What to do with what you have.
I might not make it through this. At least the way I wish to. Do I really know if I will succeed?
I am optimistic and often full of hope, but am I really sure that I will succeed?
I know that there is much turbulence and chaos in my being.
Perhaps I am gambling with more than I know and my sense of security is not what it appears to be.
There really is a high degree of insecurity in my life. It is only balanced by my great vision and deep positive inspiration.
I've been rushing so much and it has felt largely uncontrollable. Action pops out of my mind before "healthy" consciousness can discern and reapply the energies in harmony. I do feel disconnected from myself and I have for a very long time. Often when I speak it does not feel like myself who is speaking. I don't know who I am anymore. I have so many questions concerning who I am that I find it hard to know where to begin to be myself. I think I become afraid and then lost in all the questions I have. I become overwhelmed by my feelings, then scared, then numb and silent as I shut off to the world living in darkness. Then I despair when I feel heartache at my unfulfilledness and perceived inability. Which makes me furious and wild and mad.
I think what I want most is to be myself and to be grounded in Earth and open to Heaven. I perceive a great deal of chaotic energy and form within my body and mind, and I sense it's release into greater and greater harmony. I also sense my own sense deepening and unifying, though there is still considerable imbalance. I feel it is important to be as mindful as I can of my feelings and thoughts as to bring myself back to center when possible when I sense these thoughts and feelings are disconnected from truth. Also to be mindful of my energies and awakening being as to fully utilize and integrate my power and self. To be here exactly as I am.
I don't have complete control over myself and I often fall into darkness. The possibility of reaching my goals is exciting, yet I know I must be mindful of my excitment and do my best to not be carried away. I think it is here that I truly want to be. Here where everything makes sense. I feel that the more I can be here, the easier it will be to be here. I cannot be overly afraid of darkness and I cannot be overly excited about truth. I rush to this and I rush to that, though I am learning to slow down. This is the most exciting part. It is what I have been yearning for for perhaps more than a decade. I think there will come a time when I will be able to presently clearly step away from rushing and have it leave my bones. This doesn't feel like it is now. I still have some time to walk in uncertainty, frustration and semi-darkness. I awaken at the back of the tiger on its tail, looking for the orange fire to ground my spirit on Earth.
Maybe I don't need to mystify this. Maybe its simple. I do feel fantasy. Can I be objective? Will it help me?
I try to make this epic journey throughout life and I feel blind. I think I am not seeing a lot that passes right in front of my eyes. It feels good to be aware of this blind spot. I can enjoy what I am missing out on. Maybe its Earthly life. Maybe its things as they are. Again being overly concerned of my fantastical nature will only blind me as it is also deluded. That spaz happy Aquarian will is apart of who I am and I actually really enjoy it. I do want to be mindful of it and not let it carry me to far away. The key is balance and a working integration of the parts of my consciousness. To be mindful of what's going on in and outside of me and do the best I can to be safe and wise. To be present and centered as I pass between the nodes of my being and discover deeper unity of myself.
Slow down. Be mindful of this process. Be mindful of what I am doing. I am centered? Is this a healthy direction. Be mindful of the path as it is being created in front of me by being mindful of what I am creating in this moment. Create a path that is true to me and true to the world.
Do I need to be doing this now? Is this a good plan or idea? Is this safe? Can I slow down more? Do I see the way to go. What is heaven telling me? Be connected to heaven as much as I can. Listen to the plan come down from the Gods.
Learn how to be safe. Learn how to be true. This is all I can do and all I wish to do
Aight. Peace
Sunday, October 27, 2019
Saturday, October 26, 2019
When your weary
Catch 22 life for days. What do you do?
No sleep. Tough luck
Can't begin to walk towards where you want to go?
What do you do?
Well. Maybe you can't change your life for the better. Maybe you can.
When I do sleep well I feel like shit and I really don't want to. When I chronically can't make the progress I want towards my goals year after year, I get pissed off. Really pissed off. So pissed off you feel violent, you become violent inside. And your so torn up that you can't let it out. So it just builds up year after year. The energy you can't get out drives you mad and your mind splinters off in uncontrollable ways. You lose a lot of control over yourself. Over your life. You can't express who you are personally, fit in socially, or feel or be steady.
When this happens to me, as it has been happening through the last 6 years you do suffer a lot. There's no avoiding that. Fortunately for me, and probably the main reason this happened to me, I have been undergoing a deep waking up process that has not been totally hindered by the imbalance of my sleeping. So when I can't move forward personally in human society, I continue to open up to my deeper nature and to truth. If you can't succeed personally you can instead continue asking how and why is this happening. If you possess a strong truth sense, you can delve deep into the openness of the self, into the impersonality of what seems to be an all encompassing personal experience. But, I don't think anything is given. I don't think there's a set way to do anything. I think you just get what you get. Maybe you get lucky, maybe you don't.
Today I was thinking. What makes us so sure that we will be saved? What makes us so sure that there's a heaven. Even if we can be saved by subtle energies, today I felt that these energies may simply be additional aspects of uncontrollable and perhaps unknowable raw and wild nature. We wish to be free of suffering, what if we can't? What if we can't change what's happening to us. What if it isn't really bad. It just hurts and this is apart of life as we know it. What if life is terrible and hard.
I think he is wiser who doesn't flee from the hard things that he who tries to rise above them. I think a lot of our attempts to purify ourselves are fantastical. Perhaps we can purify ourselves, but can we do it in this moment? Are we missing out on the full spectrum of life with our airy idealism. You can only get to the white shores if you take yourself there from where you are. Even then I think it nearly always with embroidery of chaos, survival, and Earthly life. I find real fulfillment when I embrace all of my life. My wholeness includes my weaknesses and shortcomings. My joy is built on my frailty and ignorance. Most of us aren't saints or gods. I don't think it's are place to expect that from ourselves now. I think the most satisfying thing we can do is to have a realistic sense of what we can do and what we are capable of now and have the heart to embrace the life we are given as it is right now. To be with what is now.
This even is beyond most of us...Pretty funny.
Welcome to life
No sleep. Tough luck
Can't begin to walk towards where you want to go?
What do you do?
Well. Maybe you can't change your life for the better. Maybe you can.
When I do sleep well I feel like shit and I really don't want to. When I chronically can't make the progress I want towards my goals year after year, I get pissed off. Really pissed off. So pissed off you feel violent, you become violent inside. And your so torn up that you can't let it out. So it just builds up year after year. The energy you can't get out drives you mad and your mind splinters off in uncontrollable ways. You lose a lot of control over yourself. Over your life. You can't express who you are personally, fit in socially, or feel or be steady.
When this happens to me, as it has been happening through the last 6 years you do suffer a lot. There's no avoiding that. Fortunately for me, and probably the main reason this happened to me, I have been undergoing a deep waking up process that has not been totally hindered by the imbalance of my sleeping. So when I can't move forward personally in human society, I continue to open up to my deeper nature and to truth. If you can't succeed personally you can instead continue asking how and why is this happening. If you possess a strong truth sense, you can delve deep into the openness of the self, into the impersonality of what seems to be an all encompassing personal experience. But, I don't think anything is given. I don't think there's a set way to do anything. I think you just get what you get. Maybe you get lucky, maybe you don't.
Today I was thinking. What makes us so sure that we will be saved? What makes us so sure that there's a heaven. Even if we can be saved by subtle energies, today I felt that these energies may simply be additional aspects of uncontrollable and perhaps unknowable raw and wild nature. We wish to be free of suffering, what if we can't? What if we can't change what's happening to us. What if it isn't really bad. It just hurts and this is apart of life as we know it. What if life is terrible and hard.
I think he is wiser who doesn't flee from the hard things that he who tries to rise above them. I think a lot of our attempts to purify ourselves are fantastical. Perhaps we can purify ourselves, but can we do it in this moment? Are we missing out on the full spectrum of life with our airy idealism. You can only get to the white shores if you take yourself there from where you are. Even then I think it nearly always with embroidery of chaos, survival, and Earthly life. I find real fulfillment when I embrace all of my life. My wholeness includes my weaknesses and shortcomings. My joy is built on my frailty and ignorance. Most of us aren't saints or gods. I don't think it's are place to expect that from ourselves now. I think the most satisfying thing we can do is to have a realistic sense of what we can do and what we are capable of now and have the heart to embrace the life we are given as it is right now. To be with what is now.
This even is beyond most of us...Pretty funny.
Welcome to life
Friday, October 25, 2019
Thoughts of the day #2
How do you deal with feelings that are regularly overwhelming? How do you deal with aspects of life that continually make you afraid? Do you have to slowly work your way out of these feelings by changing your environment, or can you change your outlook to solve your problems?
We often experience the same psychosomatic conditions in the same situations on a regular basis. We may feel stuck experience the same traumatic stress and feel like there's no way out. We feel like and believe that we don't have the strength to find a better job or a better whatever. We are fatigued enough and not threatened enough that we settle with the mundane and unfulfilling. How do you actually get out of the rut? I'm starting to wonder about and experiment with the process of radically changing my speech and thought to reflect the experience that I want to be living rather than the experience I am having. I know thoughts are heavily tied to the psychosomatic conditions we experience, so why keep on thinking and speaking out of harmony with what you truly desire.
Feeling and thoughts are interchangeable. They are different aspects of the same thing. Thoughts having a feeling and feelings can be summed up in thoughts. Speech is simply vocalizing feelings and thoughts. They are all the same thing. Aggregated data concerning your experience of life. They are simply relayed in different formats. Feelings are more intuitive, Thoughts concrete, and speech more interpersonal. Most of us aren't telepathic yet.
So your afraid. The thought, "I am afraid" or , "This is scary" may heighten the fear. It may just acknowledge it. Either way your thoughts are maintaining and perpetuating a fear relationship. What if instead when you first recognize the fear, you instead face it and tell yourself, I enjoy this. This is fun. The degree to which you believe yourself is the degree to which your psychosomatic condition changes. I think you could do this and seriously get into trouble if your overstepping your ability to master yourself with the alternative declaration. I don't suggest doing it in a truly dangerous situation in which you are ill equipped and ill trained. Rather experiment in lower key situations. Like when your chilling at your house and you notice you are having a negative reaction to something mundane. See if you can change your psychosomatic response just by changing your thoughts and speech concerning the subject.
I think you can use your intuition, imagination, willpower and vision to redirect any psychosomatic experience or reaction to any other experience or reaction. I think this is a practice and takes time to develop. But I do think it is a legitimate way to change your life. A way that I think may work best in tandem with other methods such as; diet, exercise, changing your environment, learning, therapy, whatever...
I am an Aquarius sun sign with a great deal of inner joy that always seems to be there even in the shittiest of situations. I don't always enjoy it, but I think I can draw from it even when I feel shitty to change my mood. This last week I have been tired and upset and I just spontaneously said, "I feel great". At first it felt like I was lying, but after a while, it pretty much changed my mood after I said it several more times. I got excited about feeling great. I still felt a heavy background of tired and stress, but I wasn't lost in it that much anymore.
I have spent a great deal of time deeply studying emotions, feelings, thoughts, and the nature of reality in general so I have a solid understanding of how things interplay within myself. I also have spent years shifted my center of consciousness to pure intuition and now towards pure being. As well as a solid understanding of how to manifest in the present moment. All this helped me truly feel and actually be great when I said I am great.
The key with reprogramming your thoughts, feeling, and speech is to do it in a positive way. You have to truly believe you are making the changes towards where you want to be. If you don't, you will simply build more resistance to positive flow.
You have to truly change how you feel about yourself. Your feelings are the content of who you are. Your thoughts and speech won't change who you are unless they begin to change the content of your heart.
My telling myself, "I am great" is one step of many I have taken in the process of transmuting my heart towards radiance. I truly believed it in some way when I said it. It tapped into real feelings that were strong enough to put me in a decent mood.
So basically, you can't overdue it. And you have to get to know yourself well enough to know when your bullshitting and when your attempts at self growth are really fear based, compulsive and not what you truly wish to be focusing on. I don't think this kind of change is easy for like 99.999 percent of the human population.
That being said. It can be done. And it's pretty amazing when it starts taking off. You realize you can do anything with your imagination, vision, and will.
This is true magic and alchemy.
Just think, wow, I don't have to be afraid of anything. I don't have to be nervous about anything. What if I start telling myself that I'm fearless, unstoppable, super-inteligent, super-capable. What if you don't have to be afraid? What if, if your not afraid, you will live in a world where it makes sense not to be afraid of anything. And its simply fear that is keeping you in a dangerous world and anxiety that is keeping you in insecurity.
What's it like to live in joy most of the time? Not to worry about money, or relationships, your health, or the future. Sounds fuckin nice!
That's where I'm checking out. Fuck the regular way of looking at things. I'm gonna fly and dance and army crawl through life. I'm gonna make apples out of bananas and treasure out of small spaces.
Peace!
We often experience the same psychosomatic conditions in the same situations on a regular basis. We may feel stuck experience the same traumatic stress and feel like there's no way out. We feel like and believe that we don't have the strength to find a better job or a better whatever. We are fatigued enough and not threatened enough that we settle with the mundane and unfulfilling. How do you actually get out of the rut? I'm starting to wonder about and experiment with the process of radically changing my speech and thought to reflect the experience that I want to be living rather than the experience I am having. I know thoughts are heavily tied to the psychosomatic conditions we experience, so why keep on thinking and speaking out of harmony with what you truly desire.
Feeling and thoughts are interchangeable. They are different aspects of the same thing. Thoughts having a feeling and feelings can be summed up in thoughts. Speech is simply vocalizing feelings and thoughts. They are all the same thing. Aggregated data concerning your experience of life. They are simply relayed in different formats. Feelings are more intuitive, Thoughts concrete, and speech more interpersonal. Most of us aren't telepathic yet.
So your afraid. The thought, "I am afraid" or , "This is scary" may heighten the fear. It may just acknowledge it. Either way your thoughts are maintaining and perpetuating a fear relationship. What if instead when you first recognize the fear, you instead face it and tell yourself, I enjoy this. This is fun. The degree to which you believe yourself is the degree to which your psychosomatic condition changes. I think you could do this and seriously get into trouble if your overstepping your ability to master yourself with the alternative declaration. I don't suggest doing it in a truly dangerous situation in which you are ill equipped and ill trained. Rather experiment in lower key situations. Like when your chilling at your house and you notice you are having a negative reaction to something mundane. See if you can change your psychosomatic response just by changing your thoughts and speech concerning the subject.
I think you can use your intuition, imagination, willpower and vision to redirect any psychosomatic experience or reaction to any other experience or reaction. I think this is a practice and takes time to develop. But I do think it is a legitimate way to change your life. A way that I think may work best in tandem with other methods such as; diet, exercise, changing your environment, learning, therapy, whatever...
I am an Aquarius sun sign with a great deal of inner joy that always seems to be there even in the shittiest of situations. I don't always enjoy it, but I think I can draw from it even when I feel shitty to change my mood. This last week I have been tired and upset and I just spontaneously said, "I feel great". At first it felt like I was lying, but after a while, it pretty much changed my mood after I said it several more times. I got excited about feeling great. I still felt a heavy background of tired and stress, but I wasn't lost in it that much anymore.
I have spent a great deal of time deeply studying emotions, feelings, thoughts, and the nature of reality in general so I have a solid understanding of how things interplay within myself. I also have spent years shifted my center of consciousness to pure intuition and now towards pure being. As well as a solid understanding of how to manifest in the present moment. All this helped me truly feel and actually be great when I said I am great.
The key with reprogramming your thoughts, feeling, and speech is to do it in a positive way. You have to truly believe you are making the changes towards where you want to be. If you don't, you will simply build more resistance to positive flow.
You have to truly change how you feel about yourself. Your feelings are the content of who you are. Your thoughts and speech won't change who you are unless they begin to change the content of your heart.
My telling myself, "I am great" is one step of many I have taken in the process of transmuting my heart towards radiance. I truly believed it in some way when I said it. It tapped into real feelings that were strong enough to put me in a decent mood.
So basically, you can't overdue it. And you have to get to know yourself well enough to know when your bullshitting and when your attempts at self growth are really fear based, compulsive and not what you truly wish to be focusing on. I don't think this kind of change is easy for like 99.999 percent of the human population.
That being said. It can be done. And it's pretty amazing when it starts taking off. You realize you can do anything with your imagination, vision, and will.
This is true magic and alchemy.
Just think, wow, I don't have to be afraid of anything. I don't have to be nervous about anything. What if I start telling myself that I'm fearless, unstoppable, super-inteligent, super-capable. What if you don't have to be afraid? What if, if your not afraid, you will live in a world where it makes sense not to be afraid of anything. And its simply fear that is keeping you in a dangerous world and anxiety that is keeping you in insecurity.
What's it like to live in joy most of the time? Not to worry about money, or relationships, your health, or the future. Sounds fuckin nice!
That's where I'm checking out. Fuck the regular way of looking at things. I'm gonna fly and dance and army crawl through life. I'm gonna make apples out of bananas and treasure out of small spaces.
Peace!
Thursday, October 24, 2019
Thought of the day #1
-Reality is an extremely complicated constantly changing image that is manipulated by the mind and can be altered by intention, imagination, and thought in any way-
Basically I was looking in the mirror at the dark depressions under my eyes from not getting enough sleep and I thought that everything in my body is a highly complicated orchestrated image. An image that is no different from any other image in mind or imagination. This body or Earth Universe image is just more dominant in this moment than most other images. When you are manifesting the life you desire (bringing health the flesh under my eyes), your really just altering the content of the hologram we live in via your psychic connection to everything. Lol... Everything may not in fact be solid, it may be perceived, in what I think is a very workable way, as a ever-changing 3-dimensional image that contains infinite depth and complexity. Imagine that you are the intelligent light composing all dimensions of the body. The cells, the energies, the blood, the tissues, the muscles, the skin, the hair and teeth, all are composed of light. You are an intelligence that can alter these forms by basically processing them, understanding them, and having a strong enough intention of what you want them to become. Nothing in your body is fixed. Nothing in your mind is fixed. It's all wavering light strewn together over the millennia in such an incredible way that we know as the body. It still isn't fixed. Its a temporary play of light. A play that we can alter however we wish if we have the proper understanding and direction of thought and intention.
It seems like the more you understand reality, the less boundaries there are to what you are capable of...
To the point where you uncover the secrets to the most unbreakable bonds of human thought....
This bond being the imminence of death...
What holds you back from immortality is the unknown, fate, the next moment and deeper insights that move you beyond your desires for an Earthly life.
The crazy thing is, you may in fact someday have the power to not only keep death at bay, but master the energies of life and live in eternal youth...
I know this is possible...but will it happen?
We only have this moment to find out...
Basically I was looking in the mirror at the dark depressions under my eyes from not getting enough sleep and I thought that everything in my body is a highly complicated orchestrated image. An image that is no different from any other image in mind or imagination. This body or Earth Universe image is just more dominant in this moment than most other images. When you are manifesting the life you desire (bringing health the flesh under my eyes), your really just altering the content of the hologram we live in via your psychic connection to everything. Lol... Everything may not in fact be solid, it may be perceived, in what I think is a very workable way, as a ever-changing 3-dimensional image that contains infinite depth and complexity. Imagine that you are the intelligent light composing all dimensions of the body. The cells, the energies, the blood, the tissues, the muscles, the skin, the hair and teeth, all are composed of light. You are an intelligence that can alter these forms by basically processing them, understanding them, and having a strong enough intention of what you want them to become. Nothing in your body is fixed. Nothing in your mind is fixed. It's all wavering light strewn together over the millennia in such an incredible way that we know as the body. It still isn't fixed. Its a temporary play of light. A play that we can alter however we wish if we have the proper understanding and direction of thought and intention.
It seems like the more you understand reality, the less boundaries there are to what you are capable of...
To the point where you uncover the secrets to the most unbreakable bonds of human thought....
This bond being the imminence of death...
What holds you back from immortality is the unknown, fate, the next moment and deeper insights that move you beyond your desires for an Earthly life.
The crazy thing is, you may in fact someday have the power to not only keep death at bay, but master the energies of life and live in eternal youth...
I know this is possible...but will it happen?
We only have this moment to find out...
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
At the bottom of being a person
The other day my consciousness moved deeper than I have perceived before. I saw that it didn't really matter what happened to me as and individual, or to anyone or anything, because at the base of who I am I am not anyone or anything at all. This is how I felt, if I can say that I felt it, at the time. Now I wonder if both I am and I am not. At the time it appeared that who I am is something temporarily arising. I saw that the whole sensation of being was temporary and without any eternal form. I saw being as something inside of something else. I felt that all of my drives and ambitions were temporary and that I wasn't myself at all. I wasn't who I thought I was, I wasn't anyone really.
Who I thought I was was someone or something permanent. I thought I was the center of the universe, or connected to something real. I thought that what I knew was everything. And I realized that being had a limit. Where I was joy was no different than suffering. I was not I. I was a temporary form and it had nothing to do with me because I didn't really exist at all. I wasn't separate from life, I just wasn't anything. All of life seemed like a shell. A shell that I didn't arise out of or transcend, a shell that held me and outside of it there wasn't me.
It was a true end of personhood and being. An end not seen before. The self is afraid of this because it sees it as death. It cannot be there, it is not there. This place is where there is no self. It is off the edge of a map. The self tries to sustain life and joy because it is afraid of oblivion. As long as it is afraid of oblivion, it will not be fulfilled. Accepting oblivion truly is the end of the self. At least partially. The self occupies its space in the kosmos like a tree occupies its proper space in a field. It has its trunk coming off the ground extending into branches and leaves that fill the sky, along with roots that dig into the earth. But beyond this, it is dirt, grass, air worms and birds. This is the same with being. It is the tree. It has its place, but it is only one of many things that exist outside of it and are clearly not it. These things have completely different natures. nature's we may not be able to describe. I thought this tree was my heart, but when the air was felt and the birds were heard I felt that I was in fact heartless.
The life of the tree was the heart of my whole universe. Life always exists in this universe. But this was not life and in not being life, life was not everything. And if life is only 1 grain of sand then it is not the heart of the universe, it is merely an aspect of an infinite universe. I saw "my life" and all life as one grain of sand, one moment of change, in a sea of something else. A sea that is not being.
It is not necessarily void. It makes sense if you think about it. Do you really think that the universe is limited to being? The universe is not limited to anything. Sense moves beyond I and being.
It makes you wonder if life is what we really think it is. Is being really what we think it is. This outside of being lies within the heart of life. Perhaps being is not at all. Perhaps there is no being. Everything we think we are experiencing personally may be an illusion. I think it is. I think it's the fact that we are personally experiencing it which makes us inherently blind to objective truth. It may be this blindness that is necessary for being to exist at all. Perhaps being is real, but only in the veil of ignorance.
Who I thought I was was someone or something permanent. I thought I was the center of the universe, or connected to something real. I thought that what I knew was everything. And I realized that being had a limit. Where I was joy was no different than suffering. I was not I. I was a temporary form and it had nothing to do with me because I didn't really exist at all. I wasn't separate from life, I just wasn't anything. All of life seemed like a shell. A shell that I didn't arise out of or transcend, a shell that held me and outside of it there wasn't me.
It was a true end of personhood and being. An end not seen before. The self is afraid of this because it sees it as death. It cannot be there, it is not there. This place is where there is no self. It is off the edge of a map. The self tries to sustain life and joy because it is afraid of oblivion. As long as it is afraid of oblivion, it will not be fulfilled. Accepting oblivion truly is the end of the self. At least partially. The self occupies its space in the kosmos like a tree occupies its proper space in a field. It has its trunk coming off the ground extending into branches and leaves that fill the sky, along with roots that dig into the earth. But beyond this, it is dirt, grass, air worms and birds. This is the same with being. It is the tree. It has its place, but it is only one of many things that exist outside of it and are clearly not it. These things have completely different natures. nature's we may not be able to describe. I thought this tree was my heart, but when the air was felt and the birds were heard I felt that I was in fact heartless.
The life of the tree was the heart of my whole universe. Life always exists in this universe. But this was not life and in not being life, life was not everything. And if life is only 1 grain of sand then it is not the heart of the universe, it is merely an aspect of an infinite universe. I saw "my life" and all life as one grain of sand, one moment of change, in a sea of something else. A sea that is not being.
It is not necessarily void. It makes sense if you think about it. Do you really think that the universe is limited to being? The universe is not limited to anything. Sense moves beyond I and being.
It makes you wonder if life is what we really think it is. Is being really what we think it is. This outside of being lies within the heart of life. Perhaps being is not at all. Perhaps there is no being. Everything we think we are experiencing personally may be an illusion. I think it is. I think it's the fact that we are personally experiencing it which makes us inherently blind to objective truth. It may be this blindness that is necessary for being to exist at all. Perhaps being is real, but only in the veil of ignorance.
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