That was more than 7 years ago...
Now I am returning to myself, becoming conscious of my individual nature again. Resurfacing in a new world. Or at least what feels like a new world. It's probably the same old world I left. It's literally felt like eons. I have been away for eons. I have been across space, out of this world. I did most of this unconsciously or semi-consciously. It was as if the background we normally feel of our daily experience fell way and was replaced by the subtle atmosphere of alien planets. In a way this was exactly what was happening. My soul had left planet Earth and was journeying across space and perhaps time to God. The Celestial Sun in the center of the innerverse, the onlyverse. I don't think most people have the faintest idea of what this is like, even if they are spiritual seekers. This happened to me two years after I began seeking God. Two years after I had been awakened to the world of what I am going to call trans-dogmatic spirituality. I guess you could say two years after I had been awakened to the spiritual and holistic nature of the universe. And at the age of 19, when I was just stepping into adulthood. What an intense time to wake up.
God, it all happened so fast. I was an atheist from like 14-16 and then BOOM! Spirit, God, holistic science. Just poured out of my mind, out of the world into my waking consciousness. Irrecoverably changing me, changing my mind, changing my consciousness and reality. Changing my world. It brought me out of despair, social isolation, many fears, and into myself. Way more into my own ideas; my own power; and, maybe most worth mentioning, my feelings. I came out of the despair and gloom that surrounded my existentialist consciousness into a world of incredible possibility. I came into my own power in a world where I was beginning to feel the limitlessness of potential. It came on very strong and gave me charisma and confidence socially. Everything began to fall into the scope of experimentation and improvisation. Creativity and play. The rules were rules and I was beginning to see through everything. I still felt very lonely and lost frequently. This was one of my main drives: to uncover the root and mystery of my loneliness. My feeling of being severely disconnected from my heart, from something real. It was a surge of power, creativity and insight. A rise of a truth unknown to any part of my mind. It wasn't a Christian righteousness of morality, or as simple as the success that I previously desired. It was a birth of something brand new and totally unexpected. I never thought that a human being could be as much as I realized then. That not only was their a God, but somehow we were one with that. I only understood this conceptually and intuitively at the time, but still. What a revelation?? And more so that the boundaries of our physical and mental abilities were perhaps non-existent. Ridiculous! But, in an uncanny way, the truth. Such a dare to believe scenario, except the rational behind it became so clear in the maturation of my intuition. Such a strong feeling of yes, this is real. And such a natural, obvious truth it began to be. More of, of course this is how it is. This is the only way life as we know it makes sense. The way people do things is what really is ridiculous.
I don't know exactly why or how, but myself, and several of my friends came into this power and transformation. This is the power of holistic spirituality. Not only the revelation of their being a spiritual universe, but of a realization that the limitlessness of this universe, of God, also applies to our very selves. This is not localized to myself and a few of my friends. It has been happening since before the Buddha. It is ancient. And perhaps it used to be the normal. Now though, it is happening to more of us in an exponential way. It is spreading, though still in a small minority, throughout humanity across all divides. The fact that it is still so uncommon or unspoken of is part of the reason this awakening was so unexpected and shocking in my life. It came out of the blue. And this was just the beginning.
Although this awakening happens to many people, much more than you might think, it still happened to me much stronger than it does most. It was, is, and has been like constantly chugging water. Except the water is the water of consciousness. You can barely keep it down, keep up with it, and it doesn't stop coming. This is sort of my personal style, so I have enjoyed it thoroughly. Yet it also has been incredibly overbearing and terrible. It has been like becoming the wind. It's wonderful to be the wind, yet the wind moves as it will. Sometimes gently, and sometimes in battering unrelenting gusts. This has been the everyday reality of this experience. Not that it's totally out of my control, just that this awakening put me on new soil that was and still is, in many ways, foreign. It's like going out to see on an old sailing ship, you can't count on the stability of the ground beneath you, your at the mercy of the sea. We are already at the mercy of the forces of nature, but when you venture into the great beyond, it's like ditching the ship altogether.
And this is what the last seven years have been like, since I've been 19. Me and the raw powers of the cosmos moving towards some destination in devastating clockwork fashion. This is what life is like for everyone, but most people don't experience it without the veils and protections of their beliefs and imaginations. To see it outside of typical human filters is both awesome and terrifying. True perfection, cold and lifeless perfection of the unfolding of the universe. An aspect of freedom and God that escapes our anthropomorphic imaginations. The raw powers of life. Utterly unaffected by our personal hopes and wishes. At least this is how it felt at the time to my naked psyche, which felt for the first time the awesome powers that truly commanded the order of the universe. I saw myself, my beliefs and perceptions in contrast and in the frame of this impersonal titan. I felt incredibly fragile. I saw the paper thin nature of who I believed I was and that I was totally powerless to influence the naked flow of the cosmos. It was the cold titan, and I was the eggshell of a dream. A shell that had cracked so that I could see out into reality as it is for the first time.
This happened in a single instant at the end of my first year at college. I literally entered a new world. I was born onto a new level in that moment, my life was irrecoverably changed. I became a different person. I was no longer contained in human consciousness. I still had an ego and a personality, I was somebody, but the ceiling that nearly all of us live in was shattered. My ego wasn't shattered, it was just permanently cracked. And I could see through the cracks. I was through the cracks. And it wasn't me who went through the cracks, I became space. I became the beyond. The beyond didn't stop at the ceiling. It went through the cracks into my mind and I went out of the cracks into the beyond. Before I said that it wasn't me who went through the cracks, because I didn't go out there personally, I ended at the cracks, and now there was consciousness of the beyond. I say that I went out of the cracks into the beyond, because now what I called "I" was now what was out there. That was now in here. What I thought was "I" was a dream. The shunned outside was what was real. It was what or who I was, if there was even anything to be. At the time I didn't know. There was just this beyond, totally metapersonal, totally beyond what I previously experienced as my individuality, my personal being.
We think we are going to some paradise. And yet this is what I found...I do not think I can describe how alien it felt, how alien the truth was, how incredibly deluded we are. We are like paper charging at scissors, dancing with razors. This is the level of security of the ego. It cannot survive. It is doomed to fail. Doomed to die. Doomed to violence. We experience as ourselves, so it feels like we are dying. It felt like I had been pulverized in the jaws of some behemoth. Yet this behemoth was the naked behemoth of infantile cosmic consciousness. I was the egoless spinnings and twirlings of the universe, I had enough of an ego to experience it as such a cold and in a way terrifying thing. Not enough of a sense of it to feel it as myself. It remained a foreign looming thing in the back of my mind that I knew now was my entire mind. I was no longer completely trapped in the confines of any shade of egoic consciousness. It felt like though I still possessed an ego, it was dead. I think I felt dead as well. I was no longer myself. There was the beyond and the lingering remains of my old self, tethered to my being with failing karma. Like a spaceship shot completely through with a laser. Through the engine, now lifeless floating through space, lifeless, yet still floating through space.
This is how I felt, lifeless yet still inhabiting a body. The laser was my soul shooting out of my body. The body, now without a pilot, moved at the whim of cosmic currents. I now was one with the movement of the behemoth. I saw now that it carried me, I did not carry myself. In a way I never carried myself, we never carry ourselves, we are the mindless unfolding of completely impersonal forces that we confuse and identity as "ourselves" I was the beyond perfect movement of colossal cosmic forces, cosmic seas: nameless, yet all encompassing stirring in the background that was now the foreground of my experience. What at the time didn't feel like my experience, it simply felt like experiencing. It didn't feel like anyone was there experiencing what was going on, there was just stuff happening. I think I still felt like someone, I just didn't know how to fit into my new shoes yet. I had a new body, new clothes. I felt muted, yet I think I still was.
My main concern and most of my focus was on letting this behemoth unravel by clearing out the debris of my old self. Getting rid of the corpse. What a strange experience. Still alive on Earth, trying to die. Yet trying to die in a new world, a new void, to become something new. Lol. How strange I felt. My agenda entirely different and unknown, incomprehensible to all those around me. Myself, hastily making preparations ending the life that I had had up to that point. Lol. Preparing to die to go on an alien voyage into the seething unknown. I was so incredibly alone, with new walls around me, walls of the behemoth, of the titan, closing in. I knew I was dying, I was trying to find a good place to die, I didn't want to go to hell. And I don't mean the kind of hell people believe in, I mean the kind of hell living people live in. Where you go when you lose control and everything falls apart...
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