Been a bit

I have been writing in my journal over the last week and a half. Things have been interesting as usual. Got a Moderna vaccine today. As far as I can tell the only side affect is soreness where I received the shot that came on 8 hrs after the shot. Going to get the second dose in a month. I was reading about the UK variant. It's 50% more transmissible and perhaps roughly 50% more deadly. Many places in Europe are increasing restrictions as highly contagious variants gain ground. The percentage of cases in the US with the UK variant are expected to increase drastically in the next month which could have serious impact on the trend of the virus in the US. Texas has lifted the mast mandate and other restrictions. We'll see what happens over the next weeks and months. 

In my consciousness, or here, I have been thinking a lot about I am versus there is no self. I feel being pulled towards what is called being and being someone as many questions remain concerning perceptions of no self and a place where there was no life. In this seeming dip and rising of consciousness that has been happening here over the last month and a half I have gone to a place which makes me question the value of fulfilling one's destiny, the reality of this destiny, and the reality that may exist beyond what we call and know as life. Consciousness here has a habit of rocketing through the ceiling of what is perceived as the furthest out one can go in terms of scope and penetration of consciousness. It has seen what may be what is beyond what we call life. Now, it makes sense that the totality of what we experience as human beings has a limit and is in fact a limited portion of an infinite variety of realities. Perhaps not that what we call life is separate from this, but that what we call life has a definite end and beginning. It makes me wonder if life is real at all, or if it just the illusion created by ego. An illusion in which all that is personal and animated is a fiction. Kind of scary thoughts. At the same time, life seems to have a life of it's own that may be as real as this lifeless reality I have perceived. It is unnerving to see such things when one is trying to pick up the pieces of their damaged life. I feel more distanced from what I considered my dharma, my awakening. The distance and dullness is often frightening. Like I have been sunk deeper into the ocean that I would have like to have fared. Where light is dim and the self feels insecure. Kind of funny that this keeps on happening. Makes it difficult to put things in order. The drive of my last ascent was motivated by intuitions that this was the last leg in the struggle for establishing myself. It felt truly true if I remember it correctly. The fact that I often can't remember it is unnerving. I am frightened. Or there is fear here. There is still so much to learn and so much I feel I want to accomplish and experience. My main hope is that I will be graced with the opportunity to do it. Recent awakenings have made me question the value and reality of such personal feelings. Deep in the sea. Deep deep in the sea. Merlin is a fish in the great wide and deep ocean. New horizons, new inclinations, new potentials. How far can a Merlin go? Where will he find himself? The expanse continues to evolve in unimagined ways. Ways he never thought were possible. Ways that he enjoys for their apparent rarity and profundity. Mirth in the depth? Perhaps? I thought I was a bird. Now I am a fish. I do live on a lake...

Merlin sees in the deep
Merlin swims in the deep
Look for Merlin in the deep
You may be surprised at what you find...
Things hidden from sight and mind
Things hidden in eons of time
Faraway places and unknown lands
Merlin explores wherever he can
High and low, far and near
In and out, strange and queer
The pieces behind pieces
Behind pieces beyond pieces
You call you self
I inspect, I direct, I examine,
And I roam
The land does not end with the curve of the Earth bending ever towards itself
It goes straight off into nothingness, into the sparkle of fading light 
Through light
Through darkness
Beyond the entirety into the entirety
I thought this was a certain way
And that what made that uncertain was a certain way
And what makes this uncertain is a certain way
Habernash!!Cathunkle!! Disbain! Spesetrom, wexfur, dignalitroniuscabrigalibombernastitorium!!!
Broken!!Fixed!!Broken!! I call the to the Quaint Circle of Fortuitous randimoniums!!
Begone! and Begit! Parliment!! Governance!! Systematic and deliberate castration of the Noodle Pie!!
Henceforth!Begone all noodle kings! Let the noodle doodle!! Doodle dandy daring drive make a way for you and I. Behind the sky oh me! Oh my! What speaks Merlin? Lost his mind!? Carthunkle! Beevish! Boispotem!!!

All in all, a good night!!
Sleep well weary traveler!
Merlin rises again!!
Into the night...Into the night