whole not the part alone. We have infinite power at our disposal at all times to do whatever we wish. This is the truth. How we experience this truth is most often different for mostly all of us most of the time. There is some kind of subjective unraveling of experience which leads to this realization to the nature of life as it is always. A transformation of our personal perception which is largely illusory. It is a transformation that we undergo and we carry out. In a sense that we are responsible for. In which the way to balance, which appears to be a term with meaning perhaps only in a subjective relative sense within our human experience, we must behave a certain way to discover certain things about ourself which allow us to live in harmony with life. It is through our feelings that we discover a greater sense of self which when missing leads to all sorts of trouble. These feelings eventually lead to the realization that things have always been perfectly balanced as they are and that ourselves, the universe, needs nothing to be added to it to make it whole. In a way the term balance may have no significance because it's meaning appears only to apply to the perception of a separate self that does not in reality exist. It is synonymous with God, nature, reality, universe. As a word it points to the true nature of reality, which very simply is reality. It is our separate self sense which makes us have to delineate between real and not real, when in fact all there is is reality, the whole, everything, here and now. Words words words. Silly words. Balance in its truest sense points to a harmony between oneself and the world which in fact is a complete singleness of self and world, which is not often how we perceive balance, but it remains to be the heart of it. Waking up is simply realizing that all our virtues and ideals point to reality as it is now. We simply stutter along we confused heads clutching these things because it's the best we can do as we pass the domain of ego consciousness. They all point to this whole that we live in, which is not a word. The best I can do is point very effectively at it. I can say that power is infinite everywhere, but this just points to a cursed smudgling of what is going on. But it may be meaningful to state because of how we as humans experience the universe and understand what we call power.

 If we have all this power all the time then why don't we use it? Again we are failing to see the big picture. We are using it because we are the universe. Which from our frame of understanding is always infinitely active. We think that our egos must somehow wield this power for this claim to be true. I must be all powerful. I Rhonda must be all powerful. Who we think we are is not who we actually are. We think we are these limited bodymind beings when in fact we are everything that we can perceive and more. The category of bodymind being is hilariously a subcategory to the main category of who we are. However we imagine ourself to be doing, the universe is fully operational. The universe is the eternal infinite power, we are the universe, we are not who we think we are. We feel powerless. How much of this is imagined? Are we ever truly powerless? How much of what you think about this do you know to be true? 

Sandcastle, memory, forgotten, fear, darkness, fight

 So much going on within. So much sight. So much movement. Like a ray of light piercing through the clouds and striking the landscape, the Earth, beneath. Beholding in the light. Through the storm comes the ray of light. All is revealed. To go so much further. To go so much further beyond what I see know. To leave it the dust, in the quickly forgotten past. To strike down reoccurring elements with the whip of the wind and a stream of lightening. An old skin, sliding off new flesh, bright eyes and unhindered movement. Weight to dust. Dust to wind. Never again. To change the way with a nearly violent flash of thought. A rockslide. An arrow striking the target. Sinking into wood. To go from coarse to fine and find yourself in the sparkling dust amid the many colors of the Kosmos. The castle thought of rock, made of sand, toppling as its foundations dissolve in swelling water. The sand returning to the beach, to the water, to the sea and nothing is left, but the memory of a unique play of the elements. A memory of play at the beach in the bright sun and blue sky. So light that it does not hold one's attention. One's attention is free to drift and float and mingle where it may. Lifted by the breath and spirit of the birthing of the new in the now. The tie has been cut, the spirit is freed. Much passes. Much passes. Where am I to be found? Where am I to be found? Fear of falling, fear of light, fear of pain and death and torment. Cling to life, cling to death. Cling to shadow. Cling to fear. Lost in thought. Lost in this world. In this life. Lost. Drifting and lost. Alone and forgotten. Fallen under. Swept underneath in the depths. A jewel in the river. A jewel in the sea. Tucked away between rock and soil. Forgotten. This jewel. This life. It shines ever so brightly. Ever so beautifully, but it is covered by mud. It is diminished in the depths. Concealed. Forgotten. But true. But the soul. But the life. But the way. Green and lustrous emerald in the depths. Shining brilliantly of its own light. Calling me home. Calling me back. Filling me with blood, with purpose, with memory. Filling me with life yet again. Do I yet struggle in the depths? Have I not escaped? Am I still beaten and broken? Do I shine now? May I shine again? May I live? Is such real? I am caught beneath the surface of the wave, yet I ride it. It carries me ashore. Slowly we make our way ashore. To land, to self, to purpose, to life. My eyes are still veiled in shadow. I am yet to see. I am beneath the surface, close to the surface, close to my life. Close to freedom. Tied in the torment of thought. Is this a dream? Is this real? Where am I? Who am I? What am I? What is worth seeking, if anything at all? What is my purpose? What is my love? What is my life? It seems I have forgotten again. The strand has slipped from my fingers and drifted away in the currents of the unfathomable universe. The gargantuan expanse. I feel as though I walked freely, again into my death, which is the death of forgetfulness. The painful sea of suffocating delusion. This tide has come upon me. What was revealed has been covered with its return. What can I do but mind the tides? What can I do but watch the changing of the shoreline? What can I do but hope I will awaken again? I can do my best to shine in darkness. To shine brightly in darkness, perhaps bright enough that I will regain my sight. Perhaps bright enough that I will remember strength. I feel that the world is working for me again. Perhaps it always has and I merely scorn it in my ignorance. I am slowly awakening again. I have been for some while. The bliss of where I was leaves scarred pain in my heart. In my memory. The fear and the turmoil surrounding what has happened keeps me in the shadows. Keeps me buried in darkness. Drowning in myself. Some wounds appear so difficult to face. Such pain and fear and emotion. Apparently much to much to bear. To bring again into awareness. What else have I to do? But toil and tend to my shrinking self? My fearful and hurt self? It is the way, the guard, the gate, and the key. As much as I would like to leave this portion of myself in the dust. It seems that I cannot. I must pick it up and take it with me. It is the lantern in the dark. My heart. My feeling. My soul. Without it, I am lost. I remember that there was something more. Something more that I had. It is painful to remember. I shrink from memory. I still wish to be left alone. Something I had. Something precious to me. Something so precious that I have not had for much much time. That I hold so dear that I don't wish to think of it for fear of sending it away with my thoughts. I had a greater sense of self. Death to me for remembering. Twice death. Don't remind me fool. The memory will lure me to agonizing pain in rekindled passion for life that I am too weak to fulfill. Let me lie in the dirt with the dogs. Without memory, without life, and without pain. I do not care for this world without life. I do not care for life without myself. I spurn myself for the destruction of something so precious, so dear. A history of pain, impossible to forget. A blanket of terrorizing shadow and hellfire. The thought that I do not have control over this life. Over this light that can so easily be forgotten, diminished, terrorizes my soul. It cannot bear the thought of returning to hell yet again. Yet the strength I gain from meticulous reconstruction leads to this openness, this doom. I am afraid. Very, very afraid. Yet I have courage and great tenacity. I wish to conquer this darkness. This ocean of unknown obstacles. When I am not afraid, I wish to conquer it. I rally to conquer it. I bend every fiber of my being to deny it. To overcome it. It is a torrent of water and fire. A blistering waterfall of every kind of weakening device. We see it as so many different faces in the world. Call it by so many different names, but it is all the same. It is the black death. It is the undoing. That which unmakes what is made and returns it to darkness. Without proper orientation towards it, it will destroy you. It will use you to destroy yourself. There must be balance for there to be light. It's wickedness festers in our own minds. Viruses. We must sufficiently root it out by rooting out our dependence on what is fiction. On what is faithless, virtueless, groundless. Fear is its heart. To undo it, we must undo our fear. We can only undo our fear in life. In living. In being here with what we have, however painful it may be. It is the only way forward. It is not something we can help. Here we are, awake with our demons. Beset by dangers, troubles, obstacles. On the road that passes through high mountains with sheer cliff side. To make it through we must continue on. Continue on the dark road. The dark road is still and always will be the road of life. It is our faithlessness that sends us into hell. Keep faith, keep strength, stay true to the course. Plod along. Live here. As brightly as you can. Shine out. Fill the world with your heartfire. With your heart light. Fill the world with your song. Breathe deeply, take what you can. Be strong. Be as strong as you can be. Fight against fear. Fight against forgetting. Fight against what keeps you down, what holds you back. Fight for every step of the way. Never give up, never surrender. Hold on to what is true. Fight against everything else. Tooth and nail. Rail against the darkness, rail against your demons, rail against what would undo you. Fight to live and live to fight. Fight back everything that threatens you. Push it back to the wall. Defeat it. Destroy it. Undo it. Conquer it and conquer the world. Conquer yourself. Conquer your fears. Conquer your life. Master everything. Become yourself. Become all that you can be. Never give in. Never surrender.