Everything is the whole

 
Everything is the whole. Period. Everything we see. Whole. Every sound, every thought, every feeling. Not separate occurrence, whole. You think it is separate, you feel it is separate. Whole. The whole is everything. Including everything that you think isn't. It is the whole. How could it be any other way. Nothing about anything is separate, not thoughts or feelings of separateness. whole. whole. whole. Everything you perceive, in any way is the whole. All whole. Nothing more or less than anything else. No better or worse degrees of wholeness. Everything whole. You think, perhaps quietly in a dark part of your mind, "This is not whole, this is not good. Things are not what we think they are. They are not separate, they are the whole, all there is is the whole. Nothing outside, nothing inside. Whole. Everything you see is you. Everything you see is your body. Your body is the body of everything you see. Nothing ends where you imagine it does. Everything is boundless. Nothing is limited. Nothing at all. Everything is everything. I don't quite understand how this works..it's pretty trippy, but I think it's goddamn true. The way we look at the world is not how it is. Wow like really not how it is. In a way that is like perpetually taking acid. We see everything as this and that, this not that, this not that. We imagine boundaries everywhere. When you look for the boundaries you find ideas, delusions, and nothing, seamless flow of everything into everything else. I don't know if we can even call things things, because the word thing is an idea that delineates this from that. It's fucking crazy. I am not just this body. Honestly, I'm not just saying this. I am not just the thoughts that I perceive to be coming from this locus of selfdom. Literally I am every body out there, every stream of thoughts and feeling. Like as much as I am this body here that I call my own. I am not just saying this because it sounds cool and deep, I'm saying it because I realize that what I thought I was is not who I am. And it's frickin weird. But makes so much sense. We are so uncomfortable in our own bodies and in our egos. It makes sense that we are something much much more expansive. And we are. Not like we become this eventually with consciousness deepening and waking up, we literally all are it right now, it's how things always have been as far as I can see. As far as I can tell. We think we are separate. We think we are Alec Scheibe. Renee Schwartz. Kenny Rogers. Myself and not the world. More like myself the world. I know what is like to vaguely intuitively sense this and to conceptually get it, and then go on questing for spiritual awakening while I still feel almost entirely like a separate person. I know what it's like to cling to my identity. To slowly work towards this realization and reality I am coming across now. Now, I am losing that identity I had, that part of myself which so much of me never thought I could lose or get beyond. It's just a pebble in the kosmos on a kosmic beach located somewhere, anywhere in the infinite realm of the heavens. We think it's so big, so real. It's really all that we know. It is our reference point for everything. It is the operating system for our computer. Yet it's totally frickin finite, totally fricken not eternal or immortal. Totally not the whole world, which we always feel that it is. It's just crazy that something so integral to mass human consciousness is just a passing structure in the mind. That it is completely without roots. And that 99.9999 percent of the population is convinced that it is totally legitimate. And it's just fucking imagined. The whole world, human society, operates based off of this perception. Fucking nuts. 

I was so attached to my separate self. I don't even know if I can call it mine anymore. I'm not quite sure what I am, what being means. I have just seen clearly over the law few days, and especially today, how I am not this body, this identity, and this consciousness perceived here in a way in which I am it and not everything else and everyone else around me. Everything we do is centered around our ego, pretty much even if we are spiritual. Our whole consciousness is tied to ego centeredness. Our whole world is limited to egoic perception. We think we are growing spiritually and I don't think we realize how ego dominated we are. We don't realize the extent to which consciousness is deluded by egoic structures. The shift I am going through is like siyonara baby. I always imagined liberation and awaking in such an egoic way, seeing it happening to me, a fulling of this personalized lust that I was, and am groping for. It's so fucking wrong. Waking up is the death of the self. It really is. It's not what we think it is. So much of what we are doing in our spiritual search is a quest for immortality and power. Power really. Power to do what we want when we want it. It's not about god, it's about winning the battle against the world in a way in which the egoic personality is eternally triumphant. Waking up really is about losing this, losing this center of gravity, and gaining a different center of gravity, in which there is no center. Center everywhere. I was and perhaps still am a power hungry muther fucker. I want to rule the world. With my big cock and badass looks. Ridiculous. But I grew up in the United States  at the turn of the century with Hollywood plots for my role models. I can't press a button and change this about myself instantly. I frankly don't want to. It's kind of fun when it doesn't get out of hand. But when you are faced with the unavoidable reality that the world does not fucking work the way you think it does and your identity is turning into smoke and blowing away in the wind what the fuck can you do? I don't think there's anything else for me. It's like burying yourself in a cemetary. R.I.P. Alec Scheibe. Into a another whole fucking universe! Fucking nuts, really fucking scary, but it's happening !? And this is what I wished for?? I laugh at all of you with the same wish, and the balls to go for it, and the naivety and foolhardiness that I had. Your in for it. Lol. It's a trap!! Ya I'm gonna get all this cool shit with my new powers...oh shit...everything's slipping away...oh shit...that's all a dream...no going back...lol well this world that people apparently live in is fucking nuts anyways. I saw through so much of it I was like wtf is going on? Why is everyone so blind? We're on a collision course with hell? What is the point of all of this? How do I fix this? What is really important anyways? I am not these superficial ideas people have about themselves? Which ideas/feelings are real? What do I want to follow? Never satisfied, people at college at a limit, not true enough, not good enough for me. I want the truth. These people don't know and aren't going there. For whatever fucking reason I feel exceptionally capable to finding out and become single minded in my determination to do so. Dude what a fucking trip. So many fucking layers. So much depth. Lol. I'm doing all this shit and nobody has any idea wtf I'm up to. Fucking dove off the cliffs of Dover into the abyss. Lol. Poking around in the underworld, touching shit, getting burned, running for my life. ha. What do you do? What have you been up to? uhhh...(uncertain pause) landscaping...I've been blogging a lot. I should just fucking tell people. Let it all out. Why the fuck not. Filters are exhausting. I don't want to fucking hide anymore. They aren't who they think they are anyway. They aren't these separate people leading there own lives, you aren't either, they are simply not. I am going to stop pretending like they are real, because they are not. And I need to get the fuck on with my life, into new life. I am not Alec Scheibe. Alec Scheibe is a dream. I am the whole, I am Merlin. Merlin is the whole. Merlin is the Universe. Beat that bitch. 

What's the point in trying? We cannot move separately from the whole

 If we are the whole and not our egos, then what's the point in trying to better ourselves? 

Well, we are the whole being an ego, the ego strives, it's just what it does. So we don't really need to stop ourselves from striving in some ultimate morality clause. Perhaps as long as we have ideas that we can better ourself we will strive to do so. I guess we can get better at doing things, but we can't become more complete than we already are I think. We can just feel more complete than we already are. 

Even our basest actions are the whole moving. Our most selfish actions, the darkest point of consciousness, all the whole moving. It's all that's happening, the whole moving. We look outside of ourselves at world full of people and we say, "That person is less conscious than me.", or "That person is more conscious than me." We think of others as separate beings with separate consciousness's. With different consciousness's. They are separate, they aren't greater or smaller. It is just the whole moving. We get caught up in personalities and assume they belong to these completely autonomous individuals and this is just not how it works. We are so caught up in the idea of me mine, you, yours, that, this. Everything is distinguished from everything else. Everything is separate with it's own autonomy. It's this thing and that thing. That person who is different from this person. People in a room at a party are different people. That we treat as different people, new people to get to know. When we are really just the same. It's all the whole. There is no separate self. Do you know what this means? That you as Chris, or Sharon, or Mike, or Leslie are not who you think you are. Your separate self is everything attached to your name. It's what makes you feel different from other people. You are not different because you and they are not separate. They are you and you are them. Your name, your ideas about yourself and what makes you you are contrived. This is who I am. Nope. You do not belong to yourself. You cannot hold onto yourself. You never have been yourself. Who you think you are doesn't exist. It is made up in your head. It's a part of this dream that permeates human consciousness. It just isn't real. It seems that everything we think about ourselves is an illusion. I am this way, I am not this way. It just seems off. all this thought about how I am this separate individual leading this separate life just seems contrived. 

Yet nearly every one of us is dreaming the particular dream. When we are in it, or when we slip into it, we are convinced it is real. Which is very easy to do considering the dream floats around inhabiting every body you run into. Which I find to be very strange and often uncomfortable. I am not who you think I am. It slips over the eyes and we're lost in a smooth blanket of shadowy darkness. Yet this is the nature of here. Of this. Even when the dream is pleasant, it is still a dream. The insecurity of the ego lurks underneath and adjacent to the pretty lights. There is simply the whole. 

Yet I don't think the way is to avoid this dream like the plague. It is the whole. It feels right to embrace it and just live it wholeheartedly. To go through with it even though it doesn't make sense. Which sounds crazy, but I don't think there's another way. I think we get over it, by going through it. We create distance from it by embracing it vicariously. 

Radiant Light

 All there is is radiant light. Everything is radiant light. Everything we see and are aware of, everything we experience. Radiant light. All ways, all paths. Radiant light. All thoughts, all feelings. Radiant light. All form, all actions, all aspects, all perceptions. Radiant light..Radiant light. Radiant light. Radiant light. Everything is illuminated. Radiant. Radiating. Light pouring out of everything. Light being everything. Light pouring and streaming and melting. Expanding and filling. Surrounding and probing. Giving and taking. Radiant light. All places. Filling everything with infinite immeasurable luminescence. Glowing warming, filling. Everywhere. Everything. Radiance. Radiant, Illumination. Illumination. Illumination. 

I am a human being in a world of light. Surrounded and filled with light. Tasting light in so many different ways. Living, breathing, and dying in light. Born from the soil, upon the soil, returned to the soil and the sky. I live and I die. My name is Merlin. I am a human being in a radiant universe of light. I am light within light. I am Merlin. I am light. I am being. I am presence. I am here. Here I am. Born of the Universe. The breath and form of the Universe. The Universe is my body and my home. It is my life. I am Merlin. Merlin is the Universe. Merlin is the Sky. Merlin is the heart of all hearts. He is the force that binds all together. He is the light. He is the way. I am Merlin. I am life. Here I am. There is nothing outside me. Here I am. Here, I am. There is one life within all life. One force, one way. I am all that is. I am all, that is. Here I am. Boundless universe. Boundless self. Unbounded being. I want some more fucking apple cider. Jesus christ it is delicious. Yes. So tasty. I am all that is. I am the way. The way that is not without. That is without another way. I am this way. They way. The only and single way. Here I am. I am it. Shining vigorously through all things. No top, no bottom, no sides, directionless, formless, timeless, nameless, every word out of your mouth. Every motion you make, good, bad, meaningless, light resplendent. light resplendent. light resplendent. Eyes full, heart full, body full, mind full. Light. Light. Resplendent light. Wherever, however. Light.I am light, not myself, but light. Not anything else. Light. There is no self, just light being light. Light. 

Resisting the whole

 The more I wake up, the more it looks like what we call the ego, what is resistance to life, is the whole caught up in madness. A fiery and hostile, "No!!". "I will have it my way". Madness. Caught up in madness. Meanwhile the whole flows by and all around while madness resists. Madness is a state of the whole in a particular area. It is the whole being mad. Seeing and accepting the reality of the whole tends towards health in the body and equanimity in the mind. Regardless if we see the reality of the whole or not, the reality remains the same. The interdependence of form in a seamless movement. Movement that can move to madness in a particular area. Madness ripples through form like the effect of a stone cast into water, infecting all in it's immediate area and weakening the further out it spreads. Such is the effect of all states of consciousness and energies present. Formfields stretching to the infinite among an infinite field of interrelating and interaffecting formfields. The will of the whole tends towards balance and fulfillment of form, yet it is imperfect and uneven, at least in our human consciousness, and in the apparent reality of life on Earth. At least as the whole is here, there is madness and suffering, and human consciousness feels compelled by compassion to ease this. 

The idea at the root of this madness is that "I AM ME AND NOT YOU" "I AM ME AND NOT THIS". This, you is my enemy because I do not understand it and I am afraid of it and I imagine that it is hostile towards me. Everything italicized is also imagined and misunderstood. At this point what I, you, me, and it are are not understood, they are poorly understood. What they are doesn't require that we denote them as thus. They do not need naming, identity does not need naming, what is, is here. I will resist what is "outside" of me because it can destroy me. What is identified as I or what is mine can pass away, but everything that is imagined as external to the internal is just as internal as the internal, and the internal is a part of the same field that is deemed external. That which cause forms to change and pass away is inseparable from what is deemed I. It is inseparable from what we call positive and life giving. The reality is we cannot resist the whole forever, we don't even resist it for a moment, because we are never a separate self with a separate will. We are always the whole. We are the whole being born into egoic consciousness which has a partial, yet expanding, understanding of the nature of reality. It is as whole as anything else because is is not separate from anything else. You cannot say that the ego is alone and of itself. It is not. It cannot be viewed as an isolated event or an isolated thing. It is a part of the whole universe being born and the whole universe is a part of it. It is it. The ego is the universe. It is the universe as a whole being egoic in a particular location. The universe is egoic. It is an unavoidable reality and a reality that we don't need to avoid. We try to avoid because we are afraid of it's power over us, we are afraid of the reality of it. Which is the reality of prison and suffering. Life with the ego is suffering. Yet suffering is not evil. It is merely suffering. One of many aspects of reality. Unpleasant, but not evil. Often undesirable, but not morally wrong. 

Egoic resistance of the whole is illusory and subjective resistance. Resistance that we feel personally and experience subjectively, yet an impossible resistance. For we are not separate from the whole and the resistance we carry out is not our own. Resistance is an idea, it is not a reality. It is an idea that defines a subjective experience that does not exist outside of our imagination. The experience is largely rooted in the...

We are not the ego, we are not the part, not just the part, we are the whole. It is the movement of the whole that moves, not the movement that the ego imagines it makes and it imagines the world makes. The movement of the whole is full of egos though without an ego itself. It is egoless. What happens to us is in a way egoless. The separate selves we imagine we have, roaming the world on a daily basis, composing this world do not exist. There is just the whole with many different personalities, but all the whole. All one movement that has nothing to do with you or me, it is just one movement, one being, moving being now as it is. This is all there is. All else is imaginary. We want both the whole and the part, we wish to bind the whole with the will of the part for the sake of the part when it is the whole that binds the part for the sake of the whole. The whole creates the part and is the part, the part being the whole. The part cannot be the whole all by itself for only itself. It can only be the whole as it is the whole expressing itself in the part as the part. For the sake of the part and for the sake of all that is. The whole expresses itself through each part so it can express itself as a whole. It is the sum of all these parts that makes the whole. The whole being each and every one of these parts in the here and now. This is it. We are the whole being the part that is one with all that is. There are many selves that make up the one self. The great self. Each self being the Great self being a little self. Everything is God. Everything is Atman. Everything is liberated consciousness. We are surrounded by God in all things and in all way. Radiant light in all that surrounds us, radiant light in all that is us. Light, pure light, all there is is radiant light. We get lost in particulars and we forget the whole, we forget the truth. That all is radiant light. All is radiant light. 

The whole and the part

 I was thinking today about how we want things that are often right in front of us, but we don't go go for them. We sometimes want or try to force ourselves to grasping for them, but often it doesn't feel right to be so forceful. Why? When I returned to my house I had some thoughts about this that I feel are interesting and possibly useful. They felt very useful indeed. Ok, so we have a lot of confusion about how to behave correctly in all kind of situations. We have this inner sense of right and wrong that goes as deep as it gets. Understanding this sense and being able to interpret it on a daily basis is useful right? So the thought I had was our confusion arises over both our delusion surrounding what we think we can obtain and our delusion surrounding our identity and the nature of reality. When we identify with the illusory part, the ego, which thinks that it is what it is not, we are perpetually handicapped in our quest to obtain what we want. The pork roast that I am currently crockpotting of this discussion is actually how to obtain balance in life through right perception and right action. We are not the part, the ego. We are the whole. Always. We do not move in isolation from the world or universe. We are a part of and the whole universe moving at once. So our action is not limited to our egoic will, our action is the whole world moving at once. We don't move in isolation, we are the whole moving. When we think we are separate from this and ignore our sense of it, of the whole, we ignore how things are moving and acting in this moment. We don't see it, so we stumble in the dark maybe not even towards what we want. We only see what we think we want because we are blind to reality in our egoic consciousness. We may see ourselves acting in such a way reaching for such a think, creating such an experience, but we are really incapable of seeing what is actually happening, what we are actually doing, what we are actually manifesting, because of our limited delusory focus. Our ego says, "I want this". When we are blinded by egoic passion, we say this, but we can't see what we really want, or the big picture. Blinded in our egoic passion, we can't see that the world is moving in a more complicated and in some ways different way. We are so conditioned to listen to this egoic voice, to think we need to strengthen our egoic will, yet it is impossible to succeed doing so while it it maintains a false perception of the way the world is and works. We are not just ourselves moving. In REI when I saw that hot girl and I was looking at her butt and my friend said just go and talk to her, I felt the egoic passion well up, to try and force me into action. Then I thought that this egoic perspective is not the entire picture, that I am not just this individual moving around. I am all these people in the store moving together in one will and one movement. The suffering arising with ego is due to the misperception. We are often so attached to egoic desire and egoic pleasure, that we however subtly brush aside consciousness that undermines it's authority. We want to want. We want to burn. We are mad with desire and the illusion of power that fulfilling egoic desire gives us. Unfortunately. I don't think I would see this all so clearly, and be able to just not act on that impulse if I hadn't lost so much and been pried so open. If I wouldn't have seen the deep delusion of egoic desire, passion and pleasure so clearly because I was wounded so much by it. If I would have succeeded more, I would still be a blind fool. A fool with deep thoughts, but blind to what righteousness means in it's deepest sense and blind to the deep delusion of egoic identity which is the most subtle prison we inhabit. You can have all the pleasures in the world, all the success as an individual and still not know yourself. Still be tied to your egoic consciousness as your believed self, and still suffer not being truly free. This is my deepest desire, to be truly free, I think even deeper than my desire for egoic pleasure. This means giving up more and becoming more, and less, than I think nearly everyone can fathom. It is not what spiritual seekers think it is. Yet I find that I can't stand being trapped in this nightmare of delusion we call ourself. I guess if we can distinguish with great skill the difference between the egoic pull and the movement of the whole and can let go of that egoic pull through acceptance of the movement of the whole, what is real, then we can be free of this mad dance and this mad rat race that we find ourselves in. Reality can be so confusing, so complicated. With such depth, and so many degrees of meaning, and points that we feel we need to attend to. If you can sense the whole, then you may be able to let go of a great degree of tension, struggle, and anxiety. Seeing the whole automatically changes our behavior. Realizing that we are the whole will moving, not our egoic perception, and seeing the whole move is an end to the personal struggle to make sense out of what we ought to do in this moment. If you see the whole move, then you realize that you automatically move with it, and you see yourself moving with it. Here there is no resistance, there is just movement. No choice to be made, no decision to be made, just the whole moving, you in it, with it, deciding and doing in it, never separate from it. There is a peace here that the heart yearns for, that it struggles to realize through contemplation and action. The final delusion that keeps us from this peace is the delusion that it is us, who are separate from life, that are in total control, have total responsibility, and have total authority to take action and make choices to determine how our lives and the world are, when in reality the responsibility is shared among the horde of form that moves interdependently and singularly as one will and one force. It is the clear and striking sense of this deshrowded will that hums with the vibration that gives us peace. It is something to perceive. Not something to necessarily know.  

Achieving for ourselves is not the entire picture. It is a part of it. We cling to this part with so much force that we are unbalanced. Often very unbalanced. Our society is in the heart of this perception. Realizing it's limitation is going often in what appears and is experienced personally as the opposite direction. A direction that society perceives often as unbalanced and mad as well. Yet, the ground found through this realization is the solidest ground you can find anywhere. I do not think it easy now to realize this. Not at all. This does not mean it isn't worthwhile to pursue. We are so immersed in the feeling that life is about satisfying these personal ambitions and desires. So caught up in these notions. Most of which aren't our own in the first place. We are so heavily focused on personal and outward success and so unbalanced by this focus that I think many of us are terribly unhealthy and terribly unhappy. Not to mention, terrible lost. This one movement, this will that is everyone and everything moving with us in a way not separate from us, is the heart of our hearts. It is the light that fills the void that is a nightmare in our hollowed out and frankly raped society. Greed, fear, madness, and an immaturity which is narcissism and selfishness consume us, our society and our world. They fill it with this nightmarish vacuum that most are terrified to confront directly. There is so much more than this egoic ambition. This one movement, this heart, this truth that truly is all that shines, is our being, our soul, and if you can call anything our self, it is our self. It is the life force that we depend on and that we are utterly starved of, even as it is and surrounds us in infinite depth everywhere. We are in the desert. Yet the desert is just our imagination. There is abundance all around us. We can not realize this when we are consumed by our egos. Consumed by fear. We can reach for what we desire for ourselves. We can have more success when we realize that this self we call our own is a part of something much much larger. We may even find peace when we can let go of much that we call our own to become what we already are. 

We can't beat the world, we are the world. We are the world being moving right now, right here, right now. Good luck figuring this one out...

Cloud, Light, Mountain, Lake, Dock, Window

 Ripples on the water. Light spilling over clouds like gold veins running through rock. A few ducks floating and paddling slowly on the lack past the docks. Water rippling and shimmering on the surface taking in and using the sunlight apparently better than anything else. Stretched out along the entire surface sunlight reflects in all directions and penetrates into the depths of the lake until it is fully absorbed. Geese climb aboard the dock for a break from the cool waters. Perhaps with the additional height they can smell better and enjoy more of the breeze. Or just eating. They bend over to poke at something on the dock. The birds seem to be full of light, air, and water. They seem to be the lake itself. Back in the water, beside the dock, approaching the shore. Peepers in the cottonwood. One flies out to the old pylon jutting out of the water. The mountain behind the lake reaches up to the sky. The lake extends out to the base of the mountain. The dock runs out into the lake. And my sight reaches all of them through the window. All of them flow into each other. Like paints blending together on a canvas. There is no end and beginning to each of them. They fit seamlessly into the landscape and into each other. They fit seamlessly into my life as I fit seamlessly into theirs. We are all a part of the Earth. As it is a apart of us. The Earth is a part of the universe and the universe is a part of the Earth. I am a part of the Earth and I am a part of the Universe. I cannot be taken from it, and it cannot be taken from me as long as I and it are here now. Form is the patchwork on a universal quilt. Patchwork of infinite variety. A quilt that is always being remade. That is always in the process of being completed and is always completed in this moment. Both completed and begun anew right now. We imagine such things as begin and end. We imagine how they are different. How are they the same? How are they inseparable? All of time, all of thought and memory is compiled into beginnings and endings. How much of this really exists? How much of this is imagined? What reality lies beyond these imaginations? What does the world look like and feel like? Are we ourselves in these bodies separate from the world, born one day to die another? Or are we apart of a timeless field beyond conception? 

Right Action

 Things like non-interference, non-attachment, and right action all have the same roots. They all point to the same way of being. Which is acting consciously from the whole. Which is integrating the ego in a way that the action taken doesn't create more ego consciousness. When the action taken brings levity. When it eases suffering. Non-interference is withholding the ego with meddling with the state of affairs. Allowing things to be as they are. Non-attachment is letting go to attachment to particular forms. Right action is the action taken when one is free from the delusion of egoic consciousness. They all point to liberated consciousness. Consciousness liberated from conditioned being, which is inherently destructive and discordant. They point to the Master who is the whole embodied in the human vessel. Attachment is fixation on particulars, particular imagined ways of being. Interference is engaging in the world from imagined conditioned states of consciousness. The Master acts from the whole in the whole. The Master is free from conditioned consciousness. Conditioned consciousness is illuminated by conditioned programming. Conditioned consciousness is inherently uncertain, fearful, and anxiety producing. It is also blind to the whole. It is afraid of not fulfilling the idea it believes in. It is not wholly convinced that the idea is worth supporting. The supporting of this idea does not bring fulfillment. It perpetuates conditioned consciousness. It perpetuates ignorance and blindness of the whole. It is forever distant from truth, from what is real. It is forever under the shadow cast by conditioned consciousness which obstructs the light from the whole. Life here is forever completely encapsulated in delusion and because of this completely kept from seeing what is real. Because it cannot see what is real, it continues behaving from complete immersion in conditioned consciousness. Conditioned consciousness is seeds within the whole. Seeds in pods on the tree of life. The Master is the germination of one of these seeds into the tree of life. The Master is right action. From the Master's perspective all there is is right action. There is no two ways of behaving. Right or wrong. There is simply God and the unfolding of God in an infinite number of ways. 

Is there such thing as wrong action or right action? Are we always the Master, even when we are deluded? Can we perform wrong action when we are completely immersed in delusion or do we simply perceive that what we did is wrong, imagining that there is a right and wrong because we are deluded. I don't know lol. Good question. We definitely subjectively experience right and wrong. And they are definitely to a great deal contrived notions. It seems like a question that is impossible to answer from immersion in conditioned consciousness. It seems like it is impossible for conditioned consciousness to destroy the whole. It seems also impossible to eradicate conditioned consciousness. It also seems like conditioned consciousness is completely non-real, only subjectively real when it is inhabited wholeheartedly. Fucking strange. It seems like we are the whole embodied in a sea of conditioned consciousness. This is what life on Earth is. A field of conditioned consciousness. A field that may sustain the whole. A field that may not exist once a certain consciousness is achieved. Haha. What a fucking joke. Yet here we are. Here I am. Amid the delusion. Our purpose is not to completely eradicate it in this moment. What a strange place to find oneself. 

These forms surrounding us have a unique and singular purpose. They are constrained to produce a few sounds and that is all. Our purpose is to produce these sounds within ourselves. To be who we are. All we can do is be ourselves. Light and dark and death and reason. 

The Human Script

Humans dream. Humans have ideas about the world. Humans pass through ignorance. It is so. It is our nature to be confused. It is not our place to do anything else. It is not our place to avoid this. Not our place and not possible. We pass through ignorance, we pass through darkness into light. It is the way. It is an effortless development. It is a will beyond anyone's. A will that cannot be circumvented. You must pass through shadow. You must pass through darkness. You must pass through suffering. You must suffer this. You cannot avoid it. It is the human script. The lines and acts irremovable from human consciousness. Life is pain and suffering. Life is full of folly, injustice, inconsiderableness. It is not to be avoided. It is to be lived. It cannot be avoided. It can only be embraced. We will sin, we are sinning. We are guilty. We are selfish. We are weak. We are mad. We can not help it. And in this sinning we are free from guilt. Free from blame. We do not have control over this. We are born to suffer. To pass through suffering. It is the way of the world. We do not have control. We are programs in the system. We are pawns on the chessboard. Yet our humanness is limited. It is not all that is, it is not the extent of who we are. Unless we broaden what is considered to be human. We pass through these personal lives like water bending down a river. What happens to us is unavoidable. It is apart of the path of the river. Trouble is apart of the path of the river. Our humanity is the path of the river. We cannot escape it. We are human. We are troubled. It is so. The degree may vary, yet it is so. Trouble is the nature of life. Violence and destruction are the nature of life. We cannot escape them. We can embrace them and see them as apart of the whole. One with all that is. For we are human, yet we are also the Sea. The sea that is all life, and all form. We are the One. We do not need to be perfected as human beings, to remove all sin from our body. We need not do this. We are complete in our identity as the One that is All. We are freed by recognizing this. We are One. One is many. We are the way. The way is trouble. Trouble is the way forward. Trouble is the way to the Sea. You need not seek trouble foolishly. It will find you nonetheless. When it comes you need not turn from it in fear. You can face it, accept it, and embrace it as your own. As the blood of your beating heart. Know it as yourself. Know it as the vigor of life. You need not enhance it, you need not turn from it. Take it as it is and let it pass into your life and through you. For it will pass and come again like the waxing and waning of the moon. Like all that is and all that comes into our lives. This path is the wisening of the self. The maturing of the heart. The settling of the soul on Earth. The embracing of the soil and the toiling of the soil that is life on Earth. The undoing of resistance to the nature of life and death. Here golden light spills forth in abundance. To heal wounds and raise the sick from their beds. Here lies the heart. 

Nothing else but this

Signs point to empty lanes
Words and speech gain nothing in their utterance
The way is straight and narrow, 
So much that no one travels it
Who clings to their claims?
Who holds onto life?
Who struggles to endure?

What is leading you down the path?

What carrot do you pursue?
This or that
If they are all dreams, does it matter what their content is?

Does it matter what we are stuck to?

What we are addicted to?

What we are blinded by?

Each dream has the same opinion

That I am more worthy than yourself

That I worth reaching for against better conscience
Each is a dream
Each is a fiction
Each keep us asleep 
Each keep us lost and confused
Mad and broken
Each is a distraction from what is real
From who you are and what you truly desire
Each make up many many many
Many strands of a web of deception
A web of sin

A web of lust
A web of tears
A web of darkness
To live is to discover and free oneself from the veil of delusion
The veil that says this is so when we know better
A web that puts the part before the whole
A web of madness
A web of mutilation
A web that is the tyranny of darkness
A web that has no self
A web that does not exist as it is seen
A web that is an image-fixation in the mind

That is completely imaginary
This is the web that most of us live in and few of us see through
There is nowhere to go, there is nothing to do, we are not the part

Fantasy is worthless
Fantasy is not reality
Fantasy does not exist

Fantasy cannot provide happiness, peace, or security

Only temporary comfort
Which is replaced by pain and suffering

Fantasy does not provide what we imagine it to
It cannot because it is imagined, it is not real
It is not here as we imagine it to be, what it is is a vision in our minds that does not exist outside of our minds
It cannot exist outside of our minds because in the fantasy, we and the world are something which in reality we are not and never can be. We can never be separate. We can never be anything other than how we are. We are not these isolated individuals. We are not the way we judge ourselves or the world to be. This is fiction. This is imagined. This is not real. This is fantasy. 

Fantasy is delusion. It is seeing what is not and thinking what is not is real. This will never suffice. It serves to keep us distracted from what is real. What is here. What is here is all we have. What we have is all we are. Everything else is not real, imagined, contrived. There is never a distance between us and the world. There is never another time or place. Never anything but what is here right now as you are right now. Nowhere to go, no one else to be. Simply as you are now, and nothing else. Never anything else.

The point, the end of the dream

 The point of life is life. Or it isn't. The point is not attached to being. It is not attached to who you are. It is not attached to anything here. This is it. Whether it is or isn't, what's here is here. The point is not attached to being or non-being. Self or no self, anything at all. It simply is as it is, and what is isn't limited to being. It isn't limited to existence. We are not limited to existence, we are not limited to ourselves. 

Highways transcend the space of our being
Universes expel themselves forever
Tired hands grope for truth
Endless rivers spit upon the sand
Seeking hoping wanting
Dying breathing waiting changing
A river of time upsets the ethereal flow
Whoever made marbles meet meandering streams lives in paradise
Kings, goats, farmers hens
Noble beasts down low sniffing in the fumes
Waiting for paradise
Drinking in death
Waiting for paradise

Lake, Mountain, Sky

Lake, Mountain, Sky
Things are here
In whatever way they may be
Or may not be
Clouds move across the sky
Sun behind it
Filling the sky and air with light
Warming the Earth
A dock rests on the lake, near another dock
Floating on the water
Water ripples in a gentle breeze
The air is full of life
The water is full of life
Things are growing
Tangled masses 
Interwoven vehicles of consciousness
It does not need to be named
It does not need to be known
It does not need to be understood
What is here
Is there an answer?
Is there a reason?
Lake
Mountain
Sky

In the end of it

Not done yet. I try to understand what's going on perfectly. To know exactly what is real. This is impossible. I am still losing myself, still waking up. At the end of this process, or at least a part of this process, but still not there. Trying to state exactly how things are isn't going to work probably lol. There is the thought and the attitude that I can do it right now, which is partially true, but delusional. I'm not seeing the scope that I'm working in because I am attached to the idea of communicating the truth. This grip prevents me from moving forward. It ties me to dead weight. It's perfectionism and fear of unbeing. Fear of not being in control. Fear of what is outside of what I know. Agitation, agression, chains, fear, prison, and not what I want in my heart. Trying to survive really. Which may be necessary until it isn't. Until one sees that they can behave differently in a way that better upholds their wellbeing. Gripping in fear. What a fun thing. Pain and suffering. Mmmmm. Pain and suffering. The best. Kind of though. In a strange way. Attached to being someone, doing something, having something. Thinking we need things to be ok. And when you stop and look to see if you need these things, what do you find? Nothing at all. They are empty of substance. They are floating ideas unconnected to anything real. The self that they seek to uphold is unnecessary and missing the point. Beside the point. Another passing cloud in the sky. Immaterial. Who you are, what you are trying to maintain and express is not who you think you are. The methods for your preservation and fulfillment are unnecessary and confused attempts to obtain something you already have. The thing is there is nothing to understand perfectly. Nothing to become or possess. Who you are does not belong to your ideas of who you think you are. Who you are is who you are now. What you are now. Not at any point today, tomorrow, or at some point in the past. Now, right now. This is it. Everything about this is it. We think that where we are is not enough. Not enough for us and not enough for the world. We are baselined right now. We look to potentials, to how things could be, maybe, or are cool when they are this way, or were cool when they were this way and we lose sight of what is real. Which is this. Right now. If you don't know what is or isn't real, then that is apart of what is real. That is here now. We get so caught up in ideas about how things are that we forget how things are. We so strongly what to be other than we are that we forget how we actually are. When we forget how we are, how can we take care of ourselves? We take care of ideas about ourselves, ideas of who we want to be, and continually gloss over our real thinking feeling self. We stroke personas, dreams and ambitions, ideals, but we don't maintain what is here right now. These are all apart of who and what we are, but in of themselves, they are not the entirety of us. Seeing who we are now, how I am now is the only way to take care of ourselves. This world is so disconnected from the present, so confused about what is real, so lost in ideas and mentation. So out of touch with the self. It's fucking crazy. People spend an incredible amount of energy in such a distracted way. Pouring energy into things that don't bring security, or fulfillment, or self-awareness. Teetering on the edge of annihilation. Spending so much time in the dark. 
I guess what people see is how they are now. Is what is real to them now. They may be deeply lost in ideas, but they are deeply lost in ideas. This is their present reality. Their now. And now is often confused and lost. And confused and lost and incomplete is often how we are. What is real. They and I are not who we think we are, yet who we think we are is how we are. And apart of who we are in this moment. We are this way, as we are now. It cannot be separated from who we are. It is not the entirety of who we are as itself, but it is never just itself, it is always one with who we are now. It is who we are now. We are these little selves that are confused, hopeful and lost. Interested, afraid, etc. We are lost within ourselves. We are these egos, but these egos are not everything. They are not all that we are. They are who we are, but not all of who we are. 
I am so afraid to embrace my ego. Yet regardless if I embrace it or not, a part of me is egoic. A part of me believes it is a separate self. This is simply how I am and what is happening right now. I want to fully embrace it. I think the only way to fully embrace the ego is to do it in a positive way. I think a part of what makes my ego is a true part of who I really am. Perhaps something that is not an illusion, but is a real aspect of the self, whatever this means. Maybe in a way, we are truly alone with our egos. We are truly separate in them. The ego is the ceaseless feeling of separation. Separation only exists in the ego feeling. I think we truly feel alone, and this is what aloneness is. But I think this may be as far as it goes. I don't think alone exists beyond a feeling, separateness exists beyond the imagined experience of separateness. Although it is imagined, it is experienced, it is hurtful, and it often requires attention in a way that I think is necessary and good. We are egoic. This is what is real now, a part of this is trying to avoid being egoic in search of something better. Which is in part good, and also in part more harmful than helpful. If we deny who we are too much, our perception of what we need and require is too removed from what we truly need and require to grow in a healthy way. We can cultivate a sense of what we truly need that includes our egoic self, yet is not blinded by our ego. This is a sense of the whole. It might not lead to the degree of enlightening experiences that we desire, but it takes care of us in a way that is better than complete denial of our separate self sense.
I regularly find it shocking how egoic people are, but it is how they are and it is how we are. Jesus. It's taken me so long to realize this. I have been so hostile towards the ego, even as I have been learning how to deeply embrace it. So hostile towards ignorance and that which is caught up in conditioned thinking and being. Just wanting to destroy it and smite it. Kind of awesome actually. So determined to overcome it. I think so much of this impulse is good. To rid humanity of slavery essentially. It is very close to liberating people through unconditional love. Wow. I do it because I love people and I love myself. I love life and I want it to be free. I want everyone and everything to be free. I think what unconditional love may be is that everything is free right now. Maybe. Anyways. I am tired. Need a nap or something. Bacon? 

Force of habit

Changing lines intercepting changing lines. A mass of intersections and lights of different color and brightness swirling through the heavens. Each line tied to a thought and a feeling. Each line an avenue and a doorway. Each line a color and a potential. Each line both truth and dream. One line being many lines. Many lines being one line? All that we see exists in these expanding and changing lines. These lines are the shape and form of the world. These lines come together to form who we are. These lines are the fabric of the universe. These lines are the magic that shape and change the world. These are the lines that guide us through life. That bind us and carry us. That force us and free us. These are the lines that we hold. That we care for. That we watch and worry over. These lines are tied in knots in our hearts. Undulating with the beat of our heart. They fill our bodies and tell the Earth what we need. They tie us to the Earth and they tie us to the sky and the heavens. The knots and lines in our hearts and bodies are born in the Earth and in the sky, in the stars. Our desires are Earthly and Cosmic. Our desires are soil, sky, sunlight, and starlight. The universe is pressing out within us to be as it desires. Every part of us is a part of it, rising in us and rising through us. Our breath is the universe breathing, it is the universe expanding and deepening itself in itself. to breath is to create new life on Earth. To breathe is to change what is here. To reshape it. With each breath we change the world. With each moment we are born entirely anew. Life is ceaseless deepening. Ceaseless birth. Life is never the same. It cannot be, not one thing remains from one moment to the next. Everything is always entirely anew. Entirely different. We think it is the same, but it is not. This is what is real. This is what we cannot grasp with thought. This is what is here. We cannot cling to this. This is what we are, not what we think we are. It is not dependent on our thoughts or feelings. It is not dependent on anything at all. It is not attached to who we think we are, or who we want to be. It is not attached to our life. Yet it is our life. It is not dependent on perception, communication. We spend our lives trying to find it through immortality of ourselves. It is not found through maintenance of any form. It is found when one has perceived the baselessness of their identity. The dream of the separate self. When one dies to their main focus on who they think they are. When the heart of consciousness in an individual is freed from conditioned thinking. When the importance of individuality ceases to be of primary importance, when it ceases to be necessary. When the life of the individual, of the human consciousness, the human being ceases to be of primary importance. When fixation of attention no longer dominates consciousness. This is when the life of the human goes beyond the life of the human and it is seen that the life of the human is not fixed as was imagined. That the center of life is not permanently fixated on humanity, that there may be no center at all. This lack of center is the heart of the Universe that we know. 

The Gentle Wind

Gentle wind blow through mind
Low clouds hang over mountain
Trees drink mist and stretch into the Earth and the sky
Bolstered by warmer weather
Water sits in lake at foot of hills covered with trees
Surface ripples wind blows water towards the shore
The lake is alive
The water is deep and cold
The air above the lake is alive
It is full of moisture, full of energy, it is prepared to become apart of the Earth
It moves and shapes the Earth, and is moved and shaped by the Earth
It is spun by the forces of the Earth
It itself is a force of the Earth
It carries sound and thought and feeling"
It carries memories
It carries silent words
That shape our bones and turn our thoughts
The Earth speaks to itself across itself through the air, through the sky
The human heart hears the rumbling of the Earth
It sees through the eyes of the Earth
It is of the Earth
We are of the Earth
We are the Earth
We are the wind
We are the water
We are air moving across the land
We are all the movement here
It is us and we are it
How many are aware of this birth?
We are not who we think we are
We are the Earth
We are not ourselves
We do not belong to anything
We have no home
We have no point
No place
No anchor
There is nothing to grasp
We are openness and the movement of openness within itself
The burning light does not belong to us
It burns without us
It burns
So much to learn about the self
So much and so little

Frizzle

 Friday dizzle, frizzleness. Water lapping in the lake. Mountain rising. Snow sprinkling. Grey overhead lightened by sunlight in patches. Wind disturbing rhododendrons. Dry skin on the back of these hands. Scrapes on a couple fingers. Visual awareness. Computer on a desk. Writing journal behind computer. Vaccination record beside computer. Clicking sounds as letters typed appear on the computer screen. Physiological functions. Slight pain and pressure in the center of the chest. Eyes close, energy whirls and flows in the brain as the front of the brain becomes more active. The eyes flutter as in r.e.m. sleep. Still conscious. Minds seems clouded, dull, humid, contained storm, fuzzy like humid weather under grey skies in the summer. Functioning of certain mental faculties apparently compromised, doorways to the personality closed, mixed feelings here, pain, sadness, upset, hurt, terror, fear, anxiety, fiery aggravated pressure, thoughts of how to balance energies with warming weather, fears, concerns, tiredness, brain shutting off, consciousness diminishing. Struggle to maintain stable consciousness. Fear of blindness, fear of world, fear of future. forgetting oneself, tiredness, quietness of activity, looking for direction, looking for inspiration, looking for energy, light riding slowly, wind alerts senses, senses alert feelings, feelings alert self, light and warmth fill body, as does desire, and muscular tension anticipating activity. attention skips, vision is lost, food, food food. Peace!!!

Merlin Returns

 Beevish! Habarnacle! Secundus! Helped my friend out with a landscaping project. Took a while to fall asleep, got up earlier than I usually do. Went well. Considering everything. Went basically how I thought it would. Got called Alec by people I know. It felt weird. Kind of violently opposed to that name. It's just not who I am. I feel like I have never been that person and I don't like falling into that consciousness. Merlin. Is my name. The past feels weak, Merlin feels strong. Merlin feels alive. I am not interested in going back. No fucking way. 
    I was thinking about how I may still have a good deal of refinement to do on my judgement. My feelings may still be ungrounded to a degree that makes them dangerous. A degree of lolligagging that turns my stomach into a sickening knot. I am done with these silly games that choke and bite us. These silly notions we have about who we are and what is real. It is incredible the degree to which people are wrong. It makes me sick. We see this great fantasy when were really mad and dangerously out of control. Like small children playing with sharpened knives. Just so wrong. Our society is so sick. The scariest part is that so much of it isn't seen and, in addition to this, what is corrupt is encouraged. Madness. We see ourselves as these complete images of thought, body, and feeling and do our best to bury the tangled madness of confusion that lies beneath. All to uphold a pretty image that is full of shit. Shit water. We live for shit water. We struggle for poison. This is a part of why we do what we do. Our self image. Which I find asinine. But at the same time, what can we do? We are born into a world full of people like this, our society is largely driven by self image, our survival in a way depends on it. How we look is not how we are, who we are, or what is real. What total complete shit. What a complete fucking masquerade. Where did this fear come from? Where did this delusion come from? Where did this darkness in the mind come from? Was it caused by an event in the distant past? Has it slowly developed over the years? You would think that we would know better, that we would be unified against such mindlessness. Is it a product of human evolution and the evolution of human consciousness? Not an ailment but a stage of development progressing towards further evolution, further stages? Perhaps all of these ring with truth. I think they do.
     I think at a time, at least many of us were more advanced consciously, more awake. I think there was a great decline caused by perhaps several great events which shook the foundations of our society undermining our consciousness. I also think this decline was steady occurring over thousands of years. Last, I also think the ego and the ego-self-image is apart of the natural development of consciousness in living beings, perhaps sentient beings, and is not unnatural in any way. There is much confusion surrounding our origins and the reason(s) we are in such a sorry state as a species. Why things often seem so dark, so hard, and so grueling, unfair, and unfortunate. This is what I am speaking to, I know it isn't this black and white, but it does feel like we're, as a species, historically speaking, coming up from under hammer blows on the anvil, struggling and grinding and clawing for consciousness. For breath. I think there is this confusion because the answer is as complicated, perhaps more complicated, as I have described. I get the feeling that we have done this collective struggle for Light and Goodness perhaps several or many times before. Perhaps, most definitely, in different ways. Like it's an age old fight on the wheel of time. Perhaps this sense, that I do believe I share with my fellow human beings, goes deeper than our human struggle, our human history, and is a sense of the fundamental workings of consciousness and reality that we all, however subtly and minutely, intuit. 
    I think to a degree each of us is playing a role as we carry out our lives. I think we have some deep intuition of our limitations and strengths and settle for what we have. We go through the motions as if we already know what they are going to be, acting as much as living. This is perhaps the great spirit within all of us. It seems like this is true and our ignorance and naivety is equally as true. Our terror at being self-aware and feeling so inept and unprepared. We are both the little self and the big self, Perhaps at least for an allotted period of time. They are both real experiences, realities, whether or not one is imagined or not, it is still experienced and believed. It is still a universe we inhabit, it just might be an imaginary universe that has no substance outside of the imagination. Being merely contrived, the reality it conjures is not in fact real. Real being what is arising in this moment, how things are and how they function. Instead of Sometimes a Great Notion, it is Often and Nearly Always a Fanciful Notion. 
    It's kind of funny what lies beyond the imagination of the separate-self and what people think lies beyond it. The separate self exist in the ideation sphere of the mind. People often don't leave this space and there ideas about what exists beyond themselves don't either. We are literally consumed by our religiosity towards our notions of what we think is real. We believe in them so fervently that we sacrifice our sense and presence for their fulfillment, which can never happen because they are notions are not real. This religiosity is perhaps a two sided coin, one side is life, and the other is death. One side is social accord in agreed upon social law, and the other is insanity in denial of objective truth. Social accord and also an affirmation of the separate self. What does the world look like without this filter? Can you even say it is a world of things, a place, if there is no separate self? Are there trees, people, sky, mountains? Are these things different at all if there is no separate self? The names confuse us, make us think they are independent from eachother. They are not independent of eachother. Nothing is independent of anything else. Can we even say a thing is a thing? Can we even say that all this is One thing? The idea of a thing supposes boundaries and fixed identity. But a tree is not a tree. A tree is the Universe, the Universe is a tree. All there is is Universe. All there is is tree. Tree = god. God = me. I am a tree. Lol fuck ya!! Let's go tree people!! Trerson. Maybe there are things. Maybe things are unique. I don't see why they couldn't be. What is is, this could be the way it is. If this were true, things would have to be both unique and the whole simultaneously. I don't fucking see how this makes sense, but it could somehow. I kinda don't buy it. If there are things then there is a difference between trees and people and differences among trees. Everything has an individual nature then. Everything then must also have a unique self, a unique being. If this is true then this is fucking wild. Lol wow. It don't need no reason, it just need be. What is is bitches. Everything is simultaneously itself and everything else. This is a wicked idea. Like mindfuckingsplosionlet'sgo. This would be a universe full of individuals, like floating seeds that are also each all of the seeds. Damn..sounds like Atman. I am concerned that this is simply a good theory that fits our subjective experience. We feel like a unique individual and also like the whole. Especially when we are awakening to us as God. The 10,000 thingseeds. Is this just a step on a ladder that dissolves into transcendence. Each thing does seem to have it's own uniqueness, but is this just because we are looking at it with egoic consciousness? We say this is a thing, it does these things, it doesn't do these things. It also seems like nothing is touching. Like everything is at a distance from everything else. Yet somehow everything is put together. wtf. More forests on hills and mountains=more shade=more snow=more water during summer. I wonder if any form exists at all, or are all forms dreams. And this universe is just a dream in the mind of a God. It seems like everything we witness is imagined, dreamt up from somewhere else. So is the universe of form simply a universe which is the imagination of egoic consciousness. The dream of separate things, of unique things. I kinda want to figure this out, but I also don't, because I don't want to kill myself, by completely eliminating my ego. This universe of unique things seems totally a projection of the egoic mind. Waking up is really like dying. Truly, even deeper than death. It really goes beyond the death we experience at the end of a mortal life. It's more profound than this. This would seem to make it scarier. 
    These are the things I want to figure out. They appear to be at the heart of doubt and they contribute to much of our suffering. Last word..I think the multitude is illusory, I think all there is is the whole. And it might not exist at all. 

Been a bit

I have been writing in my journal over the last week and a half. Things have been interesting as usual. Got a Moderna vaccine today. As far as I can tell the only side affect is soreness where I received the shot that came on 8 hrs after the shot. Going to get the second dose in a month. I was reading about the UK variant. It's 50% more transmissible and perhaps roughly 50% more deadly. Many places in Europe are increasing restrictions as highly contagious variants gain ground. The percentage of cases in the US with the UK variant are expected to increase drastically in the next month which could have serious impact on the trend of the virus in the US. Texas has lifted the mast mandate and other restrictions. We'll see what happens over the next weeks and months. 

In my consciousness, or here, I have been thinking a lot about I am versus there is no self. I feel being pulled towards what is called being and being someone as many questions remain concerning perceptions of no self and a place where there was no life. In this seeming dip and rising of consciousness that has been happening here over the last month and a half I have gone to a place which makes me question the value of fulfilling one's destiny, the reality of this destiny, and the reality that may exist beyond what we call and know as life. Consciousness here has a habit of rocketing through the ceiling of what is perceived as the furthest out one can go in terms of scope and penetration of consciousness. It has seen what may be what is beyond what we call life. Now, it makes sense that the totality of what we experience as human beings has a limit and is in fact a limited portion of an infinite variety of realities. Perhaps not that what we call life is separate from this, but that what we call life has a definite end and beginning. It makes me wonder if life is real at all, or if it just the illusion created by ego. An illusion in which all that is personal and animated is a fiction. Kind of scary thoughts. At the same time, life seems to have a life of it's own that may be as real as this lifeless reality I have perceived. It is unnerving to see such things when one is trying to pick up the pieces of their damaged life. I feel more distanced from what I considered my dharma, my awakening. The distance and dullness is often frightening. Like I have been sunk deeper into the ocean that I would have like to have fared. Where light is dim and the self feels insecure. Kind of funny that this keeps on happening. Makes it difficult to put things in order. The drive of my last ascent was motivated by intuitions that this was the last leg in the struggle for establishing myself. It felt truly true if I remember it correctly. The fact that I often can't remember it is unnerving. I am frightened. Or there is fear here. There is still so much to learn and so much I feel I want to accomplish and experience. My main hope is that I will be graced with the opportunity to do it. Recent awakenings have made me question the value and reality of such personal feelings. Deep in the sea. Deep deep in the sea. Merlin is a fish in the great wide and deep ocean. New horizons, new inclinations, new potentials. How far can a Merlin go? Where will he find himself? The expanse continues to evolve in unimagined ways. Ways he never thought were possible. Ways that he enjoys for their apparent rarity and profundity. Mirth in the depth? Perhaps? I thought I was a bird. Now I am a fish. I do live on a lake...

Merlin sees in the deep
Merlin swims in the deep
Look for Merlin in the deep
You may be surprised at what you find...
Things hidden from sight and mind
Things hidden in eons of time
Faraway places and unknown lands
Merlin explores wherever he can
High and low, far and near
In and out, strange and queer
The pieces behind pieces
Behind pieces beyond pieces
You call you self
I inspect, I direct, I examine,
And I roam
The land does not end with the curve of the Earth bending ever towards itself
It goes straight off into nothingness, into the sparkle of fading light 
Through light
Through darkness
Beyond the entirety into the entirety
I thought this was a certain way
And that what made that uncertain was a certain way
And what makes this uncertain is a certain way
Habernash!!Cathunkle!! Disbain! Spesetrom, wexfur, dignalitroniuscabrigalibombernastitorium!!!
Broken!!Fixed!!Broken!! I call the to the Quaint Circle of Fortuitous randimoniums!!
Begone! and Begit! Parliment!! Governance!! Systematic and deliberate castration of the Noodle Pie!!
Henceforth!Begone all noodle kings! Let the noodle doodle!! Doodle dandy daring drive make a way for you and I. Behind the sky oh me! Oh my! What speaks Merlin? Lost his mind!? Carthunkle! Beevish! Boispotem!!!

All in all, a good night!!
Sleep well weary traveler!
Merlin rises again!!
Into the night...Into the night

Looking for answers

 Why are we searching for the truth? It seems to me that as long as the mind is grasping for something to hold onto finding the truth is impossible. Is there a truth? Is there meaning? Maybe. Do we have control? Do we not? Does it matter? What happens when we aren't trying to pin down life? Is it possible to stop the mind from grasping? It seems like this may still be wanting something. I feel certain kinds of pleasure, perhaps good, when the ego grasps less. What I would call relief. There is a kind of striving for this release which is more grasping than release of the ego. It can be difficult to perceive if what you are doing is more opening or closing. Fear is often the culprit. We are so used to being blinded by it that it blindsides us constantly coming up in tangent with things we never expect it to. It hides with the best and the worst. Fear of not awakening, fear of being stuck with the ego, may lead to compulsive grasping in an attempt to escape or overthrow the ego. There is an  element of personal consciousness of this behavior that feels much less compulsive than the attempt to escape the ego. It is the in part personal realization that one is trying to escape the ego, and that this is not making headway, but is the result of binding fear. I think there may also be a way to personally experience an opening towards deeper insight. Whatever this means. The grasping can pass away and I think much of this is experienced in a personal way. It seems like the content of the moment is not the key to this experience of opening, rather it is the relationship of the self to the content. When there is a certain relationship we feel a sense of calm, of perhaps knowing what is right or wrong for us to do in the moment. When there is a different relationship we feel a sense of confusion disconnect, fear in which we feel blind and don't know what is right or wrong. I do not know if this knowing, this right, this wrong, are real outside of the self's subjective experience. They do seem to be a very real part of the process of the falling away of the ego. It seems like the entire experience of the self is relative to the self. I do not know if it is happening the way it does outside of the perception of the self, nor do I know if it is real. It appears to be happening all around us, all the time. This world of form appears to be happening now. I do not know if it is real. It doesn't feel real to me. Nothing in fact feels real to me. This world seems empty of anything. It seems to me like the world is not real and that nothing at all is happening. I am not sure how this is possible. This world just seems to be empty of self, being, and substance. There doesn't seem to be anyone here at all. The self seems to be not as it appears to be. Who am I to be content with this? Is it possible to be content with this? Is it merely the illusion of a self being content, a self that does not exist in reality? Who is content because the lack of being sufficiently relaxes its anxieties? Why does I take pleasure in emptiness? Why does this feel good to I? Is it because it releases it to greater personal pleasures, which give it greater room to be itself? This may frighteningly be apart of the truth. 

What's the deal with the whole I Am business. With God and being and one's true self? Are these things real? Is spirit real? Or are they all fleeting forms in a sea of emptiness and nothingness? Can they be reduced to conceptions without taking away any of their legitimacy? Is God eternal? Is Spirit eternal? Is there an eternal Self? Are these just temporary impermanent forms? Forms that may even be built into the system, but fall away eventually, but are impermanent? This self has had such strong experiences of God, in which God seems such a real force. What is the nature of the self of God? I guess the more important question is, Is the self real? Maybe to answer this the question, "What does it mean to be a real self?", needs to be asked. I am not sure if there is a formula that can be applied to ascertain whether or not a self is real. I think it may be intuitively assessed successfully though. If I am real, then there is a point to living, to being. If I am real it seems that goodness is real. Beauty is real. Perhaps even truth is real. If I am not then none of this matters. All of this is pointless and meaningless. There must be someone here to experience meaning. I feel so strongly that both are real. Yet they are not what they appear to be. They are not distinct or separate. There may be no way of getting to the bottom of it. I guess I may be afraid of life being real, because I am afraid of getting hurt. But when I look at it, it doesn't seem like I can get hurt because I don't exist. If I am, then I must be some being that is not dependent on anything whatsoever. This takes us back to the question, What does it mean to be a real self? For a self to be real, I would have to know and see without a doubt that I was, that I am. This is the only verification. I would have to be somebody, someone. An individual, even if it's the only individual who is the individual that embodies all individuals. I think the mind is so cluttered here that this is impossible now. 

And I just don't fucking care right now. This whole search seems like an incredible waste of time. Everything seems so fucking pointless to me, and people just seem so incredibly stupid and annoying. Just noise and grinding. Madness and sickness. I can't stand it. It's disgusting. Like everyone is inept and can't clean up after themselves. Like everyone is babies waddling around while the world is burning down. And I just watch...seeing it all...wtf...? The fucking ego man. What a trip. What a complete fucking disconnect. People are so full of themselves. Like bloated carcasses floating in the water. So sure of themselves. So fucking blind. It's infuriating. Spreading hellfire like peanut butter over bread, pleasantly lost in the darkness of their own minds. I want to shake them and say, "What the hell do you think you are doing?" "Do you have any sense at all?" We build more and more roads, build shittier and shittier homes, assassinate more and more living things. Drunk in our masturbatory  bloodlust. In the name of God, or the party, or an idea in our bigotry. The world's gone mad. It's been mad for a while. The pain is overwhelming. I'm sick of the sickness. Sick of the disorder. Sick of the madness and disconnect. I can't stand it. I can't fucking stand it. Where are the wise? I'm so tired of being weak. Feeling like a victim of this plague. Where is anyone with balls? I know there are many people doing good. But they don't seem to be enough. They don't seem to be smart enough. I feel like we need to tear this system down. Honestly one way or another. It needs to go. It's not working. It's not safe. More than we need good laws, we need good people. We need healthy people. Intelligent people. Free people. Free not by a bill of rights, but in conscience and in consciousness. Humans have unalienable rights. This are not guaranteed by ideas we claim to uphold, but by the way we treat eachother, by what we do. I do not know if the people are ready for the revolution of conscience and consciousness that I am imagining. But, do we have time? Do we have time? I don't think we do. I think the time is now. I think now is the time of upheaval. I think people will be made ready by what comes their way. The world can't go on the way it is. I think now is the time for a revolution in consciousness on our planet. Its time to wake up, get up, get out, dole out, get back, ant get with it. We have to change to survive. We cannot continue to be so selfish, merciless, and wantonly destructive. We need Spirit that does not bind us to warring dogmatic faiths. We need the Spirit of Unity, Love, Brotherhood of all peoples, and sanctity of Life. We need to realize that we have our heads up our asses and that we are full of shit. We are not alone on this world and we have to share what we have to get along. We have to give up our precious egos and narcissism and wake the fuck up! The world is burning you fools! Your drunk on your own fetid fluids. Wake up! Your worthless, spineless, scarcely human if I can say that at all! Stop masturbating! Can't you see what's going on? The world is falling apart! You live in this world. You are apart of it. What you do matters. Do something! You're so asleep you barely breathe. Where is your life? Where is your self? You are buffeted by waves of mindlessness at every corner, on every avenue. Tear these down. Throw them out. Still your mind. Turn off the bloody television. Turn off your insidious phones. You are broken down by this world, by the environment you live it. Cleanse it, change it, however you can. Throw off the yoke, think for yourself, be merciless in self-examination. Destroy your illusions and fantasies. Get the point. Get to what is pertinent to you right now. Don't waste your time in frivolities. Don't waste your time with losers and celebrities. Find out what is real and what is a complete waste of time. Ice whatever serves no purpose. Ice it and smash it and burn it and throw it out! Make a fiery line of unwavering determination that separates the field of what is worthy of your attention from everything else. Stick to it doggedly. Slap yourself free from distractions. Curse pollutants. Sprint far far away from anything that holds you down. Stand up for yourself, defend yourself, defend what is real, do not be bullied by two bit idiots. It is you who must guide them. Shake the world down, put it in it's place, set things right and move on! On to bigger and better things! Always onward! Don't hold back. Advance! Take ground! Fight back! Stand up! Protect what is good and true. Bolster it, make it the law of the land, the principle and the culture and the opportunity. You have the power only when and if you make use of it! Go goddammit go! We're running out of time! Change the goddamn world! Change your self!

Emptiness

 Their is no time, there is no space. Not as we see them. There are no people, not as we see them. There is no self, not as we see it. No life, no death, no birth, not as we see them. What we see is often not as it is. What is is often not what we see. Isn't all of this struggle, all of this thinking about being? About who we think we are and how we think life is? We are trying to understand what is going on. We think there is something going on. What if we are wrong? What if this is confusion, assumption? What if who we think we are does not exist? Does not exist and never has, never will. What if everything we aim to do is for nothing? What if life truly is meaningless? Because it doesn't exist as we think it does. I say meaningless, I do not say this despairingly. Not as a nihilist, not from a place of spiritlessness. Not in a way that hurts the heart. It could not, because the heart as we know it does not exist. Everything we imagine is a fiction. Everything see is not real. We do not look at reality. We cannot because their is no reality. No such thing. We cannot see outside our thinking minds. It is impossible for us to do so because who we are is our thinking minds. They cannot look outside of themselves. They only exist within themselves, within the thinking mind. I am not dispirited because there is no spirit. I do not have a spirit to lose. The world as we know it does not exist. We aspire for fulfillment thinking it can be attained. There is no self to be fulfilled. There is no fulfillment. There is no way. There is no path. What ridiculous notions. We think that we are. What if we aren't? What if all of this is completely meaningless? Impossible to be contrived because what is contrived requires someone to contrive it. We are so eager to find ourselves? Why? Do we really want to perpetuate our suffering? Do we really want to perpetuate the nightmare of this dream? The thing is, we don't have a choice because we never existed in the first place. There was never us. Never me. Never this. There is no place we will be. What we imagine we will become cannot be because we image that it is us who this is happening to. Which is impossible to happen to us. Us does not exist. Everything is entirely pointless. It is pointless because it cannot have a point. Points do not exist. Points are ideas. Ideas are not real. Any kind of achievement is not real. Anything that bolsters the self is not real. We is so attached to life and maintaining life, preventing falling from life. We thinks this is the way. If there was no struggle, would there be a way? If there was no suffering would we exist? If it is possible for suffering to end, then is it also possible for the self to end? What would there be if we were not afraid of death? If we were not afraid of struggling, of suffering? What would become of ourselves if we let them go? If they died because they were no longer needed? Who or what would we be? Would we be anything at all? Would we exist at all? If we didn't need to fight for life, fight to perpetuate our avoidance of death, what would become of us? It seems to me that everything we are, everything we is, is based upon a pillar of fear and avoidance. What happens when you leap from the pillar, abandoning it and what it upholds entirely? What happens if you let go of your self? You do not know because you have not done it. What happens if you let go of your life? What happens if you let go of control? Not in recklessness, not in brashness. But in death. What if you die to who you think you are? Completely. What remains? What remains when all that is half truth is washed away? What remains? You do not need to die to who you think you are, because who you think you are never existed in the first place. You are already dead. And you can't be dead, because you were never alive.   

Blood of life #2

 The functioning of the organs contributes to the circulation of blood. Exercising the body stimulates the organs and stimulates blood flow. This can be what we see as strenuous physical exercise. It can also be through what I will call extensive stretching techniques. Stretching also stimulates blood flow and exercises the organs. Essentially massaging them and the rest of the body into a more active state contributing to the overall homeostasis of the system as well as probably a heightened metabolism. And of course blood flow. Extensive stretching cultivates intuitive understanding of the body and how it wants to operate. When stretching becomes intuitive, energy is focused more intentionally, stretching is focused more intentionally (likely spontaneously) on creating homeostasis and health in the body and being. Recently it has become more apparent that the stimulus of the organs is important for overall health and vitality of the body, as well as for the sustainment of healthy states of consciousness and energies. As well as to awaken consciousness. The organs and the body flow are vital to awakening. The flow of blood is key to the awakening of health and vitality in the body. The ideal is steady and vigorous flow of blood evenly throughout the entire body. Lack of proper blood flow is equal to poorly functioning physiology. Proper bloodflow throughout the entire body is necessary for health. Poor circulation in any part of the body affects the functioning of the entire body. Each part of the physiology is essential for health. Health can only also be attained when one is at harmony with their environment, with the Earth, and with their self. These are apart of the physiology of the human being. The true physiology of the human being is a cosmic one. Our body does not end with the tips of our hairs coming out of our skin. Health is truly the product of the human beings proper alignment with the kosmos. In physical and energetic composition. Health is the product of wholesome willpower which creates evenness and fairness in the form of life which possesses it. Health is the radiance of life blossoming through living beings. 

Blood of life

 Rising up from the ashes of defeated ambition. A sight of the blood rising. The blood carries the lifeforce. It carries our energy and vitality. It is needed throughout the body for it to be healthy. Its flow is constricted by negativity. It is unleashed by positivity. It is appropriately distributed through wisdom. Through knowing the blood. Attempts to make the blood flow through egoic aspirations, through compulsion and conditioned thinking strangle the blood flow and cannot be sustained. To make the blood flow best, one must be deeply in touch with the dharma and their dharma. Great harmony with one's dharma means the blood will flow freely and vigorously leading to health in the body. To support the health and flow of the blood you must eat what your body requires. What your entire body requires. This does not mean acquiring any particular diet. It means acquiring whatever diet suits you in particular. Not in how it suits your fancy, but how it suits the requirements of your body in a way that is aligned with the heavens which is one with the overall composition of your many layered body. Because of your individual karma, which in this case is the composition of your many layered body given your life circumstance and what you have and haven't accumulated up to this moment in your lifetime, you require a completely individualized diet that is not at all necessarily fixed to certain foods. Here, what I mean by diet is a program of eating with the purpose of liberating your consciousness and establishing health in the body. Here health does not mean what is considered to be healthy in popular media and in mainstream culture. It is not being skinny, very developed muscularly, or centered around physical fitness. It often includes all of these things, but they are not the focus, they may be symptoms and often are symptoms of good health, but are not the principle essence of good health. The particulars that our ego craves keep us from succeeding in basic good health, which is the overall health of the body and perhaps being. Good health is overall balance and integrity of the whole human system. Good health is the engagement of the whole of one's being. This aspiration is different from egoic aspiration. The focus is not on appearance or specific abilities, it is on overall health and wellbeing, which is something that can only be intuitively grasped and intuitively perceived. The way to achieve it is thus intuitive, both more and less complicated than regimented practices geared towards health. This health is the product of engaging the whole of one's being. It is the result, often observed as the physical result, of a certain harmony with life. When a particular harmony is achieved the energies accumulate in the body in a way that produces health. Harmony with life is harmony in the body and harmony with the body and life. Health has certain characteristics: immunity to illness, resilience, abundance of energy and vitality, healthy growth and development of the body, health of physiological systems. Good circulation of blood is necessary for all these things and all of these things are necessary for good circulation. 

Feels

 Ma feels. Weighing pathways today. Thinking about prioritizing my desires and needs and perhaps narrowing my focus to top priorities. I found the thought of focusing just on, I would say, health and perhaps finances very appealing. This at the expense of pursuing women. It seems to be inconvenient to become celibate, but it could be worth it to have the success I imagine having getting to a solid point personally and financially. That is if I could maintain discipline and focus, or even find the right focus to begin with that realistically leads to these goals. I see how it could be worth it to establish these areas of my life. I also wonder if this outlook is the right approach, or the approach I will take in reality. It might not be necessary, or it might not be feasible to take this approach. It seems to be gaining appeal in some ways though. The simple act of choosing one activity to pursue in the long term, apart of this approach, seems to be increasingly relevant in my life.  In my life, whether it is real or illusion, my desires are becoming more specific and tangible. My will naturally aligns with them as they are more easily perceptible. This specifies them and reveals them more. Which pulls my will towards them more. Which makes me want them more and other things less. It's quite pleasant to know what you want and to be able to reach for it. 
There is so much on my mind and so much that I want that I feel overwhelmed almost always. Probably always. This makes my desire for security very strong. I feel tossed around by my passions and I am quite tired of it. I have felt that I haven't had the strength to get things under control. This feeling diminishes as I get stronger and wiser. Fear is a powerful motivator. Pain is as well. So are love and passion. Or desire. You have to trust that as you get stronger and wiser that what you choose to do is for the best even if it is at odds with where you stand now. Fears makes you fixate on particular aspects that might not actually get you where you want to go, and might not be as relevant when you have greater clarity of vision. When you get stronger, brighter, more open, wiser, you change as well. Your desires change. You change. I think a certain amount, perhaps a very large amount, of this is outside of your control. Though it is frustrating when you return to the same destructive habits when you get stronger and feel safer and hurt yourself again. Especially if your wounds run deep. This is when you end up kicking yourself. This is one of the unavoidable affects of naivety and ignorance. One of the unavoidable troubles of life really. It is apart of the process of suffering which we may not be able to avoid, we most likely have great difficulty avoiding, and also what we do not need to avoid. It is easy to think otherwise. Suffering hurts the worse when it hurts the worse. When we aren't hurting so bad, we feel like we can tackle it, tackle life. We are more accepting. When we hurt, we are more likely to be ruled by our passions, see less clearly, and be more afraid. More likely to run away from what is. Which also is fine. When we can see this process clearly, we can more easily recognize what we can and cannot do, be less afraid, and have more peace. Which I think feels good. When we are caught up in our suffering we don't necessarily see what is real, and not seeing this is apart of our suffering in the first place. So by understanding the processes by which we grow and change, how we are as human beings, we can more easily remain in the present with what is and suffer less. We can more easily see that we are simply human beings who experience a vast array of feelings and encounter a vast array of situations, and although there is nothing we can do to help it, we don't need to fight it. Here I think we find an opening from which true liberation arises. Not in eliminating suffering, but in seeing through it, embracing it, and being ok with it. 

D-d-d-d-d-dharma!

 Here I am, on the road again. I can't wait to get on the road again. The life I love is writing the dharma by myself. Here we go, on the road again. What did I write about last night? The process of coming to conclusions in critical thinking and how it closes off the mind to the truth. Can the mind help itself from coming to these conclusions? What does it mean to learn to see truth directly? What Krishnamurti would call meditation? How does this relate to the process of critical thinking? 
I wonder if insight meditation is innate to the functioning of a human being at all times. Our being, the mind, constantly awakens towards truth. I think part of us, however small, actively looks without presumption. This would mean part of us is always present. This process is nearly entirely obfuscated by our fixed attention on conclusions we have drawn about reality that are not true. Obscured and you might say impeded. To see truth directly as I have put it, to meditate, is to consciously be aware without these conclusions obfuscating the field of awareness. Is it meditation if we are training ourselves to do this? Or does meditation only arise when the mind is completely still? I cannot say. What I do think is that insight does deepen even if the mind is not completely still. From my experience my will is focused on gradually weakening the stranglehold of the thinking mind with non-judgmental awareness. I don't ever completely still the thinking process, but over time it appears to me that awareness here has become much less dominated by judgment and much more open to direct perception. This direct perception appears to be deepening and transforming, even moving towards presence and freedom from thought. Towards less and less conditioned mind to more and more perceiving life fully as it is. It seems to be approaching a point, truth itself. From my perspective this direct perspective evolves out of critical thinking. The former is a transformation of the latter. This may be my particular way of waking up the mind and the two may not be correlative in an evolutionary way. This would mean that critical thinking is essential for direct perception. I do not know if it is so. Critical thinking could be a fluke in the system, or a distortion of a useful process that is unnecessary. What I believe is happening, is that my attention is transforming from conditioned thinking to trans conditioned mind. Is the conditioning necessary for presence? For a fully awakened human being? It definitely is a process that everyone if not nearly everyone goes through. Regardless I think it is necessary to teach this mind to see. 
To corral the mind, the attention, that is loosely distributed. To bring the attention from what is obfuscated to what is not. To develop awareness of what is not, from where it is not. I do not know what this place is because attention here is not there. It is something expected to be learned by the process of withdrawing and redirecting attention on what is sensed to be real. In this experience, attention moves upwards towards what is real on ladder rungs of increasing clarity, presence, and decreasing obfuscation. It seems too disorganized for my taste at the moment. Too, apparently unavoidable, half-assed. The mind is wild and sharp and violent. Bitter and cold and restless and agitated. Unpleasant. clogged and jammed and rent. Flooded and filthy and a mess. Leaving the body frequently bent out of shape, ill, and mixed up. Hot desire. Sharp fear and anxiety. Anger, disgust, sickness, aloof, out of touch. Deeply confused. Indignant. Rough. rough. rough. 
What kind of process can I go through to clean this up and straighten in out? What is required? What isn't? What is excessive? What is unnecessary? What is avoidable? What is not? What factors can I control? What factors can I not? Can the way be straight and narrow? Can I maintain a steady focus? What will distract me? Which distractions can I avoid? How can I employ restraint to serve this aim? How can this awareness be embodies? What is the truth? 

words

 I was looking for discussion groups to participate in. One of them was centered around non-duality. The topic was, "Is anyone else not interested in non-duality?" There were a lot of different replies to this. It was interesting to see how other people thought and what they felt was important to share. It gave me better perspective on how we perceive the universe through concepts, how this is lacking, and a better look at what is real. 
One of my responses to what I saw was, people really think things are a certain way. We are passionate about what we think and we often tell ourselves with a certain conviction that, "This is real. I know this is real." "I am this" From my own experience and from what I saw, it seems that in doing this we are closing down our minds and forcing ourself to come to a conclusion to meet what we perceive as needs or parameters in our consciousness. I think as long as we do this, we will be steps away from the truth. In settling into a conclusion and accepting it as real, are we entering conceptual space and losing sight? We have gotten a little bit further and we say, "Now this is what is real." We are a little more convinced so we are willing to settle, yet we are still uncertain to subtler and subtler degrees. I wonder if the solution to actually reaching truth is not continuing this process, but abandoning it entirely. Not in a dismissal of truth or in finding truth, but abandoning a process which is dependent and restricted by thinking and ideas. Or dependent and restricted by the process of coming to conceptual conclusions, the process of settling on a "good" representation of truth. It may be "good" but it may never be true. Consciousness awakens to truth and the thinking mind attempts to put it into a box. As we become more and more awake this process becomes more and more subtle. We begin to open up to the transcendental experience of reality, seeing it as it is and depend less on the thinking mind and its interpretations. As it becomes more subtle in its packaging it can be difficult to be conscious of the fact that it is still, and perhaps we are still, doing this. Our ideas, such as the idea of non-duality, seem so close to truth that we are very very convinced that they are the truth. Seeing this process of the thinking mind coming to conclusions from a variety of different perspectives regarding non-duality showed me that the process gets in the way of perceiving truth. When consciousness is tied to this process, it is trapped. Trapped in conceptualization. To see truth consciousness must be completely freed from this process. 
So what is real is not dependent on ideas and ideas may point successfully to what is, but they in no way are what is. What is is what is when consciousness completely transcends this thinking process. I think as long as this process is here, it will muddle perception.  
How do you free yourself from this process? I don't know if you can. I think consciousness naturally evolves past the thinking process and does so in an organic way. We don't need to get there, we feel we need to and we want to, but these notions are pretty immaterial. We simply are as we maybe. If we are at all. 
So what is real? It's not a matter of describing it, but seeing it, maybe in a way in which there is no seeing. Why does the truth have to be something we can understand. Why does it have to be communicable? Why does it have to include us? Why do we have to be real? Why does it have to be? Why does it have to not be? Why does it have to be something we can grasp? The beauty of it maybe that we cannot grasp it. It seems like it is our grasping that gets in the way. Our grasping is the same as conceptualizing. It feels like the truth wants to be born here within me. I think this is what I am attempting to do, perhaps what I am always attempting to do. I feel right to do so and it feels like it would be good to be in the perpetual flow of doing so. I love how fooled we are by the truth. How foolishly we approach it and it sneaks up on us and fills us with a hidden smile. How we continue the search even though it is a runaway train going nowhere. Our ego is so hungry for sustenance. So greedy. So mad and blind and out of control. Perhaps our soul as well, so hungry for truth it tramps around in madness unable to help itself. And the truth is so solitary and independent. Without need of us at all. So selfless and untainted. We cannot approach it with our uncouth groping.
I think for myself, I don't get there because of my character. I think I settle and have settled for less than what would bring fulfillment because I have been exhausted. This has created habits which may be approaching laziness. Or what was laziness before it became exhaustion. ???
I feel near to truth, very near if I compare myself to other human beings, but much is still obscured. My mind is a tangle of many things that over-complicate my life and the process of awakening. I think this is why I say if I work on my character, if I become more organized, less lazy, then I will be able to approach it, I think perfectly and directly. I think I have all the knowledge and all the tools I require. They are just often poorly cared for and very cluttered in an undersized garden shed that serves an overgrown and in need of service, but otherwise splendid manor. 
As of this moment, my mind feels sloggish and I feel tired, but I also feel compelled to come to certain conclusions in this writing. The improvement in my character concerns the ability to deal with both of these at odds feelings appropriately. By, centering myself among them. And, centering myself among the many things swirling around within me and in my life. The train continues, the conclusions pass like towns and noteworthy features in the landscape. I love traveling by rail through the Southwestern United States in the year 1884.