In the end of it

Not done yet. I try to understand what's going on perfectly. To know exactly what is real. This is impossible. I am still losing myself, still waking up. At the end of this process, or at least a part of this process, but still not there. Trying to state exactly how things are isn't going to work probably lol. There is the thought and the attitude that I can do it right now, which is partially true, but delusional. I'm not seeing the scope that I'm working in because I am attached to the idea of communicating the truth. This grip prevents me from moving forward. It ties me to dead weight. It's perfectionism and fear of unbeing. Fear of not being in control. Fear of what is outside of what I know. Agitation, agression, chains, fear, prison, and not what I want in my heart. Trying to survive really. Which may be necessary until it isn't. Until one sees that they can behave differently in a way that better upholds their wellbeing. Gripping in fear. What a fun thing. Pain and suffering. Mmmmm. Pain and suffering. The best. Kind of though. In a strange way. Attached to being someone, doing something, having something. Thinking we need things to be ok. And when you stop and look to see if you need these things, what do you find? Nothing at all. They are empty of substance. They are floating ideas unconnected to anything real. The self that they seek to uphold is unnecessary and missing the point. Beside the point. Another passing cloud in the sky. Immaterial. Who you are, what you are trying to maintain and express is not who you think you are. The methods for your preservation and fulfillment are unnecessary and confused attempts to obtain something you already have. The thing is there is nothing to understand perfectly. Nothing to become or possess. Who you are does not belong to your ideas of who you think you are. Who you are is who you are now. What you are now. Not at any point today, tomorrow, or at some point in the past. Now, right now. This is it. Everything about this is it. We think that where we are is not enough. Not enough for us and not enough for the world. We are baselined right now. We look to potentials, to how things could be, maybe, or are cool when they are this way, or were cool when they were this way and we lose sight of what is real. Which is this. Right now. If you don't know what is or isn't real, then that is apart of what is real. That is here now. We get so caught up in ideas about how things are that we forget how things are. We so strongly what to be other than we are that we forget how we actually are. When we forget how we are, how can we take care of ourselves? We take care of ideas about ourselves, ideas of who we want to be, and continually gloss over our real thinking feeling self. We stroke personas, dreams and ambitions, ideals, but we don't maintain what is here right now. These are all apart of who and what we are, but in of themselves, they are not the entirety of us. Seeing who we are now, how I am now is the only way to take care of ourselves. This world is so disconnected from the present, so confused about what is real, so lost in ideas and mentation. So out of touch with the self. It's fucking crazy. People spend an incredible amount of energy in such a distracted way. Pouring energy into things that don't bring security, or fulfillment, or self-awareness. Teetering on the edge of annihilation. Spending so much time in the dark. 
I guess what people see is how they are now. Is what is real to them now. They may be deeply lost in ideas, but they are deeply lost in ideas. This is their present reality. Their now. And now is often confused and lost. And confused and lost and incomplete is often how we are. What is real. They and I are not who we think we are, yet who we think we are is how we are. And apart of who we are in this moment. We are this way, as we are now. It cannot be separated from who we are. It is not the entirety of who we are as itself, but it is never just itself, it is always one with who we are now. It is who we are now. We are these little selves that are confused, hopeful and lost. Interested, afraid, etc. We are lost within ourselves. We are these egos, but these egos are not everything. They are not all that we are. They are who we are, but not all of who we are. 
I am so afraid to embrace my ego. Yet regardless if I embrace it or not, a part of me is egoic. A part of me believes it is a separate self. This is simply how I am and what is happening right now. I want to fully embrace it. I think the only way to fully embrace the ego is to do it in a positive way. I think a part of what makes my ego is a true part of who I really am. Perhaps something that is not an illusion, but is a real aspect of the self, whatever this means. Maybe in a way, we are truly alone with our egos. We are truly separate in them. The ego is the ceaseless feeling of separation. Separation only exists in the ego feeling. I think we truly feel alone, and this is what aloneness is. But I think this may be as far as it goes. I don't think alone exists beyond a feeling, separateness exists beyond the imagined experience of separateness. Although it is imagined, it is experienced, it is hurtful, and it often requires attention in a way that I think is necessary and good. We are egoic. This is what is real now, a part of this is trying to avoid being egoic in search of something better. Which is in part good, and also in part more harmful than helpful. If we deny who we are too much, our perception of what we need and require is too removed from what we truly need and require to grow in a healthy way. We can cultivate a sense of what we truly need that includes our egoic self, yet is not blinded by our ego. This is a sense of the whole. It might not lead to the degree of enlightening experiences that we desire, but it takes care of us in a way that is better than complete denial of our separate self sense.
I regularly find it shocking how egoic people are, but it is how they are and it is how we are. Jesus. It's taken me so long to realize this. I have been so hostile towards the ego, even as I have been learning how to deeply embrace it. So hostile towards ignorance and that which is caught up in conditioned thinking and being. Just wanting to destroy it and smite it. Kind of awesome actually. So determined to overcome it. I think so much of this impulse is good. To rid humanity of slavery essentially. It is very close to liberating people through unconditional love. Wow. I do it because I love people and I love myself. I love life and I want it to be free. I want everyone and everything to be free. I think what unconditional love may be is that everything is free right now. Maybe. Anyways. I am tired. Need a nap or something. Bacon?