Lovely little lights of my space heater. I think my face is taking on more definition again. It seemed like for the longest time I had lost the expression that had taken my whole life to develop. Like the confusion in my mind, the scrambled sense of self, appeared on my face. I think this is true, the face is an expression or reflection of our inner world. My life was scrambled so my face like like tv static.
I feel strange, like coming out of a coma. like returning from a long trip. So much of me wants things to be like they used to be. I don't know if this is possible, or if it's a good thing. I also feel this intense pressure in my body and mind pushing out. Trying to become something. It's exciting, but also disturbing. Disturbing because it's so foreign. I don't understand what the energy is or what it will do to me. it can put me in a semi-trance. And it kind of unfolds within me through a trance like state. I've spent the last 7 years just flying by the seat of my pants. Winging it. Fun, but risky. I'd like to get a better grip on this. Take less chances if I can. I want to be smarter and safer. I've got a lot of really deep and powerful energy coming through me. It scares me, but I also feel really confident that I'll figure it out. At least I think I am confident. Lol. I'm such a ditz. Happy Go Lucky. I just turn off thinking and go lolly-gagging wherever the wind blows, laughing like an idiot. Lol.
I wonder if I'll ever get a good grip on it. I got a lot of energy to process. And the process of processing it is going to unleash more energy that I don't see now. It's gonna push the ball in a different direction. This is what has been difficult about this experience. Not a straight line, more like a tangled ball of yarn or a maize. One thing learned reveals something new that throws you off course and you've got to reorient yourself again. I haven't been able to get the kind of foothold I want in any of the areas I've been working. I'm close though. I feel like if I get a foothold a lot of things will fall into place and things could get a lot easier. I have a lot of skill and understanding that's only accessible if I have a certain amount of emotional energy or will power. It's like emotional energy has been my limiting growth factor. Like the Roman's whose empire collapsed partially because they were spread out too thin. Far superior in so many ways, but not enough energy to go around to keep their empire together.
I guess I have found a foothold. Or several. They just come and go with different types of consciousness. I've discovered some truly strong places in y being that I can and have been building on. the flow of my life demands that I leave work before I do as much as I'd like to go take on another seemingly unconnected project. I don't have the strength of attention or the understanding/ability to properly do what needs doing to maintain the level of functioning I desire so I have to settle for less to keep the ball rolling. I learn what I can when I can. Sometimes I learn more, sometimes less. Sometimes I do a better job, sometimes it's not that great.
One good thing to come of this is it sort of killed the bad side of my perfectionism. Not entirely, but a lot of the stress and anxiety surrounding it has gone away. Much more rough cut, get her done mentality. "Does it work?" "Yes". "Is it good enough?" "Yes". I know I'll get better and I have a much better sense of what needs doing now and what doesn't. So I guess it's killed a lot of my apprehensiveness. I'm much more present oriented now. I've had to be to survive and adapt.
It's actually a blessing, its killed so much of the b.s. in my thinking mind. A ton of the conditioning out the window, into the furnace. Things are way more cut and dry, I feel freer and lighter, like I lost a lot of weight. What I do largely makes me happy now. It didn't before. I know how to do things now. I know how to learn, I know how to learn how to do things right. I know that I can learn how to do anything. I have this connection to the Whole that is so genuine, like I know what needs doing and I know id I did or didn't do it right. It's so much more easy to see this now.
I feel like I know how to engage people and the world now. not that I always do it right. I'm often pretty terrible at it. But, I'm learning what it looks like to do it right. Before I had no idea . That's not entirely true, but it felt like that a lot. In a way I sort of got what I wanted. It cost a lot. Way more than I imagined, but I'm getting it. It might be worth it. Lol..I don't know if I had a choice. Or if this was something I chose before I was born.
There are so many doors open to me now. That lead to so many places I'm dying to go. Things that are possible only in fairy tales and science fiction. Things I can do. I could go all the way. It's what I want to do. To fully merge with God. It sounds silly. Even like a waste of time. Part of me definitely wants to. A lot of me thinks it's real. Even if I am already totally one with god. I don't experience this. I think there are things to do to make this happen. This may be lingering delusion, it may be a real path I take. They may both be true.
I just want to make more sense of this. Find what is right for me to do. I know I'm close. I think I'm on it with this intensive writing thing. Anyhoo, done for now, peace out guys, stay safe stay sweet!
-Alec
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