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Thursday, April 23, 2020

Journal Entry #14 Being, Ego, Dreaming, Being Awake, THE RETURN OF THE POINT (The point V)

What is there to see here?
Trees, boards on a deck, a watch on my wrist
What's going on?
Moment and stillness
Life and nothing
Presence
Every and any kind of flow
Floating in the void
Is there anything behind what I see?
Perhaps. What is behind that?
I think I seek merely to see what I am
Which is my boundless nature
This is my sole purpose
To be aware of myself
To live in awareness of myself
This is what I am.
Being. Awareness
All that I am. No more.
When I am and do not see this, I suffer.
I suffer in how I do not see this.
In how I believe I am other than this
This is all I am
Being.
Perhaps not even this.

Everything else appears secondary
Transient and unimportant
It simply seems like it is
All of this seems transient
This moment seems to pass before I experience it
I feel like I'm grasping at it like something not quite here
Something not quite formed
I know that I am formed, but I do not see it or experience it clearly.
At least I don't think that I do.
It is probably all I do see.
My brain is stuck wallowing in despair
It lacks the proper balance of chemicals and energies.
It clings to it's fears like a fading dream lingers in our minds when we awaken and begin to go about our day
The mentality we have as participants in our dreams still affects us after we awake. It slowly moves to the back of our mind, diminishing. The same is true of the ego; it slowly diminishes in our minds, occupying dimensions of less and less importance. The illusory reality of it's existence, it's struggling and desiring, exist and pass just as dreams pass from the mind as one awakens from sleep. At first easily confused with waking reality, then,  as we gradually come to our senses, more and more obviously perceived as sputterings of an imagination disconnected from reality. (I refer only to the manufactured aspects of dreams here. The superficial images and environments that are in no way real, but do contain real feelings and thoughts of the dreamer.)

     The ego seems to be a projection of light onto a movie theater screen. We sit in a seat in the theater, which in this case is in our minds, and watch the film, our lives, play out. For a while we are completely captivated by the movie, fully immersed to the point of forgetting that we are sitting there watching it. We believe that it is our life, who we are. Then we slowly remember that , "Wait?, I don't think this is real." "I think i am something else." "Oh ya!, I'm just sitting in this theater watching this film." "Ah, this is who I am. this is what is real."
     This is the nature of the ego and of waking up from the dream of the ego. Much of our world is hypnotized by the dream of the ego, utterly confused about the nature of reality and who they are; believing that they are these little people with little dreams about little things. In no way is this bad. It just is. Just as trees and plants blossom in Spring. It does cause wars and suffering. Still, not bad, just painful and perhaps sad. Definitely frequently unpleasant. It is our very ego that says, "This is bad." "We must change it." I don't think we need to get rid of the ego because it is bad, I think it may be reasonable to get rid of it because it hurts so much. It may be awful. This too may be the trappings of the ego. But, I think it is not egoic to wish for people to be happy and well, but perhaps it is. Perhaps it is still blindness and imaginings of separation between what may be.
     Is it egoic to feel compassion for individuals who suffer? Are we judging them? I think it is true that they are sad, yet it may also be true that they are not; for I believe who we are underneath the sadness is always unblemished. And perhaps what we are sad about is something that we ought not to be sad about.
     It is confusing to imagine that "ultimate reality" is the same thing as egoic perception. That even in our blindness, we are whole and awake. This has been and still often is pretty confusing to me. The truth is that we are awake, yet we live in a world of delusion. ??? I wonder, is this still the reality of ascended masters like Jesus, the Buddha, and St. Germaine? You would think by their titles that they have "ascended"delusion and have "mastered" maya, the world of delusion. I feel that it may be possible to be perfectly enlightened, perhaps like them. But is this just a waste of time? Are we not perfectly enlightened now?
     This quandary is apart of my daily struggle for motivation. Why do anything if I am perfect as I am? Why strive for perfection of mind, body, and spirit that i already possess? I am perfect. I am awake. I am fulfilled. It seems like I am awake, within the mind (imagination) of delusion. Like, I am a star (awakeness) shining Light out into the darkness (delusion). Delusion is simply one of the infinite number of forms in the universe. The promniverse! Lol. Part of me desires to shine brighter, to use delusion as fuel for my becoming more of myself. I guess part of who I am is still immersed in delusion and believes it needs to break free of it, to be something more. This delusion still operates as delusion within me. the key is not forgetting that there is no difference between being awake and being asleep (lost in delusion). A key I often misplace. I imagine my desire as being different from desirelessness. I imagine that my pain is separate from my joy, that doing is somehow different from non-doing. That there are things such as doing and non-doing. I think I've been missing the point and I still think I do good and bad. What is the answer? What is the point?
     Well, I think the point is not the point I thought it was. And maybe in this way, it is what I thought it was! Lol. I think I have been just trying to get out of my pain, not necessarily find the truth, but the truth was the way out because I was in pain because I didn't see who I am. Because I was asleep. Life doesn't wait for anything to ketchup. It just goes.
     I think the point may only matter to those (that) which does not see the point. And the point may only be something to those who do not see it. When your awake being is just being. It isn't anything special or different than anything else. Because everything is the point. The point is everything. One big point. One little point. All around, point. Point, point, point. Point! Point. Point...This is it. This is it. We are searching for life itself, which is our very selves, our searching mind. It is absurd, yet it is the truth. We think we are lost. In many ways we are, but in our search for ourselves we truly have got the wrong idea. What we are now is what we are searching for. Not some deeper "what we are" that we don't see, literally what we do see right now. This is it. This is the answer. This is the point. Nothing else but this. Right in front of your eyes, right in your hands, whatever your thinking, feeling, imagining. This is it. When you look for somewhere else you're wrong. There is nowhere else. Nothing for you to find. You are it as you are now.

Bam!!
 
 

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