Merlin Returns

 Beevish! Habarnacle! Secundus! Helped my friend out with a landscaping project. Took a while to fall asleep, got up earlier than I usually do. Went well. Considering everything. Went basically how I thought it would. Got called Alec by people I know. It felt weird. Kind of violently opposed to that name. It's just not who I am. I feel like I have never been that person and I don't like falling into that consciousness. Merlin. Is my name. The past feels weak, Merlin feels strong. Merlin feels alive. I am not interested in going back. No fucking way. 
    I was thinking about how I may still have a good deal of refinement to do on my judgement. My feelings may still be ungrounded to a degree that makes them dangerous. A degree of lolligagging that turns my stomach into a sickening knot. I am done with these silly games that choke and bite us. These silly notions we have about who we are and what is real. It is incredible the degree to which people are wrong. It makes me sick. We see this great fantasy when were really mad and dangerously out of control. Like small children playing with sharpened knives. Just so wrong. Our society is so sick. The scariest part is that so much of it isn't seen and, in addition to this, what is corrupt is encouraged. Madness. We see ourselves as these complete images of thought, body, and feeling and do our best to bury the tangled madness of confusion that lies beneath. All to uphold a pretty image that is full of shit. Shit water. We live for shit water. We struggle for poison. This is a part of why we do what we do. Our self image. Which I find asinine. But at the same time, what can we do? We are born into a world full of people like this, our society is largely driven by self image, our survival in a way depends on it. How we look is not how we are, who we are, or what is real. What total complete shit. What a complete fucking masquerade. Where did this fear come from? Where did this delusion come from? Where did this darkness in the mind come from? Was it caused by an event in the distant past? Has it slowly developed over the years? You would think that we would know better, that we would be unified against such mindlessness. Is it a product of human evolution and the evolution of human consciousness? Not an ailment but a stage of development progressing towards further evolution, further stages? Perhaps all of these ring with truth. I think they do.
     I think at a time, at least many of us were more advanced consciously, more awake. I think there was a great decline caused by perhaps several great events which shook the foundations of our society undermining our consciousness. I also think this decline was steady occurring over thousands of years. Last, I also think the ego and the ego-self-image is apart of the natural development of consciousness in living beings, perhaps sentient beings, and is not unnatural in any way. There is much confusion surrounding our origins and the reason(s) we are in such a sorry state as a species. Why things often seem so dark, so hard, and so grueling, unfair, and unfortunate. This is what I am speaking to, I know it isn't this black and white, but it does feel like we're, as a species, historically speaking, coming up from under hammer blows on the anvil, struggling and grinding and clawing for consciousness. For breath. I think there is this confusion because the answer is as complicated, perhaps more complicated, as I have described. I get the feeling that we have done this collective struggle for Light and Goodness perhaps several or many times before. Perhaps, most definitely, in different ways. Like it's an age old fight on the wheel of time. Perhaps this sense, that I do believe I share with my fellow human beings, goes deeper than our human struggle, our human history, and is a sense of the fundamental workings of consciousness and reality that we all, however subtly and minutely, intuit. 
    I think to a degree each of us is playing a role as we carry out our lives. I think we have some deep intuition of our limitations and strengths and settle for what we have. We go through the motions as if we already know what they are going to be, acting as much as living. This is perhaps the great spirit within all of us. It seems like this is true and our ignorance and naivety is equally as true. Our terror at being self-aware and feeling so inept and unprepared. We are both the little self and the big self, Perhaps at least for an allotted period of time. They are both real experiences, realities, whether or not one is imagined or not, it is still experienced and believed. It is still a universe we inhabit, it just might be an imaginary universe that has no substance outside of the imagination. Being merely contrived, the reality it conjures is not in fact real. Real being what is arising in this moment, how things are and how they function. Instead of Sometimes a Great Notion, it is Often and Nearly Always a Fanciful Notion. 
    It's kind of funny what lies beyond the imagination of the separate-self and what people think lies beyond it. The separate self exist in the ideation sphere of the mind. People often don't leave this space and there ideas about what exists beyond themselves don't either. We are literally consumed by our religiosity towards our notions of what we think is real. We believe in them so fervently that we sacrifice our sense and presence for their fulfillment, which can never happen because they are notions are not real. This religiosity is perhaps a two sided coin, one side is life, and the other is death. One side is social accord in agreed upon social law, and the other is insanity in denial of objective truth. Social accord and also an affirmation of the separate self. What does the world look like without this filter? Can you even say it is a world of things, a place, if there is no separate self? Are there trees, people, sky, mountains? Are these things different at all if there is no separate self? The names confuse us, make us think they are independent from eachother. They are not independent of eachother. Nothing is independent of anything else. Can we even say a thing is a thing? Can we even say that all this is One thing? The idea of a thing supposes boundaries and fixed identity. But a tree is not a tree. A tree is the Universe, the Universe is a tree. All there is is Universe. All there is is tree. Tree = god. God = me. I am a tree. Lol fuck ya!! Let's go tree people!! Trerson. Maybe there are things. Maybe things are unique. I don't see why they couldn't be. What is is, this could be the way it is. If this were true, things would have to be both unique and the whole simultaneously. I don't fucking see how this makes sense, but it could somehow. I kinda don't buy it. If there are things then there is a difference between trees and people and differences among trees. Everything has an individual nature then. Everything then must also have a unique self, a unique being. If this is true then this is fucking wild. Lol wow. It don't need no reason, it just need be. What is is bitches. Everything is simultaneously itself and everything else. This is a wicked idea. Like mindfuckingsplosionlet'sgo. This would be a universe full of individuals, like floating seeds that are also each all of the seeds. Damn..sounds like Atman. I am concerned that this is simply a good theory that fits our subjective experience. We feel like a unique individual and also like the whole. Especially when we are awakening to us as God. The 10,000 thingseeds. Is this just a step on a ladder that dissolves into transcendence. Each thing does seem to have it's own uniqueness, but is this just because we are looking at it with egoic consciousness? We say this is a thing, it does these things, it doesn't do these things. It also seems like nothing is touching. Like everything is at a distance from everything else. Yet somehow everything is put together. wtf. More forests on hills and mountains=more shade=more snow=more water during summer. I wonder if any form exists at all, or are all forms dreams. And this universe is just a dream in the mind of a God. It seems like everything we witness is imagined, dreamt up from somewhere else. So is the universe of form simply a universe which is the imagination of egoic consciousness. The dream of separate things, of unique things. I kinda want to figure this out, but I also don't, because I don't want to kill myself, by completely eliminating my ego. This universe of unique things seems totally a projection of the egoic mind. Waking up is really like dying. Truly, even deeper than death. It really goes beyond the death we experience at the end of a mortal life. It's more profound than this. This would seem to make it scarier. 
    These are the things I want to figure out. They appear to be at the heart of doubt and they contribute to much of our suffering. Last word..I think the multitude is illusory, I think all there is is the whole. And it might not exist at all.