Feels

 Ma feels. Weighing pathways today. Thinking about prioritizing my desires and needs and perhaps narrowing my focus to top priorities. I found the thought of focusing just on, I would say, health and perhaps finances very appealing. This at the expense of pursuing women. It seems to be inconvenient to become celibate, but it could be worth it to have the success I imagine having getting to a solid point personally and financially. That is if I could maintain discipline and focus, or even find the right focus to begin with that realistically leads to these goals. I see how it could be worth it to establish these areas of my life. I also wonder if this outlook is the right approach, or the approach I will take in reality. It might not be necessary, or it might not be feasible to take this approach. It seems to be gaining appeal in some ways though. The simple act of choosing one activity to pursue in the long term, apart of this approach, seems to be increasingly relevant in my life.  In my life, whether it is real or illusion, my desires are becoming more specific and tangible. My will naturally aligns with them as they are more easily perceptible. This specifies them and reveals them more. Which pulls my will towards them more. Which makes me want them more and other things less. It's quite pleasant to know what you want and to be able to reach for it. 
There is so much on my mind and so much that I want that I feel overwhelmed almost always. Probably always. This makes my desire for security very strong. I feel tossed around by my passions and I am quite tired of it. I have felt that I haven't had the strength to get things under control. This feeling diminishes as I get stronger and wiser. Fear is a powerful motivator. Pain is as well. So are love and passion. Or desire. You have to trust that as you get stronger and wiser that what you choose to do is for the best even if it is at odds with where you stand now. Fears makes you fixate on particular aspects that might not actually get you where you want to go, and might not be as relevant when you have greater clarity of vision. When you get stronger, brighter, more open, wiser, you change as well. Your desires change. You change. I think a certain amount, perhaps a very large amount, of this is outside of your control. Though it is frustrating when you return to the same destructive habits when you get stronger and feel safer and hurt yourself again. Especially if your wounds run deep. This is when you end up kicking yourself. This is one of the unavoidable affects of naivety and ignorance. One of the unavoidable troubles of life really. It is apart of the process of suffering which we may not be able to avoid, we most likely have great difficulty avoiding, and also what we do not need to avoid. It is easy to think otherwise. Suffering hurts the worse when it hurts the worse. When we aren't hurting so bad, we feel like we can tackle it, tackle life. We are more accepting. When we hurt, we are more likely to be ruled by our passions, see less clearly, and be more afraid. More likely to run away from what is. Which also is fine. When we can see this process clearly, we can more easily recognize what we can and cannot do, be less afraid, and have more peace. Which I think feels good. When we are caught up in our suffering we don't necessarily see what is real, and not seeing this is apart of our suffering in the first place. So by understanding the processes by which we grow and change, how we are as human beings, we can more easily remain in the present with what is and suffer less. We can more easily see that we are simply human beings who experience a vast array of feelings and encounter a vast array of situations, and although there is nothing we can do to help it, we don't need to fight it. Here I think we find an opening from which true liberation arises. Not in eliminating suffering, but in seeing through it, embracing it, and being ok with it.