Looking for answers

 Why are we searching for the truth? It seems to me that as long as the mind is grasping for something to hold onto finding the truth is impossible. Is there a truth? Is there meaning? Maybe. Do we have control? Do we not? Does it matter? What happens when we aren't trying to pin down life? Is it possible to stop the mind from grasping? It seems like this may still be wanting something. I feel certain kinds of pleasure, perhaps good, when the ego grasps less. What I would call relief. There is a kind of striving for this release which is more grasping than release of the ego. It can be difficult to perceive if what you are doing is more opening or closing. Fear is often the culprit. We are so used to being blinded by it that it blindsides us constantly coming up in tangent with things we never expect it to. It hides with the best and the worst. Fear of not awakening, fear of being stuck with the ego, may lead to compulsive grasping in an attempt to escape or overthrow the ego. There is an  element of personal consciousness of this behavior that feels much less compulsive than the attempt to escape the ego. It is the in part personal realization that one is trying to escape the ego, and that this is not making headway, but is the result of binding fear. I think there may also be a way to personally experience an opening towards deeper insight. Whatever this means. The grasping can pass away and I think much of this is experienced in a personal way. It seems like the content of the moment is not the key to this experience of opening, rather it is the relationship of the self to the content. When there is a certain relationship we feel a sense of calm, of perhaps knowing what is right or wrong for us to do in the moment. When there is a different relationship we feel a sense of confusion disconnect, fear in which we feel blind and don't know what is right or wrong. I do not know if this knowing, this right, this wrong, are real outside of the self's subjective experience. They do seem to be a very real part of the process of the falling away of the ego. It seems like the entire experience of the self is relative to the self. I do not know if it is happening the way it does outside of the perception of the self, nor do I know if it is real. It appears to be happening all around us, all the time. This world of form appears to be happening now. I do not know if it is real. It doesn't feel real to me. Nothing in fact feels real to me. This world seems empty of anything. It seems to me like the world is not real and that nothing at all is happening. I am not sure how this is possible. This world just seems to be empty of self, being, and substance. There doesn't seem to be anyone here at all. The self seems to be not as it appears to be. Who am I to be content with this? Is it possible to be content with this? Is it merely the illusion of a self being content, a self that does not exist in reality? Who is content because the lack of being sufficiently relaxes its anxieties? Why does I take pleasure in emptiness? Why does this feel good to I? Is it because it releases it to greater personal pleasures, which give it greater room to be itself? This may frighteningly be apart of the truth. 

What's the deal with the whole I Am business. With God and being and one's true self? Are these things real? Is spirit real? Or are they all fleeting forms in a sea of emptiness and nothingness? Can they be reduced to conceptions without taking away any of their legitimacy? Is God eternal? Is Spirit eternal? Is there an eternal Self? Are these just temporary impermanent forms? Forms that may even be built into the system, but fall away eventually, but are impermanent? This self has had such strong experiences of God, in which God seems such a real force. What is the nature of the self of God? I guess the more important question is, Is the self real? Maybe to answer this the question, "What does it mean to be a real self?", needs to be asked. I am not sure if there is a formula that can be applied to ascertain whether or not a self is real. I think it may be intuitively assessed successfully though. If I am real, then there is a point to living, to being. If I am real it seems that goodness is real. Beauty is real. Perhaps even truth is real. If I am not then none of this matters. All of this is pointless and meaningless. There must be someone here to experience meaning. I feel so strongly that both are real. Yet they are not what they appear to be. They are not distinct or separate. There may be no way of getting to the bottom of it. I guess I may be afraid of life being real, because I am afraid of getting hurt. But when I look at it, it doesn't seem like I can get hurt because I don't exist. If I am, then I must be some being that is not dependent on anything whatsoever. This takes us back to the question, What does it mean to be a real self? For a self to be real, I would have to know and see without a doubt that I was, that I am. This is the only verification. I would have to be somebody, someone. An individual, even if it's the only individual who is the individual that embodies all individuals. I think the mind is so cluttered here that this is impossible now. 

And I just don't fucking care right now. This whole search seems like an incredible waste of time. Everything seems so fucking pointless to me, and people just seem so incredibly stupid and annoying. Just noise and grinding. Madness and sickness. I can't stand it. It's disgusting. Like everyone is inept and can't clean up after themselves. Like everyone is babies waddling around while the world is burning down. And I just watch...seeing it all...wtf...? The fucking ego man. What a trip. What a complete fucking disconnect. People are so full of themselves. Like bloated carcasses floating in the water. So sure of themselves. So fucking blind. It's infuriating. Spreading hellfire like peanut butter over bread, pleasantly lost in the darkness of their own minds. I want to shake them and say, "What the hell do you think you are doing?" "Do you have any sense at all?" We build more and more roads, build shittier and shittier homes, assassinate more and more living things. Drunk in our masturbatory  bloodlust. In the name of God, or the party, or an idea in our bigotry. The world's gone mad. It's been mad for a while. The pain is overwhelming. I'm sick of the sickness. Sick of the disorder. Sick of the madness and disconnect. I can't stand it. I can't fucking stand it. Where are the wise? I'm so tired of being weak. Feeling like a victim of this plague. Where is anyone with balls? I know there are many people doing good. But they don't seem to be enough. They don't seem to be smart enough. I feel like we need to tear this system down. Honestly one way or another. It needs to go. It's not working. It's not safe. More than we need good laws, we need good people. We need healthy people. Intelligent people. Free people. Free not by a bill of rights, but in conscience and in consciousness. Humans have unalienable rights. This are not guaranteed by ideas we claim to uphold, but by the way we treat eachother, by what we do. I do not know if the people are ready for the revolution of conscience and consciousness that I am imagining. But, do we have time? Do we have time? I don't think we do. I think the time is now. I think now is the time of upheaval. I think people will be made ready by what comes their way. The world can't go on the way it is. I think now is the time for a revolution in consciousness on our planet. Its time to wake up, get up, get out, dole out, get back, ant get with it. We have to change to survive. We cannot continue to be so selfish, merciless, and wantonly destructive. We need Spirit that does not bind us to warring dogmatic faiths. We need the Spirit of Unity, Love, Brotherhood of all peoples, and sanctity of Life. We need to realize that we have our heads up our asses and that we are full of shit. We are not alone on this world and we have to share what we have to get along. We have to give up our precious egos and narcissism and wake the fuck up! The world is burning you fools! Your drunk on your own fetid fluids. Wake up! Your worthless, spineless, scarcely human if I can say that at all! Stop masturbating! Can't you see what's going on? The world is falling apart! You live in this world. You are apart of it. What you do matters. Do something! You're so asleep you barely breathe. Where is your life? Where is your self? You are buffeted by waves of mindlessness at every corner, on every avenue. Tear these down. Throw them out. Still your mind. Turn off the bloody television. Turn off your insidious phones. You are broken down by this world, by the environment you live it. Cleanse it, change it, however you can. Throw off the yoke, think for yourself, be merciless in self-examination. Destroy your illusions and fantasies. Get the point. Get to what is pertinent to you right now. Don't waste your time in frivolities. Don't waste your time with losers and celebrities. Find out what is real and what is a complete waste of time. Ice whatever serves no purpose. Ice it and smash it and burn it and throw it out! Make a fiery line of unwavering determination that separates the field of what is worthy of your attention from everything else. Stick to it doggedly. Slap yourself free from distractions. Curse pollutants. Sprint far far away from anything that holds you down. Stand up for yourself, defend yourself, defend what is real, do not be bullied by two bit idiots. It is you who must guide them. Shake the world down, put it in it's place, set things right and move on! On to bigger and better things! Always onward! Don't hold back. Advance! Take ground! Fight back! Stand up! Protect what is good and true. Bolster it, make it the law of the land, the principle and the culture and the opportunity. You have the power only when and if you make use of it! Go goddammit go! We're running out of time! Change the goddamn world! Change your self!