Carsavian Kodwallups

 Does something real need a word to be? If so, can we verify what is without words? Do words always add an element of conceptualization to what may be that is distorting? Who am I if I am yet what I am is more than words? If who I am is sufficiently real without defining it. I do not know the answers to these questions in this immediate moment. The strongest feeling I can associate with truly being that I remember occurred perhaps 6 months ago. The way I remember it, I was struggling somehow in my sleep or near sleep and somehow this startled me into being present. I do not say being present lightly for after this experience I realized I am not truly present nearly always. This experience was a moment in probably decades of being present. I do not remember if I felt that I was during this moment, what I do remember is feeling here. Being here. I think the experience did lean towards me being here, though I do not remember clearly. Can we have genuine feelings of I am? Truly being oneself. A person. An individual? I often doubt if we truly are individuals beyond our egos. I think I usually don't feel fully like an individual beyond my egoic experience which doesn't feel real. If we do have this genuine feeling of I am then is it truly true, or is it a subjective relative truth? If it is the latter, then when we examine it with deeper insight does this genuine feeling of personhood dissolve with the ego? I do not know. These are the questions which are at the center of my thought as I go about my life. I think they are at the center of much of my suffering and confusion. How can I commit to a self that strong evidence shows may not exist? If I could figure this out, or if the ego here dissolved sufficiently I would be free of this indecision. The Shakespearean dilemma, "To be, or not to be." I am not nearly as bothered by it as I used to be. I am less afraid of death and less attached to being. It is what it is. I don't really care as long as I am not suffering a lot. I feel that I am at a healthy period of awakening and much of my anxiety has relaxed. This is accompanied by strong intuitions of security in my position and trajectory. I am also much more seamless with life, at least in a subjective way, and in a pleasant way. A similar ease that you feel as a young child. Buoyed up by life in a largely careless and thoughtless relationship with life. It seems like we ought not to be overly concerned with these questions. How much can we do to change things such as this?