I find myself disoriented a lot. I guess you could say their is a lot of disorder and chaos. What I notice almost everyday is that when this happens I try to force things. I think I am anxious and afraid in these situations and these feelings cause me to take such action. I get worried about the particular aspects of life and feel strongly that I need to do something to take care of them. I get upset at myself because in these moments I perceive that I am not doing enough to take care of these aspects, to take care of myself. I then find myself not giving into these pressures (worries and fears) and instead just sitting with them, trying to relax because I feel like they are off, like somehow they aren't quite right. Like their's a better way. This is a painful and stressful tug of war, but eventually, nearly every day, I sort of take some deep breaths and just relax. It's sort of like letting go. Those worries don't seem as important. I feel like I can probably take care of them, or they aren't really concerns anymore. It feels like the better way is just to calm down and be here. Something like this. Then something usually pops into my mind and I end up doing it. Like writing this blog. Like 10 minutes ago I was feeling pretty disoriented on the couch. I don't feel so disoriented now. I don't feel super concerned about anything. Just a little tired. I wonder how much I really care about. How much is just anxiety. I wonder how important my reoccurring desires are. How much is just being dreamy and sort of living in fantasies. I think I am a little afraid to find the answer to these questions. I'm a bit afraid of the void that lies under what may be their irrelevance. I wonder again how much I care about the things I often think about. I guess what I'll do is shut down these worrying, anxious habits. Or maybe I won't even do this. I guess it probably doesn't matter either. They'll probably slowly fizzle out anyway.
I guess I still feel disoriented and I would like to get it straightened out. I'm not sure quite how to do it. Their are things I want to work out. I just want to do it the right way. Or else, I won't do it at all. I just keep disorienting myself. Ugg. Like I think I can straighten out my life. I've actually had some serious success, I think in some ways a lot more than most people. But, their are still some tangles that hurt my heart a lot. Hurt a lot in general. And scare me. And their are things I do want to do, I am just afraid of going for them because the ways I've been doing it have been a pain in the rear end and have left me feeling defeated and apathetic. I'm tired of doing it the ways I have been doing it and can't quite seem to shake off. I'm learning how, but learning with a blind fold on, having to feel my way in the dark. Tired of stumbling and stubbing my toes, jamming my fingers. Hitting my head. Ow! I feel like a fool, but there hasn't been much I can do. Or at least it hasn't felt like there's been a lot I could've done. I'm starting to feel like I can do things. I can figure it out. Still pretty blind though. Maybe I can work out a new strategy. I think the key is staying calm. When I get agitated I can't see what needs to be done and I focus on things that don't help. Learn how to remain centered, remain calm, remain aware and awake. Learn how to stay focused on things that are helpful. Create positive habits. Ya, this sounds good. I think I want to do a lot of things differently. Can do a lot of things differently. I think I do want to take care of my health. Through exercise and diet. And I do want to start doing a lot of things to improve my life. This seems like being in the light, when I have been in the dark. Not that it has been entirely terrible, it hasn't been. More like lack of presence in the mind. Lack of being. I think I am someone, and I want to be that person. I know this isn't everything, but I think it's the right way to go.
It's so weird going what feels like in and out of consciousness or presence. Seeing the world one way, and then the next moment it's entirely flipped. This is disorienting..difficult..where I am lol. When I am in the dark, I am not anyone to care. When I am in the light, I want so much, I want to be so much. It's amazing. Hard to tell what is real, what's important, what I should/shouldn't do. Lol part of me finds this whole process extremely funny. When I'm disturbed and confused I forget all about this part and then it returns in self-amused chuckles. I think the key may be to be better organized. To have a nice space for the dark to be in the dark, and a nice space for the light to be in the light. A good balance. Intelligent organization or something. Not to get rid of one or the other, but to know when it is appropriate or best to let each take what is their own and to let them do it. Sort of like recognizing how life is and getting out of the way of it as it does what it does best when left alone. Let sleeping dogs lie. I think so much of life is like this. We think we need to do things and we over-complicate things. Often we can simply let things be as they are. Then we are free to relax and enjoy life as it passes by, instead of struggling with something that doesn't need our attention and making a hell of a mess. I don't think we know how to just let things be. We tend to be so anxious that we make a mess out of nearly everything. So much of this world feels so messy. Gross. I just want to do things right.
I feel like so much of what we do isn't done right. This bothers me. I wish people could clearly see what needs to be done and do it. I am definitely talking about perfection. Perfect love and so on. It's more than this though. It's seeing things as they are. It's the tension surrounding egotism. And the meanness of it. It just hurts. If people could see, they we wouldn't have to be so hurt all of the time. And we could just party. This is what I want to focus on. Celebrating life, and sharing this celebration with others. I don't really want to be egotistical at all, but I am. And like I've said before their is nothing wrong with the ego. It is just another form to contend with in this world. And it is no different than anything else. No better or no worse. This doesn't mean we let it run rampant. It means that we don't need to snuff it out all at once or at all.
I have been wondering if I am somebody or if all of this is an illusion. Whether or not I am eternal, I think that I am somebody now. I am now. I do have feelings and a sense of self. I am somebody. I don't think I am separate from anybody else, but I am alive. I have feelings and I think it is important to listen to them. Their are things I want to do. I don't know if this is real or a dream, but it is happening and it is me. I think it is real. I think I am real. I think I am somebody. I am someone. Someone unique and individual. No one else is me, unless they see that they are one with me and I am one with them. Still I am individual in my being the only being in the universe. Not that I am the one true ego, rather that I am the single Being that is all beings, the Universal solitary self. The great One. Our original face. This is who I really am. This is who my personality and feelings belong too. This Christ Consciousness that is the divine spark within all life, within all form. I am this. This is what really feels, what really is human. What really is someone. This is the person with a heart, with feelings. I am alive. I am someone. I am here now.
I think this solves the mystery of whether or not we are somebody. We are not our egos, yet this doesn't mean that we aren't individuals. We are individuals. I think an individual is more than an ego, so it still exists without the ego. This is something I have struggled with for many years. The question of, "Is their somebody here?" "Am I(an individual person) real?" I think when you step outside of the delusion of the ego the answer is clear. "Yes, clearly I am somebody" I don't know how long I will be, whether or not I am eternal, but I really do think that I am someone now. This is real. And it's important because it means it's important to take care of each other, because we all are real. This may sound silly, but for me it is not. I have been in serious doubt as to whether or not I or we really are. This has caused a great deal of insecurity, anguish, and hindrance in my life. I took my doubts seriously instead of brushing them aside as ridiculous notions, because they are not ridiculous notions if you look in earnest at the nature of ourselves. I let myself fall into the doubt and the emptiness I felt inside when they arose within me as much as I could bear emotionally instead of doing my best to avoid these extremely unpleasant feelings. (Not that I haven't done or don't do my fair share of avoidance) I just definitely went a lot deeper into them as far as most people go. I did this because I couldn't and can't stand being insecure. It's like an infection of blindness. A sickness. It's more disturbing than the disturbance I created by facing the deeply unsettling void that gnawed within me. I can't stand being dishonest or disingenuous. I feel terrible when I am thus. I felt utterly compelled to find out if I was someone who could be genuine. You can't be genuine if you don't exist. I also felt very strongly like their was something to find out. Something that I was missing, something that would fill the gap.
I remember feeling lost, not knowing who I was, feeling like my heart was torn out of my chest. Feeling so lost and ungrounded. Feeling like what I was doing was so wrong. Like I was so far off from where I wanted to be. Like the good and the truth were far off destinations, remote and unreachable. I definitely could do good and be true, but I didn't feel like I understood what good was. And the truth I had was about my relative state of being. I couldn't see through the delusion of my mind. I didn't feel whole, I felt very much a little part. A little part lost and blind to the whole. I didn't feel like I was doing what I wanted to be doing. I felt like what I was doing was this mad social orchestra totally disconnected from anything real. Like I was in this bubble of life and God and truth was somewhere else. It wasn't where I or anyone else was. It wasn't here on Earth. Not among us. We were in the dark and my own thoughts and feelings were the brightest lights I could find. I still think most people are blind, but I know now that the truth lies within all form and is all form. It definitely resides on Earth. All their is is truth.
I discovered definitely that I couldn't see or find the truth the way I was looking, the way I was. I knew I needed to let go of this part of myself, which felt like nearly my whole self, or my old body. I think I knew I was someone at the time and at some part of this transformative process I forgot that I was somebody. I fell so deeply into darkness and doubt that I wasn't sure if I was anybody at all, or if their was such a thing as an individual. Everything felt like a dream. I didn't feel awake. I don't think I felt like anybody, not sure if I was anybody. It felt like my self was submerged in the sea I had fallen into. It was lost to me as I drowned and struggled under the waves. It was who I was as I was lost in the sea, but I didn't feel like anyone at all. It felt like my soul had left me stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean in the blazing sun. I was completely alone, even when I was surrounded by other people. I was on a different planet. I had dipped beneath the waves of typical conscious activity to discover my true nature. That was more than 7 years ago...
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